Hi all. I'm new here and have a big problem. Big to me anyway. My wife of seven years has a problem with the internet. She actually has had two "affairs" that I know of. She speaks to guys in ways that I wish I'd never known. I thought we had dealt with this issue, but I found out recently that she's been talking to an ex-boyfriend. She's admitted to being "addicted" to this behavior but later said that she was over that. What do I do? She doesn't know that I know her recent "activity". Any advice or experience is greatly appreciated, and I'm always willing to return the favor when possible. Thank you so much!

You both need to get into marriage counseling. If she is using this mainly to discuss sexual escapades and such she could have a sex addiction that will need counseling.

You should remove all computers from your home and instead spend this time together. Go on a vacation together. Ask her what it is about these online affairs that appeal to her and see if you can incorporate some of this into your M. Read His Needs/Her Needs book by Dr. Harley together. Each of ou fill out the emotional needs questionnaire on this site and discuss it together. Oh, and her saying that she's quit after calling it an addictive behavior is hogwash. That's like a crack addict saying, okay I'm done, no more crack. It's like a smoker saying no more cigarettes starting today. It' not that simple and we all know it. You don't just quit being an addict of any sort. You need help.

Now, the affair with the Ex BF is another thing. This has to stop immediately. There are already emotions attached to this one. He's not some unknown face on the internet. Is he married? You may need to expose this to his wife, girlfriend, etc.?

Thanks for the reply. I'm looking into marriage counseling. We actually went to a session a couple months ago, when things were real bad, but one session isn't much.

As for the computers, she has some online college courses. That would severly hurt her schooling and goals. I'll try to find that book you mentioned. And yes the addiction thing, I'm a slowly-attempting-to-quit smoker of 15 years. I know how hard addictions can hold on to you.

The ex-boyfriend thing REALLY has me upset! I guess he lives with his long-time girlfriend. I don't know...should I call her and tell her what I know? What would my wife think of that? I'm going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!

I would like for a few others to chime in here and help Matt so here's "BUMP" to the top.

Matt, your wife would be furious when you call the girlfriend, but it might save your marriage. Your focus should be on saving your marriage, not on avoiding her anger. Your marriage survive some anger, it can't survive an affair. So, call up the gf and tell her whats going on.

After you do that, tell your wife you know what she's doing and ask her what she will do to stop. Ask her if she will agree to a keylogger on her computer, that only you have the password to, so you can hold her accountable.

p.s. do you have a keylogger on her computer now?

Thanks for the bump! I love you guys for helping me. For real I've needed someone to talk to for months!

I did indeed have a keylogger, a very powerful one that took screen shots every six seconds. I didn't miss a thing. I told her it was there. I don't think she realized what it was and denied her behavior still. Here about two weeks ago she got curious and found it. She read everything that she had said to these people and felt terrible. It was genuine. I can tell with her. But she deleted my keylogger. Man I need to get me a new one! Preferably a FREE one!

Right now I "keep tabs" on her by looking in her email, myspace, and have the instant messengers set up to keep a history of conversations.

Get a new keylogger with a different combination of keys to access the program. Don't let her know about it. You can get one for $40, so it is well worth the investment. Also, get other computer programs that block certain sites. Finally, find out who she is emailing and block out their address. It is like an alcoholic with booze. Cut off all access to the sites she is addicted to (as much as possible). She'll hate you while she's in withdrawal, but she'll thank you later if you save your marriage.

- Jim

You know what? Half of me feels stupid for worrying. A few weeks ago, when she was dedicated to not taking part in this behavior, she got my name tattooed on her back as a show of devotion and love and a desire to be with only me. She's so awesome I can't even tell you.

But then when I'm not around.....that's when she get's online and talks to guys like she does......I don't totally get it. Totally devoted to me, we're so in love, but then the flipside when I'm at work or sleeping in or whatever. Very confusing. "Addiction". Sounds stupid, yet I kind of believe her. I'll tell ya about confused. I AM.

But yeah a keylogger is definitely going to be in the works.

A new "software" keylogger that has a stealth mode.

A hardware keylogger that doesn't capture screen shots but does capture passwords and can't be "deleted" and not as easy to detect.

Software to block certain applications. If she is using Instant Messenger, Yahoo Messenger, MSN Messenger, etc -- you need to delete these from your computer. You'll know if they've been re-installed.

She can always create new accounts for mail/chat/etc, but with the keyloggers in place, you'll know about them.

Good Luck

I'd feel super guilty for deleting her Yahoo and MSN messengers. I don't know why. I guess because she'd be embarassed, hurt, angry, I don't know. I feel awful as if I'm treating her like a child. I mean trust me, I've had many a thought about smashing the computer with a ball bat or throwing it into the road, or just putting my foot through it, or maybe just making it disappear clean-like. But I haven't. Why? I'd feel guilty. That's stupid huh?

Matt:

You are a rookie.

Let the pros around here teach you how to kill the Emotional Affairs (EA) that your W is having.

Your journey has just started.

You have admitted that you have half-heartedly tried to stop smoking for 15 years.

And smoking is legal.

Your W's EA's are not. And that is a much more powerful drug. And she has been getting hits when you are not around. Because when you are, she can't.

The tattoo? Nice. But have her remove all the computers from the home office. And the only time she uses one is to do her college course. While you monitor the use. No visitung "Internet Cafes" either.

That's committment. The tattoo is merely cosmetic.

Her actions are truth.

Keyloggers are a must and possibly a voice activated recorder for the car. Review her cell phone records.

Call the GF. Now. Your W may not be having a Physical Affair (PA), but she is having the EA. Let OMGF know what is going on.

Next, Order His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) from this website. No need to "look" for it. After your read that, you will know hao difficult your road going forward really is.

Dude,

My FWW met her OM on line in a chat room, and things progressed to a 2 year PA!

These chat rooms are THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND!!!

My W and I now have one joint email account!

What the heck does she have a MySpace site for??? This is a huge red flag.

Why did she delete your keylogger?? Unless she MUST continue with her addiction. She is getting her kicks from talking to these other slimeballs. She read what she was saying to these guys and brokedown??? Sounds like alligator tears to me.

""I'd feel super guilty for deleting her Yahoo and MSN messengers.''

I BEG YOUR PARDON??!! Snap out of this!! You are putting your M in jepardy by going woosey with this guilt-speak!!

Her actions say she has NO INTENTION of stopping. IMHO

krk