My sister n law cheated on my brother over a year ago. He called me during this chaos and I was shocked about the whole thing. He continued to lean on me for emtional support since I had been through this myself. I had thought of her like a sister. She viewed my support of him as being "against" her. I felt hurt by her "secret" life ( I thought we were confidants) and the pain she caused my brother, their kids and all the families.


Since her affair came to light we have not spoken. They've stayed together but it's been rough. My brother is not sure if she will do it again or even if her wandering eye has calmed down.

Now we are all getting together for the holidays and I'm sure there will be tension. She is already complaining to my family about her nervousness at having to "face" me since it all happened. I cold turkey quit talking to her and told her that I felt she betrayed me as well. She has tried to send cards and always mentions how she doesn't feel she needs to apologize to me for her life choices ???? And that she doesn't understand why I'm upset with her and why I won't talk to her anymore.

How do I deal with her at the holidays? I'm not looking forward to this but at the same time I feel like I need to get things off my chest and just have it out with her.

thoughts? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, shame on her for not facing you and offering an apology for hurting your brother. Adultery hurts much more than just the spouse, but other family members. You are right, she did betray you as well. If she doesn't feel she should apologize, then you can't force her to behave decently. It appears that she cares more about defending her right to sleazy behavior than making amends to those she harmed.

If it were me, I wouldn't say anything about it. I would be civil for your brothers sake, but keep my distance.

That is quite a problem.

Maybe you could try and explain the hurt that you experienced without judgement. Not easy to do. If my WW was to return, I would need a lot of explaining to defend her right to make mistakes.

What does you brother think of her cards, her attitude. After all, he is the most hurt and at the risk of her relapsing into infidelity.

It looks like their recovery was not done. Did they find recovery impossible?

Well, they are still married but they didn't go through any sort of professional marriage repair. It's hanging on by a thread.

He just basically got tired of spying on her and she swore it was over (affair) but I don't know how much he pain he's still in inside. She never left the house because she doesn't earn enough to be on her own, plus the OM was just having a rebound fling.

I know that in the past she has complained about not being in love with my brother, that he's no fun etc. So it was probably just a matter of time before this happened.

She was very vocal about her hatred of affairs/cheating when I was going through my divorce (ex cheated) so it was surprising to hear that she had one (and another EA that didn't go PA)

My brother grew tired of worrying about her and her cheating and had to start worrying about his own health. He lost lots of weight, started smoking again and basically was falling apart. I'm sure he hasn't worked out his anger about it all- but like most people, they just want things to go back to "normal" before the pain and affair discovery.

Did you or your brother and his wife, or you for that matter read SAA? The recovery is aimed at creating love in the marriage and also removing the circumstances that made the A possible.

DLK21

OG, truly, this is your SIL's problem and if she wants your forgiveness she is going to have to ask for it. She has to face your family without ever having attempted to make amends. Apparently, she doesn't care, though. The onus is all on her.

She owes you and your family an apology, but you can't demand it. Nor can you change or correct her marriage.

At best you can give your brother SAA and send him here, but outside of that, you should just stay out of it. It really is sad that she doesnt realize the damage she has inflicted on her family and isn't wil;ling to correct it, but you can't force her.

Your SIL is now facing some of the natural consequences of her lies and cheating, and she doesn't like it. She wants you to make things better for her so she doesn't have to go through any discomfort.

Don't do it.

Let her reap what she has sown. It's often said around here that "pain is the best medicine for an unrepentant WS." She put herself in this position and she's the only one who can get herself out.

Let her know that you will NOT do this for her. Just ignore her as much as possible at the family gatherings and spend your time on someone worthwhile.

Good luck.
Mulan