I haven't posted in a while but heres the latest. My husband was/is having an "emotional" affair with a woman he built a house for. The house is done although he still has to go by there occassionally to take care of issues that come up when things arent working right. He has been treating me with respect and seems happy when we are together. The other day I was doing an errand for work and was driving back to the office and saw his truck at Starbucks and he was with her. I was furious!! I pulled up next to thm -they were sitting outside. She left immediately. I asked him what was going on-he said coffee between friends. We talked for a few minutes-told him I had to go back to work. I was so mad I called the other woman -she told me that they are just friends and he has confided in her our marital problems which before August when he told me he wanted to move out I thought everything was ok. She said that they meet for coffee a couple times a week -I told her that he says he has feelings for her and does she feel the same way-said said do you mean sexually? I said yes she said no and if he feels that way he is living in a fantasy. I sopke to husband on cell phone he wanted to meet to talk so we did. I asked if she told him what he talked about he said yes. I said that she said that he was living in a fantasy-seemed kind of shocked by that. I told him that he had to choose her or me-he said that he was willing to work on our marriage. He seems so confused-he even says he is. It's like I've read here-he is in a fog!!! I told him that I was going to call her husband and he asked me to keep them out of this-he is the one that screwed up our marriage and this is between us to work on not them. I said it takes 2 to tango. I also said I will do whatever it takes to save my family but that his actions will determine if I need to call husband.

Here are my questions:

1) Was it wrong for me to call other woman

2) I have read that you should not kepp asking about the affair -you should act happy and work on yourself but am I supposed to ignore it?

3) I know everyone will think I am stupid for not calling husband yet but do you think just the threat of it could be enough because I know he told her that I said I would

4) He will continue to have contact with her for a while due to work-how do I handle that? There is no one else at our work that can take care of these things-I work at the same company-it is a small company and he is responsible for this job.

5) We have been spending a lot more time together -go out on Friday nights and spending more time together at night during week-since I know he still has contact with other woman should I keep my time with him to a minimum or is it good to have more time together

Thanks for any and all comments - of course this is all new to me and some of it may seem like stupid questions but I feel like I am in a fog too. He did say today that he is trying to keep his contact with her to a minimum and he realizes that it will take a long time to rebuild my trust if it ever comes back.

If you have read much here, you know that threats usually don't work. It just warns them to be more careful.

Tell her H she is meeting your H twice a week for coffee, and that your H has feelings for her. I bet that will put an end to it unless she is in deeper than it appears on the surface.

Don't wait unless you are OK with what is happening.

Your H telling you to keep it between you is an warning sign that you should not ignore.

Don't warn him, or her. Just contact her H, and tell him what is going on. You can tell him to look at a phone log if he needs proof. I suspect there have been more than a few calls.

When you are dealing with an addict, you don't trust what they say and treat their responses as rational. You observe what is going on, and you deal with what the actions tell you, not with what they are saying to you.

You already know what the reality is - they have been meeting twice a week behind your back. There is no reason to believe them about it being innocent. There is every reason to act now before it gets worse.

If your H reacts with anger, you can be sure you did the right thing. That is the response most of the time when you mess with their affair, and make it hard for them to get their fix. Be preapred, don't cave in.

SS

jrobin, Back in March/05, when my WW and OM were getting serious in their affair, the OMW wanted to call me with her suspicions but did not after being discouraged from doing so by the OM who claimed that he and my WW were 'just friends'and calling me would cause needless trouble for her family.The OM left his family in May/05 and my WW left her family in July/06.I do think that exposure back then would have made a difference.

Regardless if its sexual or not, its VERY dangerous for your marriage. Emotional affairs are far more insidious then one wants to believe.

There is a damn good reason your instincts and emotions spawned anger in you. Listen to them, don't try to rationalize your H and OW's behavior into something innocent. You should take the MB steps one takes to end their affair, yes, A-F-F-A-I-R.

For starters, that means exposure to all (incl. OWH) He, not unlike you, deserves to know the truth. And then commitment to NO CONTACT by your husband ... etc. etc.

If you don't strike now, you loose the early opportunity to squelch it before it becomes a monster consuming and possibly destroying your marriage and life.

Emotional Affairs are just Physical or full blown affairs that haven't bloomed yet.

Answers:

3. No one thinks you're stupid. But, you are treating this as though its not a threat to your marriage, IT STILL IS, do not underestimate its addictive power on the two involved. TELL OW's HUSBAND. It's your duty and his right to know.

4. You be the business contact with her from here on in. You are the intermediary and communication conduit between the two going forward. NOT HIM.

Is your husband the owner of the company? If not, I seriously doubt that the owner would want his employee having an inappropriate relationship with a client.

Since you both work there, I would go to the boss and tell him what is happening. No on is indespensible which means someone else could make the call on the client.

With you working there, it seems as if this would be a great opportunity for exposure.

You really must expose to the OWH ASAP. Do not tell your husband that you are doing that. It only gives them an opportunity to tell him you are a nut job.

Do not tell your husband about this site. Do not invite him here. You will be getting advice on how to break up his affair. Don't let him on to your game plan.