Thanks for all the good advice. I have decided to let this ride until after the holidays. I will continue to work on myself and making myself happy in this time. I think I am not going to try to actively work on our relationship either. I will just try to not make things worse with my anger. It seems I am rapidly moving through the stages of grief. First I was hurt, now I am so angry that the lies are continuing. Even in the face of me confronting him with his lies he refuses to admit the truth. I confronted him yesterday about instant messaging one of the women. I couldn't really hammer what I knew home without revealing the keylogger though. I could only say that I had seen him writing to her. First he denied he has spoken to her in more than 6 months. Then when I refused to believe this version, by reminding him that he had emailed her as recently as 3 weeks ago, he changed his story. Now it was that he needed to tell her that I knew everything and the his email was being watched. I found his choice of words interesting. (Not that my wife knows and we need to stop talking, its that my email is compromised so don't email me because she will see it and have more evidence on me) I know I should give this some more time to pan out and then make my decision....But everytime I discover something new I love him a little less and hate him a little more. I will give Plan A a try for my daughter's sake until after the holidays. If he is in contact with her still after the holidays, I will expose to his family and her husband (as much as I dislike her, I can't bring myself to ruin her children's Christmas...sick aren't I?). I guess his reaction to my exposure will determine any further steps I take to work on or end the relationship. I am fairly certain that this will be the nail in the coffin of our relationship. He has always been very worried about other's opinions of him. The fact that I did this will probably end the affair, but our marriage as well. I am okay with that I suppose. That coupled with the fact that he refuses counseling of any kind (that would bring up the fact that why we are there is all his fault) doesn't really give me much hope for us. I do have one question. During this time do I confront him about his lies? This seems to be a Plan A no no (our discussions about his lies are usually very heated and stressful).

Don't put yourself through an extra month of torture. Expose today! You are not ruining OW's children's holidays, OW is. The longer you wait to expose the longer he will continue to hurt you. Call OWH today!

It has been a long time since I have posted here. My situation has gotten so bad. I have wanted to post, but I have felt that there was no hope for my marriage. In December I began exposing to his family and trying my best to do a good plan A. I fought through all of December and the beginning of January with repeated violations of NC. My holidays were a wreck. Every time I caught him contacting OW, my husband would promise to end contact. It would last a week or two and then they would start up again.
I tried my best to plan A during this time, but no matter how much effort I made he always seemed to turn to OW over me. After three months of plan A and no really encouraging signs that my husband had any interest in working on our marriage (he refused counseling, refused to show any remorse at all for his actions) I began to ask him to leave.
He refused. The last two weeks of January were a constant battle. I wanted him to leave, needed him to leave, but he refused. After I caught him breaking no contact in early February (he got so mad that I had caught him again, he threw his cell phone against the wall and smashed it and pushed me down in front of our daughter) I decided that I had to leave. Things were getting too bad and were happening in front of our daughter. I told him that I was going to leave and started packing my things. He just lost it. He was so angry, threatening me and yelling it was so awful. I refused to give in. I continued to pack my stuff (by this time my DD2 was in tears). While I was comforting her in the other room, my husband went into our office and shut the door. Things were very quiet. Too quiet. I went into the study and discovered my husband sitting on the couch with his service weapon in his mouth (he is a police officer). I just lost my mind. I tried desperately to convince him to put the gun down, that our problems weren't worth losing his life over, and to think of our daughter. My pleas fell upon deaf ears. I could see him writing something on a note pad and panicked. I turned around and ran into my daughter trying to get to the phone. (She had followed me into the office and had been standing in the doorway the whole time and had seen the whole thing) I called the police. They placed him under arrest and involuntarily committed him.
He remained under psychiatric observation for 10 days. He called me several times from the hospital. I put all my separation plans on hold and focused on being there for him during this time. His family was so awful to me. When I called his mother to tell her what had happened and that they had taken him to the hospital, she screamed and cursed at me and hung up. She wouldn't even let me tell her what hospital they had taken him to. I had to track down his father at work so that his family knew what had happened. I fought through all of this and when he was released he swore that he wanted nothing but for us to reconcile. He moved in with his father "temporarily" to give us some time to work things out. A week or two after he was home from the hospital, I visited him at his parents home and saw OW's phone number on the caller ID. Nothing had changed. It took me two days to get him to admit that he had never stopped talking to her even when he had been hospitalized. He had been lying to me for months. He blamed everything on me. In his mind, I had called the police on him to ruin him and hurt him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I told him that I did not want to see or talk to him anymore. I could not bear sharing my husband and that I would love to rebuild our marriage but I could not attempt another reconciliation unless he really ended contact with OW. There was some lb'ing that I am not proud of during this discussion, but overall I thought I mad my point well.
That was when my husband began stalking me. He called 30-40 times a day, left hateful messages, would stop by my house and yell and scream at me when I refused to talk to him on the phone. He broke into our home and stole personal items and baby photos of our daughter to hurt me. He kicked in our basement door and cut our phone line. I had to file a restraining order (on our anniversary no less that was rock bottom for me). I was terrified and had to move in with my parents. After all that happened I decided to get a lawyer and filed for divorce. I have had a restraining order for two weeks now and things have calmed down some.
The reason I am posting is that I have my hearing for the order of protection and my pdl motion tomorrow. I spoke to my lawyer on friday and he wanted to know if I was interested in dismissing the order of protection I had for my daughter. I was torn. I want my husband and my daughter to have a good relationship, but I no longer can trust him or his behavior. My lawyer said that if I don't dismiss the order, we probably won't get a continued order of protection for my daughter, but that the court would appoint a guardian ad litem for her and they would probably request supervised visitation. This has spun so far out of control. I don't want this. I don't want a divorce, and I really don't want my daughter to have supervised visits with her father. However, I don't know that dismissing the order is a good idea.
Our lawyers arranged a visitation over memorial day weekend. My husband was to return DD2 on Sunday at 9 a.m. (so that she could go to church). He was to give me a check for $400 when she was picked up. This was all submitted in writing to my attorney from his attorney. When his stepmother picked up DD2, she did not have a check and told me that they would bring her back Sunday evening. I reminded her that she was to be brought back on Sunday at 9 a.m. and asked that she bring the check then. DD2 was not returned as agreed, and when my mother called his parents home, my husband pretended not to know anything about bringing her back Sunday morning. I called the sheriff's department who got her returned to me.
Do I in good faith dismiss the order of protection for my daughter and hope that this will get things back on a more positive road? I am sick with worry about this and what to do. Where do I go from here?

In my opinion, definitely not. Your H is clearly out of control and you need to protect yourself and your D from his actions. You certainly should not shield him from the consequences of his actions.

Hopefully MEDC might chime in here - I believe he has some experience in your H's field and will have a better idea of what works and what doesn't to protect you from his actions while he remains an active WS.

I agree with MIM. Definitely not.

You have every right to be as worried as you are.

Your husband has demonstrated very clear signs of instabiity. And since he has easy access to firearms and has in the recent past used them to threaten harm to himself, I would not allow him access to your daughter or yourself unless and until he has had a psychiatric evaluation. And even then I'd be very leary.

God Bless and please take good care,
Jo

Please set up something so that he only has supervised visits and that you never have to meet with him for those visits.

Please.

You have every right to be worried.

I just read the other day where a man killed his exwife and then himself when they he was supposed to be delivering his child to her. Please take every precaution.

Yeap, Mofo. In my town a similar horrific thing happened. And the husband was the chief of police.

Jo

divorce him

he is dangerous

of course you don't dismiss the order of protection. You have an obligation to yourself and your daughter to do absolutely everything to protect you both. I would divorce your H if I were you. That seems to be the most responsible thing to do at this point.

I am so sorry for you and your DD but am relieved you had the SMARTS to get out of there, honey, and move in with your parents. That was a brave, smart thing you did for yourself and your DD.

He needs help he cannot and will not get from you. You are wasting time attempting anything except getting as far away from him as you possibly can.

Divorce him.

Move if you can.

I do not see a good outcome from this. The man is demented and his parents are enabling that dementia. Sorry.

You are not at fault based on what I read in your posts. It is him, not you.

Larry

What State do you live in? I'm not certain I am following you regarding the order of protection on behalf of your daughter. But it does seem likely that the court would want to give supervised visitation between the two of them. Where I live, there are a few agencies that provide supervised visitation and some are better than others at monitoring the visitation.

I know of one situation of supervised visitation where the young girl said that her mother was touching her and hurting her, or during a hug, was making threatening statements to her. The supervision was turned over to another agency, and physical contact was not allowed during the visits.

At least, if there is supervised visitation set up, ask your lawyer about what guidelines can be established. An agency should be doing the supervising, not his family. How long would the visit be for? An hour once or twice a week? Would physical contact be allowed? If the visitation situation were controlled adequately, it may not provide him with the drama and ability to manipulate and control that he is obviously seeking and maybe he would lose interest.

He sure does sound like very bad news, but I would think that since parental rights have not been terminated, he will get supervised visits. I would focus on making sure that an agency does the supervision, on-site at the agency. Don't agree to a family member doing the supervision. I am sorry that you and your dear daughter are going through all of this. My thoughts are with you.
Lake

LL,

Are you out there? Can you offer an update please?

Jo

Thanks for all the supporting comments. I really needed to hear that going forward with the protective order is the right thing to do here. It is just so hard to be real and accept the fact that my husband is capable of harming me or my daughter. Watching his total self destruction through this affair has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with. He has ruined our marriage, jeaprodized his relationship with our daughter, and even risked losing his job for OW. (When the police department discovered his affair and suicide attempt they put him on inactive duty for weeks. Then when he was allowed to return, they assigned him to prisoner conveyance instead of returning him to active duty. He may never return to active police work.) I have court this morning, I will let everyone know how things went. Wish me luck.

lake53,

I am in Missouri. My lawyer told me that under almost all circumstances of spousal abuse, the abusing spouse still retains some form of custody. They don't consider the abuse of the spouse when deciding whether the father is fit to have custody, only abuse of the child (which luckily has not happened so far). If abuse of the child exists (and I mean physical abuse) then they consider removing the father's right to visitation. The best I could hope for is temporary supervised visits if recommended by the guardian ad litem. I am hoping that this will happen long enough for my husband to wake up and realize he is risking losing his daughter in his attempts to hurt and terrorize me. To my understanding, they would schedule a separate hearing where the guardian ad litem would be present to determine if supervised visitations would be warranted in my situation. I will be sure to ask my lawyer about the supervised visitations as you suggested. Thanks for the advice.

lies,lies:

Just curious,
you stated you Did expose to His family ........but no where did I read (even after Repeated continued contacts with OW) that you had exposed to Her [OW's] Husband.

Just wondering Why Not? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Or did I just miss that part somewhere? {Hey, it happens <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />}

By the way,
keep the protection order In Place!

(Also with your situation being so unstable, please do not wait 6 months between posts.
Cause if you do, your gonna have folks thinking the worst & getting upset themselves.....ya know?)

Wishing you the Best in getting your Life back to a calmer place!

top rope,

No I never exposed to OWH. The day of my husband's suicide attempt he found the OWH's cell phone number in my purse (he was trying to stop me from leaving by taking my car keys). I had planned to call him at work to expose (I had discovered yet another NC violation the day before). When he found the number it only enraged him more and I feel was a factor in his suicide attempt. After the suicide attempt, I frankly did not feel that he was mentally stable enough to deal with any further exposure. My therapist thought it was a terrible idea when I brought it up. Under the circumstances, she felt I couldn't risk any escalation in his behavior. I guess to make a long story short, I waited too long to expose to OWH. I had some reservations about doing it in the first place and when I finally made up my mind to do it....well, things kind of blew up in my face. I guess there really is no point in doing it now.

You need to expose to OWH TODAY, if for nothing else but to give OWH the same fighting chance at saving his marriage as you have. Throughout all of this your H has manipulated you. He wasn't going to commit suicide, he was just attempting to manipulate you into allowing him to continue getting his fix. You owe it to OWH to inform him of his W's affair.

jmwc95,

I appreciate your opionion, however I don't think in my situation it is good advice. I don't think that trying to apply MB principles on an abusive spouse is going to achieve the same result. Antagonizing an irrational person is like waving a red flag in front of a bull...what do you get?...the horns. I have spoken to many people about this. I need to be concerned about my safety and that of my daughter's, not whether some stranger can recover his marriage. Thanks for your concern and advice.

Update on my court date yesterday. Overall, that had to be one of the most stressful and upsetting processes I have ever been through. The two attorneys had worked out ahead of time that my husband would agree to a consent order for me. My lawyer and his lawyer kept pushing me to dismiss the order of protection that I had for my daughter. My lawyer felt that I would not win a hearing on the issue, and the best I could hope for was to convince a guardian ad litem that supervised visitations were necessary. He said he would support me if I decided to request an appointment of a guardian ad litem in the divorce case. I had taken all this into consideration and decided that I would go ahead and request the involvement of a guardian to protect my daughter in the divorce case.
Now, fast forward to the day of the hearing. NONE of what we discussed happened the day of the hearing. My husband was refusing to do the consent order of protection (even though he would run the risk of losing his job if he lost the hearing on the issue. If someone has a full order of protection against you, you cannot carry a weapon, thus he could not carry out his police duties). He was refusing to pay even the minimum calculated amount of child support, and no spousal support at all. He turned what could have been an hour long discussion and subsequent agreement between our attorneys into a 6 hour long slug fest that probably cost us thousands of dollars. He ultimately had to agree to do the consent order and I had to agree to drop the child order of protection with the caveat that I could reintroduce a guardian ad litem to our divorce proceedings if I felt it was warranted in the future for any reason. I got the full amount of child support, my full order of protection for one year, and some spousal support to help pay the bills until our home sells. I agreed to 8 days a month of visitation, which worked out to two days a week corresponding to his days off. We agreed to do drop offs and pick ups at our local police station and absolutely no contact except by email and only to discuss pick up and drop offs.
I was just really sad afterwards. He would not look me in the eye for most of the day and when he did he had a look of hate and disgust in his eyes. It is so hard for me to realize that this is my husband. It is almost as if my real husband has died, and this person is just impersonating him. I know someday he will be truly sorry for all the pain he has caused, but sure it will be too late to make a difference. I cannot think of anything he could do at this point that would make me trust him enough to not proceed with the divorce…….