MIM,

You should be ashamed of yourself!!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha

That was good!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ha ha, yes I know...and I don't dare click that link here at work...I guess I should have put that in its own sentence? Thought since I'm putting it all out there maybe somebody could say "OH yea those will surely help" or "No, that's more of a (whatever)"

I'll stick to the dumbells for now. Te he

Wow you guys, this is a lot of food for thought and I cannot thank you enough.

NO my counselor does not know about all this, and she won't, since my insurance issue won't be fixed this month.

However, our MC a few years back 'challenged' me to tell DH EVERYTHING - like what my dad has done, what I'm afraid of, etc. That was at least 2 years ago, and I haven't done it yet. Yes, I should, I'm kicking my marriage in the teeth by not, but it's so easy not to. And I'm still scared. If he knows...well, then, he'll KNOW! I don't know what will happen after that. And honestly, I still neglect to see the direct correlation between my dad's inexcusable behavior, my mom's stupidity (yep, still married - 35+ years - YAY!) and MY marriage now. I know it's there, I've been told several times, but like an idiot, I still don't SEE it.

Someone asked if I WANT to please him - yes, I sure do. I'm being selfish though, and at times, for certain amounts of time, it "works" for me. How horrible that makes me sound, and him feel. And he hasn't given me any real reason to be afraid except that for in the 8 yrs. we've been married, we've separated a few times. Never because of an OW, in fact the one time there was an OW we didn't separate, but I guess it's always in the back of my mind he may leave. Like, I don't dare say, "will you always be with me, no matter what?" because he may pause too long to answer or simply answer, "I don't know" because he might not know!

I'll stop there. I'm too much, huh?

Hmm.. well, there's "want to" please him, in your head. and there's "happy to" in actual actions. they are very different things. But... moving on...

I have some experience in the "revealing past abuse" area, although I cant go into details on who and what. But it is direct, family experience.


The best thing you can possibly do, is tell your husband everything.

" If he knows...well, then, he'll KNOW! I don't know what will happen after that. "

I will tell you what will happen. He will love you. and he will better understand you. and your marriage will be better for it.

It's kinda like revealing that you've had an affair. It's best to not stew over it, but just DO IT, and come clean.
The big difference in this situation is; you didnt do anything wrong. it wasnt your fault.
So there's no reason to be scared or ashamed of telling your husband. It's one of the best things you could possibly do for your marriage.

Your husband loves you. He will love you even more, for you opening up yourself, and sharing your private past hurts with him.

I speak from experience on this.

It is absolutely critical that you tell your husband about the abuse you witnessed as a child. This is the heart of your problem. This has had a dramatic impact on the perceptions of your life and your relationships.

If you can't go to counselling, then read up on the subject.

My ex didn't tell me about certain things until AFTER our D. Suddenly many issues in our marriage made sense. The sad thing is that she still ignores the fact that these issues had a major impact on her, her marriage, and her perceptions of relationships. She is doomed to repeat the same mistakes that she made with me and will bring turmoil into the lives of her children.

You, at least, are open the fact that this may indeed be a huge part of the problem.

I wish to recommend a book to you. It is called Man's Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl. Does it have anything to do with SF? Very little. A small part in the end addresses it. But the big part in there where he does talk about SF is that making something a goal, such as an O during SF, is in and of itself counter productive. By focusing all your energy on achieving that, you are likely to not be able to. If instead you focus on your partner and pleasing them and make it a completely selfless act, the achievement of O during SF will simply happen and be a happy by product when it doesn't become the goal itself.

I highly recommend this book because it can completely change your way of looking at things and it is a quick one to two day read. It really helped change my outlook on things.

JW:

I already know more about you and your childhood then your H knows.

You have opened up here on the website more than you ever have to your H.

And yes, nobody knows who you are here.

That is a very high wall to get over. And your H has been trying for years. And then he found somebody in a EA that had a much smaller wall.

So. Start dismantling the wall.

I will give you a personal example:

After dday, my BS and I started talking about what had happened to us. Some of it was in regards to our earlier M and some about what happended before we got M.

I finally started to talk about my life prior to meeting her, and some of the things that were going on. I never, ever wanted to reveal some of these things. Someone who had this knowledge could destroy me. And now she can. And if she wanted to, I have no control over that. I can only control my actions with her to reduce her need to ever hurt me by revealing some of these things.

The level of emotional intimacy that occurred when we started talking was amazing. And it still exists. And it is even getting better. And the SF has been awesome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

You may fear that someone will take advantage, or abuse you like your mother was. And someone may still do so. You can not control that.

Unless you start dismantling that wall, you will never know.

When I turned over some of my fears and concerns to my W, it didn't make me a weaker man. It made me a better, stronger and more loving Husband.

And just like in your case, one of the partners in the M had to have an A to get there. You need to start moving there.

JW:

I can point out one other thing as well.

You discuss your "oral" SF and how you do not do so well.

For SF to be truly satisfying, you have to turn yourself over completly to your partner. And when it comes to "oral" you are giving yourself more completly than anything genital, in my opinion. Whether Man to Woman or Woman to Man. Because at that point, for the giver, the satisfaction derived by the givee is all that matters. Slower to faster, softer to harder, whatever. You are only trying to give your partner satisfaction.
And every wall, barrier, or hangup that you have can come into play here.

The SF that can occur when fully making the above committment is amazing.

Sorry if this might insult (TMI?)

IMHO

Great post, golfer.. i just have one note of caution:


There are some people who focus SOOO MUCH on their partner, that they shut out enjoyment for themselves. This is Not Good. You should never be so "focused", that you block out nice things that your spouse does for you during the moment. But other than that. yup, totally agree with what you said <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No, no insult at all, thank you again. Jeez, what would have happened if I hadn't come here this morning? Heck, what will happen even though I did?

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to tell you he may reject me or judge me or tell me that's a lousy excuse for my only-lasts-6-months-at-a-time stupidity, but I guess you'd all rather me DO it, and come back to report whether my fears or suspicions come true. The scares me like I can't even explain. I've been a facade, for 10 years, and I've gotten used to it.

Are you suggesting to me that maybe - just possibly - if I lift this weight that I may never have the 6-month-syndrome again? Because eventually I'll lose him. I know it. And btw, fwiw, we will be sitting across the table from my parents - both of them - on Thanksgiving. It's what we do.

No, dear, you dont "know" it. you fear it. And after the EA's, that's an understandable fear.
It sounds like he has recommitted to you. I dont think you have much to fear in that department.

But know this: if he ever does leave you in the future, it wont be becuase you told him about past abuse.

It MIGHT happen, because you failed to tell him, and thus didnt work out things between you (and with yourself), that you need to work on together.

please tell him. If you get a moment's courage, call him on the phone RIGHT NOW, and tell him. Dont wait a moment longer. Just break the ice, and get it started. Tell him a 1 minute summary, and tell him you'd like to share with him the rest of how you've been hurting for a long time, later tonight.

Julie,

Do not make your fear a self fullfilling prophecy. If you think eventually you will lose him, you probably will. The reason I say that is you probably not do everything it takes to keep him if that is your true feeling.

Assume you will keep him and never lose him and do everything you can to make that happen.

Then on the SF thing.

Try different things then. When I say that I mean instead of jumping into the sack and saying you wanna. Try it differently.

Whenever I get a little bored or I see my FWW is I go to the 16 year old boy seduction thingy. LOL.

What I mean is kissing for a long time. Then slipping a hand under the shirt etc. Taking forever and a day to work up the courage to ......

Or I go into the phase where we can do anything to each other except the actual act itself. Anything goes. One rule though is she needs to finish before I do.

There are so many different ways to get yourself into the mood. He really needs to help though.

What I am really seeing and hearing is you have a low self esteem. Let him know that. Tell him you need compliments.

I bet if you were stark naked and he told you how hot you were you might perk up a little.

My FWW is lucky I think she is hotter then hot and she knows it because I tell her all the time.

Techie:

I was only referring to the "oral" portion... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And the partner does not need to be passive at that time either.

When we go to the Magic Number position <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> It's not a problem...

I can promise you that if this man loves you he will not in any way use this against you and will work with you to explore its impact on your life. You will see that sharing this with him WILL lift a huge burden off of you and may be exactly what you need to get over this barrier you have.

Exactly. We are suggesting that if you lift the weight you can have a wonderful relationship with your husband. One you cannot dream is possible.


You are far more likely to lose him by NOT telling him than by telling him.

What we are asking is terrifying. I understand that. My wife and I spent years in marriage counselling before she admitted to having been raped. She had the same fear you do. We cannot promise you that he will react lovingly to your disclosure. But we can predict that your marriage will never be what you want it to be if you keep your secret.


Giving you advice on how to deal with your parents is outide my bailiwick. But I would urge you to educate yourself (books, web sites, talking to a counsellor) about how to deal with abuse. There is information out there on how to deal with the abuser in a way that helps YOU reach closure.

I know you said you cannot see how it affects your current behavior. But even though you cannot see it, those of us outside see it very clearly. Please trust us. It is having an effect on you and your marriage. It may seem like telling your secret would have an even worse impact. But more likely telling your husband the truth would remove the obstacle that is slowly destroying your marriage.

I know that keeping your secret seems the safest choice. But that safety is an illusion. The train is racing down the track to smash into you. You just can't see it or hear it yet. But it is coming. You are going to have to move out of the way. Moving seems scary. But staying where you are and waiting for the train to hit you is not safe. The ground next to the track may seem like a swamp. But getting your feet wet is not as bad as getting run over by a train.

Ah, *that* number. My favourite <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Years ago, I put a sticker that said "69 - Back Seat Limit" (with the appropriate graphics) on the car one night when we went out partying. I forgot to take it off. Mum used the car to go to work the next day. At that time she was a secretary at an on-site office for a construction firm. When she found out what all the construction workers were chuckling over, she was not amused, to say the least.

holdingontoit, your post was very profound and I thank you for taking the time, considering there are plenty others here who need help as well. You are right, my current state - whatever we may call it - is comfortable. And you're right, others see it. I'm a hard person to know, that's for sure. People meet me and they think I'm standoffish, or mean, or bitter, then they get to know me and MAN, that's a strong chick! Yea, right.

I don't want advice on how to deal w/my parents, I think I'm just feeling almost hypocritical for spending the time I do with them, considering they deserve little respect. I think. And I think that's a fear of mine - that DH will learn all this and say how stupid I am for going shopping w/my mom, for letting my kids spend time at their house, for sending the kids fishing w/my dad...and I don't want to be called a hypocrite. I tell myself that's in the past, it's their problem, you all seem to know better.

Look Julie...

Your husband deserves your respect. What I hear you saying is blatant disrespect of him. How?

You wont trust him with the truth. So, you continue to do damage to him by allowing him not to understand hsi world. And it is his world. The fact that his wife is not comfortable with SF...he knows. It is the "why" he doesnt know. So, he works hard, reads, goes to counseling...and beats himself up over why he cannot satisfy his wife. Look at his response to you in an earlier post above, and you will know that I am right. He blames HIMSELF!

Now, he is blaming himself for something he didnt do, he doesnt understand what the truth really is...but he does know that he is not happy with the situation. You may be comfortable, but he is not!!

And anytime at least one person in a relationship is in that situation, the relationship is in trouble!!

You MUST sit down with him and open yourself up. Now! You MUST answer all of his questions. You MUST help him to understand...to even understand why you were so scared to tell him all of this.

Let him have the chance to be the man! It is what he wants, you know??

I think if you continue to do nothing, your marriage will end. I also think that if you open up to him, that there is a very good chance you may find your "knight" who will help you work thru this. And will be there for you. And will help you move to a relationship where you cannot keep your hands off each other!!

Your call, Julie! Do nothing...and keep up the disrespect of your husband...and this WILL end! Or, open up...and let him show you how much he loves you.

JW:

Lets look at your Parents situation:

Your parents were in an abusive relationship. It created scars on you, that have not yet healed, and that you can not reveal.

And they are still together. And seem to be OK people. You shop with Mom. Your kids go fishing with Grandpa.

Would you allow these things to happen if your parents were still the same people as they were when you were younger. Think about that.

Your Father abused your Mother. Your Mother decided to stay with him. You do not know what led her to that that choice, and you will never be party to it. Have you ever had a discussion with your Mother?

You are not hypocritical for having a relationship with your parents. Afterall, they are your parents.

You can make a choice in this matter. And that choice was to have a relationship with them. Your H has to respect this.

Would the revelation of this information to your Husband cause problems in your Marriage? In your relationship between all parties?

Why do you think that?

I will not give you advice on how to deal with your parents unless you ask for it. But this relationship with your parents is affecting your relationship with your husband. I can't help much with the former, but I can cast some light on the latter...

BTW: Welcome to MB. We can help you here. I think you have already realized some things because you now have someone to talk to. I think you will be a great addition to this site.

If you can't get counseling, join a women's support group that has survivors of this same kind of abuse. You will be amazed how much it will help.

Right now, you (and your husband) are suffering needlessly from something that happened in the past.

Boy do I! Recently these words really got me: "You never make me feel like I'm the man " and "I know I'm needed here, but I don't feel wanted" This IS disrespectful, and even when my eyes were wide shut (prior to coming here today) I would have told you he deserves much better than that from me.

Well, I'm just waiting for him to get home. Then we have to figure out how we're going to deal w/my son's behavior at school today, then we have our Tuesday show we watch, and then I will tell him. Yes - I will tell him. I don't know how I'll bring it up and I don't know how he'll react but I do know that like always, I'll be talking thru lots of tears. That's OK.

Mortarman, you're right - it is disrespect and HOW in the WORLD do you all see/know this in one day when counselors have only touched on it after weeks/months/years? Who cares, thank God I came back here today.

lousygolfer, you're right too, and if you've got perspective you'd like to share RE: my parents please feel free. I'm honest & strong willed, so I'll tell you I may not heed your advice, but will surely consider it.

believer, they've got groups for THIS crap? No, seriously...who knew! I'll look into it. H is always encouraging me to "get out more"...imagine if I did, and it ended up benefitting us BOTH!?