Hello again everybody.

Many of you know my story. I was in the process of buying a larger house with my WW, hoping that she was actually able to see that working on the M was a good thing and wouldn't actually have anything to do with OM now that I know of it and she can see the pain it causes me and my committment to repair the M. Well, as everyone here says, you can't expect rational behavior from a WS.

Yesterday, while we were actually at the house for a foundation inspection, I intercepted a "friendly seasons greetings" email from OM to my WW on my mobile phone. Everything came crushingly clear to me. I can't buy this house without a committment from her in the form of a written NC letter. She has proven that she will continue to be dishonest with me, despite the ramifications to me, her, and our beautiful children.

Well, my strong stand opened the floodgates. Let's just say last night got ugly. She threw the whole book at me. She repeated that she wants a D about 100 times in a row. She told me I sicken her, I disgust her. She hates the way I look, the way I smell, the way I smile, the way I eat. She said she would "never f*** me" ever again. She asked what it would take for me to agree to a D? Do I need her to go spend the night with OM in order to agree to let her go? She left right before I was to pick up the kids from daycare, and said not to expect her back that night. There I was, about to pick up the kids the night before Thanksgiving, having no idea what I would tell them.

Well, thank god for anti-depressants and this site. It gave me the strength and wisdom to see what was happening (or at least what I hope was happening). Through her 2-hour long rage, I looked her in the eyes with love, and reminded myself that I need to be here for her now more than ever. I resisted all urges to hurt her back. I am breaking down her rationalizations at the same time I am asking her to give up her addiction, and she's not liking it. She desparately wants me to give her some reason to justify her actions, some proof that I'm a horrible man, or worse, a boy and not even a man, but I knew not to do so. I thought of my children and stayed strong. She accuses me of being a "12 year old boy". Those words bounce off me now as I know I have summoned more strength for the sake of my family than she will ever realize.

She called me half an hour later and asked if I would like her to pick up dinner on her way home. She returned home, we ate dinner and had a great time playing with the kids. Her ring stays on, and all her other threats seem to be empty, so I know there's still a part of her that doesn't want to give up on the M, no matter what she's saying right now.

Everyone said this would be a roller-coaster, but I didn't fully understand to what degree it would be. Now I do. We are definitely not buying the house, as I realize it's going to take all my energy to help us through this horrible time.

My question though is am I being foolishly hopeful that her rage is part of the process? She spewed such hatred at me. I know recovery is never guaranteed, but am I wrong to think that her reaction could be a natural part of the process?

Thanks everybody,

TomFool

You do not and should not tolerate this level of disrespect. You need to set some firm guidelines on how you will and not allow yourself to be treated. If she insists on being abusive... and that is what her tirade was, abusive... then you will need, IMHO, to go dark (Plan B). There is no way that these things should be said to you. I feel sorry for you... stop letting her push you around and for God's sake... do not buy that house with her. She will not respect you until you stand up for yourself.

Good job!!! I'm very proud of you. Still don't agree with buying the house - but you know that.

I didn't do as well as you. I went berzerko a couple of times. All it did was feed the affair, and my WH's justifications for cheating.

It is exremely difficult to do what you did, but you are standing for your family.

It is a part of the process.

You did great. Stay on mission.

Hi mk,

I agree that I can not tolerate abuse like this in the long run. However, I am thinking I need to expect some of this while she goes through withdrawal. It's very early to be considering Plan B IMO. It is less than 3 weeks since DDay. I am really hoping for much more time in Plan A before it goes dark.

Right now, my efforts are geared towards having my WW agree to the full MB program. I don't consider our recovery to have started until that happens. For now, I am taking my lumps with the longer term always in mind.

All I can do is hope it's not the wrong approach.

TomFool

I wish you well with this. I am going to disagree with you about this though. I would set those rules of engagement now... because what could and most likely will happen is that your WW will continue spewing venom your way and some of the things will plant great seeds of hurt. I am only suggesting that you let her know, either by your walking away until she is calm... or by telling her that you will not tolerate certain things, that you protect the feelings of love that you have for her by not letting her belittle you or abuse you.
You know best what you can tolerate. I wish you well and hope that things calm down in your household.
MEDC

Tom,

I agree you are not even close to Plan B. Her rage is completely predictable. You are severly and directly confronting her addiction and she is reacting with severe prejudice in an effort to maintain her addiction. It's flat out an attempt to manipulate you and you did a wonderful job of just allowing the words bounce off you. It's the actions that hurt; not the words. When you confront an addict and continue to pressure them they will escalate and escalate. Usually a drug addict will escalate to suicide threats whereas the wayward will escalate to threats of divorce/walking out the door. They are just words and what she's attempting to manipulate you to agree with is completely UNACCEPTABLE. So the threats are her options you have no control over.

Thats a boundary. You've built a fence around yourself. If WW wants to play in your yard she must live by the rules of decency and fidelity or leave and play somewhere else.

You are way ahead of the curve here by recognizing it's NOT YOU and realizing her words are just fog babble. I have much hope for you.

Now she did get the opportunity to break away from you and likely had a talk with OM. THATS likely what really calmed her down before dinner. She got her fix. Do they still talk on the cell phone? Maybe a pay phone nearby?? A secret cell phone???

Stay strong and resolute. When her threats stop having an effect then it becomes time to crap or get off the pot. Remember, to say "honey, I can't physically stop you from walking out that door but know that I won't ever agree to it or enable it...I love you and I want to work on our marriage but I won't share you with OM".

How much trouble have you given OM? I ask you that cause if things turn really south for you down the road one of the best ways to get the affair to end is to get OM to end it cause it's too big a hassle. In anticipation of that possible scenario you need to begin the process of making it a hassle now by exposing him and other creative non-physical measures. This may even get him to realize even just trying to be "friends" with WW isn't worth the hassle.

Mr. Wondering

Hi Tom,

Whatever you do, please don't tell your wife about MB. It will backfire. This is your safe place and support system throughout this rollercoaster ride.

Also, Harley recommends a BS never try to educate an actively cheating spouse, they resent it and is considered a lovebuster by the WS.

You did good with her anger and rage directed at you. If she can't vilify you or get a rise out of you, then she has no where to go and her anger will eventually dissapate.

Jo

Wow Jo, your post is half a day too late. I was typing a post this morning when WW asked what I was doing. I didn't want to lie. I'm tired of lies. I just want us to talk honestly. Well, we eventually read through ALL of my posts and their responses together.

We talked very openly and honestly the rest of the day. She told me more details of the A (yes, some really hurt) and revealed that the first kiss took place all the way back in Dec '05. I'm really at her mercy now. We both know where the other is. For her part, she is in mourning for the loss of what she had with OM. For my part, all I can do is continue to work on me and hope for the best.

I can't say we are in a good place, as we are not in recovery yet, but the honesty is refreshing, even if it doesn't last. After DDay, WW initially said things like "OM has nothing to do with this" and "it was barely an affair". Now at least I know the truth.

What it comes down to, and I imagine this is the case with many As, is that WW essentially decided to leave the M when she decided to have the A. She was losing her faith in me before that first kiss. But because of the COM, she thought it better to "cohabitate" with me and try to fill the missing parts of her life outside the M. In retrospect, it's obvious to me now that I was losing her long ago. But we had so many happy times too, especially as a family if not as a H and W, that I thoroughly fooled myself into thinking everything was OK.

Now, I am no longer deceiving myself. I am becoming the man she needed me to be all along. All I can hope is that it's not too late.

TF

Mrs. Tomfool,

My wife and I both post on MB. Since you've read here you might as well post too. It may seem, at first, like we are some crazed fanatical group, but we really are just a collection of individuals on BOTH sides of this crazy mess you BOTH find yourselves in that have been there done that.

Posting TOGETHER has been phenominal for our marriage and our recovery. I guarantee you that if you rack up 50 to 100 posts in the next 2 months you and your husband will be sucessfully on the road to recovery of not only your marriage but your lives as individuals. Please give it a try and see.

Mr. Wondering

Oh brother. Hands up all you BHs where your WWs did NOT say something like that...:(.



I got very much the same story from my FWW. It may partly be true, but it's also quite likely the justification they gave themselves to allow the feelings developing between themselves and the OM to turn into actions. Work on making yourself the best M partner you can be, but don't allow your WW to convince you that you were in any way responsible for her poor choices. Allowing herself to get involved in something as despicable as an A is entirely her fault.

This may hurt, but ask yourself.............what is a good reason to cheat. none.

If you were abusive,or even deadlier...neglectful, then she had the rights to seperate from you or even a devorce.

Adultry is not an option (affairs are such " nice " words).

adultry shows character, and shows how serious we take commitment. not to each other but to God.

You made a commitment before God to take care of each other.

So now that you are in this place now,what are you going to do.....blame shift.

both parties are wrong and both need to claim their own crap. How ever the thought of blaming another for dropping their pants / skirts is almost unforgivable.

Akin to stabbing someone twist the knife then say "because the knife was there and you wernt looking after me the way I WANTED i had to stab you......look what you made me do"

in short.......justification. Adultry cant be justified.

no way. no how.

on top of justification.........the "demonization" of your spouse is carried out. why? why not just walk away.....

to do that would have given any WS integrity.(without the "W").

So whatever the story is,please do not justify adultry(opps i mean "affair"), when we are still, in the blackest of night and alone.....our concience tells us, screems at us, condemn us. And we know it.

No matter the brave face we put on.

Isnt it amazing how a BS will claim their faults and a WS almost never does? nah..instead its piled onto the heap of the BS. Not good.

Yet there is always hope.

The courage it is going to take a WS to accept that this wasn't an option is incredible, yet those that do i will anyday respect far more than a spouse that has never went down that road.

why? they have been tested by fire, and came out stronger.

i pray my WW will reach this point one day.

TF, you need to change.......radically to constantly love meeting her ENs, so i have been taught. Oh yes....all spouses needs changes with time.

Meet those needs TF and NEVER take your WW for granted in the future. This can work. You are way ahead than you think.

Make her know this, if there is ever a time that you need to be a husband,it is now.

Get decent professional counciling. Seek the Harleys.

Most of all go to God. (funny how this usually clears up our concience as to what to do)

Nuff love TF and to the Misses, i wish you all the love and courage you need. You can do it .

Wonder what you both will tell your kids in 15-20 years, when you look and give each other "googly eyes"?

Dream big. claim your chit.be strong. but most of all........if you claim to have love. act on it.

Nuff luv from Jamaica.

TF, I think it is important that you warn folks that their posts are being read by your WW so they can decide to post to you or not. I won't be posting to you anymore knowing this, because we can't be of much help if your active WW is reading our posts. You are at war with an affair and you have just handed your plan of defense over to the enemy.

I echo what Melody Lane has written above, Tom. Wasn't a wise choice bringing your WW here.

God Bless,
Jo

Ouch. I had just posted in another thread what a great community this is and how important the support is for people in despair, and now I've gone and sabotaged it.

One more lesson learned a little too late, eh?

FWIW, my WW is so resigned to D that she doesn't seem to be actively reading these boards. Why should she when in her mind it's hopeless anyway. I agree you do have to assume though that she will eventually read everything that is said here, even if it's much later.

Easy fix. Clear your cookies. Change your screen name, and from here forward do whatever it takes to ensure your MB support here is guarded from your WW, and stay vigilent in doing so.

Tom, just a suggestion, you can change your screen name [got to preferences] and it will change on all your posts here so your WW can't find you as easily. I would mkae it a point to log out of here everytime you leave and erase your history so she doesn't find your posts. We don't want you to lose this forum as a resource when you need it the most.

I notice a lot of times when a man is a major conflict avoider, he brings his wife here in hopes that she will read his feelings expressed here, have compassion and things will change, instead of being direct in setting boundaries and keeping this forum for a safe place to get feedback on changing yourself and executing a marital recovery strategy away from the eyes of the wayward-under-the-influence-not-her-real-self spouse!

I think it's s dead givaway if your identity doesn't change here pretty quick that this is your hope - to avoid the heavy lifting of conflict avoidance.

Big warning - it never works. Read up on Papa's sitch if you want to see what conflict avoidance gets you!