I'm just wondering how men feel about child support. I'm still steamed that after I left my husband two years ago for the first year he said I didn't deserve a dime and refused to pay. When I filed for a divorce I haven't yet finished he finally started sending $500 a month, he makes about 100k per year as a banker. I run a company and make some money it's true, the boy and I managed, I bought furniture and have been renting. I wasn't in the bind some women are in really desperately needing child support, but it seemed unfair to me. Other men I've men have paid not only child support, they were the ones who left the house (I left) and still had to make house payments. In my ex's perspective, I was the one who chose to leave, when I bring up money and that he should do more for his boy - he says he would if we were living with him. Lately he's bought him a few clothes and diapers, he never even used to do that. Only saw him every 3-4 months the first year I left, even called it babysitting one weekend when I brought the boy to him. Of course a few friends say I should go for back child support for the year he didn't pay a dime - and get on with my life, finish the divorce. Is he protecting himself financially, using me, stalling the divorce for money or what? Or do men feel this way in general about child support - the heck you left me, it was your choice and why should I have to pay? And do men feel its unfair? I'll admit I've had male friends that I thought had to pay too much of their checks to their ex's... I'm just up late, I'm confused and I've been accused in the past of not seeing other people's views. I never know what to think anymore. I just feel sorry for my little boy - and I'm glad he's come around to seeing him more and buying him a few toys and clothes. My boy is two, goes on and on about that. It's just all so sad, especially nearing the Holidays. From a man's perspective, not living with their child, mailing checks, not doing the day to day stuff - I don't know.

I think most men don't like it but accept that they should. CS will be decided at the settlement. At first many avoid it but I think that is mostly an anger at the Ex thing. Once that subsides, they usually toe the line.

Do you have a written temporary aggreement ? It is doubtful that you can get back CS if there wasn't a written agreement. In the courts eyes you accepted and didn't ask for any CS if you didn't file for temporary CS. The only thing that usually matters is the filing date.

I always figured I could get back child support, but the attorney I hired was a liar and I fired him. He told me to go for it, someone else said not to expect it. I can see in your reasoning why. If I really needed it or wanted it I would have filed for a temporary agreement. I didn't do that. And he's paid $500 per month which is less then the $800+ per month he'd half to pay according to his income, and I wonder if the courts would just say that's the way it's been? He's traveling to see his boy now, spending money on flights and the crooked attorney said anyways they'll lower his child support saying he has to travel and I've been doing fine without more money from him. Is that right? I think it might be natural for men to first avoid child support out of anger towards the ex, maybe if I was a man I'd feel the same way. I don't know, I just know how completely irked I was at him and I didn't want to file a divorce at the time as my dad was dying of cancer but it was the only way he'd have ever mailed me even a dime. I was so broke there for awhile we were sleeping on a matress on the floor, he kept all of the furniture and to this day I've gotten nothing out of it all.

You are still married. If you have no peperwork then you aren't even legally seperated. He doesn't legally owe you anything - not a dime. If he is paying you $500 a month it is a gift - not CS. If he stops sending the $ there is nothing you can do about it. If there are no legal papers then he doesn't owe any CS and he won't until you file. It is very doubtful you will get retro CS.

Sorry - but thems the facts although things vary by state. Get a new attorney and file paperwork. If your really done, delaying will only make things more complicated. Remember - half of what he earns is technically yours AS WELL AS ANY DEBT and visa-versa. He can claim ownership of anything you've bought or gotten until you file. Your taxes will probably be fun this year - you'll have to file married but seperate returns unless you want to do a joint one.

I don't mean to sound mean but until you file you have no legal rights to recieve anything and he doesn't owe you anything.

File.

Well that's what he's said. He doesn't owe me anything. I don't deserve a dime. The works. And legally I'm sure he's been told that by an attorney. So who gains by dragging this on forever? We have been filing taxes together jointly, he's a banker, I think I'm a tax write off as I'm self employed and when it comes to it I don't show a lot of income with writeoffs as most businesses do so he likes that. The only reason he keeps sending the $500 per month is I think an attorney told him it'd make him look good - as I documented the year he didn't hardly see his child. A divorced man told me his attorney told him to do the same, volunteer to send child support until it was settled so he'd have more rights to the child.

Sometimes I just am not sure I'm done. Sure I miss having a nice house, the lifestyle we had and I wonder why we had to fight so much. But when I see him if something little comes up - something even petty - he seems to want to behave the old way, nitpicking and being rude to me. He just shoots his mouth off and blows my mini dream every time that we'd work it out. He's basically saying sure he'd work it out, on his terms and with him drinking and behaving the way he always did. I don't believe he thinks he did anything wrong and it was all my fault - he's never been sorry, and I've owned up to my part of our problems. He's been divorced twice before so it's apparent that he is fine with the way he is - and although he is disruptive at home and at work - he's been fired twice in our five year marriage - then he just moves to a new town or relationship. Now he's 50 years old and he's in a bit of a bind - it's not as easy for him to just get the next job - he's been trying and he's not rich enough to get the young girls, nor cute enough. It's true I'm at the point where I'm disgusted by him. I was just "trying" to see his side of the "child support" issue and how I "don't deserve a dime."

I'm beat. I don't even have the energy to get a new attorney. Not now, I"m going away a month this winter to be with my mom in a warm climate, with my boy. I'm going to have a sun tan. I'm going to lose the extra 10 pounds. I'm going to be happy a few more months before the real battle begins. And I've been told with a control freak - you start to really divorce them, and I've already seen it - they could care less about their child, about helping financially, but all of a sudden paperwork is filed and the fight is on. I can see it with him, an attorney said a guy like that won't see his kid a year or two then he'll wage a major custody war. He's said he'll do it, he's showing up every few weeks now because a divorce was on file. I don't know if it still is. But I do think that attorney was right, he was above the law until he took me seriously that I'd divorce him and if he wasn't seeing his child or paying, and lived in another state, I'd take his rights away too.

Horsey,

Just to answer you first question. You leave him, you take his child far enough away that he must fly to see him. You talk about taking the child presumably further away for a few months and then you wonder why men have a bit of a problem with child support.

The boy is his, isn't he? Now I am sure you are going to tell me all sorts of terrible things about your H and the boy's father. But, the fact that YOU removed the boy from the father's life unless he flies to see him, is NOT going to engender kind or nice thoughts.

Let me put it to you this way. IF he took your son from you and moved to where it was very difficult for you to see the child, would you be a happy camper? I doubt it. How would you try to control the situation? By any means at your disposal. It seems that your H has chosen money. You might have chosen guilt, screaming, whatever.

Are you surprised? You should not be. You would do the same.

No advice just an attempt to shed some light on your question.

JL

Oh, yes I could tell you the bad about this man, like how he pushed and shoved me with a baby in my arms in arguments. And yes I was yelling, screaming at him for not helping, sitting in the basement drinking night after night ignoring both of us as I was working and visiting my dying father, quite exhausted. I moved five hours away to the other part of the state, then he moved to another state after that. He didn't come see his child but once even during the year I moved within the state. He was welcome too and I was disgusted for my boy that he didn't. He claimed he couldn't afford it, he's a banker making 100k per year. It's a boy, his only son. I guess he knew he could hurt me by not "helping" with what he called my child even when I drove to his house for him and he refused to watch him more then a day because it was "babysitting." Yes I can tell you about this man and what he did to us. We didn't have anything, I didn't go back for furniture. I slept on a matress on the floor with no furniture. He was forced to go to counseling, he was angry, it was all my fault, I don't think the man considered his contribution to the problems we had. That's typical of men who are abusive, they've never done a thing wrong. But you are right, these days I am seeing my own contributions a little more - obviously I was a part of this mess I was there. I didn't make things better but worse. I could have quietly left him rather then constantly fighting with him. I could have left him in the basement drinking and just admitting I was a single mom with no husband or father at the worst time in my life. I could have continued to quietly resent this man that wanted a baby so much and wouldn't lift a finger to help me. I could continue to resent him more as my boy is now 2 and is "fun" and easy. It appears that "some men" don't consider babies their job but they sure want to play ball when the time comes for that. I wasn't the one who wanted a child, I sort of did but not like him. I love my boy, wouldn't trade him for the world but knowing this there's no way I'd ever have done this, ever. Not without help and support. I don't know that I would do the same with the money as you say - it's called the law and he has not only a legal obligation to this boy, "if" he wanted the marriage to work again, he would have done things differently rather then refusing to support his child. To this day he whines about us getting back together - that's after a year of not seeing his child but a few times, refusing child support, fighting the most he could when I did file a divorce, continuing to criticize and belittle. Great way to get your wife and child back... stupid.