Hi all. This was my first post here in the Plan A/B forum:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3134735

Just wanted to get your insight. We are still separated but see each other several times a week due to care for our daughter and generally trying to keep things as normal as possible for her before our baby is born. Impeccable timing, huh? I've been doing Plan A to the best of my ability (not much room for self improvement at 37 weeks pregnant) and Plan B is impossible due to children.

Anyway, I was completely exhausted emotionally and physically last night, and when WH called to "see how I was doing", Plan A went out the window and I just unloaded on him. I asked him exactly what his intentions were in this relationship, and he said, "If you're asking me if I want a divorce in two weeks, then no. If you're asking me if I'm coming home anytime soon, I don't know. If you're asking me if I know what I want, then no, I don't." He then said he realizes that he "can't leave me hanging forever" even though I've haven't put any time frame on us.

He's also said over and over that he feels nothing for me right now and doesn't know if he ever can again because he's been like this for over a year and was just trying to convince himself by going through the motions that he still loved me. He says he's changed...that he's not the same person and knows he's caused so much damage that our situation looks hopeless and beyond repair, like he can't see the bigger picture, KWIM?

He *refuses* to acknowlege his "friendship" as an EA (I think it's more of a PA as well) and I've disclosed to everyone already. Family, friends, etc. They still talk on the phone, he admits to confiding in her in the same comparison as the way I have my girlfriends to confide in. He had been keeping it very secretive until I asked him to leave and now he's more open about it. He will not admit it's anything more than friendship at this point.

He also was trying to feel me out last night by asking what kind of stipulations I would place on him if he wanted to come home and work on things. I told him I refused to answer that question right now, that we'd cross that bridge when/if the time comes. Not sure if that was the right answer, but I know he's not willing right now to follow any of it. He is starting IC and has his first session this week, and the other positive thing he said is that not a day goes by where he doesn't think about coming home. But that he only wants to do it if/when he's ready, and that he's sorry he can't tell me either way if it will ever happen.

He actually said he's looking forward to our baby's birth now and is hoping it "helps" him.

Is there any hope for this marriage? I don't want a D and am willing to swallow some pride to keep my family intact. I don't believe in running away from problems without trying to work on things first.

You know....You and your husband (H) are perfect candidates for reconcilation with the Marriage Builders (MB) principles found on this website. Have you read them yet?

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs; Lovebusters; and about Plan A and Plan B?

I admire you for being strong enough to hold your family together. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Now go forth and read.

BTW......I know you need alot more than the little I posted above and I'm sorry for that. Alot more wonderful people on these boards will have more for you.

Stay strong and I'm very sorry you have to deal with this.

DM, can you stake out his apartment and catch him in his affair? Or have him staked out? I think if you get the goods on him and bring the affair out in the open, you can start making some progress here. But as long as he can keep it secret, he can just deny it is happening and you remain in limbo.

Who is the OW and what does she do? Is she married? How old?

Do you have access to his apartment? To his cell phone bill? His computer?

I'm still working on getting through everything on this site. HN/HN, LBs and Plan A & B I'm familiar with thus far.

I know I have more reading to do...I just have a lot of major decisions that need to be made before the baby is born and unfortunately I'm in no position to be making permanent decisions.

I have to decide before the baby is born whether or not I want to go ahead with our original plan of having my tubes tied during my c-section (which now I'm doubting b/c of my unknown future with H) and also my part time job offered me a full time position which I never would've considered otherwise, except now if we D I'll need benefits and if I don't take this job my ship will have sailed and I'll be out jobhunting for a lower paying position in the midst of a new baby AND a D, KWIM?

I know everyone here has been in similarly difficult positions, but I just feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to make decisions that are based on our future.

Thanks for listening.

He's not in an apartment. He's staying at the firehouse where he volunteers. The other nights he's at work..he works 24 hour shifts as a paid firefighter so there's nothing shady happening there, I'm certain.

I've considered a stakeout but since it's at night, I can't leave our DD at home. Some of my friends may be willing to drive by the firehouse/her house at night, but again, they all have small children at home, too. Women aren't allowed at the firehouse to be "entertained" so I know she's not hanging out there...he'd get kicked out.

The OW is 26 and a single mom with a 7 year old DD...lives in an apt attached to her parents house. Not dating anyone currently, I believe. They work part time as EMT's...they see each other at emergency calls and prior to our separation he had agreed to switch his days around as to not work with her since it made me uncomfortable. Now that he's out, he's back to working with her openly since I've disclosed to all our friends/family my suspicions and he and she just deny it all.

I can access his cell but it doesn't do me any good since he admits they speak all the time. They are "just friends", remember?

He doesn't use the computer here now that we're separated. The last time I checked his account he'd cleared his history and covered his tracks. He uses his work account, most likely.

ok, so how can you get the goods so you can prove this is an affair? You have to somehow move beyond the denial stage or you will never get anywhere. If you can't get the truth on the table, you will stay in limbo. If you have the truth, you have the power to greatly harm the affair and move forward.

you don't need proof, he's having an affair and he's got you pregnant. If, if you can, go to spector.com and get the software to monitor computer activity.

Expose to his work and her parents.

Let work know he may be using their computer to communicate with a EMT who is having A's with him and maybe others. Yea raise doubts if she is doing others.

Let her bosses know their employee is having an A with other workers.

I am sorry you are in this situation. My heart goes out to you and your family. You are correct NOT to let him back until he can provide convincing evidence he is sincere.

JMHO,
L.

You can retreive the history from your computer that he cleared. This would be a start. There are people on this site who can help you with this.
Lake

Plan A is all about hope and love...

answer questions with the truth of where you want to be...

he says....
He also was trying to feel me out last night by asking what kind of stipulations I would place on him if he wanted to come home and work on things. I told him I refused to answer that question right now, that we'd cross that bridge when/if the time comes. Not sure if that was the right answer, but I know he's not willing right now to follow any of it

well what is the answer to this question??

MY answer is

dear husband I want and desire a marriage and relationship between us where we love and cherish one another...

I want to you to feel fullfilled and to know how much I adore and admire you...

I want the same for me..
I want a true partnership in which each does for the other...

two people committed to eachother and the children...

it may take work to get us there..
but I believe that each of us is capable and deserves such a relationship...
and I'd be willing to work on that goal with you...

Is that NOT the bigger picture of what you want from him..

why not tell him that

where is your hope in plan A...
where is the glimpses of what can be..

that is what plan A is about

NOT about rules and regulations..
that's minutia trivial stuff that when someone is ready to be in a real relationship understand those basics.....
and they are NOT an issue....

PLAN A is love love love love...and then removing oneself from chaos so grown up has to decide their own life course..

ARK^^

I am so sorry for you pain. Reading your story is like reading my family history. All the way to the volunteer fireman, EMT, single mom having an affair with a married man. My dad was the married man. My mom was pregnant, t oo.

Have you exposed to the emt company? How about her parents?

MB was not around 26 years ago when this was our family situation. You have great tools available.

You have gotten some really good advice- please take it and do what has been suggested.

I know it looks pretty obvious that there's an affair going on. It certainly looks that way to me. Even if it hasn't gotten physical.

I would want proof of it before potentially ruining someone elses (OW) career though. It's possible that she isn't as deeply involved as he is. I'm not saying she's not.

If he's asking about "stipulations", at least he's considering continuing the marriage. It would probably be a good idea to know what those are.

I've been where he is. I wouldn't have wanted to come back home, if I thought it was going to be unpleasant.