After I got married for 2 years, I had an affair with my office staff in year 2002 for 3 months, I wasn't sure who I wanted so I brought this woman to see my wife. After the "showhand", I realized that I only wanted to be with my colleague becoz she help me a lot in my job and the person I really love is my wife. I ended the affair and quit the job joined another company just to get her completely out of my life. My wife said she forgive me and gave me a chance to get back together. I was really happy and thankful for having such a wonderful wife, and we had our first baby in year 2003.

3 weeks ago, Nov 2006, I finally found out that my wife was having an affair with another guy since 2002, they started because my wife didn't really forgive me and wanted to take revenge, she thought by having a fling with this guy, she will feel better. Somehow, things got worst, every little lies added up to a bigger lies, although they break up for almost 2 years while my wife is pragnant and about 10 months after my son was borned. They started seeing each other again until I found out their relations 3 weeks ago, while I accidentaly read her office email while I visited her for lunch. Not only that, they actually transmitted STD to me and I thought I was the one who brought the STD back to my family since 2004.

My wife finally admitted everything, including staying over at that guy place while I was away working, and check into hotel etc. But she said, they only see each other every 2-3 months, and she said she has stopped seeing him for 3 months since July this year. My wife even brought me to see that guy and I asked my wife who she really love and she said me. I did not whack that guy but instead begged him not to love my wife anymore and asked him not to break my family apart.

I actually bought my wife a diamond ring on the next day and proposed to her again to marry me. She said yes.

After 4 weeks, thing are going ok and my wife told me that she is so thankful that I accepted her back and given her a new life, the wonderful family life that she always wanted. She said she is glad that there are no more secret, and she said she was suffering as she had to hide this from me for so long and now she can see in the eye as there are no more secret. She told me the reason she did it was because she was so afraid that I don't love her and she is just using that guy as a substitute and seeking little comfort while she can hide from all reality, stress, jobs, being a mother and wife.

I know I love her very much as I have accepted her back, but I still feel very hurt everytime reality kicks in. I know I shouldn't think about it at all but somehow it is not that easy to forget. I got paranoid if she didn't pick up the phone, or coming back late from work, I get angry if she has a evening appoint with client, I blood go boiling whenever some client calls her after working hours.

HELP ME!

You both need to get into MC (marriage counseling) so you can deal w/ this resentment and learn to trust her again....If now, your marriage won't survive this..you have to get thru this recovery and learn to trust...I know its hard but you just have to do it and be committed to doing it...God Bless you both.

Ya might also consider doing a blood test on your child... maybe he ain't yours?

Exactly one month after I found out...still feeling misrably, we spent a lot of time together, even went for a short holiday without my son (She confirmed is my son.) We talked about it a lot, why it happen, how it happen, when it happen and where it happen. Is really painful to know all the details, even when typing it now, but somehow I just need to know everything.

I try to forget and just concentrate on my job and son but sometimes, the brain just don't follow my instruction.

At times we can be very happy being together but most of the time, I am not happy at all, just angry.

I have to admit, I am giving her a very bad time now, repeatedly remind her of those things that she had done, calling her names for doing such a thing, even treated her just like sex mate and doing it without feeling. But inside me, I know I still love her very much.

I don't trust her at all now, I am checking on her email, both personal and office, checking her phone calls, sms, her appointments, her locations and such, basically she has no privacy at all and required to "report" to me at all times.

Hopefully I can be better on my next posting.

Ahtan, I know the pain...it is consuming and will make you obsess..But quit giving her a bad time..that is only going to drive her away...You are LBing (love busting) big time...You both need to get into MC and get thru this. If you work at it, you will learn to forgive her and trust her again but you have to figure out how to do that. You cannot require her to "report" to you. She is not your prisoner. yes, she can call you thruout the day and tell you what her day has been like, but if you continue to treat her this way, she is going to get fed up and Lord only knows what will happen. You two need some serious MC and learn to trust again.

had a long chat with her again last night and i want a divorce but she refused it....basically I can go out dating and all, she will only divorce me if I can find another woman to marry me....but I love my son very much and I cannot allow him to grow up in a broken family....things are not getting any better...

Have you done any reading here about Plan A? You need to stop the disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, and asking for a divorce.

Yes, I have read about plan A and Yes, I am trying very hard to forgive and forget. I am not sure about this but I think wife tends to forgive their husband easier, and Husband will even get jealous when wife talk about her ex-boyfriend.

I love her very much (that's why we are still together) but I hate her as well for being a WS. Tell me I am not mentally disorder!!!

To those who suffered from the same faith....the future of our family is in our hand and if we choose to have a happy and loving family, we will have to learn to forgive and forget...God will give us strength and guidance to work it out.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

you both need to read up on marriage builders principles and get into some kind of counseling. all the feelings you are feeling, how do you know your wife is not feeling the same way?! she may just not be telling you. you BOTH broke the trust and you did it first! this is NOT just about all of YOUR pain. you caused her a lot of pain right in the beginning of the marriage. all i see in your posts is all of YOUR pain, YOUR anger, YOUR distrust. what about hers?

you both need to address both sides of this affair issue. it is not all about you here. i hope you both can do that so you can save your family.

yesterday was the first xmas in 9.5 years of my children's lives that i did not get to have xmas dinner with them. the reality of divorce and splitting children in half sucks.

mlhb

ahtan,

Please read up on the principles on this site. What you are going through is NOT unique and it is NOT going to go away. If you want to save your marriage, you must learn to forgive, but forgetting is not very likely. You are at a crossroads and what you do right now will determine the outcome for your family.

QUOTE:
"....basically I can go out dating and all, she will only divorce me if I can find another woman to marry me.."

What are you thinking? If you want to save your marriage, work on your marriage. If you want a divorce, file for divorce. You seem more fogged out right now than any WS ever was. You can't stay with your W and be looking for someone else. It is wrong on so many levels that it isn't worth the time to argue against. On top of that, if your M is to have ANY chance of recovery at all it ill require 100% of your effort to achieve.

You may have been hurt, but hurting your W in return will only make both of you wounded. It will NOT make you feel better. It will, in fact, make you feel worse and will mean that the pain you are feeling over your W's A will have to be felt by her as well. Stop thinking about payback and start thinking about what you need to do to rebuild your M.

Talking about the A right now is NOT doing either of you any good. Find a good MC (one that is familiar w/ Dr Harley's principles) and get into IC yourself. If you want to save you M, it is time to cowboy up.

Mark

I am totally committed in rebuilding our marriage. I want to have a happy family. It not who's fault now and I am aware of that.

It is in my hand if I want to rebuild this relationship and I am trying my very best to do it.

Anger won't help and having an affair just to revenge won't make me feel any better.

Divorce is out the topic and my wife will be my wife until my last day of my life.

I just have to go back to basic...the reason for marrying her, a very simple basic, I love her very much and no matter what happen, I will still love her.

Thank you for listening to my story and hope and pray that everyone of us here can find happiness soon.

Ahtan,
Please continue to read material on this site and elsewhere. I had been in total withdrawal for two years before this site turned me around and helped me change. Now, I feel I may be able to come off AD soon. My marriage is getting better day by day. There are many very knowledgeable people here to help. Maybe you will not always like what they say, but it is with your best interest at heart. Remember,none of us can accomplish anything without support.

God Bless

Things are progressing well....and sort of returning to our normal life...but there's something I am not sure....I love my wife very much, which is why I forgive her and trying to forget the whole thing. However, no matter how hard I try, my wife won't be the wife I always wanted again and things cannot be the same again, the "stain" is just too much and no matter how, I can't seems to "clean" it.

At times, I am very happy seeing my wife playing with the kids, but deep down inside, I am not happy at all...or is it too soon tell if I have recovered? Or is it better to file for divorce?

Actually is hard to forgive and forget, as much as I would like to believe that I have forgiven her and forgotten everything, at times, I feel sudden pains inside me.

And no matter how hard my wife tried, things are not the same again, she will never be the wife I always wanted again. And is sad coz over the last 6 years, I thought I am the luckiest guy in this world to married such an good wife and right now, I am stuck with this woman that I love but not the woman that I really want to be a wife.

my wife is pragnent and I am not ready.

I should be happy to have another baby but somehow, I don't have that feeling like what I had when I have my first son.

I am not sure of the reason she got pragnent, is it because she love me or she wants to have the baby to make me forgive her.

Sometimes I still feel very painful and hurt deep inside me and at times divorce still on top of my head, by having another baby, we are actually getting another person involved in our family problem.

I really hate the OM for tearing my family apart and the first thing that came to my mind every morning is pay back. God help me!

ahtan - These things don't just "happen". Did you discuss having a child? Why no birth control?

It takes time to loose those feelings. Be patient.

Have you two filled the Emotional Needs questionary?

Concentrate on the future.

It's hard but you can make it. You will forgive her in time.
Forgive yourself as well, you're not less of a man for staying. You're doing the best thing and the hardest as well.

Ya we talked about having another baby for the last 2 years but she refused until now. I was really upset for the last 3 months and I thought having anohter baby will eventually make things better, but somehow I am confuse now. I tried very hard to forgive and forget, but is not easy.

Believer - I am not that strong, and I wasn't thinking of birth control at that time, I just want her back badly and I am doing all I can now by seeking opinion here.

All I want is a family - a loving wife and kids.

How long would it take to forget? What if they continue the relationship again?!

The baby won't make things better, but what is done is done. I hope you are being supportive to her about the baby. A man who didn't want his child would lose all of my respect instantly.

You are going to have to move forward and start thinking about the future. When bad thoughts come into your mind, tell yourself "Stop", and you will soon be able to work on your marriage instead of dwelling on the past.