hello all... new here.... and really just need a place to vent and maybe get some advice.

Recently within the last two months i recieved a phone call from a friend letting me know that i should check my wifes emails that something is not right. Both of us work for the same ministry and have work emails. Currently my wife works partially from home on a lap top and the rest of the time at her normal work place.
Upon coming home that night i asked my wife to sit down with me and to sign on her computer and check her emails.
To make a very long story a little bit shorter there were tons of emails from one particular guym, one of her co-workers.
i know a usual story right. Well some were work oriented and some were not... as i checked them in front of her i immediately knew just by the shocked deer in the headlights look that something was not right.

lots of sexual stuff.. and even more of sexual flirting. I had never heard of this guy before and it turns out some of the saved emails were from 2 years ago.

Bear with me here a long story. Of course she denied anywrong doing whats so ever and then i was able to pull some old messages up that were graphic and she had no choice to fess up to them.
this went on and on... what she doesnt know even to this date is i was able to pull more up.... nothing to riske.. but lots of conversations back and forth all sexual flirty stuff.
him sending email roses etc to her.. and comments on her appearance etc.
i was pretty calm and further inquired as to what all this was about.. she denied anywrongdoing...
thru the arguement i found out she admitted to having breakfast with him...

thru the multiple arguements since it turns out she has been lying to me about tons of things both minor and major.

our sex life in the last while has basically been non existent (go figure for about the last two years)
i get tons of hangups on the phone here at home...
there is tons more going on from the emails i have recoved but she admits to nothing more than what i previously showed her.

as it turns out she is pretty much a basket case... she has always been the type that would not let me into her inner world so to speak....and apparently for good reason...
she has admitted to some poor choices in the past before i came into the scene.

we have been married for some 11 years with two kids and been together for maybe 15 years...
i am one of those guys that is happiest at home doing something or nothing just with the family...
i am a simpleton at heart i dont want the bars partys etc...
just my family and the simple life

more importantly i really and truly never figured her for any of this and totally caught off guard.

i have not confided to anyone any of this.. this is a first...
my wife is now seeing a counsellor and i attended one meeting and ended up leaving early because i felt she was not telling the counsellor the truth and therefore how would the counsellor be able to help her out.

i really dont know if she did anything physical or not...but if not i believe it was close for sure.. (going to happen soon)

the lying part has really become a sticking point with me and i really cant stand that about her...she cant tell the truth about anything...its a struggle for her to tell me the simpliest things...

there is tons more .. but i dont want to bore all of you...
but the bottom line is i just wonder if i am being a sucker and believing her. I dont want to be a supercop and investigate her every move not my style and not apprapriate i think.. but how do i find out the whole truth...

i still feel like she is holding tons back from me...
she has not really spoke to me about any of it except to say she doesnt know why she did it....(for that matter i really dont know how far things went)

the biggest problem is i really do love her and made my committments on our wedding day and feel i have to follow thru on them as well as for the kids sake.

am i naive....or should i inquire more...its just one arguement after another right now...she just wants to forget the whole thing and not talk about it at all....

i just dont know what to think or do....
thanks for listening

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck......IT A FRIGGEN DUCK!!!!

She was having an affair plain and simple......and more than likely is continuing to do so.

teds1,

So sorry that you have to be here, particularly as a BS. You can thank God for having found this site early on tho, because no matter what the outcome, it will help you, even if your marriage does not recover.

First, read everything you can here. There are several great posts on the Just found out forum that give you great advice as to what you should and should not be doing.

You should also order Surviving An Affair by the Harleys. I agree completely with StartinOver that your wife has been engaging in an Affair and it has probably been a physical one as well. She is probably still involved with OM.

Believe what you read here about FOG, and WS being like aliens. It is all true. As far as lying, the old saying here is How can you tell a WS is lying> Because their lips are moving.

As you can tell from my signature, I have been here awhile. I didn't discover my FWH's A until after it ended. It consisted of an 8-month PA and an EA that probably lasted 18 months before things turned physical. I didn't discover Marriagebuilders until 15 months past d-day and had only experienced marginal success in recovering.

I can give you some hope, many of us do survive this, but I can also caution you that the road is rough and long. In the end, even when you are recovered, you will have a different marriage than before.

Good luck to you.

Who

I glad to hear that the lying is bugging you. My relationship with ex has been over for 6 months. She has what is called personality issues. But the lying hurt me the most. Compulsive lying is an personality disorder. My ex couldn't tell the truth if she wanted too. When returning to Therapy you need to address this! Lying will kill a relationship just as fast as a EA.

yes i really feel like a fool. Most of all i just want the whole truth and nothing but the truth regardless but she just wont open up and tell me.
am i stupid (well thats obvious) in believing some of what she is telling me or is that normal.

she also claims she has never talked to him on the phone, except at work. Its sort of like she is leading a double life.

as far as reading posts here.... my eyes are burning i am reading so much very informative..

i told her you cant have your cake and eat it too

i was reading some of the excuses used in other posts.. and its word for word in my situation
especially its about me and not you.. what a joke couldnt be further from the truth

everytime i bring any of it up she just freaks or something and totally ends up in chaos...
its starting to feel like i am the bad guy here... makes no sense to me at all..

Sounds like she is hiding something from you. If it wasn’t true she would just claim down and explain why this isn’t so. But, if she is getting mad at you it may be because you touch a nerve. Making you sound like the bad guy, throws you off balance and gives her time to think. I would start keeping my eyes wide open. Maybe start writing things down on paper. Getting your fact straight. Then when you bring this up again. The journal will help keep you on track. A lot of what you are saying matches what happen will my ex. But I saw it yes, I choose to do nothing, Why? I was just sick of my relationship with her and didn't care enough to want to save it. It happen just one to many times. And I just wanted to quit. I knew I could never fix what was wrong with us. I tried for 17 years and just wanted it (the pain, mistrust, scrutinizing what she might do next, the lying, putting me down and yelling at the children all the time; god the list go on and on). I wanted my pain to stop!!

Thanks Whome for your encouragement. To know there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's been 6 months for me now and I know that I am getting better each day! But thanks again!

teds1 I can see you are very stressed out! Something must be going on making you so stress. You both need to talk this out. Go someplace be to alone with each other and tell her why you feel the way that you do! If she loves you, she should show some kind of compassion or empathy. If she doesn't then something is WRONG!!!! I tried this with my ex and it helped. But I remember now how cold she was with me. But for some reason allow me to work on our relationship. You see if you are the one always working on the relationship and she is the one just taking, then I believe it's destine to fail in the end. So in the end it still went bad for us. She never tried to work things out. Never tried to change, I would have to change, but not her! It was always my fault! God, I remember how much time I wasted on this relationship. I wished that she would have left my children and I sooner! Time is something we never get back!
I do hope and pray that your relationship can work!

teds1, you got luckly that you found this site. I wish I did because I know how much it would have help me! Nothing could have safe my relationship with my ex, But I believe that this site would have help me understand more about myself. Please keep checking back with us. I know that these posters just want to help, because I know I do!

The lying has to be addressed. You cant move forward w/a liar.

Sorry you have to be here.

The best thing you can do with a liar, is to call them on it, and walk away. Leave them standing there holding the bag.

You have be confident in your knowlege (even if you aren't) and tell them you know the truth and only when she is willing to talk O&H, does your M have a chance.

Good luck to you! You've found the right place to restore your M and more importantly, yourself.

She is still lying to you. If the OM is married or has a girlfriend then you need to contact them. She also must go no contact with this OM. If the roles were reversed I doubt she would put up with this. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

you want the truth, go to spector.com and get it. feel like a fool? not after this. She's mad because she's guilty. liars get busted with spector, cold hard facts. So much for "Christians."

thanks all...trust me i need to hear that i am not going crazy here..
the om is married apparently and a friend of one of my immediate co-workers. He works on a specialized team and the whole team are scumbags. i know of them well.

this is a stupid statement but its the way i feel i dont feel right snooping on her...just not my way.. i know she probably relies on this.
If it was not for the kids i probably would have walked by now because i feel like i am still not hearing the whole truth.
of course she denies anything else etc.. and further just gets furious at me when i bring the whole thing up... she just wants to forget the whole saying really it was nothing.

am i stupid or is my gut out of sorts... i feel like my 6th sense keeps telling me something is wrong.

also i have kept everything secret should i let it out...also how do i find anything out without asking people.
there is no way i can install any keyloggers on her work computer anyway. the whole spying thing just aint me.. (maybe i am going to have to change)
i just want to know the whole truth and not feel like a sucker
i feel like she is very calculating,, i just dont get it...
not at all what i was prepared for..

Teds,

I would print out the most graphic emails and personally deliver it to the OM's wife. The chances are good that he will confess and/or you will get more information from his wife. You are making a huge mistake by not exposing this. She is lying to you.

thanks bryanpp but i cant do that i dont have access to her computer and she deleted a ton of stuff before i got to check them with her.

she was constantly opening and closing her email as i walked into and out of the room. She would sign off and not leave the computer on every time she left for even a minute.
i would love to conact the om wife do you think that would be prudent. i cant meet in person but perhaps i can call her.
i have really had enough of all this and she keeps saying she has told me everything over and over swearing on the kids lifes etc.
she currently works with her boss at our house a couple of times at week i have known him for a long time and he is a stand up guy. i was considering asking him what he knew.. what do you guys think about that.. i dont want to jeopardize her job in any way though..
like i said before i just dont know what to think

Hello again,

I do not think that she would confide in her boss unless the boss was the OM. Her actions on the computer shows she was hiding things from you and was very very worried that you would find out. It really sounds like and her actions indicate that there is much more to the story which I think you gut is telling you anyway.

It is certainly appropriate to contact the OM's wife by phone. You talk to her calmly and tell her all you know and that you would be happy to send her by mail or fax the emails that you have indicating the affair. It is very important that you do this. It will kill the affair once and for all and will most probably provide you with additonal information about the affair after his wife confronts him. You may wish to stay in touch with the OM's wife for additonal information.

What you wife is now doing is called spin control. If you have been on this site you will see stories about how the cheating spouse swears on bibles, their children's life, their parents life, ect and so often that they were still lying. The creed of a cheater is to deny, deny and deny unless caught with total proof. Do not fall for this. I wish you luck.

Well, to start with your Spouse is showing all of the "classical" signs of an extra-marital affair.

It this point it may be an EA. But my gut tells me that it is already a PA. Don't be surprised / blindsided by this. Steel yourself to be able to handle this news. An EA is usually just waiting for the right opportunity to become a PA.

You may have already noticed she is becoming more and more critical of you. This is very typical WS behavior. It goes along the line of "a good defense is a strong offence". This is typically a method the WS's use to alleviate their guilt.

Something else that you may notice very soon is the rewriting of "Marital History". As an example, take any generic good marital memory that you have. Imagine any way in which it could be twisted to make the WS the "victim" and you the brutish "abuser". This is also a typical method the WS uses to alleviate their guilt.

My first order of business would be to find out what is REALLY going on. Do NOT expect the WS to give you the "truth". WS's lie... a lot... and they are very good at it.

Your WW will likly not admit to anything more without overwhelming evidence.

Get over the feeling that you shouldn't have to closly watch / confirm what your WW says / does. Right now it is likely the only way your will get to the truth.

Check out the link below: it will help you to really discover what is going on. And remember what I said about steeling yourself for what you might discover.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1


Read as much as you can on this website. There is a lot of good info available. Much of it seems counter intuitave but IT DOES WORK!

Start off with the info on Plan A.

If you have questions / concerns / need to vent. Come back and post.

Stay strong.

Hi,
Sorry you are here under these circumstances, but there are good people here who can help you.

What do you mean you do not have access to her computer?, do you have access to the one at home? Is that the one she deleted stuff from? "Walking the Field" gave me instructions (registry hack) for recovering deleted e-mails from a computer that uses outlook express.

You can most likely recover deleted messages from her computer. Is it that you do not have the password? There are people here who can help you with all of that.

It is quite simple: Your wife is in an affair fog. Even if it was an EA and not a PA and even if she has actually quit the EA, she is still in an affair fog.

You need to know what is and has been going on. You need to protect yourself and your marriage. You have to know the facts.

Your wife is not going to tell you the facts. My FWH could not tell me the facts of his EA upon my discovery of it. He was still in a fog (It only took a few minutes out of my day, it was just FUN, it was just something for me).

You have to be willing to spy on her to get accurate information. Do it and talk to other man's wife. Your wife should not have a computer at home that you do not have access to.
Lake

awesome help i need some time to digest all of this... some great suggestions and comments.
normally i see things really clearly but in this situation i obviously dont.. anyways thanks again so much..
i will post more
teds1

You people are awesome...

and i hate to admit to it.. but everything most of you have said is true.
i guess the classic thing is i always thought and said if i every screwed around i would tell her... and she said the same thing to me.
it is not in my nature to do have any kind of affair its just not me i believed in our marriage and thought it was really good. was i wrong.

my wife has been going for counselling for numerous things it turns out. After being with her for 15 years she has hidden so much from me. The counsellor is a typical counsellor with no answers apparently and just reverts it back to make my wife reflect on her past and come up with her own answers.
As i stated earlier i dont know if the counsellor would do any good because of the fact that i dont think my wife is being honest with her.
My wife swears she is however when i attended one of the meetings it clearly was not the case.

Well we had numerous fights etc over this whole thing and it always comes down to the same thing in the end. I bring this om up to much etc and i feel like i am the bad guy.

she still has not admitted to really anything.. recently when i ask she simply says she can not remember about anything that was out of the ordinary.

i knew she had his personal cell phone number. i asked her about it and she denied knowing it... it was quiete a scene to watch her scramble around the house instead of sitting down in front of me and just admit it. I ended up calming her down and getting her to admit to having it. really its no big deal to have it but by her reaction i could see it was.
she claims of course never to have used it etc etc.

it was sickening to catch her in a lie and see her react that way
again as it turns out she cant remember anything that was said or done between the two.. i personally find that very convenient.
when i pressed her she said she could sort of remember some conversation about choking a chicken....sorry you can fill in the rest yourselfs and we all know where that is headed

i said to her numerous times i just want all the truth and then maybe i can accept things for the long term and start again but nothing ever comes out.. well not exactly accurate each time i press her a little more comes out each time. but only a tiny bit and nothing really important in my mind.
i explained to her that i believe all i am here for is to help pay the bills fix the house do renovations and lanscaping etc. she of course denies that.

the last couple of weeks have been up and down
i am trying to put all this behind me but really i cant until i feel she has told me the entire truth.... its weird i feel like i have a 6th sense and it just keeps proding me that something is not right.
thru her counselling she has told me some significant things from her past before me. i guess her counsellor and my wife have come up with the idea is that is why she is the way she is with me...
i guess a little harsh here but i have never made excuses for my behaviour... i have come from an extremely difficult childhood and had extreme things happen to me..but no excuses i am having a hard time with the fact that she is now blaming everything on the past before me...
i say to her all the time that its not like we have been together for two weeks.. 15 years have i not proved thru my behaviour that i am who i am...

its almost like she is exploring and willing to talk to me about the past before me as an excuse not to explore or talk about the om...
its weird because i am finally beginning to see the person that she really is... yes after 15 years and two children..
not a bad thing but really weird like she has been hiding everything from me....
when i look back and evaluate our past i find so many times where she was out of line with other guys.. and most of that was in front of me...i always thought it was her just joking around but now i see it was more and totally inappropriate on her part...
i could only imagine what she was doing not in front of me and she will never admit to any of that i know.. and i wouldnt even try to get it out of her... just to difficult..

recently we were supposed to go to one of her coworkers weddings and stay the night etc... she really never said anything to me as it was coming up... i knew it was but just assumed we would be attending.. the last second i think the day before or something she said we would not be going.. that was really weird i offered for her to go alone and for a second she didnt say anything and then said no ...

she made up some excuse later to me why we couldnt go mostly financial but she knew i had it covered...weird...

i believe in my heart of hearts that she doesnt want me to be around her coworkers.. although she denies it...
the om works with her coworkers and they probably know exactly what has been going on...

a kids christmas party is soon (run thru her work) i took the day off to attend but said during one of the arguements that i would not attend... i guess she assumed i cancelled my day off and but i didnt ...
she again played like it was not coming up until yesterday when i mentioned to her and she acted like she had not remembered it and that i was working and could not attend.. but i told her i was off and i could tell she didnt know what to say....
obviously there is still more truth to come.... we will see the outcome today...
the truth from me is i feel embarrassed to attend anyways because i know most of her coworkers very well because i worked with them myself years ago..
the ongoing saga continues...

I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND LISTENING TO ME AND YOUR GREAT ADVICE... it has helped me tremendously now and in the future

to answer a few of your questions
i cant install keyloggers etc on her work computer its a laptop that is hooked up to a government system... simply unable to do it.. and i would not even try..
also i cant access her work computer...and she has deleted all the emails anyway,,, and up to this point i cant recover any of the emails because its a government computer and wont allow it...

i have been keeping "open eyes" but the truth is i work far away and simply cant do it,

she is sneaky and simply hides it well... and of course denies her sneakyness...
i cant install any hardware that would be picked up by her computer..
she also shares her computer with her boss so i really cant and will not spy on him...
i respect him too much

and life goes on just barely.. but i still dont know what to think.. my wife clearly doesnt want to come clean but says she is attempting to do so...
we will see thats for sure...

i dont know what the future holds or for that matter what the present holds but the advice here has helped so much
and it has given me an opportunity to see that i am not going nuts and other people see it the way i see it

thanks so much...

i will update soon....