My WH has left to be with OW and returned home 3 days later. He is going through terrible hurt/pain/withdrawl. He is not sure he's where he's supposed to be. He was miserable living with her. But now that he's home, he isn't sure he gave it enough time.

What to do? Help please.

MCP

mcp,

I'm sure Orchid will show up soon chere....but I thought I'd take a stab at this myself in the meantime. I firmly believe that one of the most destabilizing things that can happen is for the WS to move back home (and the BS to take them back in) while the WS is still in deep fog....without clear conditions for reconciliation and a recovery plan in place. Once they actually leave home....I think they're needs to be a "ticket" to get back in.... something they have to strive for with conditions and accountability.

Many BSs are all to quick to allow them to come back home <fear> and then they end up needing to coddle a morose, withdrawn wayward who doesn't really know what he wants yet. Often, they leave and return several times....which is terribly hard and unfair to the betrayed spouse and does even more damage to the marriage.

I have seen a few exceedingly strong betrayeds who are willing and able to help their waywards grieve the loss of the affair. Personallly.....I don't think I could do it, I don't think I'd "want" to do it....and finally....I'm not sure it's the best course. In your place....I'd ask my H to bunk up for a while with family/friends while he sorts through his feelingss and to return home when he is less likely to keep harming you and he's really ready to consider the reasonable conditions that will be necessary to ensure the future of your family. He needs to see that while you "want" him....you don't "need" him to be happy or strong. I believe that confidence and patience better serve reconcilation than fear or desperation.

He cannot put energy where it will do anyone any good while he's grieving and waffling. It will kill you, and your love for him while you watch him mope. If you are one of the rare breed who can be selfless enough to hold his hand through this.....then you've got to make your own decision about what's best for you....but guard your heart and your love....because it will be very hard.

So....my advice would be to tell H something like this: "H, I can see that you are not ready to come home yet. It's very painful to watch you grieve for XXXX, and I do not want to feel like a consolation prize. Please find some temporary lodging with your family and when you're ready to come home, I would love to talk to you about what that would look like. I love you and I want us to have the best chance to rebuild our marriage....that cannot happen while you're still grieving for XXX."

I've made it clear the condition for him being home is NC with OW. That if he goes to see her, he takes his stuff back with him. He's agreed to not see her and she has agreed to not see him (so he says), unless he's ready to commit to her.

I am strong enough to help him through the greiving process.... at least for now. It hurts like ******, but I can't let him go through it alone. We've been through too much in our 22 years together to just shut him out. Right or wrong, I know in my heart that he needs me and this is something I have to do.

mcp,

When my WS had similar withdrawals, I learned it was better NOT to stop him. Talking was part of recovery but the words still hurt. What was to my advantage was that the WS and OW already had a bad experience living together and he came home....maybe his guilt was also playing a part.

I reminded him we needed our H & dad home but NOT the WS. The WS was NOT welcomed in our home and he either had to check the WS out on the curb (not even at the front door) or NOT come in our home. Our home was a safe haven and happy place for our family. Ws' were NOT welcomed in our environment.

That put the onis on him to keep himself in check. I did not hold him back from going to the OW but if I even smelled a whiff of the stink A, he was out the door.

I let him know we loved him as our H and dad but NOT as the WS. Any WS' displays cost him 1 exit. Continued angry outburst or other WS attitudes cost him a night out in his truck in the middle of winter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He paid that price a few times. In time, it stopped.

Basically I wore the WS out of him but it took a toll on myself and our son. The toll it took was that it let us know we could live without him and each of his exits affirmed that thought. Even now I have to watch my anger, for when I get upset, I want to kick him out. I have a very low tolerance for stupidity and WS' are plain stupid!

Let your Xws know you will 'try' to understand his withdrawal but since you have not affection for the OW, you can't fully understand how a loving family member would even converse with a strange person like the OW (say it just like that) much less have an A and withdrawal. That's what I told my Xws. He knew I couldn't comprehend it, I clarified it up front so he couldn't use it as a point of contention.

I think the more you diffuse his excuses, the harder it will be for him to make them. Let him know he can call Steve H @ MB for phone counseling or get with a good MC.

The damage and repair is his. You can't do it for him. That is why it is important to pray for a clear mind, calm heart & lots of patience.

This is a difficult time for you but the less you do for him, the more he will learn t/d for himself and that may be a good thing.

take care,
L.

mcp,

I think Orchid and I are saying many of the same things. You may be strong enough to withstand his incredibly selfish withdrawal....but that doesn't mean you should do it. It's not enough to honor your husband and marriage....you must also honor yourself and so should HE!

It hurts like ******, but I can't let him go through it alone.

Why not? Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to let them fail. It is not so different from letting anyone else face the consequences of their actions. If your child forgets their homework....do you run it up to school with it? (So they can become dependent on the fact that you will) Or do you let them face the teacher without it? (And learn not to forget it again?) There is only one way to learn....and that is through experience. If you want your wayward husband to learn your value, and the value of his family and marriage....then you mustn't coddle or enable him to hurt you. It's exceedling cruel for him to expect you listen to him lament over the pain of losing the woman who threw your life into chaos....and I'm not sure how much he'll respect you if you let him. Again....you must be his choice....not his consolation prize.

We've been through too much in our 22 years together to just shut him out.

Please consider reading Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" because we're not talking about a little boy here....he's a grown man who (after 22 years) left you for another woman. Treat him as though he's pitiful....and he will be pitiful. Be calm and patient....but also firm and confident. Show him compassion....but show compassion for yourself TOO!

Right or wrong, I know in my heart that he needs me and this is something I have to do.

You can't rescue him from himself....he has to grieve and choose....and you can't do that for him. Maybe you're confusing need with love? You want to help him....and the way to do that is not to enable him....anymore than you'd enable someone else for making those kinds of destructive choices. If you make it easy....you make it easy for him to do it again. You are also doing him a huge disservice because by shielding him from the pain he's caused everyone....it only takes longer for him to realize what he risked and how empty his relationship with the OW really is. You may think you can do this....and maybe you can....but at what price?

Help your HUSBAND....NOT your WAYWARD spouse. If he's not ready....tell him to come back when he IS ready. When he's ready to rebuild your marriage is when you should HELP him and show him that you are "there" for him.

The best thing I ever did to reach recovery....was only deal with my husband....not the entitled, selfish, wayward he had become. And the next best thing....was to let him know that I WANTED him....but didn't NEED him.



Blessings to you.

Star*fish & I are in complete agreement but she says it better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Okay, I haven't posted regarding this for awhile. Here's why ... after being home for 4 days he left again. He was gone for almost three weeks. I did a "terms and conditions" type of letter after he was 2 weeks gone. Stated what the path to home was, and what I would accept/not accept if he chose to come back home. He returned home Sunday (12/17) after 3 weeks of fighting/bickering/nagging/miserable life with OW.

The withdrawl started to set in again that night. It is different this time than last time. He wants to be home, where last time I think he was running away from her.

What can I expect? What should be my next step towards recovery? I know each situation and person are different, but how long does this wallowing in self pity last?

It lasts as long as it lasts...from 2 weeks to 6 months, but with NC in place their symptoms lesson over time.

Now is the time to minimize relationship talks, Plan A your azz off and try to establish a sense of normalcy in the marriage. Try to spend Harley's recommended 15 hours of week together reconnecting with each other. Go to your favorite restaurants, places and do familiar thing with each other.

No lovebusters, and don't say anything disrespectful about the OP.

Keep reading, learning, posting, and you'll get through this.

Best wishes,
SD

What are things I should expect from him? Will he break NC? Will he slowly see the error of his ways?

I do no relationship talk at all? Not even to figure out what where we go from here? What is the next step?

I've planned A my rear off since DDay, and he's left twice. First time he was gone 3 days, and then left again 4 days later. This time he was gone 3 weeks. I get a good feeling about his return. He hasn't "unpacked" yet. Is he thinking about leaving yet again? Do I ask him any of these questions? Just looking for any suggestion/advice/comments from anyone who's been there.

My sitch is a little different as she is also pregnant. Baby is due in March. I'm insisting on DNA, but he's sure it's his. He knows my terms are NC ... no matter what. We will cross the OC bridge when we have to. I will support whatever he decides at that point. But I will still insist on NC with OW. If there's go between, I will do it.

Where are you at identifying your boundaries? R U ready for plan B?

Here's the picture you gave: WS left t/b with a preggo OW who is not sure if he is the father or not. Supposed pregancy is due in March?

The OW is active with multiple men and he is wondering who t/b with? I think if you do a strong plan B, you w/b saving yourself some heartache.

Sounds like the OW is a gold digger. She will take your $$ and leave you dry all under the premise of a maybe baby.

You had better get yourself financially separted and secured away from the WS.... ASAP!

L.