Hello everybody,

Some of you know my story at this point. I am the crazy BH who is going to buy a larger home with his WW. On the night we as a family met with our realtor to sign the bid offer, my WW left early to put the kids to bed. I later found that she sent this email to the OM while she had some alone time, and the OM responded later the next day. At first my heart sunk when I saw the existence of the email, but after reading it I can't tell if I should be encouraged or not. It looks like there's not too much between WW and OM, but it also sounds like I have a real worry on my hands about OM being WW's confidant throughout this. On the bright side, it sounds like my efforts at being a better H are indeed getting through to my WW, even though she would never let me know these things directly.

Anyway, here are the emails. The names are edited out of course. Please let me know if you think either I'm on the right track to R or if I should be very alarmed that the emails even happened, and that this damned OM is oh so willing "to support" my W (wow he's lucky I have kids to think about).

Thanks,

TomFool
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from <WW> Nov 14 (5 days ago)
to <OM>
date Nov 14, 2006 9:18 PM
subject hi
mailed-by gmail.com

how are you?

for me, i think i go from being numb most of time to depressed to the bottomless pit.

<H> and i started counseling. the positive is the impact it had on <H>. he's almost like a new man - a real, grown-up man, full of strength, courage and unfaltering conviction in his beliefs, about himself, what he wants, about me, about what he will achieve. it's almost amazing -- he is more thoughtful, attentive, and considerate than he has ever been. previously, he made me feel that i was his mother or that i was the adult -- with 2 little children it was too much -- i needed a husband. he says he understands his duty now -- that he needs to put me and the children above all things and that he needs to protect us. he says he's sorry he did not do it before and that he was just a stupid child stuck at 20 y.o., not growing past it and defining for himself what it is to be a man, a husband, father and etc. i do see the change that's come over him. i'm very proud of him. but then i've always been proud of how able and capable he is.

he'll give counseling/earning my love for 6 months and according, to the couselor he should not continue beyond that without significant changes with me.

wish me luck.
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from <OM> Nov 15 (3 days ago)
to <WW>
date Nov 15, 2006 2:33 PM
subject Re: hi
mailed-by yahoo.com

Hi <WW>. I'm so glad to hear from you. I've been thinking of you and hoping that everything was okay. I know it must be hard on you to go through all this and be starting a new job at the same time.

It's good that you guys are going to counseling and that it's been having a positive impact on <H>. I hope that you're finding it to be therapeutic as well.

Remember that tough times don't last but tough people do. I know that you're a very strong person and can get through this difficult period. Things will get better.

I do wish you all the luck in the world. Know that I am always here to support you in any way that I can so don't hesitate to call or e-mail.

<OM>

I think it was good on you WW side, but it shouldn't have happened. On his side he is conceding the battle but I don't think the war is far from over... You need to work on removing your WW option to as the OM says.."Know that I am always here to support you in any way that I can so don't hesitate to call or e-mail."

He is keeping a few hooks in the sea to see if he can re-capture your WW

Tom...

I wouldn't worry as much about what is in the emails as I would about the fact that your WW is NOT being open and honest with you...She is NOT transparent...I would let her know that you KNOW that contact has NOT ended...You don't tell her how you know, you just look her in the eye and say you KNOW...You don't have to prove something to her that she already knows...

Also, understand that regardless of what happens during contact, it is still contact and therefore your WW is still getting her OM fix...Even if she and OM were cursing each other out it would still be bad, as there would still be a relationship there...One that she is hiding from you...

Without NC, she will not withdraw from OM, and without withdrawal, there can be no recovery...

Mrs. W

And, please don't buy that house.

Do not but this home. Your wife is breaking no contact and not telling you about it. She is staying in contact with her lover who disrespected and humiliated your marriage. What will happen in the future when things go bad (they always do) and she contacts her lover as a means of support.

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be O.K. with you continuing contact with your former lover behind your back? This is totally unacceptable. I think you will be very sorry buying a home while your WW wife continues secret contact with her lover. It seems pretty obvious doesn't it?

IF and I emphasize IF your WW is unaware that you intercept her emails, I would say that you have indeed made her take notice. Now do it for the next six months.

Now if she is aware that you are intercepting (or your OM's W is), this smells like a setup.

PS Do NOT buy that house

PPS. Do not buy that house.

Something bothers me. The obvious thing is that of all the people she feels comfortbale confiding in, it is OM. Can't talk to the MC. No. Everything she tells everyone else is a lie because she always has OM in her back pocket to really confide in. He is the only one she feels comfortable sharing all with.

For his part, OM is just waiting for things to fall apart. He maintains his position as confidant. He knows all the secrets and the "real" truth. Violation of intimacy was the worst part of my WW's EA. This email exchange shows me where her intimacy remains. OM is in the ideal situation to keep filling her with doubt. He can spin anything his way any time her chooses and WW will believe it without question.

The text of the emails looks positive. But the fact that there is still contact shows that there is a snake in the grass that can bite you at will.

Surprisingly the content of the communication is not so relevant as the existence of it.

Two years ago I ran a stellar, textbook-perfect plan A / withdrawal-handling period. Renewed contact between the affair partners started with "I can't believe how badly I've screwed up my life" and "We need to say goodbye". My wife thanked me repeatedly for my graceful and compassionate handling of the situation. Nonetheless the sporadic contact eventually metastasized into a real-life horror show culminating in a pair of ugly divorces, one of which continues to be a nasty custody war.

Remember the U.S. Presidential campaign strategy from 1992?

It's the contact, stupid.

GC

You need to confront her and contact the OM and tell him to stop contacting your W. Throw a lawyer with a cease and desist at him. Threaten to sue him for maintaining contact and sabotaging your marriage.

Sounds extreme, but it works. Your W will be furious, of course. I would start with a call to him first and then escalate from there.

You must confront and expose, though.

GL

OM's response to your WW just fed her fuel for how great a guy he is. He's here trying to help me even though I am trying to make things work with BH. Isn't he great.

NO. He is a lying cheating, homewrecker. He is telling her this to make him look like a knight in shining armor. If she reconciles with you then onto the next damsel in distress to have an affair and if you have any lapses that she can judge you on then here he is sitting and looking like a great guy who just wants her to be happy (i.e. - continue to get into her pants when he wants to).

Stop the contact NOW!!!!! Discuss this in MC. And for God's sake do not buy that home....

Ask your WW if she's been in contact with the OM. If she replies no, then you should definitely not buy the home. If she asks why you chose not to buy it, you could respond that you love her, but you do not feel comfortable making a long-term investment with someone who chooses to be dishonest with you.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I did pretty much what ManInMotion advised. I tried desparately to get her to admit the C without revealing how I knew for a fact that there had been C, and just agree to a policy of NC going forward. She continued to lie to my face. Then yesterday I intercepted a "seasons greetings" email from OM to WW. I was actually checking my Treo while we were in the middle of a foundation inspection on the house. Well, it finally got through to me that I can not buy this house until I have a written letter of NC. My WW refuses to do this, and gets INCREDIBLY angry (I am going to post some details of this rage in a separate post) when I insist upon it.

I'm holding my ground. Until she can stop contact and be honest with me, then no house. We may lose our 10K deposit, but I brought that on myself.

TomFool