When my WW left her home and family 4 months ago to be free to pursue her affair with the OM she obviously felt she had everything worked out. In her fantasy world she envisioned us as being friends, the 4 kids (20,19,16 and 14)going back and forth between our 2 homes and readily accepting the OM into their lives.The reality today is somewhat differentfrom what she hoped for.I have not seen her since she left and have only spoken with her 3 times by phone prior to beginning plan B 1 month ago.The idea of us being friends under these conditions to me is unthinkable.The kids have chosen to have absolutely no contact with her and as for accepting the OM, well, in this whole sad mess with so much uncertainty, the only thing I feel certain of saying is that acceptance of the OM by our kids will never happen.I don't think my WW fully realizes the hard stand her family has taken toward her.Maybe it will take Christmas without any of her family before reality begins to intrude on the fantasy.Does the OM try to reassure her that they have done the 'right thing'and the kids will eventually 'come around'.I keep recalling Sue in Surviving An Affair whose 2 girls were openly hostile towards Greg.This hostility played a part in the eventual demise of their affair.A dark thought is that my WW has made a choice and the consequences are a price that she is willing to pay.A mother that would sacrifice her relationship with her kids to continue her affair.Is it worth it ?

Some day she will wake up and deeply grieve her poor, tragic judgment. Just as a drunk sobers up and realizes with horror the terrible things he has done, she will probably experience a similar nightmarish awakening.

Reassure your children of your support. Make them a part of your support group and be a part of theirs. Get IC for them if needed and tell them you are all a part of your family and will see this through together. Let them know their choice NOT to have a WS or OM in their lives is their choice and you support it.

Be open and honest with your children. They don't have to know all but they shouldn't be kept in the dark either.

JMHO,
L.

Even after learning more than I wanted to know about affairs, it still amazes me how mothers especially can so cold-heartedly abandon their children to persue a R with OP.

I would have to agree with Mel here that her addiction to OM is blinding her and one day whe will wake up to the destruction she has caused. Your kids will put tremendous stress on your WW and OM as they attempt to live in fantasy land.

I would have to agree with Mel here that her addiction to OM is blinding her and one day whe will wake up to the destruction she has caused. Your kids will put tremendous stress on your WW and OM as they attempt to live in fantasy land. Last Sept. I spoke with Steve Harley and he felt that if the present situation continued through Christmas,that January would bring some break in the affair.Even though she is not the same person in her WS state,I don't think my WW is that far gone to permanently choose OM over her kids. I think what gets her through each day is that she must continually convince herself that the situation with the kids is only temporary.But who knows? There is a WH near here who left his family 9 yrs. ago to be with the OW.He is still with OW and for 9 yrs. his 2 oldest kids have not spoken to him.How can he possibly think it was worth it?

Not2late,

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

I too ask myself the same thing. WH has been living with OW for 7 mos. now. How can he just abandon his family for her, a person 1/2 his age?

I thought having Thanksgivng without his family would affect him. It didn't. I doubt not being here for Christmas will make any impact either.

He's happy in his single life with her.

I know everyone says A's eventually end and WS's wake up and see what they've done. I honestly don't see that EVER happening.

I'm having such a hard time to even go on. I blame myself, even though I shouldn't. If I was a better wife etc. this would never have happened. I feel as if I've let my kids down by not having a 2 parent family for them to grow up in. I cry everyday. I'm on AD"s, but they don't seem to be doing anyhting. I'm in IC. I think I'm only surviving for my kids right now. I've just had enough.

I admire the people that can put up with it all for years. It's only been 7 mos. for me and I can't go on anymore.

Our D should be final soon, maybe early next year, but I still don't see that as being any sort of closure for me.

To you, whose wife or husband who is lost in the throes of an affair, your wayward spouse does not see nor understand the results of their actions. They are lost in their affair and see only goodness in their actions. They perhaps see their betrayed spouse as a victim of circumstances, an unfortunate soul who is merely a casualty of war. The concept that one must suffer so the other can live is as clear as crystal to only ONE person, the betrayer. To any other objective view there will only surface heartbreak and horror but to the wayward spouse there is only goodness and love. Until the wayward spouse can see that dichotomy, the affair is fueled forward giving it lasting power. Until the wayward spouse learns and believes that “love” is merely a choice to love then they will act solely on their feelings. That is selfishness at the expense of ALL others.

The children whom are left bewildered, likely wonder how one of their parents could perpetuate such a grievous act on someone they love so much. It is indeed their forced duty to make a choice. They must pick sides, as their indifference is really a choice to side with the wayward. I might suggest that it is important for them to understand the basic immorality of the choice that the wayward has made. They need to know what is wrong with that choice and why it should never be an option. I would suggest and urge the spouse left behind to seek the clear and precious reasons why what has happened is wrong.

I sincerely hope that your wayward spouse finds the clear goodness in making an effort to repair the damage they have caused. I believe that the ones who do make this effort are often times rewarded beyond their expectations. I do not know if your husbands or wives might return to you. I can only assure you that you have choices left and that those choices can lead to opportunities. Use the talents of the many gifted counselors to assist you in turning this “negative” into a “positive”. Pay attention to the things that are important to you that live outside of your life with your spouse.

There is life outside of the life with your spouse. Search it out and you will find it.

Mr. G

catgirl, thanks for your post and the only thing I can say to help is what everyone keeps saying to me 'it WILL get better'. I've been thinking about WS's who leave their kids.With my WW, it seems that knowing her kids are being reasonably well cared for (by me) is enough for her.Not being involved in their lives is a consequence she is willing to accept, for now anyway. Mr. Goodstuff, in his post, says that a WS " is lost in the affair and see only goodness in their actions".I guess this explains how my WW, still involved in an adulterous affair, continues to attend mass and receive communion each Sunday.

N2L,

Well the WS may be willing to accept less than the minimum but in time her selfish WS side will demand you do more for HER and she may use the children as her weapon.

So get prepared. U r doing good for the family? Document it, secure your case for custody of the children. Expect her to step in and take credit for what you have done.

L.

Almost every day I come on this site and hope to find positive news concerning the situations of the posters on this forum whose stories closely resemble my own.Like myself,hope this works,silent lucidity, catgirl,hiker 45,lunamare,johnstwin and others all have WS's who have left their homes and families to be with the OP.You anxiously await good news in their posts,not only because of the camaraderie that you feel develops due to similar circumstances,but also because good news for one is good news for all in the sense that if a WS returns then there is hope for the rest of us.In the 2 months that I've been posting (not very long I realize)there have been no changes in our situations.I guess I would really like some board members to say that yes, despite the fact that your WS has left,we have, over the years seen many M's recover in situations exactly the same as yours.Despite trying to maintain a positive attitude, deep down I see plan D as being the most probable outcome in my own case.

You have to decide if you want to be supported with real help or just the feel good kind.

You need a plan, a good one. Then you need a back up plan with your boundaries clearly marked.

You want to read recovery stories? Go to the recovery board. But you will be disappointed since you are no wheres near recovery yet.

So why wish for the moon when you need t/d work at home?

Btw, my WS left for 3 1/2 months. 3 months later he got to spend a few days in jail for DV charges then had a reality check when he spent less than 1 wk with OW.

You know how to drive when you hit an oil slick after the 1st rain? Do you brake hard, turn out or turn into the spin? Of course, you would like to know about those who survived such dramatic adventure but isn't it better to know what they did to survive it?

L.

There has been no change in my sitch since last posting, ww still with om,me still in planB and the kids still choosing no contact with their mother.I would appreciate some advice on the following.On Christmas Eve my WW had a family friend deliver gifts for each of the kids and a box filled with cinnamon buns,
chocolate chip cookies and a blueberry pie(my favorite) wiich she had baked.The kids have placed the gifts, unopened, over in a corner away from the tree.Their intention is to return them to their mother.The baked goods remain in the box.I want them to make their own decision on this but I realize that what I say or do can influence their choice.How do I handle this?

I think that you should do nothing in regards to the gifts and baked goods. Let it truly be their decision w/o any influence from you. That way if they decide to send the things back and WW accuses you of having a hand in it the kids can tell her truthfully that you had nothing to do with it. You also shouldn't force them to keep anything from her if they don't want too, that would be invalidating their feelings. I think that as long as the children aren't being disrespectful in their interactions with WW that they have the right to have any kind of relationship they want to with her.