I need some help with Plan A

I have been too cold to the WW. I need to move a little back to the luke warm area. Build up some love bank deposits.

I have tried conversation but she is not willing. Goes right to accusing me of things and not trusting.

Her top 5 emotional needs according to me (she will not do it)
Family Commitment
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Conversation
Recreational Companionship

She is very committed to the family as so am I. I take as much care of the children as I can. Showing her how committed I am.
I have separated the money into separate accounts for protection. So this one is limited. But I do pay the household bills
Domestic support, I fixed the Vac this weekend and washed her car. Tried to help around cleaning the house but I get accused that I think she doesn't do a good enough job.
Conversation: SHe is just very cold to me on this. As I have been to her lately. This is something that I think that we could work on.
recreational companionship. I tried to get her to take dance lessons with me. It is something that she likes, but she refused as it cost to much. Even told her that I would cover it. But she has no interest.

Could use some more help on this. The Plan A 180 that I have going right now is kind of cold, even though I think it is driving her nuts with not knowing what I am doing. I read this morning that she is thinking of staying together in the house even after a divorce. Her oldest sister is doing this. Not something I want. I am a man and one of my top 5 will not be met doing this.

Thanks

BIC, how do you know these are her top needs? Did she take the EN questionaire?

I agree that its a bad idea to be cold to her. I would try being warm but at the same time you don't want to be clingy and needy or whiny.

Try and think back about what things you were doing when she fell in love with you? What made her fall in love with you?


How do you respond when she accuses you of "not trusting?" I am hoping you don't get defensive when she does this.


I would somehow let her know you wont' ever be doing this. This would be a disaster for all concerned.

You are doing the right thing with your money. You don't want to try and meet her need for financial support if it leaves you unprotected, and it does.

No she didn't take it. She told me that I would not like her answers. So My lawyer (she is a MD supporter) and I just did the best we could and did it for her. It may not be right but I think it is close. Might of cost me money spending time with my lawyer but hey she likes Dr Harley.

That is what I was avoiding when I went cold. I am very clingy person. SO I went the opposite now I need to move a little back the other way. Just not to clingy or needy


SHe said that I was very thoughtful. I am still that way but I guess I am too neglectful also. How can I be thoughtful with her not talking. I am making dinner tonight.


No I say that we have both done things that we can not trust. In time we will work through them.
She is still hiding a lot from me. But I guess that goes with the trust thing.

Yes she is at least considering the possibility of us staying together. Right now it is a divorce roommate type staying together, but last week it was selling the house and living apart. So I can look on the positive side and say she is moving toward us staying together.

Thank Melody for all the help along the way

BIC, I think you are moving in the right direction and I admire your efforts in trying to understand her needs. That is the best you can do with what you have to work with. Doing little endearing things will help bring down her defenses, such as your idea of cooking her dinner. Perhaps even getting her a romantic little card and a rose from the grocery store? I always think it is so sweet when I see men buying flowers in the grocery store for no apparent reason. Would she like that?

When she accuses you of not trusting her, I would AGREE WITH HER. Tell her, "you are right, I do not trust you." Leave it at that. A WS will use that accusation to try and make a BS feel inappropriately guilty for not trusting her. Agreeing with her will disarm her completely.

And of course, you don't trust her. She is untrustworthy and you would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person. As long as she demonstrates untrustworthy behavior, she should not be trusted. Trust must be EARNED, it is not an entitlement.

You are doing an excellent job! Just hang in there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you Melody,
You have been a tremendous help through all this. Yes she likes flowers I was planning on doing that on our Date night Wednesday. Take her to the place we met for dinner the first time. A little rose would do it.

I have told her that I agree that I do not trust her. I do not give her ammunition. But short answers.

The problem now is she is talking to friends about staying married for the kids. Financially she can not make it on her own and she knows it. Even with child support. But together we can make it. I do not like the current sleeping arrangements but hopefully it will change in time. Maybe she will fall back in love with me. Maybe the MC will help. All I know she is drifting away from Divorce and towards us staying together. I just wish I could rid her of the OM in her life and the Divorce pro friends.

Thank you again for helping me be strong

Many a GREAT recovery has started with this sentiment, BIC, so don't let it bother you. She likely has decided to stay and is saying this to save face with her sleazy internet harpie's. As she draws to you because of your great Plan A, she will draw away from those ppl, becuase she won't be able to give them what they want: your blood. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are very welcome for the help, kudos to you for being man enough to step up to the plate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I concur with ML. It doesn't matter WHY the WS recommits to the marriage. You want her to recommit because of her undying love for you - yeah right. Meanwhile back at the looking glass, Alice said to the March Hare.......

My wife also only returned home (didn't even commit to marriage) for the sake of our children. Doesn't matter. It's not enough in the long term but it's a starting point.

Many times a wayward will have to "justify" reasons for staying, just as they did for reasons to enter into the affair.

One word of advice, based on my own experience, it to assume a level of emotional detachment, so you don't react to anything she does, or doesn't do. Work on any self-improvement projects you have undertaken, keep up the cooking and romantic offerings. Women do like to be treated like they're special, even if they don't "like" you at the time... LOL.

Don't waste time looking or waiting for an "aha" moment from her either. Her changes will be ever so slow. It takes a very long time for a WW to come to terms with the grievous behaviors they've chosen. No contact will need to remain firmly in place and withdrawal will have to be well on it's way before you'll see "life" return to your WW's eyes.

Stay the course, be patient, remain in Plan A, remain emotionally detached, but continue filling her love bank as she'll allow. It takes a while for this to all work, but it WILL work.

Best wishes,
SD

I am still reading Dr Harley books. Finished SAA and now working on HNHN. I am also going to see a MC and maybe even another cousellor just for me. To help get my head straight with what has went on and to get over jealousy, anger, and just to talk about life.


Not waiting for it. She as far as I can tell has not admitted to doing anything wrong. But she has stopped talking Divorce to her friends. Not to me yet but to her online people.


She has tried to contact him, by email and regular mail. He has had limited contact. Nothing like it was before. She is still wishing to her online friends that he would come back and talk more. Hoping that he will come around from the letter I wrote him.


Nothing more for me to do but stay the course and work on that love bank as she will let me. Going to MC today alone. She has to work, asked her to go last night and she agreed to go, but this morning she said that she needs the money and went to work. So I have a hour to myself with the MC. Should be good to get things off my chest.

How did your appointment with the MC go???

SD