I know a lot of you have dated younger women/men so I wanna ask you all a question. First of all, I called her today because she was driving near me on Main St and I asked her if she had plans for tonight and she said no and then came over and we wateched a movie, talked and hooked up. She left soon after and although the conversation was light for the most part, she cried when she left explaining that she didn't want a relationship because she was scared of getting hurt and that she didn't want a relationship with anyone. I asked her what she wanted and instead of telling that, she said she didn't want to feel bad about going out with her friends. I asked her what her idea of a relationship was and told her that it didn't have to be so restrictive and consuming.

Anyways, I just was curious to know what you all think of this in terms of it's potential to be more than it seems and if it makes sense to try and act casual for now in order to get there.

u r an addict who just got his fix... you WILL regret it. and you just confirmed for her she has complete power and control over you.

YOU NEED SOME FREAKIN SERIOUS HELP, THIS IS NOT HEALTHY, YOU ARE NOT STABLE, AND APPARENTLY LIKE A DRUG ADDICT YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM AND YOU CANNOT BE FAR FROM THERE NOW.

What the ****** is the matter with you man? omg. This young girl has complete power and control of you. Are you that weak of a man? do you have that little self esteem that you would grasp the moldy crumbs she tosses you? you should have left well enuff alone! you were doing good with no contact and she was not contacting you. now she sees you as nothing but weak and she KNOWS now that when ever she wants to play games with you you will be a willing participant.

THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS WOMAN COUGHLIN, WHY THE ****** CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD? HOW MANY TIMES DOES SHE HAVE TO SAY THE EXACT WORDS SHE SAID TONIGHT"I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP" IT DOESN'T GET MUCH CLEARER THAN THAT. and the part about not wanting a relationship with anyone right now, naw, she just doesn't want one with you. and why should she have to? you give her what she wants, some sex, a free night of doing something. you must be so much fun for her to just string along. SHE IS A WHACK JOB YOU SHOULD STEER CLEAR OF. but, i think you like the drama. i think you thrive on the dysfunction. i think you wouldn't know what to do with a good woman who would give you a good normal functional relationship. you are acting like an 18 year old who is hanging like a little puppy dog. oh yes,she is giving me a pat on the head, oh yes, she had sex with me, she must want to be with me. let me tell you something, sex does not to all people mean something special. it is NOT something special for her. if it was, she would be with you. if it was, she would not have it with anyone else but you (and don't be so stupid as to think you are the only one she is with) she is what you call a TRAIN WRECK coughlin. and you keep crashing over and over and over again. it is sick. she is turning you into something pathetic, a shell of a man. reading your posts you sound pathetic and desperate, and seriously off your rocker. if you could see and read what we do, you would be seriously concerned.

what is it gonna take to get you away from this sociopath? you have already seen her flirt with other men in front of you, text other men and make plans in front of you. that is not a woman who wants a relationship. you are a laughing stock to her i am sure.

a few more weeks of this and you are going to need a nice little vaca in a private hospital somewhere. you are obssessed, living breathing never stop thinking about her. this is absolutely insane.

what the ****** does your counselor say to you? if you are being honest with them i am surprised they haven't put you away for a few days, they most certainly cannot think this is healthy?

this is not good at all coughlin, not a good thing at all. pick yourself up and be a man and stop allowing yourself to be walked on like this. stand up to her, be a man, and stop tolerating it. and get some help PLEASE.you know NO ONE is going to support you on this so if you are actually looking for people on this board to be ok with this woman, you are looking in the wrong place.

once again, just my honest BTDT opinion. But you NEVER listen to any of us and our honest warnings and trying to help you so you must know what is best huh coughlin? we must be a bunch of idiots who know nothing because you don't listen to any of us. why do you ask for our help when you do not take ANY of our advice? i don't get it. we are NOT going to support you on this period. if you want to be with this woman than go and stalk her and beg her and plead with her, but leave it off of this board. if you truly want to stop this behavior and you want to get better and leave this woman far behind in the dust we are here for you, but we will NOT support this dysfunction. No one has so far and I doubt, the more crazy your posts get, that anyone is going to start now.

you are so much better than this, reading your posts is just getting so depressing. it is sad to hear a grown man acting this desperate.

mlhb

Coughlin,

You are on a cyclical treadmill of self destruction.

You really do need to see someone for counseling. Your patterns of behavior look a lot like a compulsive disorder plus something else mixed in. Please note I'm not a Dr.

What is you need to see from this girl, that she hasn't already shown you, that will prove to you she is not your next partner?

Your self respect, your self esteem need work. Take the steps to care for yourself. Alone, not trying to hold on to this girl at the same time.

Anyways, I just was curious to know what you all think of this in terms of it's potential to be more than it seems and if it makes sense to try and act casual for now in order to get there.

Well, I think that she loves you with all her heart and that she is just simply a bit confused.

She doesn't mean to do anything wrong when she texts other men to meet in bars, she is just friendly.

Everytime she comes over for sex she is just showing you how very much she cares for you.

Everytime she tells you that she doesn't want a relationship with you it is because she is just wanting for the right time to tell you that she loves you madly and wants to be with you forever.

Everytime she quickly leaves after "hooking up" with you it is because her heart is so full of love for you that she cannot bear to be in the same room for fear of melting with desire.

Everytime she refused to introduce you to her friends it was because she was so afraid that they would want you too and try to steal you away from her. It doesn't matter that all her friends appear to be men....alternative lifestyles ya know.

Yes, I see a great future for she and you. You are going to be so very happy together one day soon.

She loves you man...she really loves you...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

<there> dusting hands off...that is what you WANT to hear right??? That is the purpose of all these threads that you start about this young girl...right??


Just so you know..my H was 37 and I was 27 when we met and married within 7 months. I was at the same station in life as he was. We both had been married (he was divorced and I was widowed) and we each had children (mine were practically enfants). I had a full time job and he was an officer in the military.

My parents didn't appear to be concerned about the age difference because there happened to be 12 years difference with them. Again...they were at the same station in life when they met and married within 6 WEEKS of meeting. She was a school teacher and he was a coal miner.

My daughter is almost 24 and fresh out of nursing school. She has a full time RESPONSIBLE job and the young man she is now seeing is 8 years older and he is a state trooper. I told her to tread lightly with this relationship because she still has a bit of catching up to do in order to be at the same place that he is.

Logistics coughlin...logistics...

committed

I think, guys, you are too tough...

I understand why you are saying all (you try to help him and all you say it's with the best purpose, your concern and care for Coughlin)... but -
ALL of us have been there, hoping in vain, obsessing even, imagining 'what ifs', torturing ourselves with trying and trying again to find the way to be with someone happy... and it didn't last a couple of days, months, it lasted couple of years for many people...
(Yes, you'll say you had marriage to fight for, but I'm not talking about that, but about - feelings... and feelings don't recognize what marital status someone is in, they are strong or weak, they are right or wrong, regardless...)
And I'm sure that ALL of us listened (from our family, friends, MBers) what we should do and what not.
And NEITHER of us stop that vicious circle because of that what we were told, but when WE were ready - on our own.
KWIM?

It takes time...
Coughlin just 'thinks loud' when writing here (I had more scary thought in time of my own sorrow...), and it'll come to him one day, clear and releaving...

We can only hope that Coughlin, in all this selftorturement, will not do any harm to himself, nor to the others...
And hope he'll let it go and be free, as soon as possible...
For life is much better without the one who's bringing pain...
(Unless someone is a masochist... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />)

i understand what you are saying, i really do. i just feel like, every time i read his posts, it is like dealing with one of my children who is throwing a tantrum because they can't have what they want and they are trying to figure all ways to force me to give it to them anyway. it is like trying force a square peg into a round role ya know? no matter how much you jam it it ain't gonna work! and i know i did that in my marriage. that is one of the reasons why i get so frustrated, i would like to see coughlin get out of this mess sooner than later. i feel like the last few years of my marriage were WASTED YEARS. completely wasted lost years i could have been doing so much better and so much more productive things with my life rather than trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole.

coughlin, that is all i am trying to say. i am not trying to be mean, just radial honesty.

mlhb

I think, guys, you are too tough... I understand why you are saying all (you try to help him and all you say it's with the best purpose, your concern and care for Coughlin)... but -
ALL of us have been there, hoping in vain, obsessing even, imagining 'what ifs', torturing ourselves with trying and trying again to find the way to be with someone happy

I, for one, think that he is wrong for doing what he is doing...which is sleeping with this young girl who has told him over and over that she is not wanting a relationship with him.

She is using sex like a well oiled snare...only to spring it and let him loose when she has no need of him. He shouldn't perpetuate this cycle by sleeping with her again and again. If he loved her as much as he says he does...he wouldn't...but that is just my opinion. This girl is barely past adulthood and it sounds like she hasn't reached emotionally mature and capable of handling an adult relationship.

It is going to continue and she is going to use a word besides "seduce".

committed

well, i agree with that too. i think if this girl were to go to counseling (which she probably needs to do. for her to be all over men the way she is i am guessing some pretty low self esteem or she validates her youth and beauty by the attention she gets from men, either way it needs some help) i think a counselor would tell her that coughlin SHOULD NOT have been perpetuating this cycle, that he should have been old enuff at his age to know better. Everyone makes their own choice, my belief is he shouldn't be sleeping with someone who he is not in a relationship with and i think he messes with her head as much as she messes with his when he does this. the last few times she had sex with him for crying out loud she left in tears! he needs to leave her alone, she is obviously a mess, and yes, in this case AGE MATTERS. she is a very young twenty something who has a lot of emotional growing up to do. i think she needs to get some help too personally.

mlhb

I hear what you are all saying except that this time I'm actually listening. I went to see her this morning after reading your post mlhb because I knew it wouldn't be right unless she wanted to be with me in a relationship. We talked with a mutual friend of ours and it seems like we have some major differences that neither one of us our able to accept. I don't understand how she could have strong feelings for me and not want to be in a relationship. I took it personal and yes, it did affect my self-esteem so I tried to compensate that with hooking up, thinking that would make me feel more adequate but it was only temporary and now, I realize that we are not right for eachother.

As much as that hurts, I can't make her wanna be with me and change the past that has made her afraid to want to be in a relationship with anyone. I'll be honest, I'm hurting, worse then before and I'm not sure how to proceed with my life but I do know what I want and that's for someone to love me and show it, every chance they get. She is immature and only cares about things that don't matter as much to me and visa-versa. That is the bottom line.

Thanks again for setting me straight. I miss being in a relationship with someone who genuinely cares. The next chapter of my life is coming and I pray that it brings me happiness and peace as I wish for you all.

My heart is broken and my spirit is sad. I felt like an addict trying to force her to be something that she wasn't. This is rock-bottom for me and it can only get better from here. I wish her the best in all that life has in store for her and for me, I just want what I deserve--True Love.

coughlin,

i do care.
i know i sound very 2x4ish sometimes, but it is because i do care and want to see you become the man you are capable of being with a woman who is deserving of you.

i do not know if you are a "god believing" man but i just started the 40 day miracle at www.40day.com

go and check it out. it, i think, will help you get through this.

mlhb

Coughlin, there are a lot of strong feelings we can have for another person that don't equate wiht relationship or love, a big one being lust. Give your ego a little stroke, and recognize she was hot for your bod. Then, make a HUGE mental note to the effect "Sex does not equal Love," and "Just because she lusts after me doesn't mean she loves me." We women have had to learn this, and it looks like some men will have to, too. Sorry.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but it will get better now that you realize you two were doing a fantasy dance. The feelings may have been real but they were fomr an illusion.

Get some rest.

Mlhb, I understand you too; you are a good person willing to help, and I'm glad Coughlin got it that way, for that can help him too.
Same for Comitted... I agree with both of you, in general...

Coughlin, hope this now is revelation and soon you will be free for new happy possibilities.

Regards and best wishes to all of you

But if you don't get some PROFESSIONAL help Coughlin, after all the 2X4's anyone here can throw at you, we'll all be reading yet another "relapse" tale of woe from you, and you will be yet even sadder and more hurting than you are now. That's what Addicts do. That's how Addicts are.

You've used the correct words for yourself....

"Addicted"
"Relapse"
"except that this time I'm actually listening"
"I went to see her this morning after reading your post"

These are ALL Addict-based words & phrases & behaviors. Just like a druggy cannot break free alone, neither will you.

What are you going to do about it?

By the way, this will sound hard & uncaring, but it's the opposite: When you tell us how sad & hurting you are, that's an Addict's ploy for sympathy. Cause you're just going to repeat your self-destructive behavior soon & then "relapse" into yet another round of "I'm sooooo sad & hurting, Y'all PLEASE have pity upon me...PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE"!!

About the worst thing any of us here could do is facilitate your self-destruction by being too sympathetic to your self-induced drug-of-choice = SEX / Relationship Addiction.

So don't keep trying the ole "I'm so very sad & hurting more than ever before" deal OK? You've been "outted"!!!

We at MB are NOT the professional help you need to get & so many of us have pointed out your need of it.

I for one am not going to waste any more of my valuable & limited life time on trying to help you either so long as you won't get help & continue to exhibit Addiction-based behavior.

So what are YOU going to do about it Coughlin? Only YOU can do anything at all.

I am your brother,
High Flight

What am I going to do about it? Take it day by day and work on fixing that part of me that allowed myself to be treated so poorly and be the man that I admire and respect and surround myself with caring, descent people who don't take me for granted.

I will be happy and find my way with God's help. Someone is out there right now waiting for me and I will keep my eyes and ears open to those possibilities.