I have been married for almost 6 years to, who I think, is a wonderful man. I married him already knowing he had a son(son was about 3 at the time). I guess, when we got married I didn't realize I would be an instant mom. His real mom is still in the picture. When we were dating I would see his son occasionally. After we got married he and his "ex" made an agreement that they would split there time with him in half. One parent half the week and the other parent the second half. You see, they never went to court for custody. They were never married. Everything they do is done in verbal agreement.

My husband's "ex" was married the same year we were, to my husband's second cousin. Just before they were married my step-son was spanked by this man bad enough that he left marks on his bottom. We were all working parents, at the time, so my step-son was in daycare. They kept him out hoping that the marks would fade before the following Monday. Well, they didn't and CPS was called on him immediately. My huband's "ex" called him the night it happened and his cousin apologized profously. They (my husband's ex and cousin) had to see a counselor. We were called to a couple of the meetings. She counseled that we shouldn't have him jumping back and forth from house to house because it'll confuse him. She told us that he needs stability.

Well, his schedule is constantly changing. As soon as he turned 8 they let him make a choice of where to live. He chose to live with his father and I. After a year his mom missed him too much and convinced him to live with her this year. You see, things in our marriage were never great in terms of my step-son. In fact, it's been tearing us further and further apart.

I have had resentful feelings for my step-son because my husband spends what time he has with him only with him. Since we've been married my husband has always worked extra jobs. Not because we needed the income but because we wanted it. It became such a habit that we began to rely on it. I worked for the first three years of our marriage and now I don't. I am a SAHM with my 18 mos old son.

My husband finally revealed to me that he feels sorry for his son and that he knows he shouldn't. It's putting a wedge between us. He doesn't like how I handle situations with my step-son and I don't like how easy he is on him. I'm in the "mixed family" category. My husband doesn't treat our 18 mos old the way I would like him too. It's like he has his favorite and I have mine.

Whenever my step-son is over, I am automatically tense. I yell a lot, lose my temper over the stupidist things, anal. I know how I am with him and I see myself doing these things, but then I get really angry at my husband for not backing me up. When it comes down to it I am and will alway's be "the bad guy" with him.

To make matters worse, my husband had an affair. Only once and with one woman. I was out of town when it happened. When I returned home he told me what happened. We seeked counseling, as soon as possible, from people from our church. We were told to read "His Needs Her Needs". Boy, there is so much to say.

This is only a portion of what's been going on. Our marriage has been on the verge of divorce for a long time and I don't want it to happen. I need some advice from someone who knows what I'm going through. Please help!

DMCM,

Yours is a common problem.

I suggest you and your H get some family counselling on dealing with step families.

Remember...you are the adults and the boy is a child...he needs you to provide a stable, warm, loving environment. The harsher you are on him, the more your H wants to protect him. Get your act together. Make some rules and consequences for not obeying rules...then enforce them consistently. This will provide stability.

What's wrong with your H feeling sorry for his son? The poor boy is caught between two families and has no "safe" comfortable place to be. Don't wait until he's a teen to relsove this, by then it will be (just about) too late.

ps
My husband adopted my daughter from a previous relationship. We went through similar stuff, but overcame much of it. DD18 is a mature, stable, loving, and responsible young adult now. It wasn't always easy.

We have both talked about family counseling. We have counseled with someone from our church who suggested we get both marriage counseling and parent counseling.

I do have rules and consequences, but if I'm the only one enforcing them then I'll always look like the bad guy. I've tried turning things over to my husband, but if he doesn't agree with me he won't do it.

The problem with him feeling sorry for his son is that he spoils him. He treats him differently than our 19mos old. He's more like a big brother to him instead of a father because of the fact that he feels sorry for him. Instead of backing me up on certain issues he'll side with his son.

I feel sorry for him too, but I don't want him to think that he should be treated differently than our other child. He'll take that to his own advantage. He's actually already started that.

My husband and I both treat our 19 mos old the same. We both parent him the same and pretty much agree on how to raise him. It's completley different with my step-son.

I know it's not always going to be easy and I know that I'm the adult, but how do you raise someone else's child if they don't back you up because they feel "sorry" for their child's situation?