What do I say to my wife who is going to throw the guilt on me about the kids during the divorce? By that I mean I have decided to get a lawyer to let me know what the law might require me to do to support my wife and the kids financially. My wife and I were going to try and work this out amicably for her and the kids but it seems that she wants to have her cake and eat it to. Sh wants the kids to stay in the same school but in order to do that she needs to get a house in the same area which is not very cheap. It would leave me with little to be able to do anything. Sh will be going to school to get a 1 year degree and working very little. My view is this is divorce this is what you asked for and there will be consequences as a result. We don't get to keep our lifestyle and the kids will be affected and you may have to go to school and work full time as well as take care of the kids part of the time so you won't be able to go out and have fun and workout like you have in the past. Here view will be I can't believe you are doing this to the kids.

did she have an affair? why is the marriage ending? if she had an affair than SHE did this to the kids, not you. don't let her do this to you. you are right in my opinion.

mlhb

[color:"blue"] Duro, [/color]
I've read some (but not all) of your posts on other boards here. I'm still unsure of your current situation. Have you and your wife gone to marriage counseling? Have you gone to counseling by yourself? You mention that you were (are?) active in a church - have you talked to your pastor about this decision to divorce? Are you actually fighting that decision or have you given in to it? Have you read through all the material on this website (NOT the discussion boards) about Plan A & B?

To be honest, reading your earlier posts, I think your marriage could have benefitted from both Plan A and an Emotional Needs assessment. It's not too late to start!

I highly highly highly suspect she has had an affair although she has not admitted it. You have to understand that my wife is a master spinster. But when you see that there are over 500 texts to a guy, more than to myself and her best friend, a call from this guy at 1:10 in the morning when she was with me, pictures of his privates that she then forwarded on to her best friend, pictures on mySpace of him and her with a date when I was out of town, text messages from him about what a great time he had last night then yea I would say so. I have stopped trying to prove her wrong. I know in my heart I am right. It would have been better to know directly from her. I have to be comfortable at this time to think to myself she will feel it later on in her life.The guilt that is for what she has done. What pisses me off right now is how easily she can move on and do this. But she want her cake and eat it to. Meaning that she wants to move into a smaller house that has enough rooms for the kids, go to school and not work that much while I have to sacrifice my life for at least a year while she does this. No, she needs to understand what it is to go to school, work, have kids and understand what it is like to be too tired to workout and not have enough money to go out. I need to get out of the house and be seperated from her for a while but I don't want to abandon the kids. SO you could say I am doing plan B right now. Yes we have gone to counseling and I think it was the second session with the counselor that she said she was done with me because of my spying on her. Oddly enough my one on one counselor said that her reaction would not be typical of somebody who did not do anything wrong.

My WW had an affair with a guy, over the text messaging circuit in her cell phone. Yes, if she was getting lots of texts from a guy, pictures and all that, I would bet money that she was involved. Her placing guilt on you for spying is just her way of trying to change the subject so that it does not focus on her affair.

Don't leave the house, but if you do, check with a lawyer before leaving the house. I did here in Colorado, and found out that abandonment has some strict rules to protect yourself from. I found all the forms online, filled out the divorce papers myself, along with the child custody paperwork, and the child support papers, filed them all at once. That and I only moved only 3 blocks away from my house. That legally protected me from it. Check with a laywer first, a lot of firms give free consultations, 30 minutes, you can find out exactly where you stand.

Stay strong, and what ever you do, don't lose your temper.

I am in Colorado as well. Where do you get the forms?

http://www.courts.state.co.us/chs/court/forms/domestic/withchildren.htm

You may want to get a free consultation with a lawyer before starting to file. I did.

Statistically speaking a woman's lifestyle goes down 70% after a divorce. That she thinks she's going to go back to school, stay in the house and have the lifestyle she wants is naive. And yes these are the consequences that go with a divorce - that your lifestyle changes. You are obviously very angry at her, you are calling her names like spinster which makes me as a woman cringe... so likely you've both been fighting for awhile. First if you wanted to make this work you'd have to do your part and try to at least show her some respect, even if you are venting here - try not to do it with her. As every mean word, every argument just adds more to your marriage problems at this point.

I'm in Colorado too. If you do divorce Colorado requires that you both hire a mediator to try to settle your differences. If counseling didn't seem to work maybe try another counselor. Or a mediator that is also a counselor to give it a last shot if she's willing. The more you can work out your differences rationally with the help of a professional the more money and stress you'll save. We are all under too much pressure these days, working, kids, trying to make ends meet. Perhaps a separation would help, but legal experts would say to get advice before you leave the house. At least find the Divorce for Dummies or other books that outline the procedure for you to take if you are considering separating so you know your rights.

A shrink once told me there is little hope for reconciliation after separation as it takes away the reason to work on the marriage. Another shrink has a book about how separation can actually be the process that leads to a better marriage and reconciliation, the space to think. But the financial part of it's hard - you have to support two households basically, plus you legally will be paying child support if she presses for it, even before the divorce is filed in Colorado. I've had men say they were adviced by attorneys to just start making payments as quickly as possible after leaving to show good faith as judges like this if you wind up in a battle.

You are at cross roads, for many people this is a wakeup call, the stress of a divorce and financial problems give them more reason to work on their marriages. It might be that she's not having an affair, I did the same before I left my husband and it made him crazy, I was on the computer a lot just as an escape, I made friends on this site and elsewhere and I just didn't want to be around him. We were semi separated in our own house. I never cheated on him - wasn't even chatting with guys - and even if she is it could just be emotional wasting time stuff. She's getting some positive attention and gratification that she's not getting at home if all of this fighting is going on. Harley and this site is about figuring out your spouses emotional needs and creating a plan to try to meet them - even if she doesn't respond.

So right now she might be tired, she doesn't want you to touch her as there's been so much fighting - ie she's a spinster. She's exhuasted as we as women are with kids, life and fighting. How can you guys get a break from the fighting - is it possible without ending the marriage to set some rules and come up with a new plan? You have kids together and a reason to try at least... it doesn't sound like you've given counseling a chance, trying to learn how to communicate better and divide chores. Divorce, a second marriage, split families isn't the answer unless all of the rocks have been turned over so says Dr. Phil...