I hae a problem with drinking. It has gone up and down over the years, and of course when things are bad with WH it can ramp up. WH hates it, DD hates it, and so do i, most of the time. I know why I do it, it's complete self medication, and it just takes the edge off of the intense pain I am in much of the time. I've made some attempts at getting help but never stuck with it. I also have clinical depression which doesnt help, and i have been off meds (even in the midst of dealing with the A) for awhile. I am going back on them at the end of this month when i have a dr. appt. and then will have to stop the drinking because you cant when you are on the meds i need to take.
OK - so the real issue today and why i am back on the board.
I was drinking last weekend and trying to hide it from WH..he totally knew, and i was totally denying it. we had been in an argument earlier in the day, and that was my excuse du jour to self medicate again. Stupid.
WH got really angry bc he knew i was lying. He said he may as well call OW again. I said whatever i didnt care (and at that moment i realy didn't.
He called her. I found out today.
I need to be done, don't i? I cannot take this anymore. i actually got a loan from work and have a check sitting in my purse that i can use for a retainer fee and just be done with this craziness. I am not saying WH is totally to blame for my drinking but i cant help but think that i would have a ****** of alot better chance at stopping if he was not in my life anymore. Help, please. I am just a mess right now and i dont know what to think or do.

"i would have [a] lot better chance at stopping if he was not in my life"

sounds like the opposite: sounds like you would have a lot better chance of him in your life, if you stopped drinking.

I'm sorry for your pain.
Buying more booze for yourself, is only making it worse.
If you stop buying it, then you cant drink any more.

You have an addiction. It is hyppocritical to expect your husband to quit his "addiction", if you wont quit yours.

Harley says where there is an addiction involved that needs to precede any MBing.

I agree and I think it applies just as much to a BS as a WS.

Until you are able to take YOURSELF out of this unhealthy dynamic and view things from a stable functional perspective you won't be able to keep your own head above water let alone steer or enforce and sort of recovery effort.

oh my. techie...your comment is perfect and so true, as is yours noodle.
i suppose the loan check should be used for some help with my drinking problem instead of hiring an attorney.

thank you...

Yes! Go to your local Outpatient Substance Abuse Treatment Center. They usually take walk-ins so go there right now.

MPELE...

I think it might be a sword that cuts both ways.

Your drinking no doubt negatively impacts your recovery and your relationship no doubt negatively impacts your addiction.

The point is that this creates a cycle...these things feed off of each other and escalate.

In order to stop the cycle ie starve them they have to be separated so that they cease to be able to impact each other.

'Your drinking no doubt negatively impacts your recovery and your relationship no doubt negatively impacts your addiction.'

Oh, yes! thats about as much of a bullseye on the situation as you can get. its a vicious cycle.
My biggest concern re: WH is that yes, i can recover from this addiction (and i know i can) ...but then what happens when he's just mad at me in general, or ive upset him for some other reason - then is he still going to call the OW?? He's getting off on it, i know he is - because when his mess of a wife falls off the wagon or makes him mad, he just runs to the OW to get his fix and be told what he wants to hear.
Before this latest BS and contact, i was very conflicted about staying with WH anyway, so i just dont know that i want WH to be part of my recovery from this problem, or if i can take this as an opportunity to stop drinking and start fresh altogether...without WH.

And here's another thing that makes me mad about this --- after DDay, I did admit what I had done to damage our M - and the drinking was close to the top of the list, of course...and i really have made huge improvements in the past few months...I used to 'have a few' every night practically and when we would go out with friends, i would more often than not get tipsy.
After DDay, I have not been drinking during the week at all and we have been to weddings and parties and alot of events where i have not had a drop - by my own choice, not by WH telling me not to.
Have I fallen off the wagon a few times? Yes, i have.

i guess i just get upset because i have really been trying and instead of recognizng that and helping me, WH either enables me (because there are plenty of times we have gone somewhere and WH asks me if i want a drink - what is that?!) or when i do mess up, the first thing he does is call OW to punish me for being 'bad'. Ack.

from what I understand, as with most addictions.. it's best if you decide to do it FOR YOU. "WH" is irrelevant.
Sort out yourself first. it's not a question of whether he is "a part of your recovery". There's only one person in your recovery that matters: you.

Then think about where you want to be with WH, after you've sorted yourself out.

Mpele, it looks like your H is using your drinking as an excuse to cat around. And you are using his catting around as an excuse to drink! Like noodle said, you are feeding off each other.

I would hang onto the money and go to an AA meeting; they are free. Get a female sponsor and go to lots and lots of meetings if you want to stop living like this. Your H probably won't want you anymore after you stop drinking [many don't] but at least you will be sane and sober enough to decide if you want him.

I agree with Mel (it's hard not to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).

He is using your weakness as an excuse for his evil acts. Take the $$ and spend it on getting yourself the support (legal-lawyer and mental-IC).

He wants you to fail so he can lessen his guilt and still have the OW. You are sooo close to seeing the real WS who is using you and your family.

The WS is toxic for you like the alcohol. Worse in fact because he is devious and toxic.

L.

Yes Orchid - I agree - that's what he's doing. I like Mel's suggestion of the free alcohol recovery support with AA - work the program hard, and get the legal support at the same time.

MPELE, Get rid of your stimulus-response trigger - or at least put him on notice that the dance you've been dancing with your respective vices is over.

Sorry - no PC over the weekend, so i wasnt able to post.

Thanks again for your advice here - which is wonderful as usual. WH is using my weakness as his excuse, for sure. And the point Orchid made about him wanting me to fail is eerily true.
I may have my issues and problems, but WH is so messed up it's not funny - I think he truly believes that if things don't work out with us that he will simply tell everyone about my drinking and how that effected everything and caused the A, blah blah -- you know, the old violin playing for poor WH. 'MP drove me to have an A with her drinking' Yeah, ok.
I had an interesting conversation w/ a mutual friend this weekend who is aware of our issues and the friend has known WH since childhood - she said 'not that this makes anything WH did OK, but you know his father did the same thing (had A's)' Um, no - i didn't. Well, that's not entirely true - i suspected that may have been the case but the one time i brought it up to WH he was very defensive and insulted that i would ask that...FIL passed away suddenly a couple of years ago, and I cant really bring it up now. I just found our friends comments very interesting considering what's happened in our marriage. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree?
WH just seems so in denial about his role in the destruction of our M - he wants me to get help, get counseling, go back on meds...but his contribution (according to him) seems to be the fact that he did try to mend the relationship after the first A and i didn't. Now, in theory that is correct - he did try to make amends and i did not accept anything he did...but this is what he thinks he had done to fix our problems?? He had an affair - he was supposed to be making amends!! That he thinks this was some grand gesture on his part, and now i somehow have to 'prove' to him that i will work on things with myself is just crazy. Now, i do know that i need to work on things with myself, for sure - i am just increasingly concerned about his denial of any issues he has - i mean, honestly concerned about his mental grasp on reality. There's just been some things he has said about our situation and relationship that make me question his mental make up. Honestly, to the point that i worry a little about it.
Anyways...i did deposit my loan check and have a savings account in my name only now, woo hoo! am looking into treatment avenues for the alcohol, and have an appt on 11/28 to get back on my AD meds. So, I am getting there as far as i am concerned, just don't know what to do about WH.

MPELE,
I am just back from 2 weeks vacation, and I did not see this.

I am an alcoholic. Sober 7.5 years.

Go to AA. If you don't like the first meeting you go to, try another one. You may have to try 20 or more DIFFERENT kids of meetings (location, place, constituency, format, topic, speaker or not, mixed or all-female? book study? open or closed?) before you find one you like.

Go anyway. Go today. Go twice today if you can. Go tomorrow. Keep going.

Speak up and ask for help.

Go even if you hate it.

Talk. Talk some more. Find a sponsor and take her suggestions seriously.

Be warned: you will be bombarded with feelings that seem out of control for the first 30 days, maybe more. Go anyway. And don't drink, no matter what.

Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Dare you!

This is for you. Not your marriage. Keep drinking, and you will die, in one way or another.

It took me nearly 3 years of "trying" to get sober before I was able to put 90 days of sobriety together.