I posted this in the "just found out" infidelity forum several days ago. I am still so lost and confused. Several days after I discovered my husband's cheating he came to me and said he would really like to work to improve our relationship. This floored me. I was certain at the time that he knew what I had discovered. I told him that I would work on our relationship. I have been working furiously at trying to get his email password since then with no luck. I have phone records that show that every time he leaves the house he calls the OW. This is really all the information I needed to know that this attempt at working on our relationship is all a sham and probably directed at quieting my suspicions. I already have the OW's name, address, home phone, cell phone, and her husband's name and place of employment. I am torn between wanting to try to work on our marriage and being angry and physically ill every time I look at him. I don't know how much longer I can keep up the act. I keep thinking if I get the information I need I can be free of this situation and finally be at peace. I think about the affair constantly, I know it isn't healthy. Once I have the email password and gain access to his email, I feel this is a good time to go forward with a confrontation. Does anyone here have any advice on how to handle this?

Absolutely, LL.

You've been very smart in keeping all of your discoveries to yourself. You need to start Plan A, included will be to expose your husband's adultery to all. You need to make exposure very impactful to the affairs to end them, so you do it all at once. Plan the exposure well.

I'm terribly sorry for the hurt you've experienced in realizing all the lies and cheating. But, things can, and have, been turned around but only if both parties eventually are willing.

In the meantime you can survive this, thats where Harley's Plans (Plan A & Plan B) and his principles will support you thru this journey.

More wiser folks than myself will be along to respond to your thread soon. Continue to be patient.

Jo

Being a cop is one of the occupations that has the highest rate of infidelity. (Oh, I hope MEDC doesn't see this)

It almost sounds like your husband is a sex addict. How was his childhood?

Read the "To newly betrayed spouses" thread on the Just found out forum. You will also find the spying 101 thread on the forum as well. Get yourself a keylogger to gain access to his email. When you get some evidence, expose to anyone in a position to put pressure on him to end the affair. If this is with a woman who's child goes to the school he works at, expose him to his boss (with evidence). You'll get through this if you want to. Your husband seems like a sex addict and definitely needs some therapy. Keep posting and we'll help you out.

- Jim

Believer, my husband had a really tragic childhood. That is what makes his behavior now so sad and pathetic. His father is a serial cheater who cheated on his mother until she left him. His father by admission may have an illegitimate son that he has never spoken to. His mother remarried a man with 4 children, After a while, my husband grew to love his stepfather and considered him as his real father. (his biological father had no contact with him and his sister after the divorce). His stepfather had an affair wtih his secretary after almost ten years of marriage and after she got pregnant from the affair, left his mother and all of his children (which by this time numbered 8). His real father remarried and seemed to be happily married for the last twenty years. Well 4 months ago, he left his wife to be with another woman who he has been cheating on her with for years. You would probably hear all this and say, well no wonder. I thought just the opposite. My husband was deeply hurt by all this betrayal and abandonment. He vehemently swore that he would never behave this way or cheat on his wife.
I have not had the same experiences in life that he had. My parents are still happily married after almost 40 years. They are devoutly religous and my father is an ordained minister in our church. I always viewed marriage as a sacrament from God. I always thought that my husband needed counseling. I would talk to him about these issues often, but he refused to go to counseling until recently. It has been very hard for me to understand his behavior because of all this. I used to think he was so strong and resilient. Now, I just think he is weak. I have no respect for him. I know when I confront him he will use all of this as an excuse for his behavior......

To jmwc95....
I have installed a keylogger (the day after I found out). He has not logged in from our computer since. Exposing him to his boss would be risky. What if he lost his job? He would never speak to me again for sure. If I could do it anonymously I may consider it. His police department does not tolerate this type of behavior on the job. There have been several police officers let go because they were using their position to have sexual encounters with women they are supposed to be ticketing or arresting. Exposing him is what i need the most help with. I have no idea what to say or how to expose. Does this need to be done face to face? Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

Read Surviving an Affair. Take the EN questionnaire (find it in the concepts section above). Call Steve H for a plan. ASAP.

I recommend exposure to OW's H and his work but if you are relunctant, then you ought to get advice from Steve on how to proceed. You are tying your hands by NOT exposing. But it w/b a risk you need to take.

He is in law enforcement and he should NOT put himself above any law he vows to uphold. Domestic violence is what happens to a family whose spouse has an A.

L.

LL, I agree w/ Orchid....expose this to the OW's H immediately...call in to the radio show and ask Dr. Harley about this stuff..I did last week and he gave me some really good info...If you call about an hour before the show goes on the air, the guy who answers the phone will take your info and he will tell you to call back and you will be the 1st one on the air...it really helped....btw, what keylogger did you get? I am thinking about getting one b4 my WH comes home from overseas.....

LoveGod, I used SpectorPro. There are others you can use, but I have a Mac and this seemed compatible with OS X. It has worked like a dream. It logs all their keystrokes and takes screen snapshots every few seconds so you can go back and view that they looked at. You can download it right to your computer from the website, but you will have to pay with a credit card this way (chance of being discovered). I all have the evidence I need now. I am going forward with the confrontation this week. He couldn't resist getting into his email over the long weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am still not sure that this marriage is the best thing for me or my daughter. I am going to speak to a lawyer today. I feel that Plan A would be very taxing on us. My husband has a terrible temper and I don't want my daughter exposed to all this. She is so sensitive and gets very upset when we argue. She hasn't been sleeping well and is very mommy obsessed right now. I think she senses my sadness. To those that decided you wanted to work on your marriage....Were you ever really sure you were making the right decision?

No I was never really sure if my marriage was worth saving the first few weeks. I didn't have the tools or the support back in 1998 that you do now though. Your not alone in this situation, everyone here has been through or is going through something similar. No one else can tell you if the marriage is worth saving except you.

Until you confront, you have no idea of what you are dealing with in terms of his behavior.

Have you secured the evidence in a safe place outside the home?

RMX, Yes I have most everything at work in my desk. (Out of necessity) The lawyer I spoke to said that I could forward it to her for safe keeping until I file. Haven't been able to come to a decision about filing for divorce, I am just taking steps one at a time. However, the more I move towards taking steps to end our marriage the more at peace I am.

It sounds like he is a sex addict - which really has little to do with sex. He needs counseling.

How was the marriage aside from the cheating?

Our relationship has always been relatively good. We are best friends and have much in common. We used to spend all our free time together just enjoying each other. Since we have been married we have had many rocky patches, always due to trust issues. My husband is a frequent liar. I catch him lying all the time, even about the smallest most insignificant things. I guess it could all be tied back to his infidelity...but I have never completely trusted him. He cheated on me before we were married, by his own admission. I had trouble getting past it even after we were married. I had trouble trusting him, and frequently found occasions where he was being dishonest. He often had missing time (stayed late at work, had mysterious second jobs that paid him in cash, frequent time out with friends etc.) I would catch him in a lie and he would put up such a fuss and throw such a tantrum I would always let it go. On our anniversary this year I came home early and cooked, made a romantic dinner, and he never came home. He called much later and said he was at his best friend's house and would be home soon. MUCH later I called his friend to discover that he was never there. He arrived home after 10, with a bunch of lame excuses. After a several years of this behavior I just withdrew from him. For this I will accept some blame. However, I do not feel we would be at this crossroads in our relationship if he had ever been faithful. We have always been great friends, we complete each others sentence because we just think alike. That is what makes all this so hard for me. I am also losing my best friend as well as my husband.

I think I would insist that you both get some counseling.

Also it is important NOT to withdraw, but to calmly confront him - especially about things like missing your anniversary. It sounds like he uses his anger to control you.

Situation Update....

It has been a week or more since my last post and I thought I would give an update on my situation. Despite all my best intentions of gathering tons of evidence before I confronted my husband, that was not to be. At his request we were to spend this past weekend together alone, working on our house and being romantic. My daughter went to stay with my mother for the weekend (who knows about everything). The weekend started off with a giant ice storm which left us with no power. After two days of us spending time together I couldn't take it any longer. His attempts at getting closer to me just seemed ungenuine. He wasn't at all affectionate, and spent most of the weekend off to himself reading. I grew increasingly frustrated by his behavior and we had a blow up on Sunday morning. He felt he was making an honest attempt and I didn't. He was angry with me for expecting too much. He got up and said he wanted to leave and then He said "I have been at this for two weeks and it is getting me nowhere" I just snapped! I said "You have been at it alright" (I know I shouldn't have said that). Him: "What is that supposed to mean?" Me: "It means I Know, I know everything" "I know about all your lying and cheating one me....I KNOW!"
Him: somewhat shocked and looking very angry..."What do you know?" (I couldn't believe that is what he had to say!) "I am not going to listend to accusations without proof!" "
Me: I started naming off all the women......
Me: "I know when, where, cell phone numbers, home addresses, etc.
Him: "I have to leave, this is just done!"
Me: I stopped him from leaving and said "You at least owe me an explanation"
He then went on to show absolutely no remorse at all. He wouldn't tell me anything specific and only would admit to things I already knew after prompting. Some highlights of our conversation....
On me finding out that he was having affairs with multiple women:
"I thought I was being discrete"

On finding out that I had gone through his private email and cell phone:
"How dare you snoop around and look through my things!"(Me: You left your email open for everyone to see)
"I would never look at your email or cell phone" (Me: You would never need to, I have never lied to you)
"I will never trust you again" (Me: that is pretty ironic considering what you have done)
"I can't live here not being trusted!" (Me: I can't live being lied to every day)

On the woman he is currently cheating on me with:
"I love her she is so beautiful" (Me: I am beautiful)
"She is one of the nicest kindest people I know" (Me: Nice people don't do the things you and her have done)
"Everything is so simple when I am with her" (Me: Yeah it must be easy getting along with someone when the only part of you you have to give is your penis!)
"She has been married for 17 years (she is much older than me) to one man and I am the second person she has been with" (Me: And you think that makes you special?)
"She is so lonely. Her husband is focused on his career and doesn't pay any attention to her....He cheats on her" (Me: That makes what the two of you have done even worse, you both know the pain that indidelity causes.)
"If I had a million dollars I would ask her to marry me" (Me: She is already married)

On why he has been giving lip service to working on our marriage:
"It was Wendy's idea, she thinks if we get along better then her and I will be able to spend more time together" (Me: Why do you think she said that...It is because she has no interest in leaving her husband! She is just using you!)

On why he didn't jump on a recent offer to change positions and move out of the school he is in:
"I want to move positions so I can spend more time with Wendy. She has to pick her kids up from school right when I am leaving work so my going back to street police work would give us more time together"
(Me: You would give up spending time with your daughter to screw around with a married woman?)

On all the other women he has cheated on me with:
"They didn't mean anything to me, not like Wendy"
"They weren't very nice people"
When I asked if Wendy knew about all the other women he said: "Yes she does. She thinks I am lost and looking for something. That is why we are perfect for each other we are both looking for something"

This went on an on for about an hour. Finally he got tired of my questions and left saying he needed to talk to Wendy and find out what she wanted to do. He left and I started to pack my things. I just sat there on the bed and after a while I decided I wasn't leaving and went in the kitchen and started doing dishes. After about 20 minutes he came back. He said he would talk to OW and tell her it was over, but he didn't want to do it. He would do it for our daughter. He said he loves her and how would I feel as his second choice (I laughed at this since I was really his first choice He married me!).
The next day he called this woman at work and spoke to her. He told her that I knew everything and I knew her address, cell phone number, house phone, where she worked etc. She freaked out and said that she didn't want to risk her family and marriage and dropped him like a hot rock. He has been moping around the house for the last two days being nasty and moody since. Where do I go from here? All the things he said I can't get out of my mind. I know everyone her talks about the FOG and what WS say in it. I just feel that I have suffered enough already. How do I get through the next few days, weeks, months? He has refused any sort of counseling where we would discuss the affairs. I caught him instant messaging one of the women last night. I got the conversation later through the key logger. He pretty much said I had caught him and he wanted out of the relationship. Should I just give him what he wants?
Should I go ahead with exposing to his family?

First of all, if he still works with the OW, he needs to get another job. If he refuses, expose him to his boss so he has to change jobs. You definitely need to expose to his mother. She is likely someone who would definitely be willing to put pressure on him to discontinue his behavior. Also, expose to OWH. He is key to helping you police this from both sides (no pun intended). As for what to do around him, be supportive and do not love bust. He will be going through withdrawal, and you want him to come to you for support (I know you want to gag, support him when his g/f breaks up with him). Invite him back home, and after he is done with withdrawal, he needs to go to MC with you. Also, get yourself and him checked out for STDs immediately. Let him know that you want to have sex with him (meeting his needs if you can stomach it), but you need him to do this before you will. You and he need to read SAA. That's all I can come up with now.

jmwc95,

Thanks for you advice. I know I need to expose. The NC promise was broken the first day after agreeing to it. I looked through his cell phone and found calls to her after he said she ended things. Both from her to him and from him to her. He just changed the name that the number was under in his contact list to a man's name (what an idiot). I think I can handle exposing to his parents, they will at least be kind and will listen. I doubt his mother will do anything other than tell me to leave him. She has not been supportive of our relationship in the past, and offers unconditional support to him no matter what he does. He never faces any retribution for mistakes from his mother. When he cheated on me before we were married she invited the other girl over to her house for dinner two days after she found out! That really hurt me. So if I exposed to her it would really only be a, hey guess what your son did kind of thing (at least in my opinion). His father and stepmother will undoubtedly put some heat on him, they have supported us always. The other woman's husband is where I freeze up. I think if I expose to him and he decides to kick her to the curb, that will only make them more likely to continue seeing each other. The only obstacle keeping them apart at the moment is that they are both married with children at home. I don't know why I am so worried about this point. We don't have a marriage now as it is what do I have to lose? Is it best to wait until I have some legal matters squared away first in case he decides to leave after I expose him? Is there anyone out there that could help me draft an exposure letter/conversation?

I think I read somewhere that over 80% of all BS's take their WS back. As long as they have children, I wouldn't worry about the OWH kicking OW to the curb. Does she have a job and would she be able to support herself financially? What state do you live in. Southern states really punish adulterers financially when it comes to divorce. She will most likely come running back to him if it happens, and that would be a major love buster to your WH if that happens. This is your strongest weapon to end the affair. The second strongest is exposure to his work. I know you don't want your WH to lose his job, but what would you rather lose, his job or your marriage and family? Some priorities need to be established. Expose him to his parents and friends. Your WH needs to be revealed for what he is, and he won't like how others see him. Exposure is the key. My WW ended her affair 5 days after I exposed. Making him angry isn't going to end your marriage, allowing him to continue his affair with the OW is.

LL, I'm not aware of any "exposure letter" on any of the threads out here. It’s a case of just doing it.

When you do…frankly, there is no advantage in you handling that phase of exposure in an impersonal way like a letter or email, and the impersonality may work against you. If you don’t want to meet with him in person, just dial his phone number wherever/whenever you can be reasonably assured he’ll be able to talk without his WW interrupting.

When you get him on the line, take a deep breath and begin to tell him what you know about his wife and your husband. There are no golden ways to introduce the topic, no magic words to use, no guaranteed phrases or things to bring up in the conversation…so don’t waste time trying to find any. Once you begin, the conversation will take on a life of its own.

Having discovered this obscene adulterous relationship, you have a duty to let the other woman’s husband know about the rot in his marriage so he can deal with it in whatever way he deems proper. Beyond that, once he knows about the adultery, it is very likely he will work hard to end it from his end. For the coming weeks and months, there’s a chance you and he can work together for as long as it takes to smash this thing. Don’t count on his help, but it’s been known to happen.

As to whether you should bother even trying to recover your marriage, that’s a totally private decision you’re going to have to make. Frankly, your husband has shown a pattern of conduct that leads me to believe his sense of honor and integrity have been badly damaged, or perhaps they were never there to begin with. He is a serial cheater and that will be enormously difficult for you to deal with.

Why he has these deficiencies is for a professional counselor to address, and without counseling to alter this part in his behavior, there's literally no guarantee he won’t drop his current married girlfriend in favor of a new one next week. On the other hand, there are distinct advantages for a child to have both parents in the home and involved in the rearing. You have many things to consider.

Whatever you decide, you’ll find support here at MB. Take whatever time you need to make your decision, LL. Don't rush it. When you've made it, let us know what it is so folks here can help you. Remember, many of us out here have already made it through what you’re only beginning to face. They got through it sane and whole--you will too.

Good luck and hang in there.

BTW, if you don't have Dr. Willard Harley's book Surviving An Affair, you need to get it immediately. Whether you decide to work on the marriage or not, this book will help you. Also, you might find one or two of the links in my signature block below to be helpful.

lieslies, I have no real advice to add here but noticed nobody else said this...GOOD JOB in your heated discussion w/WH! It looks like you were able to stay pretty calm and rebutt his every (crappy) justification. That isn't easy to do! You've got a long road ahead of you, but he also knows he isn't pulling any wool over your eyes anymore and as you've seen, it's freaking him out. Don't stop now - stay strong and get in touch w/OWH ASAP, and give some serious thought to calling his boss as well. And don't wander too far from here, this board is TERRIFFIC!!