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#1770574 11/18/06 10:37 AM
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LoveGod Offline OP
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I really need some help...My WH is overseas and confessed that he has had an EA w/ another woman over the span of about 2 weeks. He confessed to kissing her a few times but promised nothing else happened. He is coming home in Dec. for about 12 days and I wanted some advice on how to implement Plan A when he is here for just a short amount of time. He will not be back in the states, again, until, March. So I really want to make the best of Plan A while he is here..Can someone/everyone please give me some advice on it? Thank you


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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LG - First, slow down and stop panicking. You've got to keep as cool as you can. This is going to be marathon, not a sprint.

Second - I think I posted this to you on another thread. I suggested that you read three permanent posts on the "Just Found Out" board and then come back and ask questions about them here. Did you do that yet?

Third - Please stick to just one thread. Do not start a new post every time you want to say something. If you just keep to one thread, it's much easier for people to keep up with your story and offer advice.

Okay?
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Mulan #1770576 11/18/06 01:56 PM
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Mulan is giving you good advice. You must learn to pace yourself. Now how much are you willing to invest of your time and energy into a good plan A? Go read Surviving an Affair, secure your finances and identify your boundaires. Learn about plans A & B because you don't know which one you will need more. You s/b fully prepared.

Breathe.....breathe..... pace yourself. He had an EA but you have your family to think of. His work is greater. Your job is to show him the way home.

Whatever you do, do NOT enable the A. Learn when his words turn to babble and do NOT allow it to hurt or make you play into the A.

L.

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Orchid:

what are your thoughts after reading her other thread:

HUSBAND'S EMOTIONAL AFFAIR...

Last edited by mimi1254; 11/18/06 02:01 PM.

I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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HI LG

Hang in their the weekend is slow here is a post by ARK about plan A I will past it here for you, it’s been a great help for many and is right on the spot.

Quote:

“I wrote this to familymatters about plan a this am...and then I read sindy post on plan a...so I"m threadjacking myself...

putting out there some of my musings of plan a..


FIRST thing is that I strongly strongly believe that before you even begin plan A...that you make a time limit for it...with plans to go to Plan B...
that for plan b to be effective you must have a good plan a...and for plan a to be effective and have the stamina to hang in there and give so unconditionally you must have a time frame in mind for plan b.....

Plan A is ALL about the assumption that the WS is still in the affair or in contact...
this is your map to navigating those treacherous waters...

it also is your big moment to diffuse all the excuses WS are prone to use to justify their behavior and choices....

and more you can diffuse their blame...

the bs is "always depressed"
the bs "always wants to talk about relationships"
the bs "is controlling"
the bs "yells all the time"
etc....

the more you remove those things...and the more you remove yourself from any powerstruggles of insanse things...

he said she said..
etc...
the more your disengage from arguements..again the more they have look at their own actions and choices....

here's what I told familymatters..One of the biggest mistakes that people make in plan A is that they begin to meet their spouses needs....and still hold on to great expectations of reward and reinforcement from their spouse....

plan a is ALL about learning to give and do for a bit with NO expectation of ANYTHING in return...

the giving of self and gifts with no strings attached....

I have quoted the silly add campaign for some perfume in the 70's here before...but I think it fits....

It went like this ...

"if you want to get someones attention...
whisper."..

plan a is like a whisper of behaviors and actions...
plan a should not be huge demonstrative expressions of love and romance...

WS are incapable of accepting those things...
part of that is that their actions at the time of continuing an affair are NOT loving and lovable...
and they KNOW it..
sometimes they know it better than their BS...who still want to use words like love to them...

so they get resentful
or shut down
or depressed..
or it solidifies their belief that they are so "bad" or so far gone...it feeds into their excuse and defense of unworthiness...

plan a is about filling the home with love and light in other ways...

it about an upbeat environment without the deep doom cloud hanging overhead..

it is about a home filled with children's activities and joy when applicable and it is about inviting and drawing the wS into those times and activities....

and even when they refuse to come in to the joy...the joy goes on without them...

BS that do a good plan a...say they feel like their WS didn't notice..or only was receptive now and then...and then their involvement and particpation increased...

WS that were handed a good plan a...say they watched and noticed EVERYTHING...EVERYTHING....even when the bS thought they didn't notice a thing....

WS are in great turmoil...and human nature is in conflict to take ALWAYS the path of the least resistance.....

the path of least resistance...is withdrawal and wallowing in self loathing and pity..

the path of least resistance is the OP..for they can not judge and force the WS to see their own actions...because they are as guilty as the other....

so plan A'rs.....need to stop ALL relationship talk..
all talk of love...

you do things that are subtle...
like put a CD in that the WS likes...and just enjoy if yourself...and if they enjoy it also...so be it..
even better yet when it is a blast from the past CD...one that speaks of a history...without blatant insistance that the wS remember this or that....

just history...

the person in plan A...needs to be upbeat and charming...they need to see that the BS is capable of fun and joy...because if all they ever see is a BS lost in the pain..then it will solidify their belief that the pain the WS has caused will never go away...and no one can stand to see the pain they have inflicted day after day...(unless psychotic or sadistic)

the person in plan a needs to engage family and friends in fun activites always always always inviting the wS to join in...
they need to see that things can and could be normal again....

plan a can be leaving a love note...but more impressive a joke...
buy an old farside book and make copies of the really really funny ones....
or the old calvin and hobbs.......
and leave those posted about...
WS seek false joy and laughter....
bring them back to real laughter.....

plan a'rs need to learn to babble back to the insanity that Ws say..and give the babble no leverage or "to die for importance"....

plan a'rs need a time limit of doing plan a with a concrete plan when to go to plan b..
the better the plan b..the better the reality of the consequances of plan b...

make plans to things the wS likes to do..
baseball games..
movies
etc..
and when they dont' want to go..
still go and do them..
be up up up up beat...

draw them to you and your home like a moth to a flame...

work on yourself
find an outside interest that gives you some relief ..

expect nothing nothing nothing from the Ws within a limited time period and free yourself in to the ability to give and do for your spouse better than you ever had....

WS are not used to getting thing with no strings attached....
it will confuse and baffle them...but when they try to use the old "your pressuring me excuse"..it will fall on their empty ears..cause they know that has not been the case..

take them a coffee expresso piled high with whip cream...at work or bring it home to them...and leave it for them..
don't badger them to thank you
don't badger them to tell you how much they liked it..
lay it at their feet and walk away whistling...
find the joy in the act of giving and doing and not in the receptiveness....

hard hard hard hard it is......
but set the time frame and go for it....
anyone can do anything for six weeks..
(except ATKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

and pray for Gods Grace to enter your heart and home...
pray for serenity...
make you house the home where you and the kids and WS would want to be....


become strong...
become confident
become engaging and charming...

realize that YOU the BS are not lovable or desirable..based on your spouses giving or taking of love...
that you stand alone in this world..
lovabe and desirable...inspite of your spouses...


that's why plan A is all about each and every encounter and glimpse in to you and your home life being as engaging and attractive.....


plan a is all about doing what you can to end an affair....
plan a is built on the presumption that they are in contact...
that's why your contact needs to be better and with more value and depth....

this does not mean that you don't set boundaries on what you will tolerate in your life..

you will not "babysit" the kids so she can go with the OP...

you don't condone any contact..
but you don't powerstruggle it either...


if you think your spouse is going to go out with op don't make it easy for them..don't watch the kids...make plans first...and leave him or her with the kids...etc

hope this helps some..
ark”


Tony


BH 44
WW 40
2KIDS DD 6, DS 7
MARRIED 13 YRS.
STORY THREAD http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...fpart=1&vc=
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Hey guys and thanks for being patient. I know, I need to slow down for a minute. This is all very fresh and new. I have read the posts that Mulan suggested, I have ordered the book and I have thouroughly read about Love Busters, Plan A and Plan B. I guess I am in a little bit of a predicament b/c my H is only going to be home for 12 days before he goes back. I am trying to arm myself w/ as much info as I can so I don't PANIC and FREAK when he gets home and I find out more info. Knowledge is power. What is the best course of action using Plan A when he is only home for that short amount of time? Or is it even an option?


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."
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plan a is a way of life....not an option.


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Quote:

Orchid:

what are your thoughts after reading her other thread:

HUSBAND'S EMOTIONAL AFFAIR...




Mimi,

I read this one 1st and then the other one. I have already responded to her other thread. Still have the same input.

L.

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The first positive sign in this whole situation is that your H confessed. Being overseas, he could have easily denied, denied, denied.

My EX denied, even after I had solid evidence she had an affair.

At least your H is human being enough to admit he screwed up.

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thanks..i appreciate that....and i am sorry that you are going thru it....it sucks


God Bless A "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it."

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