Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 13 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 12 13
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
L
LoveGod Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
Post deleted by LoveGod


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Post deleted by mimi1254


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
L
LoveGod Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
Well he may not know that laws are in my favor...and even if he does, don't WS's just not care about that? Or is that a factor in their decision making? And how do I get a legal separation if he is overseas? I am not sure how to go about doing that...of course, that is the last thing I want, but I am talking way down the road...How long am I supposed to keep up Plan A, when he is not sure what he wants, and he goes overseas? Doesn't "outa sight, outa mind" play a huge role in this? I am just not sure what to do about Plan A if he wants out or "is not sure". Mimi? Believer? anyone? advice?


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Plan A includes NEGOTIATING the end of the affair.

He probably wants to TALK TO YOU about ending your marriage.."letting him go"...

I'm saying to let him know that HE will have to proceed with this and if he does that you will have to PROTECT yourself LEGALLY and request what is LEGALLY AND RIGHTFULLY YOURS...

This is part of ERASING THE FANTASY ASPECT OF THE AFFAIR...

Talking about this stuff wtih my H began the process of MAKING THE AFFAIR REAL..and making him have to REALLY SEE AND LIVE WITH what he was doing...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
L
LoveGod Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
Ok, now what if the affair is over and she is really gone from Iraq BUT he does not know "what he wants to do". ie, be married?, be committed b/c of his fear?, come home in March, etc etc. I guess I just need to know the best way to approach this when talking to him b/c this might be a very good possibility that this actually happens...He has run b4 b/c he got "spooked"...twice actually...he is very afraid of closeness and commmitment...i know i have asked alot of "what ifs" but I am trying to be prepared the best way I can since he is only here for 12 days..and according to him, he is NOT going to be spending that much time w/ me..at least thats what he says this week....


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Love,

I'm certainly not psychic BUT I've been living, studying and coming to an understanding of this long enough to come to a strong hypothesis....

I think that the A is not ended and he is planning on meeting up with her when he comes home...it would be great if you could spoil their plans...

What about the folks that he is supposed to be visiting in Asheville? What about telling them that he is having an affair? That's EXPOSURE. How about checking on whether is really going to visit them?

The key is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF, Love. It is such a hard lesson to learn. I know. As you have already said, YOU can't MAKE himt DO or SAY ANYTHING. You can't make him change into a different person. You must have known that he was like this when you married him. You did not expect to CHANGE him, did you? What YOU CAN DO is to make it so that he can't help but be AFFECTED by YOU...the CHANGES in YOU.

Also, as indicated above, YOU can STRATEGIZE to make it DIFFICULT for him to CARRY ON with his AFFAIR.


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
L
LoveGod Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
Mimi..I am the only one he is coming to see here...His mom and dad live down near the coast...his sister lives near Raleigh...And they all know about the A...As far as this OW, I don't know where she lives or anything about her..Yes, he could be planning on seeing her...I am taking that as a strong possibility but unfortunately, I don't know one thing about this OW to even begin to find out anything, ie..where she lives, if she is really back, etc etc....and you are right Mimi, i am sure you have repeated yourself to me 1000 times, but I am just in a very low place right now and a rookie at this....thank you for being so patient w/ me


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Do you know any of his friends or coworkers in Iraq that you can E-mail to find info?

Also, I would send him short and sweet E-Mails saying stuff like..."I'm looking forward to seeing you soon"....

Last edited by mimi1254; 11/26/06 10:33 AM.

I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
L
LoveGod Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
um, no....he has guys in the clinic but they will cover for him....i just talked to him actually, and he told me that he was not going to see her when he was in the states and all contact has been over w/ her since she left a couple of weeks ago...hhmmm...well of course, i don't really believe what he says right now but anyway...i guess i need to get a keylogger? what do you think? my IC said i shud not and that if i want to work this out, i have to learn to trust him again and getting a keylogger is not "learning to trust" .....any advice?


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Ooops...BIG MISTAKE...

I should have warned you not to tell him that you are onto him..

Of course, he will lie to you and he will go MORE UNDERCOVER...

Your counselor has probably not worked with cheaters before...

He/she is ABSOLUTELY WRONG about this...

I had a counselor like that we were seeing while my H was actively engaged in his A..I saw her just the other day and was tempted to tell her how she was MISGUIDING me/us.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He also left a counseling session with his counselor and spent the weekend with the OW...

SO MUCH for SOME counselors....

If you are PASSIVE, your WH's affair will continue and will be enabled...

THIS HAS TO BE WAR...which includes SPYING...CUNNING....

You are in the RIGHT PLACE HERE..WE'VE BEEN THERE..DONE THAT...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Quote
....i just talked to him actually, and he told me that he was not going to see her when he was in the states and all contact has been over w/ her since she left a couple of weeks ago..


This is BULL...

WHY did he break off contact with her? To work on his marriage? If he does not want to work on his marriage, what would be the purpose of breaking it off?


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
I don't know...I still think I would give the clinic a try..ask around to find out what woman left there a couple of weeks ago...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
L
LoveGod Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
He didn't break it off, she freaked out, backed off, and then left Iraq b/c of her contract being up...this is what he has told me....hey mimi, do you have a private email? i wanna email the conversation that just happened b/t him and i via yahoo im....if you want, just email me and i will copy and paste it...wanna see what you think about it...


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Sorry...

I generally don't do the private E-mailing...for many different reasons...

Can you give the gist of the conversation?

Plus, talking about it out in the open here can help other people and get more help for you...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
So he's probably going to pursue her by saying that he's breaking up with you..

You think?


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
L
LoveGod Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
Post deleted by LoveGod

Last edited by LoveGod; 11/26/06 01:02 PM.

God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
I'll read this when I get chance, Love...

ASAP change the subject of your thread to URGENT HELP NEEDED WITH WH in IRAQ or something like that...

You can do this by EDITING your FIRST POST....


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
L
LoveGod Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
ok, thanks mimi..i know its long..but thank you


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
U R trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip. That is what the WS is a turnip. NO heart and not feelings.

Notice how it is all about him and his feelings instead of u and your family. That is why you need to NOT discuss these things with him. He stopped listening to you at the beginning of the convo yet you barreled ahead with your speech.

I am not scolding you, I understand because many of us (including me) did the same thing.

Now look back, do you really feel this convo accomplished what you intended? If not, then do NOT have this type of convo UNTIL you know you have his attention.

Keep future Text messages short and sweet. He accuses of you having him spied on, tell him thanks for the suggestion. Do NOT give him ammo. Learn to reverse babble and give him back his guilt. That will either make him volunteer more info (in the strange tug a war the WS likes to play) or make him angry. Either way, it won't be anger you will feel as much. You will feel better because he will find he can't upset you as much as he wants to as a WS.

L.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
L
LoveGod Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 201
I want to tell my WH to stand up, be a man, and quit running from his problems...he always does that...when times get tough, he runs, in hopes they will go away...i want to tell him to quit being a coward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
Page 6 of 13 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 12 13

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (Parm, 1 invisible), 62 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P.
71,728 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,546
Posts2,322,790
Members71,729
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5