Brief history. My WH has been having an affair for 2 1/2 years. Dday 4/1/06. I was one of those wives who deeply suspected, confronted with denials, finally got savvy and caught him red handed (text messages on cell).

So we went through therapy, worked on reconciling all summer. I kept finding ever more creative and treacherous ways he was retaining contact. He took a new job out of state, we made all kinds of googly eye toasts to new beginnings. We have a 5 year old daughter. He says repeatedly he loves me, wants to work it out, can't imagine life without us, blah, blah, blah. I've been working the Plan A.

Since here in CA, I've discovered his ongoing relationship. The OW sends pornographic pics of him, love notes, he calls her from work (I have access to everything but doesnt stop him). Last weekend they met in FL and took pictures of their intimate time together, so now I've seen pics of them having sex.

I'm done. I've had all I can take. I asked for a separation and he refuses to move out - it's the holidays, our daughter, he wants to see his way through this, he'll seek counseling with me in Jan, etc. He admitted that he's in love with her, she's fun and light and he just can't get rid of these feelings. He hasn't really loved me for abou 5 years (we're together 12), he faked his way through our psuedo recovery, calls me every possible slanderous name you can think of including the "c" word"

So, when I asked him for a separation and for him to leave, he said he won't be inconvenienced, that my daughter and I need to move out, but he's in agony thinking about that moment - please don't go, etc.

I'm so sick of all of it. I need a plan b, I need boundaries. I've tried everything I can possbly think of, but he's very big on deflecting blame and he will be sure within himself and others that this is my leaving him.

I'm tired of lies, deception, emotional abuse, and yet, I can't quite get myself to completely end it. We once had an amazing reltationship. 2nd marriage for both.

His w*!&$ is getting divorced. I've spoken to her this past summer, asked her to stay away from my marriage - she laughed and said she'd never foced her way in. Told her she was destroying the world of an innocent baby - she said she and my husband had a deep connection I could never understand and she intended to be with him forever.

Please help me with 2 things: I'd like to expose the affair to her family - should I? and should I move out and start plan b? what other alternative do I have?

In California, it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a spouse out of the house, unless there is abuse.

The affair will most likely end, but can you make it another year? Your OW sounds just like mine, says the same things. She and my WH ended the affair after 3 and a half years.

I suggest securing your finances.

I would not move out...You and your daughter stay there and make him move out...and yes expose expose expose to everyone!!!!! DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!! I would keep on w/ Plan A for a bit longer but do not move out and tell everyone what is going on...even his employer...Start taking care and focusing on you and your daughter...I am sorry you are having to deal w/ this over the holidays...it really sucks

I agree. Pound this idiot WH (not you husband) with some reality. Expose him and her to everyone that you can think of. You may be ripe for a plan B. If he will not move get a temporary hearing, to force him from the home, to pay child support and restricted visitation with child. Introduce some reality into his and her little world NOW. If he calls you names again tell him that you will not be talked to this way and if it continues you will take action.

Take no more crap from him.

H&P - In California, you cannot get your spouse out. If they choose to live with you and cheat right up to the divorce, they are free to do it.

Can you move out, request child support, other support and limited visitation if the other spouse is being verbally abusive, threatening and cheating

You can move out and get child support, but can't force the other spouse out until you are divorced.

Believer,

If she files for a "legal" separation, but doesn't physically move out, and when filing that separation can she not have her attorney also file a restraining order forcing him out?

She should not have to move out, he should. Lets explore all avenues, incl. legal support.

If he is violent, she can get a restraining order, and force him out. That is the only way.

My WH was taking my things, while still living in the home. His OW would sit out in front of our home and honk her horn and gun the motor - she was furious he was in bed with me.

I went to court to get him out, and the judge denied it. Didn't matter if he was nasty, had his OW in my home while I was at work, stealing my stuff, making my life miserable.

The ONLY way to get him out was a sworn statement that he was physically violent towards me.

Thats odd, because I have friends and family in SO Cal (I was brought up there) and know of folks where a Temp Restraining Order is always an option when filing for either LS or Dv, without any claims of physical violence or altercation.

The same rings true for the State of WA.

I went in for a temporary restraining order, listing that my WH was cheating, having the OW in my home, jewelry was misssing, etc.

The judge asked me if I had any reason to think I was in danger of him being violent and I said no. He then told me that it was denied, unless I wanted the paperwork back to change.

CADreamin could try it. It's free. You go to the court, fill out the papers right there, and see the judge right away. She probably needs to call to get the hours for restraining orders, but it took me less than an hour for the whole thing.

Sorry you went thru that. What a pair of colossal [censored] he and she are!

But what I'm suggesting is she file a "legal separation", which is tantamount to a divorce without the decree, and get a temp restraining order as a by-product to that LS to facilitate his having to leave.

Resilient, I think the operative word may be "filing". The rules may change then. I am in IL and the same rules as believer described apply here. I was told to develop a thick skin and stay out of her way so as not to do anything that may be interpreted as agression no matter how nasty she got and what threats she made. That can be very hard.....

Resilient - I don't know. Hopefully someone here will know.

My story is kind of funny now. I got WH out by enlisting the help of his brother. His brother came over and persuaded WH to leave.

Around a year later, I was in Plan B, and after 4 months of it, WH called me at work, and announced that he was in the process of moving back in.

I immediately came to MB, and everyone (especially Melody) told me not to let him move back with no conditions. So I drove home, and he told me that he was still with OW, but would stop seeing her after he moved back.

So I went to court to get a restraining order, which was denied. However, I DID have the paperwork. I drove back home and waved the papers at WH and told him he would have to move his stuff back out and leave. He never even looked at the papers.

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice, that helps. So next question about restraining orders. Can I file one against the wh*&!? I have pornographic pictures she sent my husband that were taken by her soon to be exhusband. I could coordinate with him and ask him to testify about their behavior, but other than that, what other grounds can I use to keep her from my daughter. I don't care frankly what she does with my husband, but I care very deeply that she never, ever interact with my daughter and I will go to extraordinary lengths to prevent that from happening. Thoughts, experiences, suggestions?

Do you want to stay married to him?

Affairs ALWAYS end. His will end too.

There is no point in going after the OW. It is just as much your WH's fault. If you divorce, and they marry, she will have access to your daughter.

Does she have any children?

Honestly, I'm not sure I do want to stay married anymore. I've read a lot of information, have paid close attention to all the postings, and in the end, it begins to seem like there is a break point where you really have to ask yourself if it is all really worth it. He's been EXTREMELY emotionally and verbally abusive during the entire time of the affair. Now, he revealed just how little he respects me and that he has a lot more respect for this woman being the strong indepent person she is! This despite the fact that I have been very successfully self employed for a number of years with a thriving consulting business. I just think that he has love busted me and hedged his bets out the door.

He'll tell me in one breath about how much he likes her, is in love with her, loves to F*&! her, then says, "Honey, I love you so much and we can work this out. Why don't you go and pick out some new curtains for the house? And when are you going to decorate for Christmas?" The head games are just killing me and I am now beyond exhausted. Perhaps I'll regret this down the road, but I think I'm closer to wanting to move on then moving back into our cancerous marriage.

Here we suggest that you try Plan A, so that 10 years from now you can look back and have no regrets.

You are the one that needs to decide if you want to fight for your marriage or not. No one will blame you if you don't.

1. Do a complete background check on the OW.
2. Let law enforcement in your area know the OW has invaded your home with pornographic material. It is a violation of the terms of most e-mail service providers to send pornographic material via e-mail. E-mail her provider's address abuse line (i.e. [email]abuse@yahoo.com).[/email] Most police stations have an internet division who may be interested in tracking what this person does. If she lives in another town or state, let her local law enforcement know as well.

That is what I did against the OW and shut down about 3 or 4 of her e-mail addresses. Too bad, that OW was keeping all their A history on her e-mail address. LOL!!!

4. While you may not be able to file RO charegs....yet, gather your info. You WILL be able to file them IF you can show she has been making threats against you physically. That is a requirement in California.

You can call your local police station and tell them you story. They will tell you how much you can do.

It is a start. Don't think you can do all right now but eventually the WS and OP will give you the ammo to hang their A around their necks.

You need t/d things legally and safely for u.

R u in southern Cal or the Bay Area?

take care,
L.