ok, if you guys know me you know that recently the custody battle finished with me getting placement and a majority of the time with the kids. Ex gets 2 weekends a month and 2 weeknight overnights. (which, the way his work schedule is, he sometimes doesn't even take the visitation he gets)

ex lives with ow, has since last year when he left. i fought hard to keep kids away from ow and did a good job until he pulled this custody crap. since he lives with ow and they (or should i say, SHE) just bought a house, so the kids would have their own rooms, etc.. i could not stop him from having them there overnight, etc.. (long story)

anyway, in the custody agreement, HE picks them up at the beginning of his visitation and I pick them up at the end of it. well, this morning he texts me and says "ow is on her way home form work, will pass by your road, can she pick up kids on her way home? thank you" (he has them from 8am today til tomorrow) ex was home at his house mind you, apparently just thought it would be more convenient for ow to get them. i responded "it is not her responsibility, it is yours.in the agreement YOU are supposed to pick them up not her"

now, am i being a b*tch here? i mean yes, ow lives with ex, they may well be together for a while and kids know that. she is in the "picture" and i know she takes kids places without my ex. BUT, the kids want to see their dad, not her. (they do get along with her, that is not an issue, although she lied to them and said she never hooked up with my ex until AFTER me and him split up. I corrected that lie) Bottom line is, he was warm and cozy at home and didn't feel like getting his [censored] out in the cold to come and get them when she was going to be driving by.

1. i feel it is not her responsibility to get them it is his
2.i don't want them alone with ow anymore than they have to be
3.why should i make HIS life easier by allowing ow to come and get them?
4.i think he has a lot of nerve even asking if i mind if she does!

now, if there was an emergency like he could NOT come to get them i might allow her to, but again, if he is not available to get them when he is supposed to have them then i don't think the kids should go until he is.

opinions....
mlhb

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If you are divorced and he is living with her, I can't see how it makes any difference at this point.

I figure that getting along is more important that being right at this point in time. He can hold you to the letter of the agreement too, and that may come back to bite you later on.

Please know - I understand your feelings, and why you want to keep them from time with OW, but you are going to be interacting with him for a long time. Why make it difficult?

SS

it is hard for me to turn my children over to another woman, one of THE ow... i don't mind turning them over to their father, but her? it is very hard. esp when they just fought in court to try and take the children AWAY from me and raise them as their own!

it is NOT easy, this road...

mlhb

mlhb.... I agree with you and am doing the same, fighting hard to be the steady force behind the development of my children. I believe even after remarriage they are your and his kids and he needs to there for them. You should remind him that actions like this will hurt the kids as they will think they aren't good enough for the their father to pick them up, but instead mom's replacement will be picking them up.

I would actually encourge you to stick with the written agreement for now. If he is supposed to pick them up, then he needs to do it. If he starts making arbitrary changes now, it will only escalate from there.

Him being responsible, and picking up his own children, is good for the kids. and after all, that is what this is all about. it is not about you - or him - it is about the kids. they may get along with OW, but I am sure they still look forward to seing their Dad, and he just needs to get into the routine of picking them up like he is supposed to. Starting a routine that the kids can count on. Is that inconvenient for him? Tough poopy. Divorce is not convenient for anyone.

I see no problem with what you are doing.

Of course, I wish you had gotten the deal I did. My custody deal, which gives me most of the time, states:


Thank God for the Commonwealth of Virginia!!

I don't know that I'd say you're being a .itch, but I don't think you're dealing well with the reality of what is.

In my view the best possible outcome of having the OW involved with your kids is her treating them well. Bottom line.

Though I lived with suspected infidelity, never confirmed, I get more & more confirmation as time goes by. All circumstantial but pieces building a more complete picture.

Honestly, I'd hurt myself more if I were to fight what is. ex moved in with gf two weeks after the D was final. He'd introduced the kids to her about two or three months after he moved out. I ask my boys if she is nice to them, they say yes. They seem to enjoy her family & have been graciously included by them from what I understand.

Do I like to think of her interacting with my boys, this woman who quite likely had a huge impact on the break up of my M & why our "recovery" was fake? NO! But who do I hurt by being a .itch about the smaller stuff? Me & possibly my boys. Pick your battles as there likely many to come.

Earlier this week my youngest, 11, said to me "You really should get to know gf better, she's really nice, I'll bet you'd like her." Believe me when I tell you it took great effort to not spew what I did think of her. What purpose would it have served?

The oldest, 15, & I have discussed what I think happened. The youngest asked me when we first separated (yeah, at first we called it that) if I thought "dad had gf while you were still married. I told him I didn't know but suspected he might but only his dad could answer that question.

Time will tell what's what & kids will get it on their own.

i think i just really need to continue to pray about it.

i just feel they are his children and his responsibility not hers.

i have so much i feel i need to work on... i am TRYING to pray and forgive these 2 narcissistic sociopaths who have no problem destroying families and marriages, who stroll through our small town hand in hand completely proud of eachother and their relationship. i know i need to forgive and let go and i am having a REALLY hard time doing just that.

ow is nice to my kids as far as i know. my kids have never complained about her. i think she likes to play mommy with them. (she is actually not even old enuff to be their mother unless she had them when she was about 16, nice huh?) but, she did lie to them and told them she never got involved with their father until after he and i broke up. i corrected that lie when my kids told me that.

infidelity, the gift that keeps on giving... someone on here said that once and it is so true. in fact, so true i used that statement with my ex in an email a few weeks ago!

mlhb

Don't get me wrong mlhb, I don't think you need to forgive. I'm not suggesting you find what they have done & do fine. What I'm suggesting is focus on what you can control. Don't allow their behavior to affect you.

In the grand scheme of things his GF picking up the kids for the sake of convenience makes sense. You don't need to like that or find it easy to hand your children over to her, but what good will come of you getting him to pick them up instead? It will cause animosity which will come back to bite you in the [censored].

Deal with the smaller things with grace & calm & it's likely the bigger stuff will be met with less resistance & anger. You do this for yourself & your kids. By getting mixed up in the smaller things you keep yourself tied to your ex in a way that makes it harder to move on, IMO.

mlhb - I would have your attorney write him a letter, and ask him to pick up the children. If that doesn't work, and OW is picking them up, drop them off with a neighbor.

The affair will end, but you need to protect yourself from these two crazies. Your husband has the sensitivity of a rock.

Okay. I am going to disagree with the opinions regarding "making nice" with the OP.

MLHB, I have a hypothetical question for you based on you years spent living and knowing your now EX WH. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were sending you Affair partner boyfriend by to pick up the children from his home what would he say or do?

Depending on how you answer this is you answer IMO.

Personally, the OM had better never show his face to me at any time or place, no other explanation needed.

MLHB,
I totally agree with you! I WOULD be FURIOUS if my x's OW, now wife, were to pick up my kids. They are going over there to spend time with him, not her! It has been 3 years and I still hate the whole situation. It's all about HIM, he rarely calls the kids (they're all 3 teens now), so they feel abandoned still. Which is another reason why your x needs to make the effort to pick them up!
I don't get these Xh's!!!!!!!
By the way, I've never met his new W (OW), and hope I never have to , though realistically when one of the kids gets married I might actually have to see her face....arghhh
Stick to your guns, girl

hopeandpray,

my ex probably WOULD let a bf of mine pick the kids up! that is how twisted he is. although, not after i told him his ow can't...

but... i would not have a bf of mine, live in or otherwise, to pick up the kids because they are MY responsibility not HIS.

I would want to see them myself and pick them up myself after not seeing them for several days. But that is just me. he sees nothing wrong with his ow picking up the kids and acting like "mommy" with them. I told her one time to NEVER forget that she is NOT their mother nor would she ever be, that I am, and I would always be. grrrrrr...

not going to let this get to me anymore, it is thanksgiving and in a few hours i get to go and pick them up and have a great holiday with them. i love those 2 little ones!

mlhb

MLHB here is my continued thought on this... if you don't bring this up with the kids and only direct your concern to your attorney and ex h, then hold him to the consequences of his actions. For the kids sake means you don't draw this out in front of them, as i don't think you are. Just like any other consequences every adult has to face, you do the crime you do the time.

FYI.... my WW had me thrown in jail this week for trespassing on at our marital residence, because I was looking for our dog that she has been letting run wild for the past 4 weeks in the neighborhood. That friday I asked her if I could take the dog so it wouldn't get taken. So She was out and I didn't have the kids so I went looking for the dog, I went throughg the neighborhood then went to the house and then went into the house looking for the dog, at that time she came home. I tried to leave immediately, she tried blocking me in with her SUV, and was screaming your not going anywhere I am calling the cops. I drow on the grass and left... I had the kid that weekend and she went to the magistrate and took a warrant out on me, domestic trespassing. Luckily the cops didn't show up until after I dropped off the kids. Well because of the domestic charge I had to spend the night in jail and didn't get out until 1pm next day..... she told my 3 daughters that she was having me arrested. They flipped on her, that monday when they tried to call me and I didn't answer, they stopped talking to her...... now its thanksgiving its my holiday, I was going to let her see the kids sometime this weekend, because I have them from tue-sun. Not now. The girls and I are starting new traditions and having fun doing it.

Personally, I would have let the OW pick up the kids mlhb. First of all, you marriage is over. The OW is in you EXs life and your kids. If you want peace and your kids to be treated well by OW, I think you need to make things as easy as possible with visitation pickups. This is just humble opinion. My wife and I are both in your situation. My wifes EX husbands wife picks up her son all the time......actually more than his on father. It makes things easy for us actually. My wife hates seeing her EX anyhow. Also, my EX wifes b/f has picked up my kids before......its really no big deal. Im so over my EX and as long as my kids are safe and the person they are around treats them well......who picks them up is no big deal to me.


I say let it go......and try to have a decent relationship with your EX and his woman if at all possible.....to keep the peace.

One day, you may also meet someone and are serious with them (possibly married) and you might need that pickup favor returned.

Here is a good example that just happened a week ago. My EX was very ill (strep throat), she couldnt go pick up our kids from school, so she called me to see if I could. Well, I had clients in from out of town and I was in a huge meeting. I asked if her b/f....whom I had met, and my kids said they really liked could pick them up. He did.

Sometimes things happen, and that OP may be needed.

Now, Im only saying this if the OP is nice and the kids like them. If the OP has issues, thats a whole other story.

As far as I am concerned...OPs cant be nice. They helped destroy the children's family. And unlike the WS, they arent related to the kids.

If anyone else on this planet had caused the kind of pain to my kids that the OP and WS have, you had best believe that I wouldnt be showing them any respect...at the very least. And I would darn well protect my kids from them.

But, legally, I cant protect my kids from my WW. And if she would marry the OM, I wouldnt be able to protect them from him. That is messed up!

But, what I can do is to NEVER give legitimacy to their relationship, which is illegitimate anyway. Of course, the OM in my case is ot aroud right now. But if he was, I would never allow that relationship to be okay. Because it wouldnt be.

Never.

I'm with MM on this one. Watch these OP over time and they will show their true character.

i appreciate all of your replies..

i must think on all of this.

i can see both sides almost.

thank you

mlhb

I would let her pick up the kids. Your lawyer would most likely tell you the same thing. Your M is done and now it is time to focus on having the best possible relationship with your ex for the kids sake. I know it all seems wrong... and it is... but in reality, it really is a power play to do this. You will find yourself eventually needing flexibility from your ex... I suggest that you give him the same. He doesn't deserve it... but you do not need to feed this monster any longer.
I have an ex that by most standards was a horrible person... to the core... but I remain flexible... because it is in my child's best interests to do so. I am the custodial parent... and when need be, I flex my daddy muscles... but I pick my battles. This is not , IMO, the hill to fight over.
Best of luck to you.