NO WAY! I DID THE SAME THING! OMG! YOU GO GIRL! YEP, ARE YOU MY LONG LOST TWIN OR SOMETHING! I'm the only one with a degree too! later, my mom graduated college... how COOL!

I read the rest later and post more...need to go back to bed to "nap" LMAO...

Just had one more thing to say, which is backing up what CJ was saying about allowing him to dig his own grave...

i know that it's painful to watch but YOU KNOW a MUST...

Yep, a lot of headaches and heartaches where that's concerned and you may not feel like you have the strenght right now, but when the time comes to kick into action, it'll be right there...

When you are feeling like this check for H.A.L.T.

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

It you are dealing with one of these things or even more...STOP and take care of yourself...this only added to the frustration and overwhemling feelings, making bad, worse....

I had to take care of F yesterday with that. I knew that he didn't get much rest and the poor boy was hungry...that feed into the pain and the way he was feeling...

Once he was feed, had his meds, i made him take a nap and when he woke up, he was a new boy, almost! LMAO

I'm proud to know you LL...wish I was closer to you!

You're doing just FINE...look at all the great things you have done and are doing...AMAZING, simply AMAZING! You are so blessed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

lieslies,

I am not a survivor of this type of abuse, but I am a survivor. I, too, was left to fend for myself, in terms of education, and worked my way through college. I actually just finished paying off my school loans, which I am so proud of. You are built to last, you are. You can do this. I am the only child in my family, not to mention my extended family, that completed a bachelor's degree.

I read your thread yesterday, at the behest of Rin (S4B) on her thread. Let your WH dig his hole, and document everything. Make sure, if he leaves any voice messages, that they are saved and IMMEDIATELY reported to the police as him being in violation of his restraining order. Yes, the wheels do grind at a very slow pace, but they do grind. He will just keep digging. He sounds a bit like a sociopath to me, very similar to what my best friend is dealing with.

If you can get a small break and maybe even take the time to meditate, or spend a moment relaxing in your way with a girlfriend, where you can vent and be safe.

Let him escalate in his stupidity and show your factual documentation in court, without emotion, just the facts. You wipe whatever imaginary muck you have grown to believe you have on you. You cannot know what someone will be like in the future.

Oh, one word of warning. In some instances, I know of this with my sister and with my girlfriend, your claims of breaking the restraining order may not be taken as seriously as you would like. My girlfriend went to report a string of messages that were left on her voicemail, and was ridiculed in the questioning session that she had with the police lieutenant that she reported to. He was not kind, and treated her as if she brought this on herself. Even policemen are people, human, with preconceived notions about some of these things. Just report the facts and be done with it, when/if you have to report a violation of the RO; just do it and get it over with. Not all people understand and/or have compassion.

Thanks for all the encouraging words. They really helped to rally my strength. I found it amazing that so many great women on MB have such strong stories of survival. I got to wondering about that. I did a search for the typical profile of an abused spouse. I found some interesting sites. One which posted the likely common personality traits in abused women, and one from a book I have been reading called "Malignant Self-Love". I am really learning a lot about myself and how my poor choices led me to where I am today. Understanding how your past has affected your life is key to overcoming and creating a better future I suppose. I know now that I cannot change WH and that I must shine a light on what he did to me so that I never choose to go down that path again. It is interesting that there is no one profile of an abusing spouse, they fail to fit a defined pattern like the abused spouse does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

So, what have you learned from this? Why did you pick the good old hubbie in the first place? What red flags are you going to pay attention to in the future?

I see that I have/had eight of the typical traits, some of which I outgrew over the pass 14 years....9 married...

I really outgrew them when the kids came along and demanded more of my attention...ah, make that nine, ten...

LMAO...long time to have to think back!

I can say that I will not "take care" of another grown human being. Now, I don't need another human to validate me, I am awesome! I can express my emotions easily, don't act them out, or try to punish in my own little ways.

I have learned how to set boundaries and stick to them...I was great at going back on my word to myself...tada...out of loyalty...and I was abused as a child...

I have worked for 14 months to get to the place that I am right now...I gave myself away and had to find out who I was/am...and here I stand, healthier today than yesterday...

What do you think, where have you been verses where are you today?

I have been having a really hard time dealing the last few days. I didn't want to admit it, but the murder of the Ohio OW by her cop baby daddy has really upset me. Not to mention the case of the WH shooting his entire family in Illinois. You hate to hear about these cases at all, but when you are dealing with a threatening abusive cop spouse yourself it is terrifying. That case is my worst fears realized. I tried to take a break from hearing about it this weekend after they found her body, I just couldn't take anymore. I sat down Sunday evening and decided to watch some Law and Order for some t.v. veg time. Well, what do you think the episode of Law and Order Special Victims Unit was about? A narcissistic middle aged man leading a double life. He has an OW in the city who he cons into believing that he is a CIA agent. He is planning a wedding with this woman, even though he is already married with 3 children. Being a narcissist, and not a CIA agent, he gets caught by his wife. Over the course of three weeks she becomes a ball of scorned bitter fury. Then the OW is murdered. The police discover the WH and all the lies he has been telling OW. They discover his real name, and track him back to his family residence. They talk to the wife, because he is feigning innocence and had a somewhat ironclad alibi for the night of the OW's murder. She just loses it when she finds out and yells and screams at the detectives. The next night, they return to arrest the wife for the murder of the OW and find a grisly murder scene. All three children and the wife were shot in the head. They find the WH shot, barely alive, laying on the bed. Anyway, to make a long story short, it was the WH. He killed the OW, and his entire family to prevent anyone from finding out about his double life. As the police psychiatrist says during the episode, when a narcissist is faced with exposure, he lashes out and is capable of unspeakable violence. Nice way to spend a relaxing Sunday evening huh? I am never watching Law and Order SVU again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I feel like although I am trying to avoid hearing about these cases or dealing with my emotional baggage right now I keep getting redirected towards it. I am on a 24hr a day, non-stop infidelity crime channel. I guess when I first found out about my husband, I really had now idea how serious a situation I was in. I wonder to this day what would have happened if I had exposed to OWH. I also have to wonder if I am just being overly sensitive to triggers or if I am ignoring a message I was meant to receive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It didn't help matters that I discovered an e-mail from the OW on Sunday that said "Thought you would like to know where OUR boy is". It was a brochure for some REALLY expensive summer camp she sent her son to. I wanted to reach through the computer and wring her white trash neck. The gall. She has systematically removed her H from the picture and replaced him with mine. That child is not and never will be my husband's son. Nor will my daughter EVER be considered her child (at least in my mind). I know I shouldn't be checking his email...I just couldn't help it. I was desperate to find out what is going on with this visitation period. I hoped to find some e-mail to his lawyer. That is what I get for snooping. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I guess it doesn't really help that I am getting no information from Affairland now that I have a restraining order in place. I have no idea what is going on with OW and my WH right now. She could be pregnant for all I know. I have a horrible gut feeling that will be the next news I hear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I am not doing a very good job of being still. I am working on being mad, bitter and overreacting tremendously however. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I hope this gets easier with time. I have been on a non-stop rollercoaster of emotions since I filed for divorce in late April.

Let OW's H know that she is giving her son to 'other men'. That should set off his fatherly instincts.

L.

Read Orchid's post...Tell POS OW's betrayed husband, print off the email and give it to him in the mail if need be and keep a copy for court records. This man deserves to know that this w*ore has decided to let some STRANGER become her child's father. Boy, this pisses me off.



Yea, not in any sane person's mind. This woman will and forever should be treated as an INTRUDER, A HOMEWRECKER AND YOU CHILDREN SHOULD KNOW, I SAID KNOW WHO SHE IS AND WHAT SHE AND WH DID TO DESTROY YOUR FAMILY AT THE APPROPRIATE AGE.



Hey, he's fair game and anything you get on the liar to use against him in court or to confront him with is fair game.

I have been dreading contacting OW's husband. I have been putting it off for far too long. What do I have to lose? Maybe I can finally put a dent in affair Fantasyland. This woman has got to be stopped. If I can't do it, then maybe her husband can. Hopeandpray do you know what is really insane? WH was never a good father to his own children. Now some entitled uber-skank thinks that he is father of the year to her darling children. I wish I could be a fly on the wall the day she figures out that she bet the farm on the wrong guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think calling him is the best bet. I still don't know if OW is living at home or if he has kicked her out. If I get DD2 back as agreed tonight I will make the call when I get home. Wish me luck.

Do it LL. It is the best offense for ending their little fantasy. Also, the OW's H deserves to know that she plans to replace him with you WH. He may have other plans when he heres about this.

Stay strong. You can do this. It was hard when I finally got the nerve to do it. My hands were sweating, my heart racing, I thought I would pass out right there on the phone. In the end the OM's W and I have become great friends (and just friends, she is 10 years older than me)and have helped each other immensely in our respective court dramas over the past 18 months.

Just got back from trying to get DD2 returned to me. WH did not return her tonight as agreed AGAIN! I am soooooooo tired of this. I called the county sheriff's department and they wouldn't even listen to my story because they found out I don't reside in that county (even though WH does and has DD2 there). I should have told them I lived with my parents. They say I have to file a court order violation with my county or they can't help me. My county will probably tell me that there is nothing they can do when I call tomorrow. I have spent another whole evening of my time with my daughter fighting to get her back and failing. I ended up just going home, without DD2 and crying hysterically because no one would help me for the 45 mile drive home. I still feel like this can't be my life. I am too tired and upset to call OW's husband tonight. In my current state he would think I was crazy anyway. I will see what I can do tomorrow.

Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry that you are going throught this again!

I wish I knew something that you can do to get her back...I definitily figure out a way to not give DD to him again...this is a pattern and there has to be something that your lawyer can do!

I can't beleive this and it just makes me SOO enraged for you!

lieslies,

I am very sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but I am not surprised at their response. Sadly, police departments will often look for reasons to NOT get involved rather than reasons to get involved and protect the rights of the violated party. Now, in all fairness, I'm not complaining against the police--in my opinion, they have an impossible job here--but very, VERY often the position that is taken is to let the COURT who's order has been violated be the one to enforce it. Personally--it makes me FURIOUS--but nonetheless that it the way it works in reality.

I would say your first call in the morning would be to your atty. to file the court order violation...and your second call in the morning would be to the court in your county YOURSELF to get as much info as you can on how to get that court order ENFORCED!!

Just checking--that court order is only like TWO WEEKS old, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> And he has contemptuously ignored it from day one!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

BTW--is there anything we can do for ya here? Hugs? Jokes? Water balloons?? What would help??





CJ

Hang in there, you are doing very well. I went through something similar when my sons were young. Had a horrible fight to get sole custody, and was ordered by the court to send them with their 3X DUI dad. But it all worked out in the end. At the time, I couldn't believe it.

Your husband is using your daughter to try to control you. Just document when she is late coming back. Don't get emotionally involved, because THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS.

Also you need to realize that mom isn't going to be much help, so stop confiding in her. Just be pleasant and don't discuss. She's no help at all, and probably doesn't even realize how hurtful she is being.

Instead come here, where we understand.

LL-

I would talk to your A tomorrow about the visitation. It is crazy that he is doing this. Maybe the A's can do something to show him that his contempt of the court order has consequences... I just do not know if I would be so inclined to even let him see DD.

I really think that this is his way of controlling you. He wants to get you upset. I would not deal with anyone in his family with this. Just contact your lawyer. He does not need to see you agitated over it.

And I just wanted to say that you should just accept that your mom is not going to be help. I understand about that one. My mom was the same way, "it upset her" to see me upset... if I was not all sunshine, she did not want to talk to me. But, you just have to realize one day that that is how your mom is, take her or leave her. I know that my mom loves me, but she is incapable of showing me that she does in the ways that I NEED to be shown... So I have worked hard at trying to see how SHE SHOWS ME that she loves me. I know it is hard to do at first when you are hurting. But it will become clearer with time.

You are a brave, strong woman! It will get better with time, hang in there!

Thanks for all the words of encourgament. I am going into action this morning. I can't play the victim in this out of control infidelity melodrama anymore. I have to DO something. I am going to call every government office that is remotely connected to the court system until someone agrees to help me. I am not sending DD for another visitation until this gets resolved. My lawyer is going to have to earn his $200 an hour this week.

Gettem Lady! I know that you have it in you!

Pullin for you! Praying too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

UPDATE!!!!!

Well, it took me all day of calling but I finally have the skinny on what I need to do. And let me say, WH is possibly in deep sh*t. I didn't realize one thing when I was calling the neighboring county sheriff's department.....MY CUSTODY ORDER IS A PART OF MY ORDER OF PROTECTION!!!!!!! By violating the custody portion of the order, he is essentially violating the order of protection! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! There you have it folks. Sweet Justice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Reading from the actual order "Violation of this Order may be punished by confinement in jail for as long as five years and by a fine of as much as five thousand dollars. Violation of this order is a Class A misdemeanor, or Class D felony if Respondent has previously pled guilty or was found guilty of any violation of an Order of Protection within 5 years of this order" God help me, I want him to go to jail. Isn't that awful? He really really deserves it. I told my attorney that I have to do this. He has to realize that I am not going to tolerate this anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So, essentially I have to call and file a violation of my order of protection with my county and he could face criminal prosecution. The only thing I am worried about is that he is a county police officer for the county I live in. I am very afraid that when I do call that this will get swept under the rug like his suicide attempt did. Nevermind that, I am too happy to have something I can do to put a stop to this situation to worry too much about that right now. My attorney is going to arrange a settlement conference with the judge as soon as he possibly can. At that time we can try and reach a settlement or we can also redirect our PDL motion and bring everything back to the table. Gosh my heart is beating so fast right now. I am so afraid that tomorrow I will find something else out I didn't know and everything will come crashing back down again. For now though, I am happy.

I have to wonder what kind of attorney would not advise his client of this possibility with WH actions? WH cannot be that stupid. It seems to me maybe his attorney failed to mention that this is not a regular custody agreement. This carries with it a mighty whollop when violated. He may lose his job, face prosecution, big fines... I am amazed. I don't know, maybe WH is that stupid. I wish I had known that I could do this after the first time. I would have filed a violation every single time. Tonight I will call the dispatch and see if I can get an officer out to take my report and file the violation. I hope this is the turn of the tide........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Okay, no we are getting somewhere....What I mean is that entitled waywards (most imo are narcissitic) understand saying what you are going to do then doing it consistently over time. This is what they "get" not much else gets through. Do what you need to do to see that this does not happen again or if it does then the penalty for acting an azz is steeper than WH wants to pay.

NOW.....CALL OW'S HUSBAND.....MESS WITH THEIR LITTLE SECRET FANTASY. HE DESERVES TO KNOW, YOU WOULD WANT HIM TO CALL YOU WOULDN'T YOU?

You are doing great, getting into action and all. Stay strong.

lieslies,

YAY!! YOU GO GIRL!!!!!! I am so proud of you!!! I realize that it is frustrating working with the government in general (cuz so often they have that "it's not my job" mentality)...but you stuck by your guns and stood up for yourself! You persevered and now it has paid off! The wheels of justice do grind EXCRUCIATINGLY slowly...but they do grind.

I have two thoughts for ya. Your Atty. may say "wait until after the settlement conference" but remind your Atty. that you have already had agreements with WH and with WH's attorney, and they have already violated their own agreements--so agreements to them mean nothing. Also, remind your Atty. that the COURT ordered them and they ignored that too--so apparently court orders also mean nothing to them! NOPE! You are pushing for FILING A VIOLATION OF PROTECTIVE ORDER!!!

Next thought is about your WH and his Atty. Don't look too poorly on WH's Atty. On the one hand, he may be doing what he thinks is best for his client, but OTOH I have GOT to believe that he is telling WH that continuing to violate the court order is not going to bolster his custody case. The problem is that WH is wayward--and hence, in an "entitlement" state of mind--and that your particular WH is also abusive and controlling. As such, he doesn't listen to ANYONE!!! Including stupid Attys that disagree with him or stupid Judges.

Sooooo...let us know how filing the violation of the protective order goes. We're waiting on pins and needles!!





CJ