...and it's all my fault...and I don't know what to do!

A little background, as it's been quite some time since my last login/post: 9/10/05 was DDay, DH was in an EA w/a co-worker where he worked PT, he quit & my belief is there's been NC since then. Our relationship, as always, has had its ups & downs since.

We've been married almost 8 years, together almost 10, have 2 kids - 7 & 10, have been struggling to dig out of financial ruin with little actual success, both work FT, have some shared and some individual interests.

Sexually though, he is not fulfilled. He has told me this more than just a few times. It's not the sex itself that he doesn't enjoy, it's just that we seldom have it. And it's my fault. I don't miss SF - I don't crave it - I'm not upset at its absence. But he misses, craves, and hates the loss of SF with me. I don't believe he's anywhere near EA or PA at this point, but I know he's experiencing the feelings that could drive him there.

I don't know what to do. I'm sad that I can see in his eyes he just need to be rocked, but I can't/don't do it. I'm worried that ANY woman could beat me out at this point, by simply talking of/offering sex, I'm ashamed I don't have the sexual hunger that many women have (I'm 29), and I don't want to lose my husband!

Last night he shaved his head - he'd been growing a mohawk - because he could. But we're to do Thanksgiving w/my family & having it is no longer an option. I felt & feel so bad! I don't like him having to not 'be himself' for ME...but it's true, keeping it wouldn't have been "appropriate". I felt that a good romp, a healthy dose of SF would surely cheer him up. By the time we went to bed I said to myself, "I'll do it in the morning". Here it is 6:30...he's gone to work, feeling unwanted/unneeded/unfulfilled I'm sure. I failed again. I want to call him & apologize, I want to ravage him when he gets home, I want to fix it...but he's heard it all before, I've done those things before (even though, right now, I probably still *won't* do it) and we always wind up back here.

What the ****** is wrong with me? How can I save MY marriage and fix ME??

Go to the doctor and get a complete physical. Have your testosterone level checked, among other things. There are bona fide conditions that can adversely affect your libido, completely aside from any mental/emotional issues about sex that you may or may not have. Physical first. Counselling second, if nothing's wrong with your body.

t&l

Well that's easy enough...and I've actually done that before. Everything "checked out" 'normal' so she gave me anti-depressants. I do deal with anxiety a bit, but...

I've also sought counseling but am currently out due to a change in insurance...

In the meantime, DH suffers and I don't like it and I'm scared. Perhaps I should read up on Plan A and start there, again...

Have you read the "willingness to desire" series of letters to Dr. Harley? It sounds like they would fit your situation.

Click here:
Willingness to Desire

I think there is lots of hope for you and your husband- "wanting to" is the biggest hurdle for most couples. Where there's a will there's a way! Yes get a check-up and don't despair, this will get better.

I just read that you're on anti-depressants. Those often KILL the libido, for both men and women. Keep that in mind. If you're not actually depressed, then see if you can do without them for a little while.

Also check out this site:
http://www.themarriagebed.com/

Are you on antidepressants? If so, then that totally explains the lack of libido - SSRI's have that effect on a high percentage of people.

If there's any way you could taper off of those (under medical supervision) and either find different medication or go through counseling to deal with it that way, that would probably solve your libido problem.

Often for women, their sex drive increases the more that they have sex. The more you have it, the more you'll want it. Just commit yourself to having it more often, and after a while, it may come natural to want sex that often. Also, make sure that your husband is meeting your emotional needs. I'm a husband that has a low interest wife, and it is very difficult not to think of going outside the marriage for more sex. If you want to have a happy marriage you NEED to address this issue sooner rather than later.

- Jim

Just curious - are YOU satisfied with your sex life? In other words, does your H "ring your bell"?

*****UPDATE*****

I called him this morning because it was bugging me so much and calling seemed the right thing to do, to at least show I care. I said I miss him, and that I feel disconnected, and asked if he feels the same. He said yea, "but I haven't been feeling well for a couple days, so I'll snap out of it" WOW - he thought it was about him! I said no, I'm not saying it's you - I just feel like you left this morning & we never even were together, even though we spent the evening together (like always) and he said "yea, I guess I'm kinda crabby, but it's not intentional" I asked him if there was anything I could do, like, starting NOW to fix/help it, and he said he hadn't given it much thought, he loves me, will see me soon...

I'll read up on the links provided above, thank you for that. And to answer a few questions:

I am NOT currently on anti-depressants, haven't been for some time. That ain't it!


Good question, I'm not sure I know the answer. In our last discussion about this, 2 weeks or so ago, he asked me if I was attracted to him - I answered absolutely yes. He asked if he was better endowed (sorry if TMI) would I be more "into" him - I answered no, that's not it. But I did spend the rest of the day wondering if I'd lied, to him and myself, and if I'm best to find the answer to that question (which IMO would have to involve cheating) or simply 'let him go' because I honestly don't know. It's been 10 years and I cannot fathom hurting him...I honestly think it's me. For instance, when I found out about the EA a year ago, our SF was thru the roof - it had to be, I had to keep him interested in ME, I had to bring him home every night with enticing text messages and promises of ecstasy! He is sometimes less adventurous than I'd like, and often less romantic than I'd prefer (just as often as he's told me he's unfulfilled, I've asked him to work on his approach - there are things he does that set me on fire, he just forgets to do them). Then again, for years I was heavier than I wanted to be and recently lost 18 lbs - I look & feel MUCH better, but still haven't brought myself to fully share this with him. I did at first, but it waned. It comes and it goes and I have no logical explanation!!

I don't think that after 10 years it's fair to give up because of sex...but I'm also very open to what could happen next. I think the problem is me. I want to fix it.

Have you considered 'faking it til you make it'? Foe some women that is what it takes.

So much of sex for women is mental. You have to wrap your mind around it and make the decision to just do it.

Are you on birth control pills? MY husband always said that was why they were birth control because he was not gonna get any if I was on them. If you are on BC pills, maybe they can adjust them and make a difference, too.

I think there might be a "10-year lull" in long-term sexual relationships, but I'm uncertain about this thought. One thing I do know is that when I was uncomfortable, things went downhill very quickly.

Caution - somewhat explicit commentary:
I'm sorry if this is TMI but I've been with well-endowed and much lesser-endowed lovers in my lifetime, and the truth is, size truly does NOT matter. I have actually preferred the lesser endowed in the past. My hubby does not fall into the less category, and we've had our sexual troubles about 12 years into our relationship.

What we learned by resolving our problem is that it has much more to do with your husband's and your ability to heighten sexual tension as well as to be able to count on the woman reaching orgasm during your encounter.

This cements the bond of intimacy of the act that makes for a satisfying, fulfilling marriage relationship.

If you feel you are not orgasmic, then you need to work on that for yourself, there are "pelvic floor" exercises you can do, as well as "pelvic floor exercisers" (google it) that you can purchase to help you get more enjoyment from the sexual experience.

The more you both enjoy the act of making love, the more of a loving, bonding part of your marriage it becomes so that you look forward with great enthusiasm to any opportunity to share it with your husband.

At 51, and 43 years, my husband and I will celebrate 25 years in February, and our intimate times are hugely gratifying and a solid base on which we build our happy marriage that I would not want to lose. It's part of our RC following the Harley plan.

There are a range of new supplements on the market, and your doctor should know of a new product being referred to as Viagra for women: "http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2004-09-27-female-viagra_x.htm

There is also a topical cream called "Finally" for Women, that is available at your pharmacy, that has a stimulus effect.

Remember, as part of RC, sex with your husband should be Fun! Your mission is to figure out how you can make it more fun for you, not him, your enthusiasm will help him more than anything else.

Yes, I have "faked I till I maked it" and it must have been pretty obvious, because he said sometimes he feels like I'm just letting him do what he wants and that feels sick & disgusting to him. I totally understand and appreciate his honesty & openness.

I am not on birth control pills - I've had an IUD for 7+ yrs now. I'm orgasmic, as is he, although...for us both, something is missing. I'm not totally into oral, I think this bothers him somewhat (OK I know) but that's not what keeps me from getting intimate...I don't know what keeps me from being intimate! I'll ask my Dr. about this Viagra - dang, at 29 I'm asking my Dr. about Viagra!?!

10Swords, I'll also check out the cream - why not? I've got such a one-track mind, I get so caught up in stuff that I seriously do put off and forget SF! Unless there's a real, in-my-face threat, that is. Ugh, I hate me right now! I've got a good man and we've been thru so much. Thank you all for your support & feedback!

I sense that a lot of your problem is self image. I also feel that you would be best off discussing this with your husband. He will likely be very flattered that this is a problem you very much wish to fix and do something about. I believe this will mean a lot to him.

Also, I recommend you start lifting weights. This will make you feel better and it will increase your libido by increasing your testosterone levels. This should help a lot. Don't worry about becoming a man looking woman like the body builders on TV. That's not possible for a normal woman without using steroids. You'll likely increase your strength and muscle mass and boost your testosterone as a side benefit, which should increase your libido.

Finally, if he does do things that set you on fire, then you need to talk to him about it. Let him know you'd like to set your love life on fire but that he needs to help by doing the things that make you want SF.

It is easy for a couple to become complacent over the years. Try crazy things you've never done before. Make a movie, try gadgets, things of that sort.

Good luck. You don't have a major problem that can't be resolved. Definitely salvageable.

Have you discussed ANY of this with your husband? You said above that you would like him more adventerous. Does he know that?

Also, is there any type of sexual issues from your childhood (such as rape, molestation, etc) that might be at the root of this??

JW:

Always good to talk with your H. Especially about this. But can you see the sexual ups and downs in just this post?



And contrast that with the description from your first post.

When you wanted him back, you DID the right things to attract him. Then once that was accomplished, its back to the Same old, Same Old.

All the other committments in life make it difficult to have good SF.

That's why you plan the rest of your life after putting in the time for your H.

Are you doing that? And, by extension, IS HE?

That is part of Dr. Harleys recommended 15 hours a week of together time. Undivided Attention (U/A) its called.

I know, I know, what with kids, housework, work, your friends, the bills, who can have time?

So, look at your schedule for next week. (This week has Thanksgiving, so it is warped anyway...)

Where is the time for you and Husband to get together? So, put it in. Two hours a day. And then nothing can violate this. The kids homework? before or after. Just have to clean up the kitchen? Do it with your H or later. Mom called? tell her you have to go. Its that important.

Once you get into this routine of being with your husband, then EA's do not have time to grow. And your H feels like he is first in your life, admired and appreciated. And you get lots of conversation and affection. And see how good the SF can become then.

Believe me, If I had done this at the ten year mark, much would be different about my M.

Thank you all for your feedback. Perhaps a more appropriate title for this thread would have been, "I'M never satisfied" or, "satisfying". UGH

To answer an above post, no - I wasn't abused in my childhood. My mother was though, at times in front of me and at other times in the room next to me while I pretended to sleep. This varied between physical/sexual.

As an adult, I think these memories make me 1) REFUSE to take any crap - verbal, physical, emotional, etc. I also strive to set my daughter up to avoid these things as well. (Read: I'm always on the defense, I have a hard time trusting, and affection doesn't come naturally like it does for so many (my husband). And if I'm not careful, I'm going to make my daughter the same way) 2) I struggle with feeling like a "servant" or like I'm being dominated. It's not in my husband's personality, and I LOVE how he's affectionate, but admittedly I pull away/sabotage/find other things to do. This is where my issue w/oral (sorry again!) comes into play. It's always been so much more than just pleasing the man that does everything for me!

lousygolfer - you've hit it on the head and yes, I'm aware, and I hate it. It's almost setting myself/my family up for failure! This is why I'm here, since I can't talk w/my therapist right now.

NO - I'm not avoiding talking to DH, that's why I called. But I know I sound like a broken record and I'm sick of it too. I feel pretty darn stupid, to be honest. Not only do I want to "fix" this, but I also want to stop "fixing" it every 6 months! I want this to never be an issue ever again. Perhaps I should talk w/DH again too, and be more clear. I'm sure he'll at least appreciate that *I* initiated this talk for once.

Perhaps I can lift weights while at my desk, if I get some lil' dumbells? A friend recommended I try ben-wa(sp?) balls...and to that I say, "Hmm, sounds a little scary, but who am I to say "NO" at this point?"

I could be your husband.

Though I've never been tempted to pursue an affair, I've always felt that the lack of sex in our marriage could have made me vulnerable to one. It's only been recently that we've been able to really talk about these issues - me learning to tell her how I feel without being angry or demanding; her learning to listen without being defensive.

It's easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day and not have any time or energy left over for your spouse. We found it good to schedule a couple of nights a week where we reserve time and energy for the other. Wear our son out so he'll go to bed early, simple dinner with few dishes, no after dinner chores...after 8, the evening is ours. We schedule these nights a few days in advance so we can look forward to them and let the anticipation build.

LG is right. You HAVE done this. You KNOW how. And if your H can do things that set you on fire...strongly hint that you would like him to do those things...

Do you care about your husband, at the emotional level?
Be honest.

Does it make you happy, to make him happy?
I think that could be a missing part of the puzzle here.

Even if I have no sexual desire whatsoever... or I know I'm going to get nothing in return... it makes me happy, to make my wife feel good.
As a husband, it certainly makes me feel good when my wife wants sex. But if she would be totally focused on just doing everything she could to make me feel good... that would be pretty good by me, too! That would make me feel loved, and appreciated.
In comparison to if she just "goes through the motions", because she feels "obligated". That makes me feel like a burden. Afterwards, that makes me feel physically better, but emotionally hurt.


It doesnt sound like you are doing that. It sounds like you are maybe just mechnically going through the motions.. and/or faking your own enjoyment.
I would suggest maybe not "faking" it... just get into making him feel good. And feel good in yourself for that. Then maybe after a while, the whole experience will become a more positive one, and you will look forward to it more, and then... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


If the thought of just making him feel good, doesnt appeal to you... then you have other major disconnect issues in your marriage, that you need to sort out.

" I want to ravage him when he gets home, I want to fix it..." [but when he actually appears in person, you have no desire?]

That sounds like you ARE sexually activated... but you dont actually want sex with your husband <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


There's the possibility you are deliberately (unconciously or otherwise) withholding intimacy from your husband. You need to figure out why, if this is the case. Your "oh, i'll get to it in the morning" story, hints of that a little to me. Seems like an avoidance pattern, not just a "i dont feel like it" thing.

[edit: yup.. posting overlap. i was writing this before I got to see your post that appeared 20 mins before mine went through. but your post screams that this is a relationship/emotional issue for you, not a "sex" issue]

Your issues probably lie right in here!! Usually, at least for a female, problems of the sexual nature either come from some problem with their body (hormones, etc) or some type of abuse or issues in their childhood.

You said the doc checked out all of your levels, so it probably isnt that. And what you wrote above basically shows that it is probably abuse.

Sure, you said that YOU werent abused directly. But if that was going on in front of and around you to your mother, then you were abused. Look at how you say you raise yoru daughter...of how you are on the defensive. How in the world can intimacy be established if you have your guard up?

Sex is actually a letting down of boundaries, especially for women. It is why so many want conversation and the like...before and after the event. It is because in order to "let go," they have to feel safe.

It appears that you do not feel safe to let down and let go. Now, it is possible that it has nothing to do with your husband. It may have everything to do with what you witnessed as a child...and wanting not to be treated that way. A protection mechanism.

The problem is that the protection mechanism you are using has probably allowed you to place SF so low in your priorities, because you know what that means to your ability to maintain your walls.

So, what to do?

Does your counselor know about this? Does your husband? You may need to have help in getting you to just let go. To open yourself up completely to your husband, without reservation.

You did that when you thought he was leaving. but that was a defense mechanism. And once he came back, you shut things down again.

Deep down, you are probably scared of being abused like your mother was. The problem is for you (and for your daughter) is that if you learn life's lessons too well...then we often end up alone.

What do I mean by that? Well, if I get in a car accident...the lesson of that accident is not to never get in a car again.

Since my wife committed adultery, the lesson is NOT for me to never trust someone else to be my wife.

Do you see what I am saying? Somewhere inside you, you are probably scared. And the only way out is for you to feel safe. That will require help...MOSTLY from your husband!

Um, dear, that's for a *different* type of exercise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Wa_balls