My wife is angry at someone. Let me define this anger for a moment... She hates, detests, lothes, can't stand, despises, etc... this person. My wife takes everything this person says as a jab towards her. She takes everthing this person says in the worst possible scenario mode. I could keep going but you probably get the point.

I don't like this person either. But I don't always look to the worst possible scenario all the time. I don't take what they say and take it all as mean, rude, disrespectuful, etc...

My wife is so pissed off about this. She get's even more pissed off because I am not pissed off and angry like she is. She is upset now because I don't see this other person as badly as she see's the them. Regardless of how I feel, percieve, or my opinion on the subject, if I don't get angry with her, agree with her on every aspect of her emotional hatred for this person, then I am against her and taking up for the other person.

Is there anything I can do to get her to see that I am my own person with my own personality and I percieve things differently than she does sometimes... that I have my own opinion of things... that I'm not her, I'm me.

Or am I just all wrong in my way of thinking?

I hope you're still reading here, John.

You are a human in a human marriage. What your wife feels, thinks, perceives and believes is hers. You believe you are causing her anger by not feeling, perceiving and believing as she does. And you want to make her see something...which you can't. You're human.

You are both enmeshed. This isn't about a person...it is about you both not being two complete, whole human beings together as partners...becoming one isn't taking on the responsibility for what the other thinks, feels, etc. It is knowing and sharing your own stuff. And acknowledging, validating and knowing her stuff.

"Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend is a terrific book. Like a floor plan to a thriving marriage. So is Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs". Learning how to agree that you disagree comes from listen and repeat. Respecting you are two separate and equal human beings, capable, whole and complete. Marvelously made.

On this website, you can read the four rules of marriage...one of which, Policy of Joint Agreement is where you POJA a solution to actions and behaviors...not your own stuff.

Is your wife asking for both of you to disassociate with this person? This person may be crossing her personal boundaries...or she may have her boundaries around this person. Better to understand first that to solve before understanding.

If eliminating this person from your lives is what your wife wants right now, would you consider terminating contact?

Have you checked your own perspective? "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans really opened my eyes to a lot of stuff I had no idea was abusive...and this person may be doing some of things...which is disrespectful...and you won't know it if you can't see it.

Does this person make judgments, similar to your wife's? This person may be defining others, which would greatly anger your wife because that's what she does...you may not define others...so it doesn't hit your radar at all. Get to know what you don't know now...to understand this isn't about anyone being bad, wrong or defective. It's about knowing ourselves better.

Honor your wife's anger...not to solve, but to truly understand. Marital Counseling (MC) would be a great place to share safely...doesn't sound like you feel safe to share your stuff, and I can't tell if you're safe to share her stuff. If you take it as your own, something to make her see, change, know or understand...which you can't...then there's the normal math involved...each of you are half the marriage. You both count. You've got your stuff and she has hers. Knowing the stuff is the first step. Learning to communicate safely is intimacy.

Learn "I" statements, "I perceive you want me to feel the same way you do about this person. I don't. I don't like this person because..."

Sharing isn't telling someone what to think, feel or believe. It's not defining who people are...it's intimacy.

Your own stuff.

Worth sharing.

"I do not have the power to solve your feelings. I hear you are feeling great anger, pain and fear right now, is that correct?"

That's respectful and truthful. Good to know.

And it is.

LA

Well, since we're on the subject...

I have a similar situation with my wife. The problem is, the people she's upset with are married friends of ours. He is my mentor and best friend, she and my wife have been sort of friends, sort of in a discipleship relationship (but not really) since 2000. Short story, they have said things to her that she is very unhappy with, to the point of leaving the church over it (they're also pastors at this church). I firmly disagree with leaving, but this isn't something we can just 'agree to disagree' about and move on. She feels like she has done the Biblical thing by going to them and speaking with them about how she feels, but that hasn't resolved anything, and she's unwilling to take it a step further (other than leaving the church for another one).

Any input?

Personally I'd tell you to side with your wife. That doesn't mean you have to share your wife's feelings, but if she has a problem with these people you should acknowledge it and respect that. You can find a new church and pastors you can learn from, but hopefully this will be your one and only wife.