Hello everybody,

Some of you know my story here already. I am 2 weeks from DDay with my WW and her former boss/coworker (she has since left for a new job at a different company).

I have been following the MB advice as best as I can. I have been showering her with good things: quality listening time, compliments, positive thinking on my part, etc. I resist the urges to listen to my "Taker" that say "this isn't fair! She gives nothing back!". She has passively accepted more and more of my advances, and she has allowed me to touch her, kiss her good-bye or goodnight, and I've even snuck in two foot massages. But I could tell all along she was having to force herself to accept my touches.

Well today she finally snapped. She says she feels suffocated by me. That she gets angry when she thinks that I am spying on her and that I need to stop (all the more reason to spy on her I say). She says she resents that I feel that I can be nice for 2 weeks and that she'll either be healed or "give me sex". I told her I don't expect her to be magically healed. That I enjoy being good to her because I feel so stupid for not being a better husband all along. I tell her I expect this to be a long process, but she is sure I am "just being nice to get sex". Of course, I think resuming sex would be great, but what I'm really after is for her to love me again and for us to have a great M together. Even this she interprets as selfish on my part. What can you say to that? That's true for everyone. No one can give forever and never receive.

Anyway, the conversation really shook me when she says things like she doesn't want to spend any time with me during our Thanksgiving vacation. I will do my best to just keep at Plan A and stay positive and create a situation where she would be crazy to give me up.

But I am hoping that this is actually a good sign. She is feeling uncomfortable because her rationale for the A is breaking down. She is also of course experiencing withdrawal from the OM. Conversations like this might be a sign of drawing her into Conflict and out of Withdrawal, right?

Regardless, I'm going to stay the course right through June, but it would be good to hear people's opinions on her reaction to pull away from me because I'm being "falsely" nice and "suffocating" her.

TomFool

Tom:

What she said:
Blah BlahBlah BlahBlahBlahBlah BlahBlahBlah BlahBlah Blah.

What it means:
She is in withdrawl and in a crappy mood and your are the closest target that she feels she can lash out at.


The phase that you are in right now we refer to as the "Rollercoaster". Some (up) days are great. There's NOTHING you and (F)WW can't overcome. Some (down) days are pure he11 on earth. You can't see how you & (F)WW could ever work this through.

This is NORMAL! What you need to do is sit down, strap in, and Hang on! You're in for one he11 of a ride.

Stay Strong!

TomFool, feelings are transient. I"m sure yours are going through some major fluctuations too.

Hold to the course. Plan A- and remember, this does not mean being a doormat.

Good luck!

DON"T talk too much about your marriage or the A with your wife. Give her space and time. You are doing pretty good, but work on how you can be a better person not just with her, but just in life. How can you make you better? As she comes around she will see the better you. Don't point out how you are better, let her see it.

This will take a LONG time to get through and as my two friends above told you - it will have ups and downs.

Best wishes,
M2L

I think you need to back off a bit. First off, when you fall all over her, it sends a message that there is an expectation of reciprocal action. She is in withdrawal right now and has NOTHING TO GIVE. So when you do this, and she can't return the favor, it makes her feel very guilty, which comes out in ANGER at you. And since she can't reciprocate, she will look for reasons to lash out at you so she can justify keeping you at arms length.

Also, when you treat her like a queen when she has just crapped on you, it is sort of disgusting and weird. While you shouldn't be punishing her for her affair, it just comes across as unnatural, wimpy and manipulative when you REWARD her for being mean to you.

So back off, and let her come to you. Don't be cold, but just don't chase her. As she gets through this, she will probably draw TO you.


Keep spying, just don't get caught!

What ML said. I was about to write almost the same thing warning you not to kiss her butt. You have to be a great man and show her compassion and show her love without expectation but not in a way where you're bowing and scraping. Doing so lowers your status. It makes you seem weak and needy and not sexy.

I'm not suggesting you punish her or act cocky or lord anything over her.

She's in pain and feels like a bad and low person. She wants to fight that feeling by making you the bad person and by making herself the object of your desperate sexual desire.

Don't let her. Don't argue with her about it. Don't react to those efforts. Don't feed that beast. Just be excellent. Being excellent speaks for itself.

GC

And don't buy her that new house.

I agree with Maybe2late -- work on you. She will test you over the next few weeks to see if you are "for real", but be consistent. If you want to spy, then be willing to experience more hurt. Focus on things you can control and that is you and how you react to her. You can't make her feel "love" for you the way you feel for her -- her feelings are not where yours are right now. When I read your story it almost mirrored what me and my husband went through almost two years ago. I focused on me and my children -- I was very nice to him, but not excusing the A. Don't let resentment build up in you about how she is reacting to you right now.

These forums continue to amaze me with the great advice and support.

I have an update. The conversation where she was angry and pushing back was at work over the phone. That night, we rode the bus home together. She apologized "for being so hard on me" and for the first time since dday initiated affection...in this case passionate kissing (the bus is the more private "chartered" type so it wasn't an obscene PDA). I was on Cloud 9 to be sure, but I did pretty well controlling myself. Well, my Taker certainly got hungry for more, and when no more initiation took place on her part the rest of the night or this morning it was definitely hard to hide the hurt. But it's making sense to me now in light of everything you good people have been saying here. I need to let her come to me like that. And if she does come to me, I can't expect that she will keep coming like that. I will work on being excellent. My goal is to come out of this a much better person with or without recovery. Thanks to your reminders, I'll fight the urge to be needy for those kisses.

My new motto: Nobody likes needy.

Thanks everybody.

TomFool