There is something that I read in your posts which I find to be parallel to the situation I was in.

My ex held a secret from me for years. I had no clue why she behaved the way she did. I thought it was all kinds of things other than what it really was.

When it all ended I found myself at a loss as to how things changed so suddenly. Now, I found out the truth after our D. It suddenly made everything make sense.

During this whole time, my ex expected me to just see and know that she was unhappy. I had no clue how unhappy she was because she wouldn't tell me. I had no idea and could do nothing about it.

MM is dead on with his advice.

One other thing in your posts that reminds me of my ex is the assumption of how your H is going to react. That's crazy and unfair. Your H is an adult and from the sounds of it, a good man. I seriously doubt he will negatively judge you for something you didn't do!

I also believe that he will suddenly have the light bulb go off and he'll be able to understand a great deal. Don't make assumptions about how he will feel about your relationship with your parents. He'll understand they're your parents. Furthermore, don't be defensive if he asks you about the nature of the abuse and if it is proper for the kids to be exposed to your parents without you guys around. It is a fair question, but it won't mean he will say the kids shouldn't be with their granparents. But expect the question or the concern. He may simply pose it and see what you may say.

Things will go well. I'm sure he will happily be at your side and support you.

Good luck.

Julie,

For many years, I held the secret inside of me that I was being raped over and over again as a child.

This secret tore me apart as I tried to grow up. I prayed at night that I would forget it ever happened. I prayed that it would stop. After it finally did stop, I prayed that the images would go away. For many years, I was an angry person, lashing out at others. They did not understand why I was angry. My relationships were ridiculously violent and chaotic.

Then, I met my H. I knew that he was the person I could be "normal" with. And I was. Except when there was conflict. I could not argue with him, because the old anger problem was still there. He could not understand why I was so angry about things that were seemingly "everyday problems". He very kindly pointed out to me one day that he was fighting about the laundry, but I wa fighting about something else, and asked me point-blank, "what is it?". It was then that I finally told him what happened to me as a child. He was the first person who ever knew about the rapes.

I became free that day.

You see, the secret only held power as long as it was a secret. Once spoken aloud, it had no control over me at all.

Had I known that when I was seven years old, I would have shouted the secret from the rooftops, for all to hear.

Shout your secret to your husband tonight, Julie. It only holds the power you give it.

And he's a man - believe me, he has heard much worse before. And he already knows something is wrong, he just doesn't know how to fix it. His most heart-felt desire is to fix it, to help you fix it, if he can. Let him help you.

SB

schoolbus,

How long did it take you to figure this out. I couldn't empathize more with your H. My ex use to get some major anxiety attacks over trvivial things and suffered as you did. I didn't learn till AFTER our D. I feel it has seriously clouded her judgement and she can't see that the troubles in our marriage were normal things that all marriages experience. In less than three months she went from loving me to wanting to leave. I never understood it and finally understood some of it after her revalation, which came AFTER the D. Suddenly everything made sense.

She is still lost and is furious that I've shared the trauma on these boards, but I've been trying to understand the impact such a thing has on a woman and how it affects her thinking.

Any insight would be very helpful. I think JulieW would benefit as well.

Julie, as you are here more, you will realize two things. The first is that nothing is new under the sun. You are not unique. There are many women out there that have suffered just as you have...and many men suffering as your husband is.

It also means that the solutions to the problem are not unique either.

The second thing I wanted to say, in response to yoru question above is...you answered your own question. You asked how some of us know. And then you answered the question with one word...God.

He is working here, Julie. And more than your husband, more than the people here...you can trust Him. He is trying to move you to where you should be.

It is amazing, isnt it? That pure strangers that have never met you have more insight into you and your problems than some of the people around you. But it really isnt us, Julie. We are just listening to Him. And passing on what He tells us.

He is trying to get closer to you Julie. And at the same time, help you heal from the past...AND to help your marriage and your husband.

Look at the bottom of this post for more insight on what he expects from you and your husband.

But...the question still remains...do you trust Him? If you do, then the solutions to all of this are very simple.

what anti-depressent?
they usually work against sexual desire.

She's not on ADs any more.

Mustangdriver,

That's also what I drive. Love it.

It took me from the moment of the first rape until the moment it hit me that the things didn't have to be that way - a total of about 14 years. I was seven when the abuse began, ten when I stood up to him and it stopped. From the age of ten until about 22, I went through he// trying to figure out how to make the images stop.

And then I figured out that for each and every time I was crying, or lost, or angry, or down, or using that event to shape my life, HE WON.

And I did not want him, or anyone else for that matter, to win any longer. I had a life to live, and it was MY life.

From the very day that I told my husband what had happened, things in my life began to change for the better. Suddenly, I was free.

I remember that day. I called a rape hotline. I told them that what happened was so long ago, that it wasn't an emergency, and that maybe they had other people who were more important ahead of me in line, that I would wait. They were kind, and led me through the process. It took just the one call. I was on my way to recovery. And I was free.

Tell your ex-wife to call someone, to find someone, to get help. Even though it might be too late for you and her as a couple, it isn't too late for her as a person. Tell her that I did this, and I am free - I truly am. There are no boogey men in my dreams anymore. I am at peace. Even with the rapist (although, I do know that many women cannot do this, I personally am).

Julie,
Have you shouted it from the rooftops yet?

SB

schoolbus,

I'm sorry, Julie, if we're threadjacking. Perhaps our exchange of ideas can help you. From me, I hope you get the H's point of view.

My ex gets furious whenever the subject is touched. She found out I had discussed it on this board and blew a gasket. Said that me talking about it was super low and she sees it as a betrayal. I recognize how much it has clouded her view on life and she doesn't. For years I dealt with anxiety attacks, depression, a lack of trust of people, and this incessant desire to have male "friends". Since your D, her behavior is further proof of this. Her myspace page screams insecurity and "please, guys, tell me how hot I am". (She doesn't actually say that, but it's there in the way the site is structured)

She thought I was crazy about being uncomfortable with her insistance on having male friends while we were married.

She bailed on a perfectly normal marriage. Our problems were not abnormal.

Julie, this is why it is critical your H know. He's dealing with things he's desperate to try and understand and right now he has no clue. He will still love you. My feelings for my W didn't change when I learned. If anything it made me understand her more once I did the research. Do the research. You'll see how much this has affected you and your life and those around you. I swear that your H will still be there for you and you guys will be better for talking about it.

Something to consider...

When a person has witnessed an abuse situation it isn't TOO unusual for them to accidentally play the role of abusor in their effort to NOT be the victim.

Not that I am suggesting you are an abusor...but the CONTROL dynamic seems to be very present in your description.

The lack of intimacy. I would fathom a guess that may have a LOT to do with your lack of desire to have sex with your H [and I presume that doesn't include attraction to other men] because you have been there and done that so there isn't a "new sex" vibe going on and there isn't sexual intimacy either so it's not really gratifying on either count.

I did tell him, last night. I was a little unsure as to what I was to be telling, but I got out what I could. I wanted to get thru Thanksgiving first, I'm not sure why, avoidance is probably it. We had a "date night" planned last night and I knew I was falling back into my putting-everything-off pattern, so before we went into the bar I spilled it all. I provided some details, but not all.

Do I feel better? I'm not sure. He wasn't sure how to respond and I understand that...he wondered why I waited till just moments before we were to greet our friends & have a fun night, and I said I preferred it that way so that we could change gears and have fun. We haven't discussed since, but we did share a closeness last night & this morning that *I* felt to be more real, maybe because subconsciously I am a bit relieved?

Anyway, I don't really know what else to say...all of your posts and shared experiences and concern for me within this thread have really helped. Perhaps as the weekend & weeks ahead progress I'll have more to add to this post.

~Julie

JulieW

What you are going through is normal.

A long-term relationship requires the transformation of the intense excitement of early sex into a more sustainable experience of loving. This takes time and patience. It requires really getting to know your partner as a person and as a friend.

I find that many people don't realize this and cannot or will not make this crucial transformation when the time comes.

We are all sexually compatible in the beginning of our relationships because those intense flames of infatuation help us overlook sexual flaws and differences.

These differences become apparent about the same time we realize that unmanaged conflict begins to cause some alienation.

How do you "turn-on" a mature couple?

Feeling that your spouse likes, cherishes, admires and appreciates you generates and renews love, passion and heightened sexuality.

Julie,

Now that the big secret is out, it won't seem like it is so big anymore.

Every time that you talk about it, it becomes smaller and smaller in its power. You will see what I'm talking about as time goes on. Now that your husband knows about it, he will understand what is going on, and the dynamic between you will change - because YOU have changed it.

You can talk with him about your feelings about what happened. A new energy is between you, one that will put him in the position to help you, and to draw you closer to him. To make you safer with him.

You have made such great progress in such a short period of time - I'm very proud of you!

Pieta's notes above are most excellent - she is right on!

Glad you told him.

SB

Hey SB, thank you for the vote of confidence. I'll be honest with you (duh), it never really did seem like a "big secret" to me. Well, it does and it doesn't - I don't know. I'm glad I told him too. Not because it's really changed anything thus far, but because it was a challenge for me and I do like a good challenge. That and I guess it can't possibly hurt.

I'm not sure he wants to know more. Nothing more has been said, almost to the point that it bothers me. Do I bring it up again? Well no, because it's still a bit painful, when it comes up. That and the ball is now in DH's court, so to speak...isn't it? I don't know.

Noodle, you too were dead on in your "assessment" of me. It's something I've known somewhat over the years, but would never really admit because I actually despise it.

Julie:

I think you are going to have to give your husband some guidance on this vis-a-vis what you want. You can't expect him to somehow magically know what you want or what will or will not help you.

If you would like to talk more about it with him, tell him so. If you want to know what he is thinking about it, ask him.

This can be a huge opportunity to build openness, honesty and intimacy between the two of you. NOt just on this issue, but in general. Take a deep breath and explore it together.

One of the things I learned in therapy that was surprising to me is that seeing (or in your case hearing) someone else being abused has much the same effect as being the victim. The consequences of hearing your mother sexually and physically abused are far reaching for you, I'm sure. I pray you will explore this thoroughly in therapy with someone who has experience in sexual abuse issues. If you've often wondered why you are the way you are -- control issues, anger, etc. -- I would bet you can find the answers in exploration of this issue.

Tru

Julie,

The ball isn't in his court. He is still in need of some information, and probably isn't going to ask. You dropped something into his lap that you haven't ever talked about before, and put it there without giving him a chance for real interaction (right before a group of people came over). That communicates to him that you weren't up for discussion on the topic (my profession involves the science of human communication - sorry!). He is unlikely to open the topic up for discussion again, because the unspoken message was that it is not open for discussion - you said it without words. The ball is once again in YOUR court, so this time, open the discussion at a time where he can actually TALK with you about it, please. He will appreciate that chance! I promise you he will. I sense he will be very understanding and kind. The conversation will be like spraying the hurt with a little pain killer, you will be so surprised.


Regarding sexual pleasure:

Control.

Think about why this is so important to you, and how releasing it might help your sex life. Just releasing it during sex, can you do that?

SB

SB, why didn't you tell me you're in this line of work? Worried I'd keep you up all night perhaps! Thank you for your perspective on this, I'm sure you're right. And I told him that - that I wanted to go have fun w/friends right after the fact so that we didn't dwell or have a sad/draining evening. Is that controlling?

I know I don't sound very open-minded here but honestly I'm feeling VERY open-minded...and near desperate to get me/us "fixed"...and do whatever it takes to get there.

I can recall a conversation DH & I had YEARS ago, before we were even serious. My brother was threatening to sue me at the time, had gotten my parents involved and had sent a certified letter with court dates on this particular day. DH (boyfriend at the time) came over & could tell something was on my mind, I was being short w/him & obviously in a bad mood. He finally snapped at me because of my attitude, and I broke down crying. He asked me why I didn't tell him about this days or weeks ago, and I said because it was my problem - why EVER would I trouble him with MY problems? Seriously, WHY?? I guess I still feel this way, even though he told me that night 9+ yrs. ago that of course he is concerned with my problems & wants to help/understand.

I do not LIKE the way I am. Perhaps I have become "comfortable" (whatever that is) but I'm not proud.

Are you suggesting I should bring this up again w/him?

Julie,

Yes! It's up to you to bring it up again.

He has figured out that you are not comfortable with discussions like this (and duh, look at the history with you, he's seen it before????). So he's looking to you to open the door. OPEN IT. Get this job done, because it certainly is interfering with your sex life.

Then, the next step is the job of talking with him about your sex life.....but that's the next lesson. First, this lesson!

SB