My wife had an affair after two years of marriage.
She blames me for not treating her well enough and generally not being supportive enough.

She began an affair with a friend of mine over the internet and has since moved to his city presumably to be with him.

I have tried to maintain some dialogue with her but she is cold and distant most of the time. She won't discuss the affair and if the topic of divorce comes up she just says "if you want one go ahead".

In any case, we haven't talked now for almost a month and i'm afraid that i've allowed her too much comfort in her actions by my attempts to stay so positive and dedicated to our marriage up until now.

I'm not sure if i should initiate some contact or just let it go entirely at this point. I'm still hurting pretty badly at the loss and the betrayal and a large part of me just wants to give the marriage the best shot to survive.

The last contact (email) that we had turned into a fairly unfriendly exchange with her accusing me of trying to bully and threaten her when all that i wrote was that her continuing an affair would end in divorce.

Is there a best course of action at this point?

I read your post and couldn't help but respond.

have tried to maintain some dialogue with her but she is cold and distant most of the time. She won't discuss the affair and if the topic of divorce comes up she just says "if you want one go ahead".

That is exactly what my husband would say when I would tell him something needed to change. I would tell him that if our marriage was going to survive we needed to get into counseling. he would always respond with "if you want a divorce file". Then it was "when are you going to file" and then "how soon until this can be final" That went on for about a year. Now he seems to be interested somewhat in reconciliation. We have been going throuh the divorce for a little over a year and we are still not final. I am no longer interested in reconciliation. I am moving on with my life. I say all of this just to say. she probably really wants out. If there is hope for the relationship you might just need to follow all the advice on plan b etc. I am so sorry this is a long and painful road.

Ugh, definitely not what i was hoping for.

Anyone else have any thoughts?

I'm tempted to make contact today but i'm unsure if it's a smart move at this point.

I'm so sorry for your situation.

You should get a hold of her and tell her you don't want the marriage to end.

Tell her you still love her.

She will probably dismiss you, but at least you'll let her know what you are thinking.

Have you exposed the A to everyone? Is the OM married?

~ Marsh

After almost a month without any communication my wife emails me with this:



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Thank you for giving me some space and time.

Things are going really well out here. I love my new job so much. Its perfect for me. I cant tell you how wonderful it is to actually look forward to going to work in the morning. Its a much needed change!

The cold has been unbearable. I had no idea it could get THIS cold. We set record lows last week, it was painful. I am adapting however. I layer tons under my coat, and put on mits, hat, 2 scarves and usually wear 3 pairs of socks for my trip to work. It sucks, but Im surviving.

I will not be coming home for Christmas. I am heading over to my sisters place in XXXX to hang out with her and XXX. I'm really looking forward to it. Im sorry that I wont see you, but I think it's better that we both enjoy our Christmas with family rather than possibly ruin it by fighting. (not saying we would fight, but theres a possibility that we would and that would suck)

I can try to call you this weekend. Will you be around? Let me know a couple of good times for you and we can set some thing up. I think we should talk. Not a lot has changed for me over the last little while. I still feel no desire to come back, I feel happy where I am, and dont know where to go from here. Honestly, I love you and value our friendship, but at the moment, I cant imagine a future together. It's probably time to make some decisions about what to do next.

Anyways, Let me know when you have time this weekend and I'll call you.
XXXX

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I'm really not sure what to make of it. It sounds like she is still in the fog a little bit and still enjoying her affair. The fact that she enjoys her new job isn't going to help reconciliation one bit either.

How can she "love me and value our friendship" but not want to consider reconciliation in the least bit.

Two months ago she was making plans to return home and begin reconciliation but now she is hinting at divorce???

This is insane.

HEEEELLLP!!!!

Hey...I feel your pain...If I were you, I would read up on Plan A, tell her you love her and you want this marriage to work, DO NOT give her a divorce...if she wants it, let her do the dirty work. Implement Plan A for awhile and then start Plan B...I know this hurts.Gosh, I am there now and it really stinks...Work on you, focus on you, take care of you and just know that you are going to be OK. No matter what happens. You are going to be ok....

I definitely would not be inclined to respond to her without some sort of plan.

You haven't answered the question about exposure yet. Does her sister know that she's cheating? Is her family so morally bankrupt as to support her walking off her marriage?

I've done all the exposure that i can.

Her parents are heartbroken and her sisters disaprove but they are "supporting" her anyways. They are a mormon family also which makes it all the worse.

She feels as though she can't talk to her parents because they dissaprove (as if they are supposed to approve).

The OM is a former friend of mine, he is single, and a massive loser. SO there is little exposure that i can do there.

About a month and a half ago she sent me a text saying that she wanted to "come home to sort things out". Fast forward to today and she's back in righteous mode having done no wrong and thankful for the "space and time" that i've given her.

Jesus, this is so sick. I love her very much and am extremely remorseful of the LBs that i have been responsible for but i NEVER would have ever considered infidelity under any circumstances.

We have no children, i'm 29 years young and consider myself a pretty good catch. Maybe its time to pack it in and move on. I'm afraid that i'll live with regret for that kind of decision.

What kind of a plan should i invest in? I tried plan A but found it entirely difficult to maintain when she was treating me like dirt on her shoe.

Also, how do i effectively plan A and do a 180 when she is living 1000 kms away and rarely wants to communicate.

Sounds like your taker has finally kicked in. The question she needs to answer is what is she doing vs what she s/b doing to win back your trust.

See the A has taught you how to move forward without her. Let her know that SHE (the WS in her) has taught you that.

Make recovery her challenge, not yours. You sit back and with a clear mind and calm heart see her amend her ways or try to make you feel guilty. Don't take her guilt.

L.

She is looking over her shoulder to see if you are there.

I would not do,say, nor communicate with her.

IF A WS WANTS A D THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT WILL STOP THEM. THE ONLY COMMUNICATION YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED FROM HER WOULD BE THE DIVORCE PAPERS. By her email, she is trying to entrap you into taking on the guilt of initiating the D process.