A few weeks ago, I found my hsbands credit card bill with an unknown charge. Decided to call and discovered it was linked to phornograohy. Confronted him, he denied. Checked his email, found links to phornography sites including ads he placed indicating he was looking for sexual partners. I installed spy software and saw hes emailing various people and one agreed to meet him, he replied that he would meet. Dont know what to do. I ome home every day sad, not knowing what to do? Im afraid to confront him and ny family. My dad likes him soo much. sould I let it go and see where it leads?? Im afraid if I tell him, he will just be more sneaky, any advice appreciated.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

How long have you been married? Do you have children together? Is he a good husband apart from this?

Been married two yrs., dated fr nine, no children. Hes been good apart from this. Now I feel like I dont knoe him, so maybe Im wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

For sure you cannot let it go. I would keep the key logger on the computer. Don't tell him it is there, or he WILL get sneakier.

Will he go to marriage counseling with you?

Corlea1,

You HAVE to check out some of the post like "quick start guide for betrayed spouses". It may be under "just found out" but I think it might be under "recovery".

Your husband is definitely going to have a physcial affair (PA) if he hasn't already. I am sure he has already had a emotional affair (EA) with someone online.

Do not tell him where or how you got your info about his upcoming affair. But do tell him you know about it.....AFTER you read the article on Dr. Harley's website about "surviving an affair". You have to stop the affair immediately but read that stuff first before you confront him.

You have come to the best website ever to handle your exact situation. Please keep posting and please read everything you can on this website.

My H also had a EA 1 1/2 yrs ago. After knowing her for 4 wks he asked for a divorce and moved out. Now we are in recovery. D-day was 3 months ago.

You have to take this seriously but don't ever forget, you're not alone in this. You have all of us.

I am glad I found this site because I have no one to talk to about this due to the fact it is embarassing. Im so torn right now. I feel like this whole relationship has been a lie. Part of me wants to fix it but also I kind of just want to give up and start over because I dont feel he can be changed. I dont know how much longer I can go w/o telling him, Ive become depressed over this.

Of course you are depressed - your whole world has come crashing down. It is miserable to go through, but we will help you. Many people here have recovered their marriage.

I wasn't able to stay married, but I am HAPPY again.

If you get too depressed, see your doc for some anti-D's. It is common to lose weight and not be able to sleep while facing this.

Do you work outside the home?

You dated for a long time, and nothing like this ever came up before?

Corlea1,

It is embarrassing and humiliating and we know exactly how you feel. In time, after reading the articles and post on this website, you'll be better able to handle these feelings.

You and your husband were equally 50% responsible for the problems in your marriage, BUT your H is 100% responsible for his infidelity. You didn't make the same disgusting choices he did, he is the one that should be embarrassed and ashamed.

I also know how you feel about feeling like the R was all a lie. I guarantee you that some is and some isn't. In time, once the A is out in the open w/your H and you begin to talk about it, you'll be able to see some of what is and what isn't.

I understand about wanting to give up. If I gave up, I feel like a HUGE burden would be lifted off of me. I would no longer have to look at the man that has caused me this much pain. BUT.....you will still feel this pain and still have to deal with it if you leave.

It is a choice I make everyday....to stay with him. I no longer feel the commitment I once did before our vows were broken. The only reason I am still here is that I still feel something for him.

Another reason I am still here is because my H understands (as much as he can w/out being in my shoes....they will NEVER be able to feel what we've gone through) how this has damaged me and us and he is remorseful and trying to help recover our marriage based on Dr. Harley's concepts. Without all the common sense advice from Harley.....I'd be filing the divorce papers for sure.

It's only been a few months into recovery for us but I am completely amazed at how our relationship has improved. The affair will NEVER be worth it to me, but in all honesty, our marriage has never been better since we've been meeting each other's EN's and avoiding LB's. We just didn't have Dr. Harley's tools to work with before this. Out of desperation after D-day, I found this web site when I was seeking help for my feelings. Thank God I found this site.

Make sure you also read about "plan A" and "plan B".

You do not have to keep this affair to yourself. It definitely sounds to me like you have enough info to confront him about this now. Just don't tell him how you got the info at this point. You will not be able to trust him again for a long, long, time and you will need to keep up your spying for you to be assured that nothing else is going on.

If he follows Harlely's concepts and understands them, your H will have to tell you about his day and who he talked with to help you to feel safe and secure. You need to confront him now so you can start healing. Keeping this to yourself is EXTREMELY unhealthy.

JUST REMEMBER.....NO ANGRY OUTBURSTS, DISREPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS OR SELFISH DEMANDS when you do discuss this with him at all times and at all costs. You have EVERY RIGHT to be angry; just don't do the LB's when expressing it. Walk away until you can.

The sooner you do this, the better.

We're here for you.

Yes corlea1, I agree with the other posters, you must keep checking up on his activity's. You may want to document some of it as well. Just in case this goes to court. Hope not but you never know.

I feel better already with everything Ive seen here. Thank you.
I do work outside the home, thank god or I would be crazy by now and this did come up once before we were married but I figured that would be it. Ive been so mean to him since I found out and I know I should try to be nice for the sake of doing the right thing but I just havent been able to be nice. I am glad to hear there is still hope since all of you have gotten through it. I know I will have to confront him soon even though Im afraid of what will happen next.

Why don't you zip on over to general questions? Weekends are slow.

It may be that he is a sex addict - which has NOTHING to do with sex, but is more about his family of origin issues.

Don't be mean. You need to be in Plan A for now.