I have seen wayyyyy too many BS's lately who in the name of saving their marriage or getting their WS back are willing to sacrafice their own self worth, dignity and self esteem to do so. This is not healthy. Read BobPure's thread below about what happened to one appeasing BH. From personal experience I was guilty of this when I first found out. I hated myself but I wanted my wife back so much that I would almost say or do anything she asked (DEMANDED) me to do in order to pacify her "while she thought things over" (aka continued to pursue an affair while trying to figure out how to take her cake with her). What was so bad is that when I look back now I hate myself during that time for letting her manipulate me when she was at fault and responsible for destroying our M and our family.

I finally woke up and became the man I had always been and had forgotten about and started to put boundaries on our interaction. She got madder than hades because I wasn't doing things the way she liked or wanted. I didn't care because I found myself again. Our M did not have a happy ending. She is now my EX WW and is still pursuing the R with this loser. She has lost custody of our son for this loser and their fantasy R. But, when I finally started to stand up for me and our children is when I really felt that IF she had wanted to come back I could have actually seen it working. If she had come back due to my appeasement and groveling I can promise you that the minute my self esteem reappeared and I remembered how she had treated me and our family I would have had so much anger that I would have kicked her to the curb anyway.

I say all this to say at some point you have to draw a line in the sand. Do you really want a selfish, self centered, self indulgent, addictive, twisted, adulterous, lying, untrustworthy WH or WW back no matter the cost to you or those around you? I didn't and I don't. The best chance you have for saving your M is to use the MB principles and at the same time to stand up and be counted, not ugly, not demanding, not mean spirited, and so on but to keep your self respect and dignity and to do what is right without worrying how a WH or WW will act. To heck with what they think if you are doing the best and right thing for your M, you and your family. You do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Just me 2 cents about too much appeasement and willingness to get or take the WS back at any cost to self.

Hope,

AMEN.

I finally took my balls out of my FWW's purse a few weeks ago.

Put my foot down and have refused to lift it.

It started when we bought a new car. It was supposed to be for me but somehow became hers when we got to the dealership. She started her nonsense I don't do nice things for her.

I TOOK THE CAR BACK. She was pissed. I still have the car.

In MC I told her I wanted a D and I wasn't kidding. There was something I asked her to do and it bothered me she wouldn't. She said I needed to get over it.

I said I will not if we stay married but since I plan on getting a D then I know I will.

I still have the car. She is starting to do what I ask.

And by the way. Everything I have asked for is completely reasonable as confirmed by our MC and my IC.

As a matter of fact they both are in disbelief she didn't do them before.

I refuse to be in an M under her terms. Our terms yes. Hers no. I also refuse to give up my Dignity to be with her.

I have erased the welcome off of my back.

Now I am getting the response I haven't for years.

If Plan A isn't working then stop trying to work it.

Some people just don't get it.

Ok I'm one of the BH around lately.

I have worked to better myself

I now own my feelings and actions

I have my boundaries and my wife knows them

I call OMW to inform her

My wife sees how wrong the EA was and has called OMW to apologiz to her and thinks OM own me an apology.

I watch for contact and can't find any.

I don't LB or make myself the cause of my wifes pain.

I plan "things" for my wife and I to do and she like to do them. This weekend we are going to "the big city" and staying 2 nights. We will be seeing a show and Xmass shopping.

I am not taking just anything she will toss to me and be happy with it.

Here's the nut:

Right now I feel like I was just in a car accident (8 sec ago). Just came to a stop and see that I'm in one piece, but bleeding a little. The car is still smoking, the radiator is steaming and it is quite right now. Everthing is stopped. Just a feeling of it's over (car accident), I'm alive, I'm going to be fine, but what the heck is the next step? I can't get out of the car by myself and I need help (insert wife's help here). So I need her help and the questions I have been asking is when will she help and how much will she help. With that said I know - patients.

M2L