An idea:

1. Tell her that you can no longer attend the staff party with her.

2. Let her go to the party, then show up there later. It would be best if you could do so without anyone alerting her to your arrival before you have a chance to see what she acts like when you're not around.

Be prepared for what you might see.

I suggest if you see something that confirms your suspicions, do not engage in any confrontation. Simply let her know that you are now know that your suspicions were correct, then leave.

well didnt go to the kids party,,, it was a funny day..she sort of avoided the whole thing.. then when i asked again about it she made like she didnt know what time it was at and searched for the invitation and then found the time had already pasted...
it was all planned out on her part to not attend i could tell but once again she was lying or playing some head games...

i asked her about it later and she got all defensive about it.. then she said she felt guilty about attending because she is hardly ever at work anymore..( mostly working out of the house)

i had another dilemna today .. her best friend came up for a visit had not seen her in awhile.. and my wife was out so i had some time to spend alone with her.....

man i did everything i could do to stop myself from asking her about this om and what she knew and informing her all about what was going on...

it was awkward for me not to say anything to pretend everything is alright...

even if i did say something to her i dont know if she would tell me the truth ...

what do you think should i ask her best friend.. would it be beneficial or hurtfull...

thanks...

Teds1:

I have reread your post and you are in the normal course of things right now.

First, you WW does not want to anywhere near the office or co-workers so that they can not talk to you about her A or the knowledge that they have. You sense this, and its true. She may have also told her co-workers you are a bad person, (justifying the A to them) and if she shows up with you on her arm, then it makes her look stupid. And she can't have that, can she?

And you want to know everthing. This is understandable. I revealed all to my BS on Dday and the days following. There is nothing important that she doesn't know. And if she was to ask me today, what about this, I would answer her. Without hesitation, but as honestly as possible. I will tell you, as a WS, I am in the minority on this point. Many WS later reveal much more info, but never upfront, like in your sitch.

I would suggest this. It Christmas time, right?

Write down all the questions that you can think of, that you would like her to answer. Preface it with a statement that you love her, but you need to know the following. (Please find Josephs Letter on this site, for a template you can use asking for her to be honest with you about the affair)
ANd make a promise, to her, in writing, that if she answers these questions, honestly and openly, that you will not ask her again. You may need some clarification, you may need some expansion of her answers, but if she starts to tell you what happened, you will ask questions at that time, and if she keeps answering, you will get the knowledge you need and then you will not ask again.

She does not need to answer each question the same day. She can start addressing them one or two a week, whatever the two of you feel comfortable with. This would be her Christmas gift to you.

This list could include some issues that you would like to discuss with her further, that are not as contreversail as the A questions. It can provide a level of comfort to move to the more difficult questions.

Do you really think that she is in NC now? Are you in PLan A?

LG

hi all again..

well its funny but all of a sudden well i should say maybe two weeks my wife has not checked her emails... or would rather say that she is having problems getting into her work email. I believe that she is attempting to avoid the whole issue.

she also has not mentioned a thing about any of it to me in a couple of weeks...obviously thinking that its a dead issue or something like that...or avoidance on the whole issue

well as you all know and i am learning it just isnt like that i think about it everyday.

my wife also said she doesnt no how to handle ending the EA or whatever she claims it was...

i find this weird its like she doesnt want to say anything to the om... when really i think she isnt being honest with me...its probably more like she doesnt know what to say to him or how to say it ... or actually discuss the issue...

i have learned recently that dishonesty and putting things off are really a way of life for her before me...

i am off to work..but i will add more when i can...

thanks all...

teds - Your wife needs to quit her job and have no further contact with this man. Once they crossed the line of a non-professional relationship, her job became a danger to your family.

Ted!

tell your wife this! Give me the truth,or a show you the door

Dont you think that if one had nothing to hide one would not get so "freaked out"
the reason she is getting that way is that she is still involved and likely to remain so
you have to give her an ultimatum..either end it with the other person and committ to saving your marriage or she can just leave
you will be better off either way
once a cheater always a cheater I say and even though you and her may heal there will always be this "thing" between you. Its hard beleive me and the road is hard and long. good luck i hope u do what your heart tells you to do

thanks all for the advice....

i find it really amazing.... that for the past two weeks well more like 3 or 4 my wife has not mentioned a thing about the other man or the emails or anything for that matter.

also she has started to become her old self again... back to arguing, not all the time mind you..

the affection she was showing me has also decreased to a point where its pretty much back to where it was prior to me finding out all this

also the counsellor she was seeing was supposed to get back to her about arranging some more dates for sessions... and the counsellor has not and my wife has not mentioned that to me...

i just find it funny that when i was bringing the subject up and it was current things were one way.. now that things are back to routine she has returned closely to her old ways...

obviously this change in behaviour was an attempt to keep me around but she must feel that i am sticking around because she is back to old ways...

i also find it particularly interesting that around the holidays she would not be more loving towards me...

i guess she just wants to bury the issue,,, and not discuss it and thats exactly what i said to her i didnt want her to do....

come new years eve it ought to be interesting around here...

its like she just wants to avoid dealing with anything about the ea or whatever it was...(maybe i will find out someday)

i really want honesty above all else,, and she knows this but she just will not respond to me....

i know some of you have suggested i show her the door.. i find that difficult considering the children etc and my love for her...

but maybe it will come to that i dont know...i still believe in my heart that i have not found out the truth about this whole thing .... it just doesnt add up...

on a more positive note the ongoing advice and perspectives i have gained here have helped tremendously...

happy new year and thanks ,,, i will update soon...

Teds,
Did you ever expose the EA to OM wife? You can not allow this to be swept under the proverbial rug. Also, the OMS deserves to know in order to work on her relationship with the OM.