Im interested to know what others have experienced when telling the parents or in laws about an affair ? Do you think its good to do it or does it harm the relationship between everyone? My dad and my husband are close, so I hesitate to tell anything and his parents probably wouldnt belive me.

Yes, affairs always harm relationships, but often telling close family members is the very thing that kills tha affair. The affairee should not be protected from exposure an active affair. Family members are also effected by adultery and they can be instrumental in helping to kill the affair and apply pressure on the WS to end it.

If your H is close to your dad and the affair is active, then you would want to place your Dad close to the top of your exposure list.

In my case, my mother and my sister were furious at my H and wanted nothing to do with him at first. So he had to apologize to my family and assure them he wouldn't hurt me anymore. They all get along very well now.

Corlea - I do not know your situation. The reason for exposure is to end the affair. If you telling your dad will put pressure on your wh to end it, then tell him. If your in-laws would put pressure on your wh to end the affair, then find the proof and show it to them, and expose. The light of day will end the affair. If the OW is married, then tell her H. Expose to the people most likely to put pressure on the affair.

A marraige can only begin to heal when the affair is over. If the affair is ongoing, the marriage will not begin to heal.

Be prepared - your H will be mad as a hornet when the pressure is on. A marriage can recover from anger. A marriage can not begin to recover during an active affair.

far

I exposed to MIL very early on and it was quite effective. I never exposed to FIL because the A was already gasping its last breaths by that time and I had no ability to contact FIL prior to that. But if I need to (i.e. A resumes), I certainly won't hesitate. Nobody but nobody matters except the M. If anybody is affected (and they are), it is collateral damage caused by the A - not the exposure. I would tell CNN if it would stop the A. If you are a BS, don't hesitate to expose to anybody if needed to help kill the A. Nothing is sacred except the marriage.

I think you said that your father was very close to your husband. You probably need to tell him what is going on.

Often parents of the wandering spouse are not that supportive, but I think it is good to tell them too.

My parents have been incredibly supportive, as have my in-laws, since they found out about WH's A. However, I know my mum has lost countless nights' sleep worrying about our situation. I deliberately didn't tell her for about 4months because I knew she would take it so badly. I live far away from my parents, so I waited until I was with them so they could see I was ok. Mum has heart problems and is very depressed and it was hard to burden her with more worries.

I looked at my own 3 daughters and knew that if the same thing happened to one of them, I would want to know and would try to support them as much as possible.

My in-laws did not give WH any support whatsoever. They made it clear OW was not welcome to stay at their house and they wanted nothing to do with his new seedy life. So for two years, they hardly spoke. I still found myself feeling quite strange though, the first time I visited them without my WH, even though they made me feel completely at home.

I think you should tell them. TT

Corlea1,

If you know your in-laws well you will likely know their response to news of the A.

What have they done with other news of serious adversity in their children’s lives. Are they enablers? Are they strong people?

I exposed to my MIL within a couple of days of finding out about the A and it worked out for me. I believe that she already had some idea that something was going on but didn’t realize that her daughter’s indiscretions were of the sexual nature until I told her.

Her response to me “either decision that you choose here is understandable; you can choose to work on this with her or you can send her home, either way I understand your decision”.

She came across as completely disgusted and disappointed.

She was primarily worried about our children! In hind sight this was stoically prudent of my MIL. I really admire her BTW, she has her issues but she is a fine woman and has given me a lot of advice in the past that was pretty much dead on.

I have read many instances however, where the MIL/FIL turns completely against the BS and supports the WS. I would be willing to put money down that you would see a pattern of protective enablement in those parents that support ANY evil in their child rather than forcing them through the machine of self examination to do the right things in life.

I never did tell my FIL but he found out eventually when we hit rock bottom as a couple. Predictably, he was devastated by this news. I would have expected that also by the measure of his dignity and wisdom. He’s a fantastic person also.

I believe that Harley advocates exposure to anyone that could influence the WS’s future actions for the betterment of the M. If your in-laws have a history of supporting other reckless behavior in your WS I would think it through really well.

Good luck.

My inlaws were told about my EXs affair......they didnt believe me. They said they knew their daughter and there was noway she would have an affair.

Well, we ended up divorced because of this affair......my EX introduced her (married b/f, OM) shortly there after, THEN they believed me. They had a talk (fight really) about her seeing him. That did two things JACK ISHT! She continued to see her (married b/f OM) for 4yrs, and it finally ended not long ago.

So, I guess you can tell your inlaws.....it may help, and it may not. *shrugs*

My parents have absolutely no positive influence on my husband. They don't really care for him. In my situation, I have not told them anything about EA or the porn addiction, because not only would they NOT help in a positive way, they would not be able to see Kasey's process of change, so they could not heal from the marital misconduct like I could.

So my rule of thumb in involving the parents would be that if there is a relationship there that can exert influence to change the wayward behavior, then involve them; if not, then don't.

Another reason to tell parents is for moral support. In my case, I needed my mother's support.

We chose not to tell our parents. Our two families share a tragic infidelity history, so we thought it was best, or I guess at least my H did to not tell them.

I sort of fear them not knowing, fear them hearing it at some point from somebody else. The A had stopped, so exposure wasn't a factor.

I believe if the A is on going, then the parents should be told if they are an important figure in your life, that is what exposure is, telling the influential people around you.

My WH's mother knows, and actually welcomed he and his mistres into her home for lunch. Disgusting that she calls herself my kids grandmother, and could disrespect them like that!!!

So I guess it didn't work for me.

She never liked me anyway!!!

I told my parents, and made my ex tell his, when he was leaving.

My ILs were shocked and amazed, but they never said a word against the affair, although my MIL did pass on all the relative details about the damage done to the kids to her son (suicide threats, the need for counselling, nightmares etc).

But they welcomed the OW into their home a week after my ex left.

Now they complain that the OW is 'far too confident' and has a 'rhino-skin' personality. Well, they've never given her any reason not to be confident!

Alph.

Cat, Alphin

Most IL's respond as yours did (mine IL's responded this way too). They will at best tell you that they hope that the M works out but they will not hold their WH/WW daughter/son accountable, nor will they rock the boat so to speak. Worst case they will help the wayward re-write history and support financially and otherwise they stupid rationalizations including ignoring the damage to the children and even inviting and encouraging the OP be more active in WW/WH's lives and the lives of their grandchildren.

For what it's worth, my mom and dad would have told me to hit the road and not come back until I had my head extracted from my azz best case. And, worst case it could have even gotten physical if I had involved the OP in their grandchildren's lives (my dad would have smacked me around a little, me thinks).

This also points to how people are raised, held accountable or enabled, challenged or appeased, and so on and probably help lead to Ex WW's affair (fostering entitlement, appeasement, selfishness, avoidance and more).

Hope,

Totally agree.
If I was the one having the A, my parents would NEVER welcome the OP into their home or encourange my infidelity. They respect their grandkids too much to allow that. They would tell me the same thing. Come back when your head is extracted.

WH wasn't brought up like me, that's for sure. His mother cheated on his father so I hear, so I guess the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree huh?