My husband recently posted us on a swinger websight without my permission.. after finding out I was humilated by the picture he had of me on there so he changed it from a half naked pic to a pic of me and him. So now my face is on there. Anyway he got to talking with a woman on there he was all about the whole thing that it was a way to make new friends and that was what these people were wanting too they have been in the swingers circles for 12 years! they live in our hometown so we had dinner with them a couple times. When my husband asked me about her husband I told him that I was not interested in him or anything to do with that lifestyle. And of course he got upset that I did not want to sleep with this man.
Well long story short my husband and the other wife have had a "friendship"" going on via the internet for about three months .. she started flirting with him.. then it came down to my husbands b-day he started making suggestions that I should tell this woman he wanted to sleep with her for his b-day. I told him that it was his decision to make .... that I was not interested in it but if that is what he wanted it was up to him.
I guess I was stupid she had said to him that her and my friendship was worth more than them sleeping together.. she called his cellphone 170 times in one month she called me twice. He had started to come home from work, on the couch with his laptop and chat with her till bed.
I gave him the option to do what he wanted and to make his own decision about it!
And after 16 years worth of marriage he decided to sleep with this other woman!
But of course now he is turning it around that I should have told him NO that he could not do this. He has told me that I played a game with them and I lost.
So basically saying that I should have told him no and that this is my fault for not doing that!
I honestly thought that if he really thought about it the lifestyle finding people on the internet to have sex with and the clubs that they go to with sex with strangers while her husband watches that and the 16 years of marriage would stop him... but it didn't!

I am totally lost on this! Any one else out ther have any advice!

What a mess.

Is your H still having an A w/ this woman?

~ Marsh

He states they are friends that is what she was in this for friends! He is still talking with her on the internet but he is not when he is home... he says that she is now afraid of me but still wants to be my friend!
He says that this will not happen again..but I am not sure if that is the truth I was lied to through out this whole thing.

Truthfully, you should have been honest about your feelings. When he asked you how you felt, you told him it was his decision to make. You "gave him the option" to make his decision and he made it....and now you are surpised by his decision! Sorry, I agree that if you did not want him to it, after he asked for your permission, then it is your fault. You GAVE HIM PERMISSION. Next time, don't give permission if you don't want him to do it.

The problem now is that he is having a full-fledged affair that needs to be stopped. Is he willing to cut off all ties to her and have complete No Contact? Now the situation should be treated as an affair and move toward recovery, using the MB principles.

You're going to have to bust this A up. Is there anyone you can expose this too? His family? Her family? Church?

You need to learn that it's OK to say no. Which is what you should have said when he first posted your pic on that site. And you should have said no when he asked you to go out to dinner. And you should have said no when he was talking to her and e-mailing her. And you should have said he!! no, when he asked you if he could sleep w/ her.

You're going to have to stretch and grow as a person....you're going to have to learn what boundaries are.

I'm sorry your in this situation.

You've come to the right place.

Keep posting.

~ Marsh

Yes in hind sight I should have not been so stupid to think that people actually go on those sights to find friends! We did discuss it and I told him that my opinion was if you do things like that something is VERY wrong in a marriage and then he does it.
He told me that I should have told him no, but my feeling at the time was he needed to make his own decision on it because I would have said no then it would have been the only reason he didn't do it was because I said no and not because our marriage was enough to keep him from doing it.

He tells me that I am to blame for it that I set him up and that she is a good person who only wanted to be friends with me.
I am not sure what to do or where to go... he does not go to church.. really don't think he would care if his family knew and her husband is into this with her. They have a 18 year old daughter and I have a son who is 15 and a daughter who is 20. I would never want the children to find out but if I can not work this out they might have too.

I will keep posting!
Thanks

If you want your marriage you're gonna have to fight for it.

And that means you must expose this to whoever might help to break up this A.

Including your kids. Don't tell him you're going to do this...just do it!

You need to bring this A out into the open so it can be exposed as the sleazy thing it is!

This really sucks. Usually you can get the other spouse to help you.

Have you read up about Plan A?

~ Marsh

I did but I am not really at a point right now where I want to let the kids be exposed to it. I do take responsibility for letting this happen! I should have stopped it and now I have to learn to deal with it!
I will read more on the plan A. I am actually at work and we are being told to go home early!
Thank you and I will check back with you and update you...
Have a happy holiday!

Actually, I can appreciate your point of view. Perhaps the problem was with your delivery and not necessarily your view.

When my husband comes up with a hair-brained idea, I of course do not call his idea hair-brained (that would be disrespectful) Instead I say something like, "Honey, I know you love me-- and in my heart I know that you will make the right decision--that you will do what is best for all of us. You always do." That sort of thing usually does the trick.

CD & Pieta:



Hold on with that! This is the side speak that never answers the question.

I do not believe that CDPD gave permission to her H to get into swinging. The Marital Rewrite.

You have to be clear with the harebrained ideas. This indirect disapproval will be driven thru with a Mack truck and you will be wondering like CD what happened.

So the problem is delivery, not the view.

Spouse about to go Wayward: "Dear, I want to sleep with the person on the swingers site, what do your think?"

Spouse about to be betrayed: "Honey, I know you love me-- and in my heart I know that you will make the right decision--that you will do what is best for all of us. You always do."

How about this instead: "I am really not comfortable with that. The harm that could come to our M from this bad activity could take years to fix."

It ain't hare-brained unless it is called hare-brained. And it isn't disrespectful.

How about NO WAY BUDDY.

CDCP,

You can Plan A, if he won't stop the affair. Your husband sounds sort of like a cake-eater to me, and a little passive-agressive. He is blaming you for his bad behavior. It isn't your fault that he did what he did - he knew you didn't want him to do it, and just because you didn't come out and say "no" doesn't mean that "no" wasn't communicated. Don't let him play that game with you.

On the other hand, you can always play his game. I once gave this advice. Announce that you are going to stop having sex with him. Put up a picture of OW in the bedroom, heck, make it shrine! When he asks what it is there for, say, "Well, since there are three of us in this marriage, I figured she needed a place here too." Then tell him that when he is ready to have no contact with her, you will be ready to resume SF, take it down, and start rebuilding your marriage. Until then, sleep in the guest room.

Might get his attention.

SB