Was using my husbands computer and found pretty disturbing stuff. Emails back and forth between him and multiple partners. Esplicit photos of him sent to them etc. Emailed everyone on his list and one wasn't from the internet. She worked in his building, they dated for a month and she ended it for someone else. 2 website memberships atleast, contacted all of them too. About 50 women in all in one year. I had no clue. He would be at work in a IM window with me, having cybersex in another with one of them at the sametime. He says its over he is done, how can I trust that? Should I trust that? Where do we go from here? I already took away his computer (laptop) and contacted all of them. They want nothing to do with him, but whats to stop a new batch?
I told him to go live with his father, I can't stand the sight of him. Now what?

Not enough info: what does he want to do? If you told him to go, is that what you want? Was there an affair, not cyber? If there was no actual sex, I think you went to far. People here, recover even from that.

I went too far? I am the victem here. Not him, he did this. If you think cybersex with a web cam isn't "actual sex" you have issues. Sounds like you are one of those cyber cheaters trying to justify your actions. And, just because he claims not to have had sex with the woman from work doesn't mean he didn't. It was at least a 3 month affair.

I know how you feel. My husband looks at porn every chance he can and has joined mulitple sites and emailed women. I installed software and found out hes made arrangements to meet one in person. Well see if he does. I hate him so much. I wonder how long hes really been doing this. I cant stand to be around him or talk to him even and Im planning on moving out. This site has helped me feel a little better but it still hurts.

Hello:

I hope it's ok for me to post this since I am a FWS, but I thought I might offer you at least one thought as you struggle with your husband's cyber affairs and real affair. My adultery was purely in chatrooms using webcams. I never met or corresponded with any of the people I engaged in sex with and they were, for all intents and purposes, one night stands. So, what I will say is tempered by only what I know. I can't speak to anything related to the "real affair" as you put it.

First and foremost, I don't think you overreacted. Cybersex in front of a webcam may seem different from actually being in the same room as the person you are involved with, but for all intents and purposes, it's just like being there. Your husband committed adultery, cheated on you, and he must accept and repent of that. You didn't say whether you wanted to try and rebuild your marriage, but assuming you do, he has to truly be remorseful and prove it through actions in order for you to even think about healing from this very real betrayal. So, to be honest, from the way you describe it, you reacted in a reasonable manner from where I sit.

I don't know you or your husband, so I won't try and say what went through his mind as he engaged in the adulterous acts or even now, I will tell you about me. In my case, I wasn't looking to cheat on my wife when I got trapped in cybersex. I started looking at porn and eventually found chat rooms. It was never about having sex with someone else or hurting my wife. It had everything to do with masturbation being my way of dealing with stress, and there was and is a lot of it in my life. The cybersex also helped me feel accepted by someone without having to be anyone other than me. Too often, when I was actively involved in cybersex, I felt abused and neglected, so I made a very bad decision to handle my stress in a very inappropriate way.

Part of the problem with cybersex and porn is it is addictive and it also is deceptive. It's really easy to tell yourself that you are really not doing anything. After all, you're not in the same room as or touching someone; how can that be adultery or cheating? The only problem with that logic is that there is a real person on the other side of the screen you are watching and they are talking to you.

Given the number of people your husband was with, it may be that he has a sex addiction. It might be worth investigating Sexaholics Anonymous or other sex addiction sites. It was so easy for me to get trapped in this stuff that I was "hooked" before I knew it. It took disclosure to my wife and then going to SA to even begin to get me away from the addiction. It's been 15 months and God has blessed me with the strength not to go back to the chat rooms. Besides it being a betrayal of my wife and causing her so much pain, which I really never wanted, going back to the old patterns would cause me a lot of internal pain. SA teaches one that lesson. Again, sex addiction is no excuse for what your husband has done, but it may offer one possible explanation of what happened.

I am truly sorry that you are facing this. Stay strong, do not ever blame yourself for what your husband has done, and seek the healing that is right for you.

God bless.

I am the subject of this thread, I have made a terrible mistake in doing what i have done and nearly lost my family for it. I deeply regret my actions and the pain i caused.
being discovered was the end all of my infadelity, it has opened my eyes as to what my priorities are in my life.
My wonderful wife has found it within herself to give me a 2nd chance and a chance to restore my dignity and self respect. I will be the husband and father that they can all be proud of, nothing will stop me from achieving that goal.
There is a long road of recovery and healing ahead, i will be atending counceling through the church my wife and i were married in, and i will do whatever it takes to make sure my wife is happy and comfortable and that my children are raised in a happy home. My family is my world and nothing else matters!!!!
Now about the author of this thread......
She is a beutiful woman, beautiful eyes, pretty smile.
she is funny and intelligent, she is proud and strong.
the children are happy and well adjusted due to her love and attention. I am nothing without her and the kids!

I would like to thank her with all my heart for giving me this chance to be a a better husband, a better dad, and a better man, i will not let you down!!!!

I LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My prayers are with you both.

PE, this is just a thought of my own and take it for what it's worth. This link http://www.sa.org/test.php will take you to a test at the SA website. It's a test to help you decide if you simply have a problem that is easily overcome by willpower, or if maybe you have an addiction that you may need outside support with. Either way, it's an interesting test. If you want, take some time to go through it and see where you say you are in the area of sexual sobriety (little harder defining sexual sobriety than alocohol sobriety - I'm alcoholic too). Anyway, I pray the Lord will bless you both and bring you closer together than you ever thought you could be.

Wow, PE that was beautiful. Thank-you, I love you too. We will work this out.

Thank-you Jimm, some of what you said is what he has said to me, he got so wrapped up in it and couldn't stop, didn't know how. I thank you for showing me this from another cyber WS. What you have said is so close to what he has said, I have no choice but to believe. I thank-you again.

Yeah!!!!

Yeah beautiful words that meant nothing. They were all lies, he never stopped. I found out last night. And if I hadn't he would have had a full blown physical affair. He exchanged phone numbers with a woman last week and was calling and emailing her.

Yes, I took her number, yes I called at 2am and left a message on her machine. He just called me and let me know she just tried to call his cell. Said no message was left, but not sure if I believe that one.

So now, I'm done doing the nice wife, trying to fix it, bending over backwards. Now he will see the harpie he has created. Now, he is going to live up to the agreement that if I caught him again he sells his Harley, his Boat and 90% of his R/C vehicles. He wants to take away what I love most, I will do the same to him.

I told him I am done, it is all up to him to fix this now. And if he leaves, he takes his car, his clothes, the 2 dogs and the cat. And not to forget I've been a stay at home mom for 18 years, he will still have to make sure all the bills are paid.

I can't even look at him right now. I just don't know if we will make it past this.

NO! NO! NO! NO!

I have been married to a man very much like your husband for 15 years. Although the response you are giving above is normal, natural, understandable, and REAL, responding in this manner is only going to make you an enemy! If you have children with this man and are expecting monetary support from him in the future you need to rethink your plan of action. Enemies don't live up to their previous agreements and they certainly don't give you money, no matter how much you deserve it.

Take a deep breath...

First: Copy and paste your post to the General Questions forum. A lot of people there have been where you are and they can help you get through this.

Second: If you are sureyou are finished, study up on Plan B. Write out your goals for a Plan B, decide on a possible intermediary, and decide when you will go dark.

Third: Understand that a wandering spouses with your husband’s issues thrive on the drama of affairs (and I consider his behavior to be an affair) and thrive on the drama created in their aftermath. Plan B is the best method to fight the addictive qualities of the adrenaline rush that accompanies drama. Refuse to create drama, and he has no one but himself to blame for his bad behavior. Take away his toys and attempt to get him to abide by old agreements using the force of your emotions will only give him a sad story to tell himself and others. You will unintentionally enable his fog.

Fourth: See a lawyer ASAP; find out your rights, and possible support provisions given out by your state of residence regarding stay at home mothers. You need to fight his selfishness with real information, not the blunt force of your emotions. This man has already proven to you that he is comfortable and skilled at lying to you, don’t assume any agreements he makes at this point won’t be lies also. Get everything in writing! Don’t fall into the trap of thinking “Well, he won’t abandon his children or their mother” this forum is littered with the stories of betrayed spouses whose wanderers did exactly that.

Good Luck. I am still married myself, but only because I have a chronic illness and desperately need the medical insurance my WH provides me to stay alive. As such, Plan B is too great a risk for me. It’s been recommended to me by many folks, and now I recommend it to you.

Well he went to a counsler through work last Tuesday for a consult. Right off the bat she said sounds like an adiction, and could be linked to his drinking. I never realized his drinking was a real problem. I knew he drank too much, asked him to cut back, but just thought it was something he just did. No biggie, right? WRONG!!!

So the counsler set him up with someone local to our home that can work around his messed up schedule that will treat him for his adiction. They said that he needs help first, then we can work on us. We are staying together and going to work on this.

Right now he is getting a dose of reality because I'm up at my dad's 3 hours from home, helping him get his house ready for sale. Within an hour of me being away he had enough. Oh well, he has to wait till Wed or Thurs to see me again. No, he isn't alone, the kids are there, and with it being finals week, my son is off most of the week.

Oh yeah, he quit drinking. So far its been a week. I'm very proud of him. He had a major test of will power on Saturday. We were hanging out with one of his drinking buddies. Everyone was drinking, I even had a beer, I'm good for one a month. And he didn't crack, I could tell it was getting to him, but he stuck to the no drinking.

Oh, And he goes and has the nerve to tell me he lost 10 lbs already. I kill myself to loose one a month and he give up alcohol, and looses 10 in a week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />