I've been lurking around here for a bit and have just implemented Plan A. However, I'm unsure about how it'll go since I'm due to have our second child in three weeks.

We've been married for seven years, but three months ago he came to me basically admitting the fear of potentially falling into an EA with someone he works with part-time. Told me things had changed between us, no time for us, didn't really want second child even though I have history of infertility and we had actually been going through treatments all last summer. Conceived naturally to our surprise and that's when he says things started going downhill. He cried, apologized, begged, said he wanted to fix things betweeen us. 1.5 months later I found out he was still talking, texting with her, and he agreed to MC. Did a few half-assed sessions of MC (he didn't really want to be there apparently) until he disclosed that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore but denied any involvement other than "just friends" with OW. Said he's felt this way for a year or so, accused me of being obsessed with getting pregnant again. He then started meds on the recommendation of counselor and medical doc, but recently stopped due to side effects.

He started to become increasingly disrespectful and rude, almost like he wanted me to kick him out b/c he didn't have the balls to leave his 4yr old daughter and very pregnant wife. He's not sleeping here but still comes over several times a week to care for our daughter when I work or to do stuff around the house that I can't right now. typically these visits end up with the same round and round conversations (arguments) that go nowhere, so I've started Plan A. He does want to do some therapy on his own, and possibly try a different medication, but refuses to do MC right now b/c he "doesn't even know if he wants us to work out." Seems to be dealing with anxiety-induced depression but claims most of his symptoms have gone away since moving out of our house (it's been two weeks now).

At this point we are just going day by day but have briefly discussed D in anger. I guess we're just separated for now, but he says he's happier away from home. He is trying to act really blase about our whole situation, but up until yesterday I was being the classic "Non Plan A" participant.

So what am I supposed to do about the birth of our baby? He says he wants to be there and plans on being home as much as I need him when I come home with the baby, even if it means sleeping on the couch for two weeks. I'm having a c-section so will actually NEED him to be here since I can't drive right away or lift or anything, basically. How is Plan A going to work then? Just continue to be emotionally detached in a hormonal postpartum state? I'm so scared.

Oh...he admits still talking with her b/c they are "just friends", (riiiiiight) and refuses to cut off contact at this point "since nothing is going on between them." He also sees her a few times a month on average at their part time job, though I'm sure now that he's Mr. Single Guy it's been more frequent. I did disclose my suspsicions about their relationship to our friends and family, and as it turns out it was rumored at their part time job that they were messing around.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Decembermom,

I'm sorry...this sounds so painful.

It sounds like he is trying to justify his A by picking fights with you.

Guilt makes him want to be "helpful" so he can continue his affair, even though being a faithful husband is much more helpful than coming over a couple of times a week!

Total exposure is necessary, right away. This isn't an EA, it's a PA.

I think you can plan A while pregnant: be kind, express your desire to repair your relationship in non-judgemental terms, don't fight with him even though you REALLY want to! He's trying to convince himself that you are the cause of his A, resentment, whatever...don't give him any grounds for these crazy thoughts!

Also, if he's in withdrawal from your relationship (not NC w/d, the giver/taker/withdrawal), don't waste a bunch of energy trying to please him right now. Believe me, in a couple of months (or sooner I hope) memories of your loving relationship will make him realize that he wants you back. Your beautiful children, the struggle you went through to have them, your love in the midst of his grossest betrayal...while you are at your MOST vulnerable, very pregnant!

Don't you have family who could help? You should not be bearing all of this alone. Exposure could help here, too. People should be flocking to you in sympathy right now, offering to help you at this time.

God Bless you, sweet mother.

Yeah...he won't admit to a PA. Won't really even admit to an EA, just says they are friends and that she is telling him he needs to go home and work on things, and even that she's offered to call me to emphasize she isn't interested in him and that they are just friends who started talking because they were both going through "relationship issues" at the same time. Issues that he kept bottled up and never talked to me about until it was too late, basically.

He WILL NOT admit it has been physical. Whether or not it's a PA, it's an EA since he's confiding and getting comfort from another woman that is not his spouse, that at one point he was feeling shaky about, since he admitted it to me. He said after he told me about that she said she didn't want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage but they continued to talk "as friends."

That's his story and he's sticking to it. I don't think he'd ever admit it except maybe in IC to get it off his chest, but I doubt I'll ever know about it. I also think if he's thinking ahead about D, he's worried that admitting to adultery will hurt his "case", KWIM?

Luckily I do have a supportive family (and even my inlaws are supporting me 100% while trying to be there for him, as well) but there's only so much spare time people have. I'm getting pressure from my MIL to stick to this Plan A b/c my FIL did something similar to her when they were first married, and that's how things got smoothed out eventually. She's also pressuring me to keep him involved with the baby as much as I can in hopes that having a newborn will smack some sense into him.

I feel pretty hopeless right now, and I know my H does, too. He's said he thinks our relationship is just wrecked at this point and beyond repair.

ETA: About exposure...I think I've already done that (unless I don't fully understand exposure). I've told everyone we know about the situation, and I've kept cell phone records, stuff like that. Mutual friends are being supportive to both. Everyone we know is aware of what's happened and where we are, but I can't imagine him ever admitting to it. So is it pointless for me to be attempting a Plan A without him admitting to anything? The only thing he says about all of this is that his feelings have changed for me and none of it has anything to do with her since it started long before they met.

decembermom,
I was too pregnant during the A. It was also very difficult to "understand" what was going on, hormones were crazy enough. WH would never admit to the A. He moved out 3 times & is now back again for the 4 time in a 14 month span. I can only relate, and not really counsel. I'm in C for myself & also we go to MC together. My WH is still in contact, well...not for the last 2 weeks though. I delivered 2 months premature and it all related to stress, etc. My DS is now 9 mo. old & is doing great. See my story if you are interested at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3123258 if you are interested. Maybe you will have more questions for me, and maybe I can help you "relate". Best of luck to you. Karen

Karen, thanks for the reply and for sharing your experience. I've seen huge changes over the past several days since implementing a Plan A attitude towards everything...even in myself. I'm feeling a bit more hopeful now that he told me yesterday that he made his appointment to start IC, and last night he actually hugged me for the first time in weeks, and I could feel emotion behind it. So he's still in there somewhere. He has no intention of coming home anytime soon (I haven't asked him but I just get that impression) so I'm just going to continue doing what I'm doing and ask nothing of him.

He asked me the other day what I wanted as far as when we come home with the baby...if I wanted him here all day/all night, or just during the day, etc. All I said is that he's made this entire situation about himself already, so he can decide for himself what is appropriate. He didn't like that answer because he wants ME to make the decisions for him so that he won't feel guilty about them. But I won't do it. I'll punish myself before asking him for a thing right now, since it's only out of obligation and not b/c he really wants to be helping me, KWIM? I won't give him the satisfaction of "needing" him for anything other than doing his part with the baby and with our daughter and stuff around the house until I am on my feet again.

I'm also doing IC right now and my therapist is very supportive of Plan A. If anything, it's going to help me protect myself emotionally if things don't end up working out.

I'll be following your story to see how things continue to go with you. Thanks for your support!

DM,
I'm glad to hear that things are progressing. I struggled a great deal with the delivery, etc., wondering if I should let him in to see his child born or not. I think that I am still glad that I did, however he wasn't much help at all, and certainly no support. He was still way deep in the A at that point. I would stand your ground about coming home, etc. I guilted my WH into coming home & it was for the wrong reasons & if I knew then what I know now I certainly would have done it different. Hang in there & the best of luck for your delivery. It is certainly a blessing in disguise & you will cherish this baby & even more than you can possibly imagine. My DS has been my crutch through all of this! So...do you think that the A is still going on? I'll stay in touch with you as well. Take care. K

Yeah, since I last posted I've just been so cranky and feeling tired and miserable this late in pregnancy that my Plan A has been more like just being really pissy and snotty to him. We had one good night, followed by two more days of pissiness. I need to get Plan A back on track. I'm still following the basic guidelines but I need to reel in the attitude a bit.

As for the A, I know they still talk and are still working together periodically (Part time job). He won't admit that it's anything but friendship. So it's an EA at the minimum, as I see it. Still a major problem for me, and until he sees it as it is, I don't forsee anything improving. I hope his therapist helps and makes him see what it truly is.

HOw are you hanging in there? Are you dreading the holidays? Have you found the baby is helping you focus on other things?

DM,
Yes the baby certainly continues to take my mind off of a lot of things! My H too told me that it was just an EA AND I believed him. When they act as they do usually a EA ends up a full blown SA...anyhow an A is an A no matter how you look at it. I haven't treated it any different now than I did 14 months ago. There really has to be NC though, the part-time job has to go in order for the two of you to fix things. My H never understood that, it was very difficult to do NC with a long-time friend, as the OW was for over 25 years, but he knows now that it has to be!, not sure if he'll be able to do it though; we'll see. When is your due date? Does your H seem excited? My H & I tried for over a year to get pregnant & when it finally happened he was in the beginning stages of the EA, so he too did not want the child; it was going to mess up his plan to have an A & make it even more difficult to swallow...didn't stop him though! Very sad! Holidays for me are very tough. We just got through a house full of relatives for Thanksgiving & I just dread Christmas. Usually my house is all decorated for the holidays this past weekend but I didn't do a thing! I find myself just lounging more than I have ever done before, playing with the baby & just relaxing...it actually feels pretty good. If you could see my house I have always been a real neat freak!, Big time! You could eat off of my floors any day of the week, no 5 second rule in my house. Lately I have dust balls rolling across my kitchen floor! Pillows on the sofa & chairs have always been in place before I go up to bed, not a dish left in the sink, etc. Not that I want to sound like I have really let things go, but it will certainly give you an idea of how much I have truly changed! Yikes, it's a little scary. Actually my Anti's probably help with that too! All this talk of how dirty my house is makes me think that I better go straight home from work & clean it! Oh well, an A really changes LIFE! At least the life that we once knew. Hope this note finds you ok. Hang in there! K