Blondblossom,

Why have you not called the phone company and put a stop to the calls once and for all? I don`t get it.

It`s pretty obvious why you have not fully recovered. You and your H are still allowing her access to your family.

Hang ups. Gheez. Call your phone company, asking them to turn on your trace. What happens is when you get a hang up call, or a harrassing phone call, you hit *53 or some such combination of numbers. It tags that phone number with the phone company on THEIR records. It is the foundation for harassment. Remember, they can tell who starts a call and who ends a call.

I would think, that if you ended the hang ups, it would help you SOME. But guess what, you do have to choose, all the time, to keep on forgiving. At 6 years, you know this, but I think you thought it would change down the road. I don't think it does, I think the further down the road you get, you just don't have to think about that choice as frequently. I think the hang ups are constantly reminding you and raising your alarms.

QUESTION: Are you the only one who gets a hang up call? Or, does your husband also turn to you occasionally and say it was a hang up? If you both aren't getting them, guess what...CONTACT. Think about that one.

-hang in there

[quote] JustKeepGoin

It seems as if you have, for the most part, eliminated an ongoing A.
are you saying that you believe that the affair was going on the whole time???

My husband swears that there was NO contact throughout the first 3 years.........xOW intiated contact when OWH threw her out of the house and filled for divorce.


All I'm saying is since he didn't maintain strict NC. Why?

He has got to maintain strict NC and Total Honesty with you. PERIOD!!!!!!!

You shouldn't have to pull it out his nose!!!!!!!!!

Dear BB,

My WH had multiple affairs. After the first one he said he would never, ever hurt me again like that. Which of course, turned out to be a lie. The last PA he had he did much like your H did, lied and made it seem like I was paranoid. After d-day one and supposed NC, I would get calls at work and calls on my cell. OW knew my cell # as I called her several times, she never would p.u. The hang-ups were so bad that my sons were angry and would scream into the phone at her. I had to change my phone no., still the OW convinced my WH it was I calling her and she had the call logs to prove it. WH still to this day doesn't believe it was OW calling me, she just isn't that type. My sons know the truth, I know the truth. I didn't prosecute as I didn't want the embarassment, there have been times that I wish I had to "prove" to WH that it was her, but now I don't have that need, it is just another disappointment for me that WH thinks the way he does.

During the year after d-day when there was continued contact, I had always tried to believe WH when he spun his lies. Until the gut factor kicked in and I finally but spyware on the computer and had the proof. I too am disappointed that most things I know are things I found out on my own, WH never admitted to them unless faced with the truth. Therein lies the problem, only getting the truth from WH when you know it first. When you have been lied to to the point that you question yourself, find out that it isn't you, and then are lied to again, there is a part of you that will never believe the WS again, self-preservation on the BS's part.

I may be in the minority here but I disagree that if the conditions were right anyone could have an affair. First and foremost you must be the type of person that will lie and deceive. This, IMHO, is not everyone. Some deceive much more than others, not only to the BS, but to their kids, friends, family. I cannot deceive myself and my beliefs, this is why I will not ever, ever, have an A. This goes beyond whether or not I am tempted, want my WH to feel what I did, or don't want him to so I protect him. This goes beyond the hurt, beyond feelings. It is the core of who we are. When you have a spouse with a different set of core beliefs, then you don't feel safe.

I can't presume to know how you feel BB, but this is how I feel. And I might add my WH has not been that great with recovery, it sounds like yours is much better and is willing to help you. I wish the best for you.

We contacted the phone company and our phone was being controlled. Sorry, I forgot the word for that. Anyways, the calls that were hang-up calls could never get tracked, probably because they were coming from our next door country. (France)
I have to mention that we live in Europe and the laws and possibilities are abit different.

I am the only one getting Hang-up calls........yes because I'm the one that is home all day. We have our own business and my husbands cellphone has an unregistered number. The xOW only knows my husbands "old" cellphone number...........this is why she once made the mistake and called and I answered because I have my husbands "old" cellphone number.

The hang-up calls occured sometimes even when my husband was home. We both didn't even hear them at times because we were in bed sleeping.............. At home, I'm the one that usually answers the phone.

The affair is not going on, that's for sure......That I know definately.

If you both aren't getting them, guess what...CONTACT. Think about that one.

This doesn't have to be true. Think about the following: Some xOW will do anything to destroy what they couldn't get. My husband made it very clear to her that he wanted to be left alone. He made it very clear that he loves me and made a mistake.
What would the xOW achieve if she phoned my husband and would hang up??? I don't think that she would achieve anything. On the other side if she's calling our home when she knows that I'm there...........she can be pretty sure that she will get me "twirling". I believe that it's well known that a BS will go NUTS within time.......they will not know what to believe.
You have to remember...........the xOW doesn't know my husband very well. She only knows the "fogged up" version of him. I really don't care what she thinks when she does this...........she's simply "throwing her $$$ out".

The hang up calls hardly happen anymore, so this really isn't much of a problem for me anymore. It's just a quick thought and over.

We can't change our number either because it's our busines number.
bb

[quote][quote] JustKeepGoin

It seems as if you have, for the most part, eliminated an ongoing A.
are you saying that you believe that the affair was going on the whole time???

My husband swears that there was NO contact throughout the first 3 years.........xOW intiated contact when OWH threw her out of the house and filled for divorce.


All I'm saying is since he didn't maintain strict NC. Why?

This is the question of all questions for me.....WHY???

And this might be the cause for my Thread altogether. He lied to me once when the actual affair occured.........I truely forgave him.

But I CANNOT forgive this one...........but as I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm going to concentrate on "ME" and I'm going to take care of "me" right now.............I need that.

bb

Example:

H: I want or need to have (said with an attitude)....you can't stop me....

W: That does not sound like a family member we need to live with. That type of attitude is not welcomed in our home. You've got a choice:
a. take it outside and go be with those who live like that or....
b. apologize to us and try to make your point again.

Does it sound like I am treating him like a child? Yes it does because it is. Yet he is an adult so the options and how I handle it change a bit but still have to address the issue.

Remember it may not be a wrong request it is the delivery. At first my H used to focus on the request he was making and saying how unreasonable I was being. I redirected him by putting him my our position of hearing himself so he could see that I was not necessarily for or against his request but firmly against his delivery of it. He eventually got it. Took a while. He has spent the night in his truck, so he knows what that is like. When he did that, I did not grovel after him. I locked up our home and went safely to bed. Those episodes don't happen that much anymore but if it should, I know my plan.

On the other side, if I ever get that stupid, my family knows what to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.