Hi Marsh....thanks for trying to cheer me up. I'm doing a little better today.

Still can't shake it though.



But this was their reality before it fell apart. At least he thought so at the time and he chose her over me. It has made me feel worthless in his eyes.

I am so afraid that he never has and never will feel that kind of "high" with me. He'll never associate those kind of passionate feelings with me that could make a person act like he did.

I don't know for sure but I'm pretty sure he didn't tell me that he loved me after 4 wks. Then again......I did have two small children that weren't his.....so I guess I wasn't fantasy material?

I've always been a pretty confident person except when it comes to him.

Mopey,

I know this is tough to get, but if you keep reading and posting here, you will begin to understand this better.

He wasn't rejecting you b/c there was some flaw in you.

He was engaging in a soul destroying A b/c of flaws in HIM.

They were never dealing in reality.

It was all fantasy.

Not REAL.

His wacked out feelings were telling him he was in love w/ the OW, but it had nothing to do w/ real love. It was about self love. He was going outside himself to someone else in order to try to make himself feel better about himself.

I am a WS, I know my A had nothing to do w/ any defect in my BH. And I sure as he11 know the OM doesn't hold a candle to my BH. OP are always a step down from a spouse. It's just the crazy feelings screw us up so much that we try to explain them, by saying we've finally met our 'soulmate'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But, the truth is that we have stepped out of reality into the sick and twisted thinking of a WS. It isn't the person we love, it's the feelings we get from the A.

You have to look at the things he said during the A as you would a falling down drunk. They will babble on about how much they loooooooove you, but, it isn't YOU they love, it's the feeling the alcohol gives them that they love. Same thing as a WS who is deep in an A. They say and believe that they looooooove the OP, when in reality they really love the way the A makes them FEEL.




Losing my mind b/c of crazy wild feelings I had during my A wasn't what I call pleasant. I didn't like what the A was doing to me. I was happy....much happier when 'my spell' was broken and I was back in the land of the living.

Believe me, having nutty feelings for someone isn't all it's cracked up to be.



It takes between 6 weeks to 6 months to get through W/drawals, so his not saying ILY for 4 weeks is pretty normal.


Honey, don't do this to yourself. He had the A, and your beating yourself up for it. How is THAT fair, good, or healthy?

You are the real deal. He married you and accepted your kids as part of life w/ you.



Have you always felt less than confident around your BS? Or is this just since finding out about the A?


~ Marsh

I haven't got much time but I just wanted to tell you the following:

OF COURSE YOUR HUSBAND FELT THIS WAY FOR YOU TOO AND MUCH MORE!!!! Remember, he married you and he is still with you and NOT with OW!!!!!
This is the difference!! If it had been anywhere "near" to what he felt for "you" he'd be gone!!!!!!!!!!!and not with you anymore!!!!

It might help you to google the following: Chemistry of Love. You'll find alot about what happens when someone feels as if they are in love............It's CHEMISTRY and this makes things very "logical". This helped me alot to "understand" what was going on "in" my husband during his affair.

It also helps me when I think about people that once felt that they were insanely in love with one another and after a few months, they thought that they were "insane". I have a girlfriend and she fell in love with this one guy. He was a real goof and no one understood what she was thinking.SHe swore that he was the "perfect" match and that she had NEVER loved anyone like him before.She thought he was the best looking and sexiest guy on earth...............
This went on for a few months. She moved in with him and her child.(she wasn't married) and it only took about 3-4 months and she was living on her own again.
She told me that she doesn't understand what she was thinking and that she must of been NUTS!!!!!! She says.......gosh, this guy is sooooo ugly and far from sexy!!!! She's shocked about herself and cannot understand a thing............... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This happens more than you'd think it does.............

bb

Mopey,

There are things that can't be explained.

In my case, my husband says he did not love the OW at all. The A was only for sex.

Now, how am I supposed to feel about that?

He was willing to trade our marriage of 30 years for sex. Our love, our history, everything we had, for......sex.

There are times when I wish he had loved her. It would make more sense to me.

Part of my job involves the analysis of thought. There is a theory that says (this is very simplified) we try to make sense of what other people do and say by comparing it to what we ourselves might do or say in the same situation. The idea being that we ascribe our own attributes to the other person's thinking.

This is an error in thinking, because our attributes just can't be applied to someone else's thought patterns. Their emotions and ideas just are not our own.

So, it was hard for me to understand how FWH could have sex just for the sake of sex, because it is something I personally could never do. For him, he can. My error in thinking is that I try to apply my own attributes to his thoughts. Just does not work.

That's why you can't understand why he said "I love you" to someone he never met, and did so in under four weeks.

Doesn't make it easier to take, but can explain why you might never understand it. And why he might never be able to explain it to you. Because the thought patterns and attributes of two people just are not the same.


On a side note, it very possibly is because that,
also, IMHO, he was out of his ever-loving mind at the time.

SB

Probably should. I can't imagine you'd be happy about it, if he(I) were witholding stuff like this from you.

I'm trying to provide the missing pieces, but don't have all the answers myself. Please keep in mind, this was over 1.5 years ago for me. Not everything was all that memorable. Regardless of how important others think it should have been.

Luv ya hunny....

Marsh,

I just want to say what a God send you are for other BS's trying to understand how WS's can seemingly give up everything they once thought important for someone not worthy of spit.

Your insight is invaluable. Thank you.

I have been put in a position as of yesterday to make a decision, which I feel like should be made in the next few days, on whether or not I need to ask my FWH to move out. Since I am so hurt and emotional right now, I need the advice of others here very badly. Warning: long post.

My background……..My H and I have been working on recovering our marriage since D-day, four months ago. The affair actually started about 2 yrs ago and lasted about 8 wks, or so I thought, but figured out yesterday it was more like 3 ½ months.

My H abandoned me and my kids for this online EA for a woman he had never met. They had phone sex/internet sex on a weekly basis he says. The only reason it ended was because he did a background check on her and found out she wasn’t who she said she was. They never met, but he left me for her. After it ended with her, he came back to me and wanted to try again. I never knew about the OW the whole time. We’ve been back together for 1 ½ yrs since the affair but he kept it from me until I found about it, when I found one of his letters to her.

Like a typical WS, he wanted it to all go away and didn’t want to talk about it. It took about 8 wks before he started answering some of my affair questions. He didn’t think it would be healthy to talk about it. It took another month of dragging it out because I had to do it a little at a time because he resented it so much. Finally, about a month ago, he agreed to tell me the whole story from beginning to end of what he could remember. It was hurtful to hear it all ,but also was the biggest step in the healing process for me.

After the “story” was told, he promised me that he would tell me if he remembered other things about the affair. A lot of my questions had been answered with “I don’t remember” and “I don’t know”. Some of my questions he had the answers readily available. He held me while I was crying on the things that hurt me bad then he would continue. I thought this was the real beginning of my healing a month ago. I thought he really got it and we really connected.

The first two weeks after the story was told was really difficult for me because he confessed to me that he told the OW that he loved her. I have been struggling with that all month because I’m questioning his character even more than just that of someone who had an affair. He told the OW that he loved her after only 4 wks and they had never met. Makes you wonder.

Over the last two weeks I started having better and better days. I was really starting to recover and feeling enormous amounts of love for my H. More than I have ever felt in my life, period. He said he was very happy too.

Finally, my problem……I asked him yesterday morning if I could ask him another affair question and he immediately said yes. When he answered me it turned out that it was a different answer to the same question I asked him a month ago when he was supposedly coming clean. As the discussion went further, I found out he lied to me about 4 or 5 very important details. Direct questions like, (me) “Did you have phone sex with her here at our house?” (him) “No, I didn’t have the privacy here”. Yesterday I found out they did have phone sex here and found out he lied to me about other important details. It was not a case of miscommunication. He flat out lied and admits it.

He also flat out lied to me just a few days also when I asked him if he remembered anymore details and he said he didn’t. Turns out he did and lied to “protect how well our relationship was going”. His words, not mine.

A month ago I set a boundary stating our M would be over if he lied to me. I feel like if I don’t keep that boundary I’ll be disrespecting myself. He says he won’t disrespect me if I give him another chance.

He seems to be remorseful. He has been trying to meet my EN’s and has been doing a good job of it to the point of making me madly in love with him. Now he’s ripped my world apart, again, because of his lying. I’m dumbfounded. This is not a stupid man. He’s read countless posts here over the last 4 months telling me full well how he understood how important honesty is to us now. He has totally destroyed my trust in him, again.

He has been lying to me for the past month but claims he is committed and is looking forward to our future. He is upset with himself now and rightfully so. What should I do?

Please forgive me everyone.

I tried to change the title of this thread and put my latest post at the top but it didn't work so I started a new thread.

Sigh. I'm so sorry.