ok, if you guys know me you know that recently the custody battle finished with me getting placement and a majority of the time with the kids. Ex gets 2 weekends a month and 2 weeknight overnights. (which, the way his work schedule is, he sometimes doesn't even take the visitation he gets)

ex lives with ow, has since last year when he left. i fought hard to keep kids away from ow and did a good job until he pulled this custody crap. since he lives with ow and they (or should i say, SHE) just bought a house, so the kids would have their own rooms, etc.. i could not stop him from having them there overnight, etc.. (long story)

anyway, in the custody agreement, HE picks them up at the beginning of his visitation and I pick them up at the end of it. well, this morning he texts me and says "ow is on her way home form work, will pass by your road, can she pick up kids on her way home? thank you" (he has them from 8am today til tomorrow) ex was home at his house mind you, apparently just thought it would be more convenient for ow to get them. i responded "it is not her responsibility, it is yours.in the agreement YOU are supposed to pick them up not her"

now, am i being a b*tch here? i mean yes, ow lives with ex, they may well be together for a while and kids know that. she is in the "picture" and i know she takes kids places without my ex. BUT, the kids want to see their dad, not her. (they do get along with her, that is not an issue, although she lied to them and said she never hooked up with my ex until AFTER me and him split up. I corrected that lie) Bottom line is, he was warm and cozy at home and didn't feel like getting his [censored] out in the cold to come and get them when she was going to be driving by.

1. i feel it is not her responsibility to get them it is his
2.i don't want them alone with ow anymore than they have to be
3.why should i make HIS life easier by allowing ow to come and get them?
4.i think he has a lot of nerve even asking if i mind if she does!

now, if there was an emergency like he could NOT come to get them i might allow her to, but again, if he is not available to get them when he is supposed to have them then i don't think the kids should go until he is.

opinions....
mlhb

I think you're being reasonable and agree completely with why you don't want her picking them up.

Heck, she already nabbed your husband. Why would anyone think you'd feel comfortable handing your kids over to her?

An attorney told me custody battles are always between two women more then a woman and her ex. Reading this gives me the shivers actually as I've thought of what I'd do, my ex moved to another state but the fear in the back of my head is him spending summers with a live in girlfriend. I know my ex won't marry again, he's done that three times now, it'll be a live in influencing my child and what can one do? Is she enjoying playing step mom? Do your kids like her? If it was me I'd likely be a real b*tch about it, but I suppose you have to think about your kids - you don't want them to see you throwing fits, and if your husbands little lady enjoys playing mom you'll be seeing her for a along time now. Someone once warned me to be friends with this woman in my future that now doesn't exist - but will if I continue my divorce - as you want her to treat your kids well when they are there. To be adversarial to her could make it worse wouldn't it? Whew.

I don't think so.

Seems kind of petty IMO. Does it really matter ? She's going to be with the kids anyway.

You aren't helping your kids by promating an adversarial relationship. You want her to treat them nicely don't you ? You just gave them both a reason to slam you to your kids - I hope that they don't.

the kids would tell me if i get slammed in front of them, and in our custody agreement if they do that they are in big trouble. BIG. Like he could probably kiss his visitation good bye.

i agree that it probably is petty, and maybe after more time has passed and i have been able to, in my heart, truly forgive, i probably would not have such issue with it. you have to no my ex tho too. he is a TRUE narcissistic sociopath and when you give an inch he takes a mile. i guess the bottom line this morning was, too bad if it was cold out, get your [censored] out of the house and come and get your children, so sorry if it is an inconvenience for him, but that is how i feel.

but i appreciate the input and opinions. like i said, once more time passes... i know i would never ask someone else to get my kids, not a friend, not a live bf (which i do not have by the way), no one, they are MY responsibility.

mlhb

How about my mom's strategy since you've done enough fighting with your ex? My mom's a good Christian - she said extreme kindness to one's enemy is like putting burning coals on someone's head - to treat them with generosity when they don't really deserve it. My husband was such a pig to her once when we met up at the family cabin, he drove up in a hot sports car to see our son, didn't even acknowldge her. I saw the way she did a little stomping just wanting to do what we'd do - treat him poorly in return. Instead she "killed" him with kindness. She even sent him a thank you letter after the weekend and the guilt was amazing - he even mentioned to me, how could she have sent such a nice letter when he treated her like that (he admitted it was half purposeful as he knew she was at the point of wanting me to divorce him). A preacher once said to just look at my mom, she's an amazing woman so filled with wisdom, partly because she grew up in a family so filled with strife. If this strategy "worked" to get through to my husband who has the thickest skull in the universe maybe it's not a bad one. Work with the woman and your husband for the sake of your kids. "Kill" them with kindness. Thank the woman for picking them up and helping out. Move past the divorce and get on with being parents. This woman is going to majorly influence your children it appears, she's a part of your life - and befriending her even if you don't want to might be the only way. If you make her mad and resentful your ex and her will win because the kids are going to see this play out. Maybe they like her, maybe they don't... but they are going to be watching how this plays out.

i do not disagree with you and my father and, actually, my ex mother in law, have actually said the same thing to me. the "hot coals" thing and all. I guess it is difficult because in the past when i have been nice to ex, or even to ow, it has come back to bite me in the a**

for example, last year i let ex come to house to spend xmas morning with the kids (would not allow him to have kids at ow's apt at that time and i was justified in doing so at that time, it was as per the kids counselor they not go). anyway, i stayed out of the way, took pix of him and kids together, was very nice. spent weeks with the kids helping them make gifts for their dad (mind i did not get even ONE gift that he had the kids get for me, of course) let him stay for several hours and enjoy xmas morn with kids.

Two weeks later he is kicking in my front door, shoving me against the wall of the house, every expletive coming out of his house, ALL IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN, i had to have him removed by the police. all of this over the fact that the mortgage payment was late! can you say "anger issues"??

stuff like that is the reason why i have a hard time being nice, because he is an unstable freak and one never knows what the ****** he is gonna do. there is a restraining order in fact. so...... (in the order we can communicate for the sake of the kids) and she has sent me some pretty nasty emails degrading me, etc... i had to block her from my email.

understand why it is hard for me to be nice and move past this???

mlhb

I've been in an abusive marriage where I was pushed and shoved. We women who have been abused tend to have some problems of our own - I can say for myself at least. Men who've been abusive use it against us when we react with anger and agression ourselves. We don't do this because we want crazy lives some of it's self defense obviously. I'm not a fanatic like my mom but sometimes I find wisdom in Christian readings. Joyce Meyers has a book I actually bought about how to heal from abusive relationships, she grew up abused and was in a bad marriage so she's a good role model. As abused women we are filled with so much anger, with resentment, we are harboring bitterness - you have your reasons as your husband was a pig. So was mine. But when I've thrown it back at my husband it seems to be something he's thrived on - it allows him to point the finger at me and say "see how you are" with "that" look on his face that I'm sure you'd recognize on your ex's. If he's an unstable freak then the strategy of being argumentative is going to make him more of a freak. These guys don't want to look at themselves they want to point the finger at us. If we can watch our own actions so they can't it's helpful.

If we can somehow heal from this, forgive them if they deserve it or not - harboring such anger and resentment is so unhealthy. Being "nice" doesn't mean they'll walk all over you, it's being nice with boundaries. No he can't come to your house and bash the door down. At least he's with her and will likely be more apt to leave you alone as far as violence goes. I'm not saying we women "provoke" at all - if anyone told me that I'd be steamed. I was in the type of marriage I'd never dream of, I didn't ask for any of this. I just wish I could have found ways to better control my own "reactions" to him. He only won when I lost control, over and over again. Now I'm trying so hard to keep my cool with him, to not respond when he picks at me - look at how he made such an effort to pick at my mom to feel powerful, it was pathetic and shows you what kind of man he is...

You have kids with this man, you'll have to somehow co parent so that your youngsters suffer as little as possible over this. If he degrades you, don't stoop to his level. Maybe it's extreme to throw in words of kindness but let him see you go about your business. That is what will drive him crazy, not you having arguments over the girlfriend picking your kids up. If he's a true control freak he'll try to control you through the kids - if he can't control you and you've stood up to him this much he'll especially try some tactics. Perhaps he shot you the email just thrilled that it would ruin your day. And it did. That gave him power. Try not to let him have that kiind of power over you. Pick your battles, is this one worth battling over? If so then in a calm, rational way confront him - or somehow with the help of a mediator address some of these parenting issues.

I hope you find some peace. I'm with you - I'd be quick blast the man and the girlfriend both - but I'm trying to change and get on with my life. When it comes to "this" in my life, and I'm sure it will - dealing with a girlfriend I'm going to try for my little boy's sake to make the best out of situations I don't appreciate... I want him to look up to me, I want him to learn how to communicate in a rational way - and I don't want him repeating some of my own faults like my awful temper to others.

The OW in my sitch doesn't drive, but she does accompany my ex every time he comes to get the kids, and hugs and kisses them in front of my house.

I know she does this to get at me, and it really did, for a long time.

What really annoys me is that she has started co-signing the letters that my ex sends regarding the children. As if she actually has some kind of legal say in their welfare!

I find that the OW is pushing and pushing, and I am giving way and giving way. Frankly, I don't think there is anything else I can do. The laws in my country don't allow you to keep your kids away from the OP - mine were visiting at OW and WH's house before we were even divorced.

Half the time, I want to battle her, and half the time I wonder what the point of fighting is. My marriage is over. The OW is a sad and deluded person, but she is nice to my kids. She and my ex will probably be together for some time to come.

I totally sympathise with your situation. Although for my own sanity in mine I have to stop fighting this battle, because I can't win it. The OW's petty pretentions to motherhood really aren't that important. My kids are.

{{{mlhb}}}

Alph.

thanks everyone, and happy thanksgiving! i am thankful that in a few hours i get to go and pick up my little ones and have them with me for the holiday. an extra blessing since ex was supposed to have them today according to our agreement but so sad, he has to work.... and he didn't try to get the day off... so they are with me! woo hoo!

i guarantee he will do what he did last year. last year he lied and told the kids he could not have any time with them on thanksgiving, went into work, got an early out, and spent the holiday with ow over his own kids. he will do that again this year i am sure. HIS loss and MY gain.

mlhb

No I don't think you are being petty and I can understand your concerns.But in a way how do you enforce only the ex picking up and dropping off? I'm in the same situation a little,not exactly.Now that the OW has been accepted she will no doubt be around more than I like as in going to see my ex IL's,etc.

I hate the fact that she is even around the kids at all but I have no choice in the matter,I can only express my feelings about it.And every inch I gave my ex was always met with his usual antics and selfish behavior so I try very hard not to contact him except on really important issues/holiday/visitation issues.As before the D there isn't anything I can do to keep that person away from my kids unless there were some issue of abuse or drugs,etc.

The biggest thing now that I try to maintain control of is that the OW never,ever be near my home,not for pick up or anything.It's really important to me since I don't want her residue on my property.She has my former husband,now my IL's,my kids are around her but I'll be darned if she gets to be near ME or my dog! I still struggle with wanting to punch her lights out but I'm not that type of person.I still get mad sometimes though that I have to endure this still.And I am mad that the OW makes me have feelings in my heart like this.That is a long road for me to reconcile and I'm still working on it,it's much better though.

You are right that it's your ex's responsibility but don't the exws's always shirk those responsibilities when it's convenient for them?

when i told him it was his responsibility he did come and get them. i am sure he was NOT happy about it, but he knows the agreement says HE picks them up and I go and get them at the end of visitation. She is not allowed on my property. I have already told my ex if she sets on foot on it she will be removed by the police. she has been in the car when he has done drop offs and pick ups but she NEVER gets out of the car.

that is how i enforce that!
mlhb

Lol.I've thought of that too only I try to picture what I would tell the police once they showed up.Might not go over well! My ex did drive the OW's car up on my drive once and that was not ok.It precipitated the "No OW on my property" rule.I felt violated when he did that.

Anyway,

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

considering my ex broke up ow's marriage and ow was married to one of our local cops... it is NOT too hard to enforce! LOL

same to you! happy holidays
mlhb

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving and can find some peace. I've been reading a great Joyce Meyers book called Beauty for Ashes. Actually it's not just her book, I have a new strategy of keeping positive and inspiring books by my bedside so that when I go to bed at night, I at least end the day with peaceful thoughts. This Joyce Meyers book is very inspiring because she was abused. She emphasizes that no matter what we've been through we can find peace. Worrying and fighting can make us sick, mentally and physically. Yes you have legit concerns and the OW is something that would push anyone's buttons. But you don't have a whole lot of control, the laws are what they are. You are consumed by this and it'll eat you alive if you let it. It's so hard to seek peace, to meditate, to try to stop the cycles on our own end. Looking back I can see how I was "a part" of my marriage problems, no I didn't ask for abuse, and especially not to be shoved and bruised. But if I could have somehow maintained control myself - the situation wouldn't have escalated as it did. Maybe you can focus on your end of this, trying to keep yourself from escalling, controlling your temper and spite. My experience with a control freak is that confrontations done in a vicious and out of control manner only make them worse. Most men who abused were hurt themselves growing up, they are repeating patterns. They resent authority or anyone telling them what to do (that can be the same for those of us who were married to such men). So if we start hammering on these guys with rage and anger - they explode much, much more then a "normal" guy would raised in a normal home. It's easier said then done - to try to maintain control when someone pushes your buttons - and if they know they are doing it or not they are typically purposefully pushing our buttons. It excuses them - because when we lose control they can blame us. In this situation the more out of control you are the more he's telling the OW and your kids, see how SHE is. Your kids are watching this, so is this OW. Do whatever you have to do when you feel like losing it - count to ten, walk the block, vent on this site - but when we ourselves cry victim but strike out with cussing, screaming and spite we aren't making things better. Fire with fire explodes. I hope you didn't take this wrong, I'm partly preaching to myself as I have a tendancy to throw fire on fire - and I know all about explosions believe you me...