Regardless of what HE SAYS..you want to MAINTAIN YOUR OWN PERSONAL POSITION...

You want to be like a BRICK WALL...that won't crumble although he may be hitting you with his WORDS...

Ok....I guess I really cannot do a good plan A unless I know what I am dealing with. I feel like, no matter what he tells me or decides, I have to continue on with my life and make myself better. Whether he is here or 7000 miles away.

I'm not sure what you mean, Love.

Plan A is done when you have a WS.



Of course.

The question is do YOU want to remain married to him.

Well I know that Plan A means that I have to still assume that they are in the affair. But what if they are not? What if she really is gone but, for tax purposes, he HAS to go back until March. I don't know if I will face my H or my WH when he comes home. And a big part of me wants my marriage to work but a little part just wants closure...to get this done and over with so I can move on w/ my life. This waiting is almost unbearable. I guess the 1st thing out of my mouth when we sit down to talk is ,"do you want to be with me?". Am I making any sense here or am I just all messed up?

I would say assume that they are unless you have EVIDENCE to the contrary.



Let this be YOUR decision. Do what you CHOOSE to do...not what he tries to talk you into doing.



This creates lots of anxiety for you. Believe it or not, I bet you'll FEEL better when you see him in the flesh and the SIGHT of him, being in his presence will help you with your decision about the marriage.



Major faux pas. YOUR FOCUS IS ON YOU and what YOU WANT TO SAY

And that is what I want to say..I want to know if he wants to be w/ me? Does that make any sense? I really want to know the answer to that question....and that is focusing on me a bit...I plan on telling him my wants/needs but I do want to know the answer to that question...

This puts you in a WEAK, WHINY position...which is very unattractive.

I can answer this question for you without you asking him.

Given our PRESUMPTION that he is a WS, unless proved otherwise:

He may LIE to you and say: Yes, I want to be with you. (My question: What good does this do for you)

OR

He will say NO, thankful that you have graciously given him this opportunity to reject you without him having to do it himself.

You are expecting him to be open and HONEST with you, Love...

The nature of a WS is to be DISHONEST and DECEITFUl, doing anything, saying anything to get his way.

The key issue remains, WHAT DO YOU WANT, regardless of what he does or what he says.

ok, so I will tell him my wants and needs...which is that I love him and I want our marriage to work. And state my boundaries....

How do I do a good Plan A, if he comes home, admits she is still there and they are still involved and then he goes back? I have exposed to everyone here but there is noone to expose it to over there. I don't know who she is and I have no info on her. Do I implement Plan A just as if he was here in the states?

There are too many "what ifs" to plan for every possibility. There is a good quote that describes the essence behind plan A from the book, "How To Win Friends & Influence People", by Dale Carnegie. "The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it." Everyone wants their needs met. Plan A is about meeting those needs while protecting yourself. Ask him what he wants. Unfortunately, don't be surprised if you hear, "I don't know." I still hear that from my WS. If that's the case for you, focus on Plan A, which is to improve yourself and make yourself a better person. In doing so, you should be meeting his needs. The hard part for you is the WS needs to be around for Plan A to work so they can see the improvements that you are making.

Another good quote from the book made by Henry Ford, "If there is any one secret to my success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."

ML, exactly...."they have to be around"...now how in the h**l does this work when he is 7000 miles away? If cuts off all contact w/ me, except emailing for bills, etc etc, then how is he going to even notice or become aware of my improvements....I guess he won't? So in this situation, Plan A is going to be for me and not for him? Am I understanding that correctly? Please advise...

STOP Panicking. U have time on your side. The WS' life is short lived. Your H is fighting to get out and each time the WS gets stronger by either causing you to enable the A or cause you to get angry, your H losing some ground.

Don't try to teach or preach to a WS.

Don't you have boundaries to identify?

L.

Yes, I do...I have my boundaries...

Steve Harley instructed ME to call PLAN A.."MY PLAN"..working on MY ISSUES..making myself the best person that I can be..

For example, FOR YOU, working on MONEY MANAGEMENT will not only be helpful to you PERSONALLY..whether you or with your H or not..but this will also meet a need of his for FINANCIAL SUPPORT..You see?

I agree with Orchid that you are panicking.

I think that you are panicking because you want to control this and that is making you anxious.

I've been there.

I want to remind you, Love, that you can ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF...not him...

Hard as it maybe..work on LETTING HIM GO...work on YOURSELF...that will be to your benefit whether he returns to you or not...

I will be thinking of you...

In case your H is coming in soon, I want to let you know that I will be out of town pretty much all of next week...I didn't want you to think that I was disregarding you...

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Ok, thanks Mimi...yea he is coming home on Monday...I have no idea what I am walking into, but I have come to the conclusion that no matter what he says or does, I am not going to change what I am doing...working on myself, continuing on w/ my life, telling him what I want and need, and making it an attractive choice for him to come home. I know that I cannot control anything he says or does, so I am prepared to stand my ground and do what is best for me and be prepared to let him go if he so desires.

I feel sick...my WH coming home in 3 days from overseas and I feel sick....Lord, give me strength...

... per Mimi

needs to be written out
and taped to surfaces around your home

as a reminder

a "panicked" BS is an UNattractive choice to the WS

if you want to drive a wedge deeper between you and H ... show him a panicked wife !!!

Pep

Pep, I know, I know, I know...it is sooooo hard....I know I have to remain calm when I talk to him...But it has been 5 weeks leading up to him coming home knowing all this crap has happened....AAAAHHHHH...so I am sure you can understand my anxiety.....

self-soothing is a skill that will serve you well for the rest of your life

Pep

pep, how do I "self-sooth"? I need to learn that skill...Help!!!