All,

My story is posted in this thread under the title Reassurance, anyone? and a later thred Dealing with fog. I don't know how to link the thread in here.

I've been doing a Plan A for a while now. I found out last night that my wife is still seeing the OM and that she filed for divorce on Monday. I believe that she is still deeply fogged, but I think I'm ready for Plan B. I tried to set something up with Jennifer to talk it over, but she's unavailable for a while, and I want to get this going asap.

I've indicated that 1) I want her to stop seeing him so that we can work on the marriage because I still believe, but knowing her response 2) I want her to leave the house as soon as possible. Her lawyers told her to stay in the house for the children, and she has said she won't leave without a custody agreement in place. She has agreed for 50% custody, so there shouldn't be a need for a fight, so I hope to get this accomplished soon. Can one begin Plan B while you're still in the same house?

What else do I need to know and/or do?

really hard to do a good Plan B when WS is still there.
how long have you been in Plan A?
have you exposed?
how old are your kids?

hang on...the vets will be here soon.
cgw

She told me she they had stopped seeing each other (and maybe they did) but they continued to work together. They "stopped" a year ago, but clearly the EA continued, and MC was pointless. About 5-6 months ago, she gave up trying. I began the Plan A at about that time. At that time I believed the affair was over, so it was really only sort of a Plan A--a soft sell designed to show her what she'd be missing (thus no exposure--the people in the workplace already knew, for the most part).

I got the evidence last night that they resumed at some point during the last five months (if in fact it ever stopped) and called her mother, who didn't know. She talked to me sympathetically as if she understands the nature of affairs from personal experience. My wife is so fogged, though, that I don't imagine anyone can get through to her.

I have a boy who turns 7 in a week and a girl who is 3 and a half. Telling them (that Mommy is moving out) is the last thing I really dread, I think. I know that we both need to be there and will get advice from experts on how to do it.

SD,

IMHO impossible to do plan B when you are in the same house by definition.

50% custody = 50% chance of your precious children hanging with the OM!!! May want to consider this now rather than later.

How long was/is the plan A?

All avenues of breaking up their A have been gone down??

krk

SD,

You were typing the same time I was.

I take it the OM is single?

krk

OM is not single but has moved out and told his wife he wants a divorce. I suspect he's the one that reinitiated the affair, but there's really no way to know and I'm not sure it matters.

My wife was fired from her job about seven weeks ago and thus no longer works with the OM. He's still there. Is there any point in exposing the continuation of the affair in that workplace? Any reason not to?

Looking for advice.

Also, can someone tell me how to get my other threads into this one?

I really struck a nerve today. In addition to telling her parents, I made an appearance at her old workplace (to inquire whether the ongoing affair had any weight in her firing, but it riled up the OM) and told the OM's wife that the affair was ongoing. My wife was so pissed off she called my IC to try to get me to stop.

I think Fogtalk could be amusing if it weren't so sad.

Still looking for advice.

SDGuy,

Sorry to hear about how a mother is willing to abandon her family for the sake of a temporary and sick A. Disgusting.

Still it is better your children not be around her. You may think she is a 'good mother' but in reality NO WS is a good parent. The selfishness in them will eventually reach the children and that will be way worse than her leaving.

Now as for you going to plan B, that needs t/b done when r u ready for it. As a WS, she deserves plan B treatment but it can't happen until YOUR mind and heart are in sync with you identifying your personal boundaries and ready to move forward.

So she was fired from her work? Regardless of the reason, that's a good thing. So how does she think she will survive? At your expense? Make sure she does not make you enable the A. If she wants to give up her family, you secure custody of the children, do a complete background check on the OM, separate your finances so she can't touch it and let her go fall down on her own. Otherwise she will drag you through the mud and in many places, the law will be on her side. So get your support group in place, get a good lawyer and expect her to babble gushes of lies about you.

Even if she makes attempts to return to the family, don't accept token attention. She either will be an oscar type actress and really fool you or convince you beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is sincere.

Let us know which of the above recommendations you need assistance on.

L.

SD,

You said this yesterday.

""OM is not single but has moved out and told his wife he wants a divorce.""

Today we have a different story!

""and told the OM's wife that the affair was ongoing. My wife was so pissed off she called my IC to try to get me to stop.""

ADULTERERS DO NOT TELL THE TRUTH!!! It comes with the territory. So when you were told the OM has moved out and told his wife he wants a divorce, I am sure you were told a lie. He may have not even moved out. Do not believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

And the difference it would have made was to expose to the OM's W like you did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Good for you!

krk

I had it from his wife a few weeks ago that he had moved out. He has been out of his house since May, and at some point, I believe he re-initiated contact with my wife, who didn't turn him down. I think he may be pulling the strings with all this, but, as you say, infidels are liars, so it's hard to know.

She's so messed up. She needs help badly but is in such denial. It's really sad.

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm a bit shaken by the depths of the lies she has been telling me right from the beginning. I wanted to believe her--I wanted her to recover. She's so deep into it and in such denial I don't know that she can ever get out.

Knowing that she's still talking to him is devastating at the moment, but I'm working on it, because I know I can't do anything about it.

I'm a bit scared. Will Plan B hurt?

I know the feeling and going into Plan B will protect you from feeling helpless. I would not recommend an in-house Plan B as I don't think it can be performed effectively.


I was scared too but couldn't continue to live on crumbs and loose my self respect in the process. It will hurt for the first 3-6 weeks then it slowly gets better and you will develop a tougher and more detemined attitude towards your WW.

Your M may not recover, however if are disciplined enough to maintain a very dark Plan B, you will recover your self-esteem and self respect. When you get those back you may not want her back.

Sorry your going through this.

HTW

Yeah, I know the in-house Plan B is flawed. Not talking to her today seems to have helped my state-of-mind a bit, though, even if all it does it prevent me from trying to get through to her. She's looking to go as soon as she can but says she won't go without a custody agreement. Because I wanted her out, I agreed to the concept of 50% custody, but now I'm wondering.

I will check this out specifically with my lawyer, but I want to add a stipulation to the agreement that for a period of 9-12 months, whenever the kids are in her custody they are not allowed to come within, say, 25 yards of the OM. I think I am prepared to fight for full custody if she won't agree.

Has anyone ever heard of a provision like that? Am I wasting my breath?

I only hope that you have obtained an attorney or you are screwed. I would name the OM in your response and specify that your children are not to be exposed to her adulterous affair [s]. If I were you, I would be countersuing for adultery, calling the OM in for a deposition, and suing for FULL custody giving her visitation. I sure wouldn't make it easy on her.

Yours is a perfect example of why affairees should never continue to work together. I'm sorry you had to find that out the hard way, friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The other day I got evidence of a continuing PA despite look-into-the-eyes lying to the contrary. Once caught in the lie, she changed to "What does it matter?" Later, after she became afraid I would expose the new set of lies, I got an angry voice mail with the "My heart is somewhere else, and it's not with you, and it always will be." This is all textbook WS stuff according to Jennifer and those I have read on here.

She filed on me, and I was on the verge of giving up. Just let her go and have an amicable divorce, but Jennifer's pep talk has me ready for Plan B. I guess, however, I'm still questioning the point and am looking for some reassurance. How long does it take for affairs to die once they're exposed to the light of day and the realities of life (obviously no one answer). I don't know that I will want her back if and when the affair ends, and I am skeptical that she will ever be able to come back.

Sometimes I wonder whether I hate losing more than I hate losing her.

My parents are visiting and have rented an apartment for a week. I told her she would be welcome if she agreed to stop seeing the OM, but she refused. Still, she continues to act around my parents as if there is absolutely nothing amiss. Tonight we had Thanksgiving dinner at our house, and she has been totally cordial. It's all fine and good. Me, I had to sneak away to cry at one point because of the pain.

For one of the first times, I had the desire to hit her (just a passing thing, like the suicide thought when a big truck goes by). I'm so angry and hurt. I need to get her out of the house so that I can try to remember how to live a life.

Some questions. I wrote the Plan B letter and delivered it yesterday. I'm not sure how to feel, though, or how to try to feel. Should I remain hopeful? Stop obsessing over what she's doing and move on?

When I exposed to her parents, I learned that (between the lines) her mother had an affair when my WW was a little girl and ultimately recovered their marriage ("I have rebuilt a marriage"). WW does not know this. MIL spoke as if she understands infidelity ("WW needs to hear what I have to say and what her father has to say"; "WW tells me that she doesn't feel connected to you, but right now I don't think she knows what it means to be connected"; "I need to get her here so that we can talk over a number of days"; "She thinks she's fine, but she's not, and neither are you"; "I'm not in WW's shoes, and you're not in her father's shoes, but we've been in our shoes, and she needs to listen to us.") and that it's a terrible mistake. I haven't heard from MIL in a week, though. This whole avenue gives me some hope, and I want to make sure her parents don't just give up before trying. Should I continue talking to them, or back off and be cool?

Also, WW has been seeing an IC for almost a year. According to WW, the IC was telling her she was doing fine. I know it's likely that the IC doesn't know anything about infidelity and is just not helpful, but what if WW has been lying to IC? Does anyone think I should expose to the IC?

SD