I don't really want to go into all the details, but wanted to say that my marriage to my wife has been lacking romance and passion for many years now. Recently she had an emotional affair. Thankfully I realized something was amiss and after several days, I asked her about things. She admitted to the attraction to some other guy. I say thanfully because I was able to interveen before something worse came of it.

Anyway, she has said that our marriage lacks passion, romance, that she just does not feel as though she loves me the same as I love her anymore. I'm working on all this. But, the one thing that seems to be so elusive for me is how to bring back some of that passion in this state of mind she is in. Her state of mind includes things like (some of which I have said)

1) lack of passion for me
2) lack of love for me
3) thinks I'm needy
4) not sure if she's commited to making the marriage work
5) is not sure we are meant to be together

The one thing that does seem to be in my favor however is that since all this happen, things have been getting somehwat better as far as our friendship. We have not been fighting, a bicker here and there but for the most part getting along great. We still sleep in bed together. I have noticed that she seems to be inching closer to me while we are in bed whereas before she would stay securly on her side. Not sure if things are rekindling or what nor do I want to over analyze it and take too much comfort in it.


So.... with my wifes mindset, how do I go about showing her love without saying it in such a way that does not seem phony or fake, or that I'm trying too hard? How do I get her to feel close to me again?

Don't get me wrong, I've seen some of the other posts in this section of the board, but they all seem to be coming from a different perspective. I need the perspective where my wife is the one who had the EA and is all but gone, and I'm trying to rekindle things.


Thanks for any help.

What are her top ENs, RB?

And have you read and understood all about Love Busters? No matter what you do to meet an EN, one LB can take away 20 of them...you don't want to be running behind, full of effort and create resentment in yourself...so know what DJs, AOs, SDs are...and the others. Find out more about what you do...

How are you at O&H statements?

Sounds like you're asking how to live authentically...takes getting in touch with what you really believe and feel, then sharing that.

Sharing who you really are is passionate living. Affection (even the lightest touch on the shoulder when you pass through a room); admiration, appreciation, acknowledgment (find her new and fascinating), and attention.

The A's of Plan A beat an EA any day.

You can't control what she sees as phony or fake...my DH didn't believe my acts...sure has over time...stunned at my changes...which I made for me...required learning who I was, all of me, and sharing my discoveries.

You mention needy...sure helped me work a schedule of UA time out with DH...which he dreaded at first (I was the needy one and he had fear of encroachment)...until it became something I had to work in between my own stuff...and made it all RC time...side by side fun.

You don't get anyone to feel close to you...you become safe to be close to; you act intimacy and stay safe to be shared with. No probing (I called it digging) questions...listen and repeat...share with "I" statements...own your own stuff and find your journey fascinating.

Intimacy is knowing who you are right now and sharing your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives...

To share because YOU are worth knowing...and open to being known...and knowing your partner.

Passion, in love (mushy good stuff feelings) will come...you can't make her commit or change her goals...you can state yours...your vision, what you're working on, learning...sharing...not lecturing.

And I'd begin with you considering if you have hidden beliefs...like about destiny, being meant to be together, etc. Understand that where she's at, fogged up in a wayward state of mind (which is entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect) is a child's state of mind. Inject respect and hand back to her her own choices...say you know she's capable, smart, responsible and whole...

As you are.

Because you are.

For instance, if she says, "I don't know if I feel anything for you."

Nod and hand it back, "I hear you don't know if you feel something for me right now."

Truth is, we only have right now...stay in it. Remember it in your discourse. Calm, no LBs, interested and respectful.

You can do this...I believe you'd do well to have your own thread in GQII where I've seen you post. We have so many creative, recovered people here...full of ideas.

Here's one...on the topic of flowers or small gifts...like candles...or a combination. Giving gifts is my love language...discover hers...what used to take the joy out of my DH over a gift I'd give, what labeled me needy, was my expression (anticipation and expectation) in giving them.

I stopped that. I made them into drivebys...no response required. Got my joy in the giving...knew it fully as my choice, my power to express my love and I got a love deposit in my own bank from it, because I let go the response..."Glad you enjoyed it."

I printed out a joke and left it on his dash...a card of appreciation here or there...sent him flowers at work...brought him home a magazine he liked and left it on his nightstand...wordless gifts. Sincere appreciative statements...

Lots of stuff...had candles and soft music on when he came home (reminds me to do that again...duh!)...without remark.

Each time he came in the door I would say, "Welcome home" and I meant it. I got in touch with my gratitude for his presence, not measuring his words, response, body language, or the lack thereof...kept my focus on me, to shine.

You can, too.

Authentic living fills you up with love, and you spill over...I promise.

You can do this. Take comfort in yourself...your known goal...to save your marriage...have a thriving one...in every act of love, know it as coming from your choice to love her...living to your own code, not based on her response.

Massages, foot rubs, smiles...

Anyway, share her ENs and posters will raise your creative levels...I bet you know a lot of stuff you could do as expression...just sharing my own.

LA

Thanks for the reply. I know her primary and seconday and third in fact.

I have read The Five Languages of Love. My wife wont bother. ****** she wont bother reading anything. She started to but then stopped, I asked why, she said because self help books bore her. Great! What a wonderful way to live your life. I would hate to have my own self concieved notion that I have nothing to improve on.

Her primary is Acts of Service. Ok fine, however, we are both working parents so I already to a lot of the chores around hte house. What would help me is knowing what would be an act of service I know she would appreciate.

Her second and third tied are Quality Time and Gift Giving, however she says she does not think gift giving really should have scored that high.

I have been giving her more quality time. That is easy. Date her, spend time with her without any motives.

Are you still around RB? No posts for a month.

Even though you caught it before anything physical happened, you should start a thread on Infidelity: General Questions II. That's where the experts on unhappy or struggling marriages are. This forum seems to be for happy spouses.

Hey, yes I'm still here. It's been a long time. A lot of things have been said, a lot of things have happen. Where are we now? After about 8 months of being on the rocks, we seem to be turning things around. SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY. Wife has been planning this for "US", however, there still is a lack of spark between us.

Thus, again, I'm still looking for ways to bring back some lost love. Rekindle some spark. She is not really a romantic sort. She's very head strong and likes to think of herself as independent.

just reading that you said it was going ssssssssssssslllllllooooooooooooowwwwww. I must not be patient enough. He tells me to be patient, but I was thinking days, he must be thinking months?? I'm afraid if I try to hard to rekindle things he may think of me as a fake? Go slow or continue to push?? help if you can

Holy crap. Are we married to the same girl? You are almost describing my situation word for word.

If you've found some stuff that works, please share. I'm in the same boat, although it sounds like my situation is a lot more fresh than yours.

I've bought some bath crayons and wrote her a note in the shower. Zero response, but who knows...

I just finished reading the 5 Love Languages also and "Acts of Service" are my #1. For my H it's "Physical Touch" with "Gifts" coming a close 2nd.
I leave him notes on the bathroom mirror and stop at his workplace to leave romantic cards in his car. I have also taken Butterfinger candy bars (his favorite) to his work and left them in a brown paper bag that I wrote a message on. For Valentine's Day, I sent him a package at work with a stuffed gorilla that gave a wolf whistle when you squeezed his tummy, a heart shaped truffle, a pair of boxer shorts and at the bottom of the box..some naughty photos of me that I posed for in new lingerie. For the Physical Touch, I give him daily backrubs where I warm the lotion beforehand. Sometimes these have to include his feet because he works on his feet all day and they often ache. I make a point of touching his arm whenever I walk by him or just stroke his head.
For me..I know H is happy when he does little chores for me such as wash the dishes or make me a bath while he gets DS headed towards homework and bed. This past weekend, he cleaned out my flowerbeds so my daffodils can come up. The best treat he gave me was a hot bath and new bath oils he bought, and he came in and scrubbed my back afterwards. Later he rubbed me with lotion. Awww.....heaven!

I new to many things here. One is the internet counseling and two is to talk about my marriage. I have been married for 31 years. I love my wife, I guess too much. Jealous, never a moment. I have always enjoyed the recreational aspect of our intimate experiences. Nothing kinky, just normal God allowed activity. About five years ago she asked me to go to a marriage seminar at our church for fun and I've been bummed ever since. The very good speaker said that a wife should take care of her husband physical needs (1 Cor 7), even to the point of surprising him once in a while. She shouldn't always be in the same robe night after night when he comes home from work. He also said both should talk about the their relationship needs. I did, indicating I enjoyed physical contact, and the responce was a laugh and I should grow-up. Crushed is an understatement.
Divorce is not an option. One, is it discredits my testimony, because divorce is so common these days, and two, I love my wife and two grown kids.
Physical contact only a couple times a year is extremely frustrating, especially when I nearly have to beg for the opportunity to snuggle. I am tired, I am disappointed and I just don't know what to do or where to go.
I was asked one time if I thought their may be someone else. I seriously doubt it, but if it were the case it would be short lived because I don't know too many guys who could be this rejected and for this many years.
I talked to my physician about this and he said she could be going through the female change in life. We'll there's no doubt about that, but does it last 10 plus years?
When I have the opportunity to talk to folks with troubled marriages I usually find issues with adultery, but more frequently major financial distress. We're not in this situation. I like to ask folks what did they see in each other when they first got married and what got lost along the way. That always seemed to help at least answer the question. But for me, how do you ask for something that was never there? Yes, we waited till marriage before havng a physical relationship and Bibically that's the way it should be. But, anymore I think I'm the loneliest married man in the world. If I had known I would be deprived like this, I would have never married.

The sad part about reading many of the postings it looks like I'm in the minority, being the guy having to hope for affection.

vawas4lovers

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, VA...

Where have you been reading that you perceived you were in the minority? Have you read the posts on the Emotional Needs forum?

I strongly urge you to copy your post and paste it in a post on that forum...you've hit on a rarely viewed one here under Ideas: Creative Affection.

Many posters are going or have gone through what you are experiencing. And I fully believe that you can experience a really fulfilling, affectionate, intimate marriage.

Take hope and begin a thread over on the EN board...many there will share and help you...did you already read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley? His "Fall in Love, Stay in Love"? You can also find terrific articles on this website by him, as well as some awesome questionnaires to help your marriage.

Welcome. Thanks for acting brave and posting.

LA

WOW!!!!
This is exactly what I am going through right now. Keep up the great posts.