I have been married for 24 yrs, together (off & on before marriage) for 30+. We have 3 children 16 to 23. Had very gd marriage for first many years even though hit with many huge losses and stresses. H tends to be pessimistic and negative, while also thin skinned, so world and life can take more than it's pound of flesh from him. I'm "the cup is half full, never empty" and believe you can make chicken salad from chicken ****, if you just try. I began to shut down emotionally from H several years ago when h wasn't there to help parent our difficult middle child. I decided to take care of self and kids and no longer be his cheerleader. A few months ago H started EA with divorced woman that he sees recreationally. Wake up call for me when I found out a few weeks later and found that I still loved H, that it was not dead, just buried. We read Her needs/His Needs, started MC and have made a lot of progress. But, H can not end contact with OW. I asked him to move out last week, spoke to kids last night and he moved out. How do you have NO contact between spouses when children are involved? How important is no contact? If it doesn't feel right? Do kids have right to know about EA? Oldest knows, middle has asked and got a denial from me, which he questioned. Do I just say ask dad? Any experience with this would be greatly appreciated.

I have read more of the info on this site concerning how to handle affairs and am surprised that letting the A be known to multiple people that your are close with, seems to be an important part of it all. Is it really fair to the kids to tell them dad's in love with another woman? That yes, he loves me too, but doesn't know if he loves this other woman, who he began having romantic feelings for in August, more? It's a little mind boggling to think "since August" can trump 30 years, but that's where we are. Or does that just get them on your side and make them choose a parent? H has already thought I was being unfair and undermining him when I shared some of this info with our 23 year old son who lives back East. That was when I first found out and was totally blown away with H's behavior as it was SO out of character. I had actually thought our son needed to come home to help with his dad's "losing it". Part of me says I agree with full disclosure and the other part feels I'm just going to hurt more people that I love and care about by pointing out H's screw up. Rereading this, it actually sounds like I'm doing pretty well. I know plan B was where we needed to go, but I feel like I've entered someone else's life and that my heart and body are just going to explode with the pain. I just want to fast forward to 6 months or a year from now. Anyone with guidance to offer?!

Oh my gosh!!! I could have written your story. Dday for me was Sept ... and the A had been going on for a year. I did plan A for 2 months, all the while H was saying he was leaving, he had to try and see if he wanted to be with OW. He said he would tell the children (ages 12 - 20 we also have 3). Every week I prepared for him to pack up and go. Weeks came and went, and still he didn't leave. We disagreed on what to tell the kids ... and since he was going to feed them with untruths and blame me for the A, I decided it was time for me to tell them. I was protecting him by NOT telling them....I wanted them to know that his leaving was by no means any fault of theirs. They have known for 2 weeks. He did move out for 3 days and returned. They are angry, betrayed and hurt. But I am glad that I've told them. I was lying to them by NOT telling them, when they'd want to know where Dad was ... why he was gone from home so much. I was honest, truthful, and I hate what they are going through. But I didn't cause their pain, HE did. I will try and find you an article on affairs that their affects on children of all ages. It helped me know how to handle it after they were told.

Good luck ... and I am sorry you are in the situation. Mine started out exactly the same, I was tired of doing all the giving. But I know that I love my H and want to save my marrriage.

You have no idea how much your reply helped me! I found out a lot of info yesterday that made me decide I had to tell my kids, ages 16 and 21, the 23 yr old who lives in Boston, already knew. I spoke to the wife of my husband's work partner, who is a great friend but we hadn't spoken in awhile. She plays golf at the same club and said EVERYONE at the club knew that the OW was pursuing my H and what was going on, since about late August, or so. So, when I realized my kids could hear about this from someone else, I knew I had to talk to them. Needless to say, they are furious with their father. They want to confront him, but they also want to go to her apartment and confront her. I suggested to my 16 yo d, that why not write a letter instead. Her response was so amazing. She said "Mom, if I write a letter, she won't hear the pain in my voice and see how much she is hurting all of us." Do I let them go to her apartment? I know if I was them, I certainly would have wanted to and I would have. I'm such a take care of the problem type person. It seems that my kids have gotten the same gene <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
My friend that I spoke to yesterday, also told me that the ow is known to 'always go after married men'. That she did this before her 16 year marriage, which ended last year and she does it now. She is also known to be an alcoholic, and have some sort of an eating disorder as she never eats what she orders. But, she is also seen as very nice person, many seem to like her as she is able to talk to anyone and make them feel like they are the center of her interest and world. Good manipulator! But, if you really look at her it's not real. I met her at the beginning of the summer and her attention was out of proportion to her knowledge of me. And I remember thinking it felt strange.
H did not want to move out, at least not now, but he also couldn't decide what he wanted and cut off the EA. I told him he had to move out and found the furnished studio apt for him.
How are things going for you now? And if you or anyone has any feedback, I'd really appreciate it. Should my kids be allowed to confront this woman?