Hello everyone. I am in dire need of support right now. My marriage to me feels over. My wife and I have been together since we were in high school. Seven years together and 3 years married. She is 25 and I am 23 and we were, I feel eachothers first true love. We both served in the Marines and and I got out in May of 2005, she gets out in a few weeks. We have survived going to Iraq together and her going a second time while I was getting out. Me living in Japan for my first year of service, while which we both cheated but we recovered. (very painful). We have been through our ups and downs and have changed a lot over the years, as a couple and as individuals. We have very different personalities and we do not value the same things in life, but we always knew we loved eachother anyways, and it had never really been an issue until I got out of the service.

When I got out, I started college and went full speed. I make straight A's I have won numerous awards, and have a very bright future at a top state school coming up in January. I have 2 years left of undergrad and I plan to go to law school at one of the top ten in the country. She has always known I have wanted to be successful and provide for her and our family the best I can, but my quest has come at a price now. Over the last year and a half I have been really focused and have neglected to be there for her as much as I should have. I know this but insist my intentions were not to push her away but to help our future. She does not fully understand this I don't think. She is the type to say "everyday is precious" and "I just want to be happy".

Just a few months ago we took a friend of hers into our home with her 4 year old child. This got terrible. We have no kids of our own and I could not handle having this environment in my school and homelife. I decided that it would be best for me to do my last semester for my AA at the community college near the school I would be attending in the spring. We talked about it and even though I knew she wanted me to stay, I thought she understood and was supportive. After all I was going to be closer to my and her family and friends. Things wer good for the first few weeks I was gone. I got a really awesome job at a great law firm and I have really made a good step in my and her future if there is still one. But then I got the feeling. Things got weird and she was going out alot more hanging with men from her work that I did not know. I checked up on some phone records and found a few guys numbers who I had been uncomfortable with before, and had told her to stop talking to. She did but not anymore! I confronted her and things have been a nightmare ever since. Here are some famous quotes: "they're my friends" "your just jealous" "you're crazy" "I just won't have any friends then".

So of course I react and keep snooping keep finding things.She keeps lying and blaming me. Meanwhile she gets a new cell phone so I "can't check up on her". She has a history of trying to do what she wants and then tell me a manipulated version of the truth so I don't get mad. She has admitted to doing this.

Ok so I go this past weekend to visit for thanksgiving and sort some things out. I have to decide wheter to get an apartment or sign my contract for the dorms before december 4th. So I am pressed for time on a decision which stinks. We hadn't seen eachother in 2 months and when we had been apart before all the pain went away when we saw eachother. Not this time. Things were very weird the entire 4 days I was there. The house I built for us while she was in Iraq was now a girls dormitoray, and a mess. The pictures of us were down, she wasnt wearing her ring, and I did not feel close to her at all. We fought and talked and slept in the same bed the 1st night but did not have sex. We are both young and attractive and we have always had an amazing sex life for the most part. But it felt strange so we held off.

The next day I was home alone because she had to work at her second job bartending so I got a chance to snoop around and see what has been going on. Basically the problem lies in pictures Ther eis one guy who there are lots of pictures of her sitting on his lap, his arms around her, kissing on cheeks, playing pool, both dressed sexy, drinking involved, and very uncomfortable things to see. I started to cry immediately. I did not leave to turn her away. I left to start our new life for us so all she had to do was just show up when the Marine Corps let her go. She told me later that she felt alone and he made her feel wanted. She felt like I abandoned her and left her, but she never told me anything. So later on that night I get a hold of her new cell phone and check the text messages and find her writing to him, while I was there, "hi pumpkin" "call me" " i miss you". And we exploded. It was the worst fight we have ever had, she was being physical with me, trying to get her phone back , threatening to tell the police I hit her, and held a razor blade to her wrists. She never once tried to explain.

She only reacted and tried to get the phone back. She got it for a split second to see what I was reading and "accidentally" erased the one that said "i miss you". I ran off with the phone and called the guy. He said they have a connection and a lot in common but nothing physical happened, but I dont beleive him. So now I am destroyed. i feel like she cheated on me and I don't think I want her anymore. All we did for the rest of my trip was argue then have sex, fight the have sex. She seduced me several times, and I initiated a few times but it was very very weird. It was almost like we didn't even know why we were doing that. So I am very confused.

I have a lot invested in this and dont want to just quit, but I don't feel rigth staying with her after this. Its not fair to me for all I have sacrificed for her, and I don't feel like she deserves me. It is so hard though to here her say, she wants to work it out and go to counseling and all that but I don't even think I want to. I am so young and I want to accomplish my goals so bad. I feel like this is going to require me to change my future in order to deal with, and I don't want to do that. I just want MB to read and respond to this situation, I need third party interpretation.

We have been through alot and solve problems well but this isnt you're everday situation. I feel cheated on and betrayed. I don't want to give her another chance right now, but she is being mean and blaming me for leaving and saying she didnt do anything wrong and it is so hard to hear. My head is not clear and I need advice or encouraging words or something. I think I want to be alone, or at least hope and pray that I will one day be loved by someone that respects me as much as themselves, and makes the sacrifices when neccessary, not getting what they want and need from whoever is there. I have told her I want to separate and I have divorce papers and my law firm behind me. We have no kids or property and our finances have been separated for the most part. Please help. Thanks [color:"black"] [/color]

Sorry it's so long. But it is my life! Please respond. I need this. Thanks.

I suggest that you move back home. It is a HUGE mistake for married people to live apart. Tell the roommate with the child that they need to look for another place.

swerve_twist:

I am actually very new here as well. This is my first reply to someone because I really don't feel qualified to give advice yet. But, your story just struck me and I felt like I had to reach out. I know what it's like to post and hope and pray someone answers you. In the short time that I have been on this board, I have had a lot of support from really wonderful people. I have gotten a lot of advice.

One of the biggest things people have told me was to buy the book "Surviving an Affair". I did order it this weekend, so hopefully it's on its way. I am told it is a great book. You can order it off this site.

My husband and are are high school sweethearts as well. I have been with him since I was 15 years old; we've been together for 16 years (married for 8). He has been having and affair with a friend of ours (well she used to be my friend, now I just want to choke her) and a co-worker of his. I am devastated. I had feared an affair since June. Friends confirmed my fears at the beginning of October. Unlike you, I want to salvage my marriage. I'm doing all I can to salvage it. Maybe I'm crazy. Have you read the site? If you want to work on your marriage, try working on Plan A. Like I said, I don't really feel very qualified to give you advice since I am seeking it from other people on a regular basis. If you want to work on your marriage, have her friend find a new place to live and move back home if you can. Live with your wife alone and tell her NO CONTACT with the other men that she has been with. That's the problem I'm having. My husband will not stop being "her friend".

I don't know if I helped you at all. I just felt compelled to reach out to you. I'm sure you will receive some good advice from the more experienced on this site. Keep posting.

I don't have time to post much right now. I'll let some of the old timers here answer your questions. If they don't get to it by tonight, just bump it up to the top tomorrow.

The first thing you need to do is evaluate whether or not you should be in this marriage. You have admitted that both of you have cheated before, and now your wife is cheating again. I also know that you are going to school to be able to provide for your family, but your neglect of the marriage has caused your wife to look for someone else to meet her needs. If you do chose to stay in this marriage, you are going to have to make an arrangement where you can still meet your wife's needs. If that isn't possible with the goals that you have for your career, based on the fact that you don't have any kids and you already have a history of affairs in your relationship, you might be better served moving on. You need to do some personal reflection to see what you want and what you are willing to give and see if that is compatible in your current marriage. If you truly want to save your marriage, then you need to follow the advice on the "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread on the "Just Found Out" board which consists of spying to gather evidence and exposing to anyone who would be in a position to put pressure on your wife to end the affair (including OM's SO and/or parents). If you want to win her back you need to live with (or at least spend more time) with her to reconnect. I recommend getting individual counseling and antidepressants to help get you through this time. I'll post more later.

- Jim

well the school is where I am living now, and my wife was going to come here as soon as she got out. I found us a place to live and was getting everything ready, but we were coming here eventually. She was only supposed to be in the Marine corps until thanksgiving and then we would be together again. We have been apart before and it worked so I thought we could do it again. I was wrong and I accept responsibility for that. She knows this. I am truly sorry for leaving her up there, but she had a great support system of freinds there and we both come from loving families. She chose to seek out another mans attention and comfort, and for that, as young as I am, and as much I have in store for my future, I am undecided whether or not I want to even give this a chance again. I kind of want to be alone and keep myself on track for my dreams. I feel like I am torn between my spiritual purpose and my worldly obligations. A difficult choice is ahead.

You need to take some time off and really reflect on what you want. I am a BS who is young (26) with no children and I am choosing to save my marriage although I wouldn't blame anyone in my position for choosing to move on. I just realized that there were things in the relationship that I was doing wrong, and I felt that my marriage could be good again if I changed the things that I needed to change. Otherwise, I was bound to make the same mistakes again. These changes that I needed to make, however, I was comfortable making. You need to sit down and evaluate how your situation got to where it is now, what you need to do to correct your situation, and if you are comfortable making those sacrifices. I recommend IC (whether it be with Dr. Harley or someone else) to help you with this decision. However, it is something that you need to focus on NOW and come to a decision quickly because the longer you go undecided, the more difficult it will be to end the affair and repair your marriage. You need to start reflecting on this right away.

Also, is your wife still planning on moving up with you?

- Jim

She wants to move with me and do counseling, but I feel like I deserve better after this. Not that I want to be with anyone anytime soon at all, but I am too hurt. I don't even know within myself if choosing to be with her is best or what I want. Right now I know I don't ever want to feel like this again, and I don't want to have to look at her and forgive her, in order to feel better. I want to forgive her and try my luck on my own, and not stay just because we have great sex, and we've been together for a long time. Is that selfish of me? I am 23 years old, and just turned. I don't deserve to be treated like this in my opinion, and I want equal amounts of respect and unconditional positive regard from the person who I choose to love forever. I don't think I have ever really gotten that from her, and I am mature enough to realize that now. Could this be true?

I don't blame you for being angry. What you are thinking is natural for someone who just found out. When I found out, I swore that it was over between me and my WW. I just don't want you to rush to judgement on your marriage. You are in no condition right now to think logically. Talk to Dr. Harley. He is good at getting to the bottom of your feelings. If you can't afford phone counseling, call his show, and he will spend a good 15-30 minutes with you, plus send you some of his books. You may be right. You may never have gotten equal amounts of respect and unconditional positive regard from your WW. But would you stay if you could? You may have never demanded it from her, or she may not have been able to give it to you because you weren't meeting her own emotional needs. I can tell you this, living apart from each other for long periods of time is NEVER healthy for any relationship, regardless of the intentions. I'm not trying to direct you to do one thing or another, I just want you to reflect on your own situation. Remember, you are responsible for 0% of the affair, but 50% of the state of the marriage that lead up to the affair. Take some time out and think about things.

- Jim

I will. Thankyou for your support. I am going to try and go see someone here in town this week. I think I need some professional advice asap. I am a Psycholgy major too, how convenient is that! Just kidding. Thanks again. I will be back.

"I don't even know within myself if choosing to be with her is best or what I want.

.... I want equal amounts of respect and unconditional positive regard from the person who I choose to love forever."

You are married to her. You already chose, and promised, to love HER forever. You now have a legitimate (maybe? if there really was an A?) "out" of your commitment now, but it sure seems to be pretty handy to me.

I don't think an affair is ever justified, and if your W is having an afair with this man, then she certainly didn't handle the situation well at all. But it sounds like she's willing to do what it takes to fix things. If you are not, I don't think you really have her behavior as an excuse to blame it on. You are choosing to be free of the choice and commitment that you already made, and you have a handy excuse to justify it.

"I kind of want to be alone and keep myself on track for my dreams. I feel like I am torn between my spiritual purpose and my worldly obligations."

What will be different next time, with the next 'forever' choice? Will you want to re-choose a new forever partner again every time the current forever partner gets in the way of your personal dreams or career aspirations?


No kids involved, and you're both young, so maybe there's less damage to each of you if you get out now. I don't know. Obvioulsy you're free to do what you want, and focus on what you want. I just think you need to take a look at your part of the equation a little bit more if you want to have hope for a successful M in the future.


-AmI.