In one of my posts, I mentioned how prior to my affair I hadn't had a sexual orgasm (non-masturbating kind) in 15 years. The reason being my husband flat out refused to perform oral sex on me as he thought it was too time consuming and unfortunately that is the only way I can orgasm. I noticed how none of you commented on that because I'm quite sure it blew you away. It blew OM away too when I told him, and I'm sure is one of the reasons why he loved to do that so much.<P>My husband and me haven't had sex yet these three months because I am not ready yet. He has told the counselor that he will try oral again, but he still doesn't seem enthused. You would think he's being asked to walk the plank or something. That does not make me feel very good at all. Why should I feel like I am "forcing" someone to do that when there are plenty of men out there who will. For a long time I tried to put my needs for orgasm aside and it did work for a while, but I had to completely shut down sexually. Is it wrong for me to want to orgasm when I have sex?<P>Pleas, honest, non-judgemental replies only.

Wow, I'm telling you, the more I read on this forum, the more I realize I am not alone. I don't have an orgasm either on "sex alone", but my glitch comes in that oral doesn't usually do it for me either. So you are a step ahead of me. If you would email me I would tell you how I am getting around this and some ideas I have for you. This is a very personal subject, and I don't want to indulge a lot being it's a public forum, but I will to you thru email.<BR>If you are interested, feel free to do so:<BR>BlackJade_@hotmail.com<P>------------------<BR>~Bren~<BR> Nothing will happen today that God and I can't handle together.

PodPerson,<P>Use the Policy of Joint Agreement to work on this. Brainstorm creative solutions. Work on "how often" you need oral stimulation. Offer creative "trades" for negotiation.<P>You've already stated that you can have orgasm by manual and oral stimulation. It's possible that with a sex therapist's help, you'd be able to have orgasm during intercourse as well.<P>It's most imporatant that you and your husband learn to be honest with each other (completely) and use the POJA to negotiate any of these types of marital issues. If you're both willing to experiment with the negotiation process, what the heck---it sounds like a lot of fun!

I try to answer everyone that I can, the best that I can in hopes they will do the same for me. And I hate to say it but this sounds selfish. Pure selfish. Pleasure me or I'll find someone who will? <P> Don't tell me everyone needs sex, because they don't. All I need is God. I don't need my wife, my father, my mother, my kids.<P>Lu:14:26: If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.<P> Do not get me wrong I love and want these things with all my heart, but I do not need them. Seperate what you want and what you need and find out what kind of person you are.<P> Sorry if I sound harsh to those who know me.

Paul,<P>Part of a person's makeup is about "self". Or "Taker", as Harley terms it. And that's OK. It's healthy to get the taker satisfied. It's great!!! The only issue is when the taker starts to trample the other spouse's rights and feelings---the result is a loss of love, and troubles for the marriage.<P>You may be right in saying that you don't need sex. But don't put that label on anyone else. The love that you seem to be preaching is "unconditional" love. That's a love that very few humans are capable of sustaining for any length of time. Pure giver---just like Christ. But there are very few of those people walking the earth, and when you attempt to be pure "giver" for too long, you build up a ton of resentment. A lot of times, that resentment manifests itself in the form of an affair.<P>PodPerson is the "kind" of person who wants a fulfilling sex life. And the kind of person who can have an affair if her "needs" (wants) aren't met. Most of us are like that in some ways. It's most effective to counsel someone on the appropriate paths to take in their situation to make them feel more loved in the marriage---this will "affair-proof" the marriage. It's OK to point out to PodPerson that she is making selfish demands in her post (and she is), but it's not OK to slap her with the criticism without trying to offer constructive advice.

You are definitely not alone with your problem. I do not achieve orgasm with intercourse, but can with manual or oral. My H is more than willing to accommodate either way, but usually I prefer his hands. Then after this, I can totally think about pleasing him (and me in the process) during intercourse. Oddly enough, some of the most intimate and enjoyable sexual experiences we have had were when I didn't even worry about orgasms. Just enjoy the intimacy and stop worrying about the end result.

Pod Per, I did not even see it. I will try as best as I can with this one. Counselling, sex therapist. Having done that, try a movie that depicts it pointing out the parts you like. The W4W ones work the best because they are more gentle and take the time necessary for it and the technique is superb. If that doesn't work, try the quid pro quo, You do what I like and I do what you like. Other than that, I don't know. This part has never been a problem.<P>Gotta go blush now. Way more than I wanted to say.<BR>

I thought I did offer something constructive. Seperate the wants from the needs. You are correct it is not wrong to want these things. What if he doesn't like it? What if it makes him sick? (No offense) What if it goes against a persons principals?<P>So your saying that if your sex life is not completely satisfied that you will leave or have an affair? I find that extremely hard to believe from reading your other posts. It sounds so shallow.<P>What's the difference between this and let's say a foot fetish. People with foot fetishes are not sexually satified unless they get a foot. But they can lead normal lives and be happly married without it. I would hate to lose my wife because she stuck a smelly foot in my face and said kiss it or leave.<P>Geeze, I believe this is the first time in this group that I've gotten aggrevated. Apologies to any I have offended.

Pod - K has a great response, so I won't belabor the point. Sexual needs ARE important emotional needs too, and some of the most fun!<P>There are hundreds of books out there about "creativity" with each other and not all is too way out to try. Work on this together. Ya never know, there may be some things that HE would like that he's never expressed. That could work out to be a very nice trade-off - for both of you! And you may discover some nice "new" ways.<P>OK, nuff said, for now. Didn't mean to blow this part off - perfectly legit IMHO.<P>Good luck.<P>Lori<P>

Do you perform oral sex on him?

Paul:<P>The last thing I'm saying is that if you're not happy with your sex life, have an affair. I've been celibate in my marriage for almost 3 years, and I have a very strong, healthy sex drive (helping me win the 1998 "Golden Forearm" award---that aside was strictly for Doug). I know that you're taking offense at the "plenty of men out there who will". But she's right---there are men who might make her happy. So what should she do? Affair---she's done that. No good. Divorce isn't a much better option. Trying to learn how to communicate and negotiate to a "win-win" situation with her husband IS a good solution, however.<P>It was the second line that I found very disrespectful and not good advice. "All I need is God". <P>It's good to acknowledge these "needs". It's bad to supress them as "selfish wants". And it's important to learn the marriage skills necessary to present this to your partner and negotiate a solution. The husband's stated complaint about oral sex is that it's too time-consuming (I'm not buying that either). But they both need to learn how to discuss this honestly and come up with good solutions---wanting to have an orgasm is legitimate. It's not a "foot-fetish" kind of thing. <P>

Good, Nonplussed. I was gonna ask but started blushing like Fighter and held back. LOL<BR>

K: I guess is one we'll have to agree to disagree on.<P>Podperson: You asked for non-judgemental responses only and mine was anything but non-judgmental. Apologies<P>Setting personal feelings aside I do see promise in what everyone says. There is a therapist for everything nowadays. I must admit several of the other poster eluded to you giving oral sex as well but backed out. I have often found it much easier to perform oral sex on my wife even if I'm not in the mood when oral sex is being performed on me! <P>I feel for you in that oral sex is your only means of release, but you must remember as well that knowing this your husband may be intimidated. What if I can't do it right? What if she doesn't like it? Why can't I pleasure her other ways? What's wrong with me? You never know...

Hi Pod. That's what I like about you -- you lay it on the line! No [censored]-footing around (pardon the pun! )<P>You have every right to want an orgasm. Perhaps, like Paul said, your husband is intimidated, or can't do oral sex exactly right. Have you thought of other methods of clitoral stimulation? Fingers, or a vibrator perhaps? What does your husband say other than "it takes too long?"<P>--andy

PodPerson - Like you, I honestly don't know what to do about your H! I, for one, cannot understand why a guy would not like perfroming oral sex on the woman he loves! Because, for me, the whole idea of sex is to get turned on by turning your partner on. That's the way sex is designed and that's why it's so wonderful to make love to someone you love. I do know there are men who don't like doing this. My W was going with one when she met me, which is partly the reason she was happy to switch! His reasons were partly religious though, where for your H it sounds more like it's part of "the job of sex" (instead of the joy of sex). I basically agree with K that probably what your H needs is some heavy-duty sex therapy (maybe the two of you together). You might also want to explore tantra, which seeks to transform sexual experience into a way of experiencing the divine in one another. Just some thoughts. Regards and blesings,<P>--Wex

Thanks everyone for your replies. It is good to know I'm not alone in this, and I didn't think I was. I talk to alot of my friends who are in similar situations, totally unfulfilling sex lives with their husbands. (Sorry guys, no offense.)<P>My husband gets mad because it takes me "too long" as he puts it to orgasm, orally or manually. It doesn't really take all that long in my opinion, but to him, he'd rather just wham, bam, and barely thank me ma'am and roll over and get to sleep. He works 14 hour days most days and likes to get to bed early because he has to wake up at 4:30am.<P>K, that policy of joint agreement sounds real good on paper, but if the other person isn't willing to do it, it pretty much falls apart, doesn't it? My husband has never even looked at this website, though I've told him all about it. I have a feeling he still thinks this is "my problem," not his. I think people go to sex therapists to find out "how" to orgasm. I know how, my husband just doesn't want to participate. I think this is selfish of HIM. I have already put in 22 years of sex the way he wanted it. When do I get my turn? Is it selfish to want my turn?<P>Paul, I'm sorry, but I DO need sex. Sorry, maybe that means I will go to hell. Oh well. But I think God intended married people to enjoy sex with each other. I didn't say that I would have another affair, but I do think that I will consider leaving for good if we can't come to terms with this stuff. It's not right for me to keep going unfulfilled like this. I need more from a husband than that.<P>Wex, what is "tantra"?<P>And YES, I have performed oral on him. Not lately, but I've never had a problem with it. It is one of his favorite things. In fact, many times, that is what he requested, I did it, and then he went to sleep. Nice.

If anyone has noticed I seem to perk up when there are sexual questions asked, thank you for not mentioning. <P>From the Lucks Suggestion Bank: Make oral sex more pleasurable for him to perform. Try brushing on a little honey dust, sold in canisters at adult book stores (feather brush included). A very subtle, sweet taste. Or whatever his taste fancy is--chocolate syrup, whipped cream, cake batter, etc. <P>Or....try a different position for his comfort while pleasuring you orally. Maybe he gets a neck crick during, which certainly is no fun. Have him lay on his side, you on yours too, his neck supported by your thigh. Or squat over him. (sorry if that got too graphic) Or utilize furniture and cushions in some variation that raises your body and creates less neck strain for him.<P>Hmm...what else...how about asking him to manually stimulate you instead of orally, using KY jelly or other lubricant?<P>One other thought: and JUST a thought...your judgement prevailing--shaving or being neatly clipped might be intriguing options to capture his interest.<P>I do assume you return the oral favor yourself.

I didn't answer on this one because... well, uh, because... well... not to brag or anything, but... sex was never a problem for my H and me. It was the frequency of sex.<P>My H is THE BEST lover, and he says the same about me, except that too many times it was a "quicky" late at night or early in the morning.<P>I figure things this way (abut oral and any other sex between married people) whatever two consenting adults do is right and good. We have always believed in trying things at least once. I've never said no to something and neither has my H. We have a few things that we both decided "nah, yuck" but for the most part, anything goes!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hey,<P>Some people simply don't like performing oral sex, and that's that. If your H doesn't like doing it, there is very little you can do to persuade him to suddenly like it! Instead find another way to pleasure yourself during sex - stimulate yourself and ask him to "lend a helping hand." <P>You don't need to go out there and find those "plenty of men out there who will" - that's pretty selfish. Instead be creative and try and figure out new things to do WITH your H, instead of laying the blame all on him and using this as a justification for more betrayal! <P>I'm sure you can orgasm in situations where oral sex doesn't come into play, but you may have psyched yourself into thinking that it's the only way you can be pleasured. Open your mind and experiment and you may be pleasantly surprised.<P>E.

Elixir--<P>I think Pod's point is, she gives to him, shouldn't he give to her?? I think he should. Sure there's give and take in a relationship and not always at the same time. Talk about selfish though...to take oral pleasure from your partner then plop, go to sleep? Pod's telling us it's rarely reciprocated. Over the years, I'll BET this has created a lot of resentment. Would her H ever DREAM of satisfying her and then SHE gets to selfishly go to sleep without his release? <P>I dunno, Pod. You've got a tough road ahead. The only thing I can suggest is to make it as pleasant as possible for him to become the giver, physically, and THEN to praise, praise, praise, in that area and others so he realizes just how appreciated he is. Bite back the cutting remarks about anything, they will not help you attain your goal(s). Heck, bargain with him--offer something else, even non-sexual things, to get him to cooperate. You don't have to sound pitiful or needy either. <P>How frustrating for you! I'll be hoping you find the key.