I know situations are different, but I was wondering if someone might have been where I am now. Long story short, it’s been about 18 mths since DDay. According to her, she was lonely and felt neglected. A former friend of mine (neighbor) felt he could step in to fill those gaps. I put my house on the market and was able to move approx. 7 months ago. My new neighbors are really old..:)

Anyway, she went to MC with me for the first few months and stopped. When I asked her why she didn’t want to go, she said “she already knew all the right answers and didn’t need to sit and listen to them again”.

About 4 months ago, I walked in on a phone call with the OM – which she lied about initially.

Since that call, I’ve slowly reached the point where I would rather be away from her. I don’t want to touch her, talk to her – much less romance her. I could walk away today if it wasn’t for wanting to keep things in tact for the kids. After DDay, she remained in the house and I kept constant emphasis on NC. However, there is no evidence of repentance. She’s just worked on ignoring the fact it ever happened and refuses to talk about any issues related to the A – so I’ve stopped bringing it up.

To my question - is this a normal cycle for a BS to go through? Without repentance/recovery on her part, am I setting myself up for a relapse or new affair with the next lonely feeling? Where should I go from here?

Thanks for any insights….

Hmm.

She's still in contact? I wouldn't be worried about a relapse. I'd say the affair never ended and is still ongoing.

Did you ever expose the affair?

It seems like nothing was ever resolved. Everything needs to be discussed, and you need assurance, and proof from her that there is no contact. Did she send a NC letter? Did the neighbor's wife find out?

I did expose the affair to his wife..we had all been friends since moving to the area in 2002. His wife did tell me she had been down this road before - that made me angry. Why didn't she say something if she thought things were strange? There was some contact the first couple of weeks, but it soon stopped. In the first weeks of MC, she refused to send a NC letter - nothing to date either. The withdrawal period for her was tough because we saw them daily (pulling in their driveway, cutting grass, ballfield, etc.) until we sold our house. She sent a letter apologizing to the wife, but nothing to me. She just expected for me to get over it. According to my MC, I've made significant progress through the ordeal, but she's still circling the wagon in her mind by deflecting guilt and not going to MC. I fear I'm to the point where I don't want to work on this thing anymore...it's a tragedy!

Yes, it's a tragedy, both for you & your kids.

Can you go on in the marriage without her expressing remorse & do you set yourself up for this to happen again? IMO, no & yes respectively.

I just got done writing about entitlement on the TKO thread so I don't want to repeat myself other than to say your WW sounds like the typical case of entitlement at work.

There does come a point, if the WW spouse is unwilling to fully understand their WW behavior & is truly sorry for it, that the desire to love them goes.