So quick update.

Three weeks ago we had a bad MC session. Not the MC himself but the session.

Things were pretty bad. Told FWW I wanted a D. I was pretty much done. Same issues we can't agree on why bother trying anymore.

We went to the MC seperately to talk and he said we should keep trying.

We talked she said to me I didn't do nice things for her. I took the new car for myself after that.

For the next week and a half she has been not to nice to be bacuase of the car.

So Monday night she comes out and tells me about wanting the car. I said she should really leave it alone at this point.

She says some mean things to me. I finally did it. I broke down and acted like a child. I dropped some serious LB's and DJ's on her. Not out of anger but because I wanted to give some back. I KNOW NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO. that was my disclaimer.

The reason I was upset is usually she starts these things and then decides she is done talking and doesn't let me talk.

So we are arguing she says leave me alone. She called the cops because I wouldn't stop talking. It was 10:03 at night.

So the cops show up but I am waiting outside talking to my mom on my cell. I let the cop know I am the one he is looking for. I wait for the other cops to show up.

They ask what happened I told them. They go talk to my FWW and she tells them the same story. They come back to me and say well sorry about the inconvienence. I said no kidding. LOL. I asked for the incident report. They said there wouldn't be one no laws broken. I said I need a record that my FWW called you out here. I need to use this if we get a D.

After the cops leave she starts talking to me again going over stuff. I was amazed. LOL. Call the cops because I am talking to you and we are arguing and when they leave you start up again.

So I told her I was done. That was crazy, childish and ridiculous.

So we had MC last night. Fun for everyone. MC asks what had been going on. I tell him. Wow.

Told him I want a D. Told him this MC has really made me understand I need to be away from her.

He asked if I was mad at him. I said no. I am upset about the fact my FWW has been able to guide these sessions. I mean she gets to talk about the fights but when I try to say why we had them it always gets "tabled" or labled in the past. I mean we had about 20 fights about her flirting but she talks about the fights and I say flirting and boom I get accused of bringing up the past. She says fighting and I bring up something else and boom past. Well we can learn how to fair fight or SHE CAN stop doing distructive things that cause fights.

It is pretty apparent to me that we need to talk about the M pre A, during A and post A to figure this mess out. That is not allowed.

I said heck during our session when it was my turn to go over the homework she got so mad I never finished my part. I listened to her say things about me but she couldn't.

I then said there is an issue that I found out during our last information confirmation session that changed everything for me. I said if I knew that then I would have ben D'd already.

She got mad and he asked what it was. IT was SF related. He asked me besides that do I think I could try. Could we table that. I said nope. I am not tabling it. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ACCEPT THAT FACT. Unless you and my IC can figure out away to change that. I don't think you will so I might as well leave. Not going to be emasculated like that.

My FWW said when she did it for him it was a mistake. She was drunk. I said well then let me get this straight. You stopped doing it for me. For two years I asked you not too. Then you meet OM and do it for him. After the A before I knew you did it for him, I asked you to start for me again. YOu said no. Three years later I find out you did it for him. So chose not to for me, chose to for him, and still chose not to for me. Sorry I cannot live with that.

It might be wrong, it might be skewed. If everyone on the face of the earth disagreed with me fine. But for me I cannot and will not ever get over that. I am being honest.

He said do you think that is fair. I said I don't know nor do I care. I know I can't live with that.

So then he asked about custody. I said as much as I can get. He said what if you can get 100 percent. I said I would take it. He goes is that good for the kids. Hmmm. So now I need to be the one that gives up for the kids.

FWW gets her way, drinks has an A, blah blah blah.

He said now that she is sober. I said please don't tell me 10 months' of sobriety make up for 7 to 8 years of heavy drinking in front of them.

Not to mention calling the cops over a disagreement. That is caring about my kids.

She was crying etc.

She said she would not do the thing I asked for. I said well I figured that. You didn't do anything I asked you to.

Well the PICTURE came up. During their conversation he told her IT WAS CRUEL AND INCONSIDERATE for her to leave that picture up. He said many of the things that I brought up were inconsiderate. HE ASKED HER IF SHE EVER REALLY WANTED THIS M.

She said back then she wasn't sure. She was trying to protect herself.

She said that during the last 3 years she couldn't walk in my shoes because she didn't want to know the pain she caused me. She admitted to not being a good W.

I didn't care. I have heard it all before.

Last night on the way home is when it got weird.

SHE OPENED UP. She appologized for everything. She told me she now knows how great of a man I am. She said she understands if I D her. She understands my anger towards her.

She said for however long we stay married she will treat me with the respect and dignity I deserve.

She took ownership of all of the crap.

I brought up how she keeps saying I wasn't nice. I said every thing nice I did for you you disregarded. If I brought it up you would say you didn't like it. She said I know and I was wrong. I shouldn't have.

I said I tried to take you out on dates and you humiliated me. She said I know and that was wrong.

I couldn't believe it.

I told her that on my side our M is not affair proof. She said well if I did she would give me crap for 3 years.

I said if I had an A, I would be honest with you and do whatever it took for as long as it took to get you back. I would crawl through glass if you asked me too.

She said well I am ready to do that for you.

Weird stuff.

Last night she gave me massage and did the thing she said she wouldn't do.

I am not going to jump up and down and say we are recovering. I have seen this before.

Just not to this degree. Just the fact she took ownership with out the self pride was weird.

Maybe we have finally turned the corner.

Geez is this what remorse looks like?

Whoa! That's one crazy rollercoaster, Frog!

On one hand, I do not envy you the work that lies ahead for your recovery, on the other, I envy the 'moments' of clarity that your WW has. I hope that this is the beginning of a new dynamic for the two of you.

Hopefully, this will be a time of O&H without the blame game involved. It is like children arguing. 'I did this to you, oh yeah, well, you did this to me, blah, blah, blah.' That's a circular argument.

Remember, you are striving for a BETTER R than before. That requires a lot of patience at this point. It seems like you are willing to try.

My wife didn't stop talking to the OM (this was just last week) until I told her I was done with her, I was filing for divorce, and that I was never speaking to her again after that night (if she had questions she could contact my attorney). She then told me that she stopped talking to the other man, she didn't want to make a mistake, and that she loved me. She hasn't committed to our marriage yet, but I feel that after NC for a month things will improve with us. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and make the WW aware that she isn't in control.

- Jim

P.S. I assume you mean BJ, right?

Last night on the way home is when it got weird

I love this part Frog. Things were normal unitl this part LOL

Glad to hear this about your sitch

M2L

Silent,

Thanks. If this is a sustainable way of life for the FWW and there is more to come then yes there may be a future. If this is just another time where she is like this for a while then things go back to the way they were then a D is eminent.

I am not going ot do that anymore.

The MC was actually suprised to hear I had a drop dead date for our M.

Jim,

Thanks I think this time she understands I am at my wits end. Things have been very different. I have not been re engaging these last few times. I usually need to have some SF and give in. This time I did not.

Not exactly on your question but close.

M2L
Thanks for checking in. Yes that is funny now that you point it out. The most normal part is wierd. Wow. LOL

What happened to your thread I haven't been able to find it. I wanted to clarify some of my last statements to you.

Keep taking charge, but try and keep the LBs to a minimum. It sounds like you MAY be on the road to recovery, but you will have to take the scenic route instead of the autobahn if you keep LBing.

- Jim

Jim,

I have a long history. The LB's from my side are at a bare minimum. One of the fWW's biggest complaints were the verbal barbs. I had gone 4 months without them. She kept dropping the Lb's and DJ's on me. So that is why I did it. No excuses, I knew it was wrong. I did it purposely and with intent. Which probably makes it worse but that is when she got the point. She has committed now to stop name calling and DJing. The LB's I dropped were probably some of the harshest a man can drop on a woman. I used everyone of them in one sentence. It was a filth fest. I really don't believe I missed one.

But now she gets the point that I will not lay down for her anylonger. Call me names and DJ and LB me and I may return fire. Not the best way to get the point across but it finally seems to have sunk in.

Sounds like the FU plan.

AmIok, used it on her WH, and he seemed to snap out of his fog too.

~ Marsh

Hi FNM -

Glad to see things might finally really be turning the corner. Sometimes, IMO, the one thing that is needed to wake up the WS is the one thing that is almost always advised againt.

Marsh -


I had to stifle a laugh (I'm at work) when I read that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I think there are times when every BS gives at least a momentary consideration to that. I know I have more than once.

So now we have Plan A, Plan B, Plan 180, Plan D, and Plan FU <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HB,

LOL

I can't take credit for coming up w/ the phrase "the F-U Plan".

I had to look back on AmIok's thread to find out who coined it first.

It was Mulan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

Well Update again.

Things are actually going better then I can ever personally remember.

OS has been really testing toward each of us. We have been working TOGETHER to straighten him out.

We went to MC and the FWW said she was mostly to blame for the sitch we are in with OS. She wouldn't work with me or listen to what I thought was best. She said she worked against me. We are really doing well with him.

We have not had one fight or disagreement since the MC session. I had the FU plan in.

She Has been wonderful to me. I still have the newer car and she has not even asked for it back says I do deserve it considering how much I do and have done.

YS is done with sports so the weekends are a little less hectic.

For me I am looking for a new job. I have 2 offers already and an interview at another company on Tuesday. Each one is much better then what I have now.

I have decided to start each part of my life fresh. The company I am at now is not a very good company to work for.

I feel great about everything.

My FWW has minor little backslides but appologizes right away.

The interupting has stopped. The SF is great. One weird thing about that though is that I don't need it as much now that my other needs are being filled. Don't get me wrong I still want it all the time I just don't feel like I need it.

Well my IC said to keep a gaurdedly optomistic view. It takes 3 months for this type of change to take hold. So far so good.

I want to thank everyone here for their help. I KNOW I WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN TO THE FU PLAN IF NOT FOR EVERYONE HERE'S HELP.

She even understood why I finally went to the FU plan. Well it looks like I got what I wanted for christmas the start of recovery.

Yes, that will forever be Mulan's legacy - "Plan FU!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, I'm glad things are better for you. Just never forget you are dealing with a P/A and do not be surprised if the behaviour resurfaces here and there - it's a tough addiction to break. Don't panic - you know what to do.
Mulan

Mulan,

Thanks. I know what I am dealing with.

What is funny is on that side she is taking on more too.

I can do a lot it is just she was never thankful for it. She never understood sometimes I snap a little when I am overwhelmed. Now she seems to understand that too.

If it resurfaces I know exactly what to do.

Thank you for all of your help and for plan FU. LOL.

Hey Frog,

Sounds like REAL progress. That's great! Hope you two are finding a TRUE path together. It's beautiful to see people begin the work of recovery TOGETHER, especially with so many still struggling here. Best wishes to you and yours...

Frog,

I am glad to see good things happening with you, it has been quite a ride. I wondered if you ever went to Al-Anon? It might help you with your anger issues and perhaps help you to break some of the behavior patterns that cause these big blow-outs, at least on your side.

I don't mean to sound un-supportive, but are your sons around when all of this anger/L'ing/FU-ing/cops happen? If so, which if it was that late at night I would have to think yes they were, the damage of WW's and your behavior to them is devastating. Please, please try to be the responsible adult in this situation, don't worry so much about how ww is doing or not doing, or says, be concerned about the boys and providing a consistent safe and peaceful and loving haven for them.

I sincerely hope that it all works out for the best for you and your family.

Silent,

Thank you very much. For the first time I really feel like if things keep moving in this direction we will recover. I have hope for a future together. I am not sure it will happen but at least I have hope for that.

Hopefully the progress will continue.

Nab,

The funny thing about the "blow ups" is there isn't usually any yelling.

Either way that is why I hit plan FU I was tired of my kids seeing this.

I kept telling myself that I was giving her time for the kids sake yet the kids were suffering.

Wierd how it turned around after that.

As far as my anger issues. I really don't have any. I am seeing an IC and he says I have more restraint then most.

Anyway. The peace is nice and now we are working on the kids together.

Heck she even admitted maybe my way was possibly right. LOL. That is progress.

Thanks for the kind words.

Well I have been really really busy lately. Posting is almost non existent. LOL but I did want to throw in an update.

I now feel like I am on top of the world.

It all started the day I had the FU plan. LOL

I actually feel like for the first time in years it is US against the world TOGETHER.

I think it is wierd how things work though. My job really sucked, I am in sales and having a product that doesn't work hurts sales LOL. but while they were trying to get things on track it let me come here and post and get help. The company never straightened out so I started looking for a new job. I had 3 interviews and had 3 offers.

The one I accepted was an increase in salary of over 25k a year. Yes I said 25K. Wow is all I could say.

When I gave notice at my old job they told me to leave which is normal and they pay you your two weeks. They didn't LOL. I called and asked why then they sent me the money.

Then I had been dealing with the state trying to get some money back but was running into a wall. Finally I went from the top down and got my money back.

Between the state and the old job I got about 8k back. LOL.

I can only say this is happening because my head is clear and I can deal with life now instead of the garbage I was dealing with.

I am very happy now. My FWW seems to have really changed.

We had a little thing this weekend I told her she was acting PA and she stopped appologized and we came to an agreement for the future in those situations. No real fight or no attitude.

For all of you wondering it can be done. I know there is only so much a BS can do. Then it comes down to the WS or FWS.

I thank everyone here for their help.

I won't be posting that much because of the new job. I am for the first time not looking at the new year without much hope.

I know this time next year our finances will be straigthened out and we will be even happier.

It all started when I decided I would be happy no matter what. I am now.

WOW!!

I am so happy for you Frog; I think your being paid your dues right now, for all of the hard work. I suppose Mrs. Frog is also starting to earn her 'F', and deserves kudos for her hard work too!

I want to thank you for all of your attention and advice. It has meant a lot to have people keeping up with me, always there to at least respond.

Take care of each other, take care of yourself and your children. Have a wonderful holiday season, bask in the joy. We hope to see you around with updates now and then. Until then, congratualtions on your new life! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good Morning, Senior Frog! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm VERY happy to hear that things are going well for you also! I know that's it's been a struggle for you!

I'm like to say ditto on what SL said! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I really miss you with our FWS being so close together. I'm still having some problems with mine.

Well, Merry Christams...Happy holidays...Happy New year, Happy DAYS... LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hope you check in from time to time...and perhaps you can do a little community service while you're here! LMAO