Hello,
Last month, I found out my WW had an A with a co-worker. We talked about divorcing, and surprising enough, with 2 kids, we have been able to negotiate the D to the point where we will be trying to do it ourselves. The only stipulation to me staying in the family home, was that there was to be no further contact, no more screwing around until the D is over. 2 weeks ago, i found out via a keylogger, that she not only was lying to me about activities, but that she already had a BF, and has had frequent "encounters" with him since. I have since moved out, fearing something would escalate into yelling matches or domestic violence. Since I moved out, I have had very little contact with her. We filled out the paperwork for the custody of the 2 kids, ages 5 and 2.

I just cannot seem to get over the lonliness of no longer having her in my life. I try to maintain that "had to leave for my own sanity" mantra, but I cannot seem to shake the betrayal feeling of what she did to me. How can people after 13 years of marriage, just split up, and a month later, be in another mans bed like nothing is wrong, and life couldn't be better. I still cannot seem to even glance at another woman still, I cannot shake the feeling that I will end up being the lonely, miserable one, and she will be the happy one, living the life she wants to live, different men every other night.

Further info, I get the kids most of the time. All I had to do, was promise not to touch a couple of accounts she had money hidden, in return for the majority of time with them... a bargain in any court, since I am their father. I begged her to try to make the M work, try to fix the problem, tried exposure, all the tricks I thought would work, but she was the one who pushed the D, then I just got upset enough, I gave it to her. There is no reconciliation over this, I wanted to, but she got increasingly hostile over it... Can't fix what she doesn't think is wrong.

Advice? How do I let go of her?

Hey Kuky, I know you are hurting, and your story is eerily similar to mine, right down to the length of marriage and ages of kids.

FWIW, the simple answer to your question is a four letter word - time. It takes time to grieve the loss, accept it, and move on. In time, you'll get there, and you will be able to hold your head high, having fought for the marriage and having been the good father to your kids.

Now, I do have to giggle at the biggest oxymoron since jumbo shrimp:


Trust me, if the life she always wanted was to screw a different man every night, and that makes her happy, then she has her expectations set so low that she will trip over them every night. There is nothing glamorous about her goal, and achieving it will make her less of a happy person and more of a slut - not the highest achievement in my book.

In the long run, she will not find happiness in this lifestyle, and if she does, well, then you are probably better off being as far away from her as possible.

Give it time, Kuky, and you will be able to let her go.

AGG

kuky Your story matches my as well. When a person jumps from one relationship to the next. It show me that person has very shallow emotions. In short it's called Personality disorders. Can I ask you how quickly your relationship stated with ex? Kuky no she will not be "one who will be happy" Why? I will explain later but first I will need some information concerning her actions. kuky, you were very wise to leave after finding out she lie to you about not seeing other people. Lying is another sigh of a person with a Personality disorders. I am glad to hear you have visitation rights with your children, but you said something about a account that she has, can you give me details about this arrangement, it sounds like you right being blackmailed?. I am a single father of 3. And I have 2 of the older boy with me.ex did the same thing, jumping from one relationship into the next with no down time. Also ex was a Compulsive Lier.

More about lying in a relationship:

Compulsive lying is usually attributable to deep-seated insecurity and, possibly, some narcissistic personality traits -- or at least growing up in a narcissistic family structure.

AGoodGuy: I don't believe that Kuky ex has any goals. I agree with you. You make some very good points. Kuky, I will try to get back with you later today. But after I leaned more about my ex and some of the bad choices she was making. Helped me to heal. I see some traits in her that is very disturbing. After she left (ex) children and I. This is one thing that happen to me:

5/27: Ex called me on mother’s phone number around 10:am. I explained that I would drop off her property at the Spring Hill Mall by Officemate and ask her to go right on front of the Store Street. To take that to behind Walgreen's store. I asked her who would be coming with her and asked if she would not bring her mother. EX said that her mother wasn’t home and would not be coming. EX informs me that her and her sister would be the only people coming. I asked about her cell phone and she (ex) inform me that our youngest son throw her phone in the toilet and that it did not work anymore. I asked if her sister had a cell and she said no. I then asked her if she wanted to talk with the boys and she agreed but then changes her mind and would just call the boys after she went back home. I then asked again and explained about the arrangements to make sure she knew were she was going. In our conversation, I believe she made a mistake and told me that there would be two cars. I ask why she thinks she needed two cars and she stated that her sister would drive one with the children and she would drive the van for her property. This statement raises a few red flags and I didn’t believe her. My sister helped me unpack her van and that she had to return to her home to give her daughter the car. Sister stated that she would pick me up later with her husband‘s car. She asked me if I would be all right knowing how ex can be and about what I told her about my conversation with my ex's mother that day. I reply that I would be fine. (Her mother threaded me and told me that she would bring the whole family down and take her (ex) property from my house.)

Time: Unknown: Received cell call from unknown number Ex screams that she was unable to location property/me. Tried to explain again, but ex would not listen. She asked me why I was doing this and that she was in front of Officemate. Look in that direction and saw my green Plymouth Van. Ex was holding our son. Scream in direction to get her attention. Ex saw me and then pointed at me. Got a bad feeling and started to walk away. Heard a loud engine sound, like a truck/car moving at a very fast speed. Turn around and saw a large gray truck heading straight at me. Started to Run. Then heard two-truck doors opening and saw two men getting out of truck. Two unknown white males started running after me. Ran faster and headed for the 1st store I could find (kinkos), ran inside of store and started screaming for someone to call police. Both White males followed (running) me inside store. I turned around at look at one of the unknown male. He had long gray hair. Walked up to one of the male with my hands up. Unknown male turns away and called me a [censored].

Both the store manager and I called the West Dundee police Department. The store manager asked me to talk with operator on store phone. Explained to the 911 operator what happen and that she would dispatch a car to location. Few minutes later. A West Dundee police officer walked into the store and I walked over to him. He asked for my name and other information. Asked me what happen. And then ask me to walk outside with him. I stay the police car. He walked over to the other officer talking with ex and the other two while males. Officer asked me how I would get home. Explained that my sister would pick me up. Officer offered to take me back to my sister’s house.

Thanks for the replies.

I do indeed hope time is the element I need to get over this. Right now, I seem to drudge life one day at a time. I have good days, then I have bad days. I just want to know that I will indeed get over this. I just cannot escape the question I keep asking myself, how can someone after 12 years of being married, go on to someone else so quickly, and the only answer I keep coming up with is that she moved on long before I knew about the A she was having. The night she told me, she gave me details, did it in the back seat of the family car, commented how quickly her and her BF were able to unstrap the car seats and throw them in the back of her Grand Cherokee... an image I just cannot get over. The mother of my children throwing her children's car seats in the back so she could, well, you know, scratch that itch she had.

Our relationship started quite well. We knew each other a bit over a year. Got married, and started a new life. We waited almost 6 years before having kids, we wanted to ensure the marriage would last. You almost hit the nail on the head there sag... her family, her father especially has problems, mainly OCD, schizophrenia, PTSD, I am sure more. He is pretty normal now that he is on a lot of meds. The WW blames all of the sadness in her life on me, says I am the source of her troubles. I know that isn't it, for the last 3 years, I did all of the cooking, cleaning, took care of the kids, took care of the dog, laundry, you name it, I did it.

The accounts total up to about 7000 dollars. To me, that is a lot of money, but was the only bargaining chip I had to get most of the time with my children. If this goes well, I will have the kids 4, maybe 5 nights a week. She just isn't as involved as a mother should, and I feel I just need to be the responsible parent my children need. Basically, I bought my kids from my STBX for 7000 dollars.

Kuky: When you and your ex started dating "how quickly did she attach herself to you?" Let me explain, people with Personality disorders can attach very quickly, but if it's thier ideal can detach just as quickly. And yes, Kuky even with thier own children!

Kuky you said that she blames you for all her problems. So did my ex. The more you tell me the more it looks like you might have been in a "Controller/Loser relationhip like myself. Growing up in a dysfunctional family can creative this type of person with Personality disorders. It sounds like you did a lot of giving in this relationship. Do you feel that you gave so much in the relationship but didn't receive anything back? Did ex put you down? Like criticizing you? Did your ex work? Did your ex show a lack of emotions to the children or you? How did ex treat your family and friends? Did ex have a lot of friends? Do you know what HPD is?

kuky: same here, I was always the responsible parent. She had no (my ex) parental skills or for that matter, no skills at all. I am a white collar worker and she is a blue collar worker. I wanted her to go back to school, but she never did!

"She just isn't as involved as a mother should, and I feel I just need to be the responsible parent my children need".

I believe that! I feel the same way about my ex. My oldest son told me one day that "Dad, she never did anything for us and she never will!" How old are your children?

Big Mistake


Kuky, get back into the home pronto.The last thing you need right now is to look like a father who is abandoning his kids.And you've allowed your WW just what she wants,a haven to have OM around,putting your kids right in the mess.if this comes down to a legal battle you have to look like a prince.Get documentation about her activities and get back into the home.

If your W wants to cheat let her go to OM's house or some sleazy motel.Don't let her control you ok? You need to get over on the GQII board and read,also introduce yourself.It's too bad that you went from finding out to D arrangements but you could learn a lot over there.It seems a bit too soon to be talking about a D.Think of the kids.

AmericanBeauty: Good advise to kuky. Never and I mean never leave the home if you have children. Unless it is so bad that you must leave to help the children. If you do move live someplace near the children as possible.

I understand your concern about abandonment, and how my moving out would look to an outsider. The facts around this, are that I filed the divorce paperwork 4 days before I moved out, and when I filed the paperwork, I also filed the appropriate paperwork concerning the custody arrangement we did. I only moved a mile away, and when I moved out, I had the kids first, and I took them with me. I have been out for a week now, and we have been following the arrangement we came up with. That, and I am helping her with the bills, (I am living with my parents for now) I am paying half of everything. It would be hard for her to argue abandonment when we have the custody paperwork already filed with the courts. I moved out when I did because I was starting to hate her more every day, and when I found out that she already had a BF, it was either bottle everything else up, or move on and start to heal.

I understand your post though, I thought of that long before I moved out. Had the custody ironed out, paperwork done, and even split up the furniture days before I did so.

I moved out a week ago, and already I feel better than I did last week at this time. I just cannot seem to shake the "What if's".

kuky,

Let me ask you this? Do you really want a divorce (D)? Don't you think it's a hasty decision? You certainly have a right to file after finding out about your WW.But think of the kids.This decision will affect them the rest of their lives and you haven't even given the marriage a chance.You will not be able to tell them that you tried your best,and you owe them that IMO.If you went over to the GQII board then you might be able to start on a plan that could help heal your marriage.Have you read the concepts here?

Being separated and you moving out basically means the marriage will surely die.You cannot work on repairing things effectively being away and although I'm sure you feel beeter being away from the hurt,you seem to be in a big rush to end it all.Most people tend to want to try to recover their marriage after a period of processing the terrible hurt and anger.If it's really over for you then that's your choice.I just feel sad for the kids.

The "What's If's" may just follow you around and haunt you your whole life unless you do try.That's why we usually tell people to do that.Your marriage and children deserve a chance.

Good luck to you.

At first, I wanted to work on it, even wrote up a plan A and started it. The fact of the matter is that she is the one who has already moved on. I am tired of being her little house maid, the one that waits on her hand and foot. 2 short weeks after I found out she had sex with some guy in the jeep, (I found out who it was) she was already on a different guy, and she has already started having sex with him when she got the chance. I wanted to work it out, but she was the one who just wasn't in it emotionally. I could not stay in that house, seeing her every day, knowing that she was doing it when ever she could behind my back. As for my kids, I feel sorry for them as well. They are taking it very hard, and it tears me up inside because I did nothing wrong.

Emotionally, I have nothing left for her. I was actually willing to forgive her ultimate sin for my kids sake, but once I found out she not only wasn't sorry for the one I found out about, but she already has had multiple partners, that I just cannot let go.

If she hadn't of found another guy, a short 2 weeks after talking of D, I may have been willing to stay there, and worked on it more. The additional guys thing was just something I cannot take. Call me weak, or what ever, but I cannot forgive the one who isn't sorry. My children will know about what happened, and I will be the one who will make sure they are well taken care of. With getting to keep them the majority of the time, as a father, is a gift I cannot refuse. The wonderful courts in the country almost rarely give anything to fathers, she is willing to let me have them, and I will take it and run.

Sorry if I seem upset, her complete lack of respect for me has turned me hateful towards her, and has made me someone I am not. I will be unable to date or even be on the market for another for a long time, and her ability to have another man with me still in the house, chatting about what a ****** I am, was a line she cannot go back over.

Kuky: My heart goes out for you. I know how you feel. My ex cheated on me, she did it on Mother’s day! Now I can’t prove it but I know it in my heart. She left on mother’s day telling me that she was going to a hair show with her mother and sister. But never called me later on the day telling what time to expect her. I called her cell many time just getting her voice mail. She did contact me much later on the day and she informs me that she wanted to spend the night at her mother’s house. She never has done that before. When we were talking on the phone I could hear a lot of noise and I made a comment on this. After this person left the children and I telling us (again with mother as a pawn for her) that she would be staying at her parents house Illinois, only later (less then a week) I found out that she moved in with a married man in Wisconsin in a trailer park. I believe the same trailer that she called me from on Mother’s night. Having lived in a trailer I know that it (small trailer) can get very noisily. (Her parent’s own a home. When she would call me from her parent’s home it was never this noisily). She was not in Illinois but in Wisconsin. Her actions broke my heart. I never cheated on her because I knew that it could hurt her (now not sure what I think) and my children. And believe that when we cheat on our partner’s we are cheating on ourselves. After returning home (the next day very late) back from that night. She left the children and me less then two weeks later! She is a very sick person, with so many insecurities. That she very doesn’t know what love is. Kuky, I never and mean never in 15 years saw her hug her children! I have tons of pictures when the children would hug her. When I brought this up with her, she would say “I do, just that you are at work all the time and you don’t see it” Right! I asked my children after she left and they told me that she never, I mean never hugged them. This person can’t tell the truth if her life depended on it!!! My ex is a very shallow person with no emotions ever for her own children. Kuky I know how you feel. Please just try to take it a day at a time! Things will get better for your children and you. Not to sure about your spouse! If anyone is looking for a STD, your wife is! I also understand your statement about dating; I feel the same as well. It’s been 6 months for me and I still want to wait a little longer. I hope that I can date soon; I am very lonely and want to be with a good woman. But I will leave that in God’s hands. I know that I will never, never allow her back into my life because of all her personality disorders. My ex needs help and I hope she gets it! The same goes for your wife, she needs help, but only she can help herself. If she is not willing to work with you, there is nothing that you can do for her. You must accept that.

kuky; same here, my ex's lack of concern for her children makes me sick inside! Yes, take the children and run. That's Exactly what I am doing. Take children and running!!!!

Wow. THis is good info because a lot of it is the same way I feel. Although the exception here is that my wife is a good mother as far as how she has taken care of the kids over the years. But I have found it very very very difficult to get over her as well, but have ben doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks. First my story is that my wife an I were mearried for 14 1/2 years and together for 16 1/2. I though everything was fine until several weeks ago when I asked questions and pushed and new I would not like the answers. THings really went down hill from there. What has amazed me as how easily she went from a marriage that I thought we were working on as a team to going out and having fun with others. THat is one of the things that pissed me off is that I am still grieving, can't go out to bars and night clubs and pick up women nor do I want to, can't even look at other women right now, yet she can easily go out and do this stuff. I realized a couple of things though, she moved on a while ago and is ahead of me in the grieving process, my wife is very good at putting on masks and changing her emotions. I was reading a book on flirting and one of the things it discusses in there is that in order to flirt you have to feel good and put yourself in the mood to do that. How do youput yourself in the modd to do that? YOu think about things that make you happy. Unfortunately for me all of the things that made me happy involved her. I just don't understand how she can do it so easily. THe other thing thathas helped me move on a little is wondering to myself why is it that I am so atached to her? ANd it kind of came to me recently. In the early part of our marriage I was attache to her because of looks and body as well as personality - who I knew she was. Now it is purely for looks and body. She is not the same person anymore. A totally different person that can act one way and think and do something totally different. I was composing an email to her on the concept of duality. Basically meaning that we seem to act and do things like Christians yet we do things differently behind closed doors. I told her that I have made mistakes in the past but I can honestly say that I would never ever o anything to purposly hurt her and have tried to be an upstanding person throught this process over the last few weeks. SHe on the other hand can go to church, teach Sunday School, read the bible every morning and then do the things she is doing. I told her that you know you are doing things right if you would not be embarrased to explain something to your children if they were to find out. I know I can but don't think she could.