WW is finally entering full withdrawal. It is 3 weeks after DDay and NC is finally agreed upon by both WW and OM.

As many WW's apparently do, she is avoiding looking at her own actions and choices and exclusively blaming me for the pain we are all in now. While I know I contributed to the M having problems before the A, I feel that WW should still accept responsibility and admit that not only was the A a bad choice, but that she contributed to the problems in the M before the A as well.

So far I am not trying to correct her or "educate" her. I am letting her get this out of her system. Is that a mistake? Am I just letting her cement the idea in her head that this is somehow all my fault, even though she did the betraying? I don't want her to beg for forgiveness, but I would at least like her to acknowledge her role in this, and think of how she is going to have to change and grow as a person going forward as well.

It looks like examining her own actions at this point is way too painful, and I assume deep down she knows she made a horrible mistake. Should I continue to allow her to deal with the guilt, shame, confusion, etc. by blaming me?

NS

Make sure you have your support group, including your MC on alert. Right now you need to be slick and NOT take her guilt. You are wise NOT to educate her. This withdrawal thing c/b painful. The more painful it is, the more entrenched the A was in her soul.

Expect her to accuse of living and all in between. Hear it and walk away. She may come out and be more blatant in her effort to engage you into a fight.

Acknowledge what you can and give back the rest.

Get your mind and heart in sync so you can either go to plan B or D as needed. You will now once you have identified your personal boundaries and put your self in sync.

L.

It's best not to assume anything about a WW. Took me a year to learn this... the hard way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

NS, did you read the thread about withdrawal I posted on your other thread? I think you have much more to worry about here than getting her to admit her fault in the affair. She has just now agreed to NC, which means that you must watch and make sure no contact takes place. You will also have to endure her withdrawal. But the most important thing is to ensure that contact does not resume. Has she taken steps to end all contact?

I am almost sure that she was 50% to blame for the marriage state before the affair and is 100% to blame for having an affair. PERIOD>

Careful

A WS just entering withdrawal is still very much in denial and justification mode AND still very much addicted.

Sometimes a WS needs to lay all the blame for their choices on the BS because of guilt too heavy to deal with...

Sometimes a WS is justifying what they did (and maybe will do again)...

The danger lies in this: If the WS doesn't take any responsibility for what they did, they might assure themselves that they can keep right on doing it, and just keep blaming it on you.

My XWH would waffled back and forth between OW and me several times, and each time he went back to OW managed to pretend it was my fault.

I'm assuming your in Plan A right now?
Beware the WS trying to bait you into argument.
Have boundaries lovingly guarded.
Because when the WS slips off the wagon and contacts the OP they want to blame it all on you (they supposedly TRIED to reconcile and end the affair.... but YOU wouldn't forgive/forget/trust/whatever...) Don't be baited into argument. YOU know it wasn't all your fault. It takes a whiel for WS fog to lift.

It's only been three weeks since D-Day;
Three weeks of no contact is needed to break the strongest part of the addiction and clear the fog away.

Careful

A WS just entering withdrawal is still very much in denial and justification mode AND still very much addicted.

Sometimes a WS needs to lay all the blame for their choices on the BS because of guilt too heavy to deal with...

Sometimes a WS is justifying what they did (and maybe will do again)...

The danger lies in this: If the WS doesn't take any responsibility for what they did, they might assure themselves that they can keep right on doing it, and just keep blaming it on you.

My WXH would waffled back and forth between OW and me several times, and each time he went back to OW he pretended it was my fault.

"Should I continue to allow her to deal with the guilt, shame, confusion, etc. by blaming me?"

IMO that is a way of NOT dealing with it. At some point she will have to take some responsibility. But for now, the big task is sticking to no contact with OM at least three weeks.

I'm assuming your in Plan A right now?
Beware the WS trying to bait you into argument.
Have boundaries lovingly guarded.
Because when the WS slips off the wagon and contacts the OP they want to blame it all on you (they supposedly TRIED to reconcile and end the affair.... but YOU wouldn't forgive/forget/trust/whatever...) Don't be baited into argument. YOU know it wasn't all your fault. It takes a while for WS fog to lift.

It's only been three weeks since D-Day;
Three weeks of no contact is needed to break the strongest part of the addiction and clear the fog away.

One of the most helpful things anyone said to me was, "Don't run interference for his conscience."

Let her blame you for the affair. Listen. Silence does not necesarily mean agreement.

You won't accomplish anything by trying to convince her.

Respectful

I am a former WW ('NEWLY' former WW). My husband and I are in counseling and we're working things out. I'm not sure if this will help, but I will tell you how I was feeling after this all happened. In a small way I partly blamed my husband for what I did at first. I thought, "Well, he wasn't meeting all of my needs...I became unhappy...so I had the affair". It was until I realized WHY I truly had the affair that I put the all the blame on me. It took the help of counseling to help me realize that I did not protect myself and that was the reason for my affair. Protecting myself includes body language, length and depth of conversations, etc... My husband did nothing to cause the affair. I would suggest you get help. You and your wife both need to learn why she really had the affair (maybe then she'll put the blame where it belongs), and how she plans to protect herself and how to protect you. NC is also very important. I don't think I went through a withdrawl stage, so I don't know how that really affects someone. My affair lasted about a week. I kick myself everyday for what I did and how I hurt so many people...especially my husband. I'm still dealing with the shame and guilt of it all. I'm glad my husband didn't try to 'educate' me. He left that to the counselor. I'm not very good with advice, but I hope this helps! Good luck!