I have read your sig line, but wanted to clarify.

Your D-day was 9/2001. When did your H's A start? How long was it total? Can you give a brief outline of the timeline of the A up until it ended?

Did he explain what Plan B felt like and what finally brought him enough strength to end it once and for all? Has he ever decribed what he felt like when you were in Plan B? What was he thinking during it?



Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

BUMP^

bump...please

D-Day was actually 12-31-02..New Years'Eve....but it was going STRONG on 9/11/01..I sooo identified with those widows at the time..because my real H was "GONE"...I'm sure the A started sometime in 2000.

Sooo...the affair had been ongoing roughly two years at D-Day and continued until roughly 9/15/03...so it lasted almost 3 years....

As far as I can tell, early on they were initially "PLAYING WITH EACH OTHER..HAVING FUN"...then fell "IN LOVE"....YUCK...

I'm not sure what will be most helpful for you but I think that my H would have remained a CAKE-EATER for as long as possible..but got sloppy towards the end and the A got discovered by me...found them at a motel...

Once I discovered the A, I almost immediately began PLAN A and wouldn't give up and "LET HIM GO"...as he wanted me to do...he could not rationalize continuation of the A..because I was NO LONGER ..the BAD, UNLOVABLE, UNATTRACTIVE WIFE...a perception and characterization of me which he used to FUEL his A....he kept trying to provoke me to go back into that role...

It's hard for me to remember the course of events probably because I don't want to.. BUT it was something like..affair discovered in Dec. 2002, he moved out into his "CONDO" Feb. 2003, returned in March..there's a couple of false recoveries in there...May 2003:Legal Separation...PLAN B: June to August 2003...Recovery supposedly begins in September 2003..but actual contact with OW until October 2003....YUCK




Unbeknownst to me at the time, he actually moved in with the OW during Plan B..trying to make it work in the REAL WORLD..as she had a teenage daughter that she was supposed to be caring for...whom he found that he "HATED" and she "HATED" him (DUH)..lots of conflict there between them.. plus, this was a major change in LIFESTYLE for my H..small house, bad part of town..she even had a break-in while he was there...he indicates that he got a dose of what she was REALLY like when forced to live her LIFESTYLE..interact with her FAMILY and FRIENDS...he couldn't safely go on his long jogs...lots of issues...he says that he learned that alot of what she was doing was "BS"..she couldn't "keep up the show 24/7"..has said that he can't tell me all that went on because he's afraid that I wouldn't be able to love him anymore...he couldn't sleep at night..because of being fearful..because of feeling GUILTY about what he was doing...told her what they were doing was "WRONG"..surprised that she couldn't see that..he would wake up at night and THINK OF ME..and MISS ME...asking himself, "WHAT THE HE// am I DOING HERE?"..sounds like he felt like he was living in HADES..YUCK...

What gave him the strength to end it? A large part of it... PLAN B robbed him of the FANTASY/FUN/ESCAPISM aspect of the AFFAIR-THE ADDICTIVE ASPECT OF IT FOR HIM. He says he learned that she was "just like any other woman"..DUH...and he was no longer getting his high (my translation)..

But another MAJOR FACTOR was the fact that my H thought I WAS MOVING ON..He became afraid that he was REALLY LOSING ME when I put our house up for sale, sold it the first day and was looking for a house of MY OWN...

I think he had another FANTASY of me sitting over in that house WAITING FOR HIM until he FINISHED PLAYING WITH HER...He tears up when watching movies about MEN LOSING THEIR FAMILIES or WIVES MOVING ON..Like "WEATHERMAN" which we just watched together..

He continues to act grateful in a way..like I SAVED HIM from a BURNING BUILDING..it's all in how he CLINGS to me sometimes when he hugs me...

Hope this helps somebody...

It's hard looking back on this stuff...

I HATE AFFAIRS....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

Yes it does help somebody - me.

thanks for the post

M2L

Thanks for the post Mimi, you are always so accomodating with your story...

Thank you very much! I have been lurking for a long time and always appreciate your stories and insight.

I have been in Plan B for awhile and am considering buying my WH out of the house. But, I do not like the idea of our hard-earned money/equity being used for the A. And, I am not sure whether I want to stay in our house, or buy another. Lots of questions and decisions.

He shows signs of being on the fence still. I still want my M, just not sure how to "move on", but still be open to R. I think he thinks I will be waiting forever.

He has not done anything much that would make the A more permanent and a "reality" (kids have not met her, he does not live with her, family did not know about her until exposure, etc.). I still see him as squarely on the fence. He has not done what most waywards do when they think OW is "the one". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Pop:

I couldn't bear to live in that house anymore. I felt like my H had just dumped me there and I was held captive or something.

I didn't have a clue but he was STRUGGLING in PLAN B.

He got up with my realtor and she showed him the houses that I was looking at.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />..not sure how he talked her into that...

This fed into his GUILT about me lowering my standard of living...

But I was "happy" about the idea of focusing on decorating a new house...

So lots of stuff for you to think about.....

Mimi,

Just a question for you...

When you said that your WH hated the thought of you moving on...

I think my WH feels like we no longer need him here so why bother?

Every year we cut down our Christmas tree. I was wondering how the he** I was going to do that this year. Well we went to a tree place and a worker there helped us cut it down and put it on our car. Then I wondered how the he** am I going to get it in the house? Well I asked a neighbor and he helped.

WH came to take the kids, asked DD if we got our tree. She said we cut it down. He was VERY surprsed at that and VERY surprised that a neighbor brought it in the house.

Then I did tons of yard work recently. He asked DD who did that. (WH always did). She said that I did. He was VERY surprised that I did it.

So what I am saying is he sees/thinks that we are getting along fine without him. What incentive does he have to come back?

I think he looks at it as, great, less work for me to do.

Cat:

It depends where you are in the process.

It was only after PLAN B that it mattered to my WH.

I think it was both factors...no interaction with me..24/7 with her..PLUS..the thought of me moving on....

I went through what you did EARLY ON after he left and he could have cared less..had a flat tire to take care of by myself..getting the house ready to sell by myself..buying our son a car by myself..and the list goes on and on...but the GOOD NEWS is that doing all that stuff helped me to GROW and to become MORE INDEPENDENT.so he also knows that I CAN MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM....and I KNOW IT, TOO.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



This is AN ASSUMPTION that you are making about what he is thinking. I thought my WH was thinking this, too..

Now that I know better and understand my H and men better, I would think that it bothers him that you do not need him.

cat, mimi, pop,

I'm sure that my WH is struggling with Plan B. I haven't seen any signs directly from him, but I know that he has been in the garage to take care of things, here and there, and his clothes and things are out there (another story there). I NEVER SEE him, or ask for his help.

I will shovel the entire driveway, if it snows this year. I will change my own oil, top off the fluids, etc (I learned this from him, always interested in doing for myself- sometimes to a fault). I mowed the lawn and took the pool down, and cleaned my basement up, and have been working on the drywall in my room; going to install carpet tiles...(redecorating a bit to take some memories out of the space, it can be overbearing sometimes).

WH and I worked on the house a lot, did many outdoor projects together (built our garage with help from friends). I could tell, when we were still talking, that he wanted to be of some help around the house, at the time in Plan A, I let him; however, he is fully aware that I can take care of many things myself.

My WH NEEDS the attention that comes along with his 'chores' being accomplished. He has also lost any sense of family that he had prior to his A. MY family, however nuts we are, served as his family (his mother and father passed awhile ago). I was the continuation of his family, and now, well, he has DS. I'm sure he struggles with his decision to leave, but that feeling is currently being outweighed by the 'freedom' of choice. He may feel like M is not a choice, or love. Unsure on that one, but it seems to be his logic. M is an 'institution'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks all.

I doubt my WH is struggling in plan B. He was always one that as long as he doesn't have to deal with stuff...kids, chores etc., he's happy.

I so thought that him being with OW 24/7 would burn them out. I think they are closer and doing fine.

My IC tells me all the time stop making assumptions! I have no idea how they are doing etc. She's right. I just assume that since he's not in a hurry to come home, he signed a new lease with OW, that he's happy with her.

Again, an assumption, but knowing WH like I think I do, I think he's happy with the thought of me moving on. Makes his A easier to justify.

I'm finding that Plan B has really helped me to see WAYWARD H more clearly (remember, this alien does not THINK like your H did). I have slowed down the assumptions, and really have learned better ways to deal with them. That comes with time.

If you truly moved on, your WH would definitely NOTICE and not rejoice about it. Your still his 'catch' don't you know? Once your gone, he knows he CAN'T have you anymore; no he probably prefers you hanging on to him, feeds his ego; feeds anyone's ego really.

I was thinking EXACTLY how you are right now not even a month ago. I've learned better how to deal with facts. WH is not home. WH has made a choice to live as he is now, in his best friends spare bedroom (with Best friends girlfriend living there--talk about imposing). He sees DS once during the week and once every other weekend. That's all I KNOW. I don't think about his spare time, because I have no answers to that. I don't speak of his state of mind, because I don't know that either. More harm comes to my mental health when I try to ferret out 'reasons' for his behavior. I don't know, so I leave it alone.

Silent:

My mindset became almost EXACTLY like yours...sounds like me speaking....


And plus, if it helps any of you at all, ALL OF MY ASSUMPTIONS proved to be INACCURATE.

I think you are right Silent...


My WH knows I really haven't moved on. He knows I "pretend" as I have, but he also knows I'm still hooked on him and would do anything to get him back. How needy is that?

Anyway, it's hard to "show" him I've moved on, even though I really haven't, but I guess I can pretend, since I don't see him. How can he see the changes I've made?

He asks the kids questions about what we are doing this weekend etc., and they tell him! I told the kids it is our business what we do and where we go, so please don't share that with him. We don't know what he's doing or what his plans are, yet he knows our life. I hate to put the kids in that position, I know they want to tell their father they are going skating this day or whatever, but I feel as if he knows too much about our life. Still getting his fix. He doesn't tell me or the kids what is going on in his life.

I've started not to tell the kids upcoming activites now until the day before or day of. Then they can't tell WH anything. Hate to live like that, but...

As I said in previous posts, my IC says I spend WAY too much time thinking about what WH is doing etc. etc. I should spend that energy on me. Easier said than done! I can't help it though. I know it's not healty, but he is on my mind ALL the time! Even when I try and do things for me, he's still there!

I doubt if I have the same affect on him! There I go again, assuming!!

That really is the 'oh, whoa is me' side of Plan B. Give it more time; it will come to you; it's like a blanket of peace. Acceptance that you control only you, your thoughts, good and bad, will come. I, currently, would still take WH back, but not without real communication, and agreement on how to proceed. That's where I went wrong the SECOND time. I didn't state REAL boundaries, and got clobbered (cake eater at it's best, he was).

It IS easier said than done to stop the constant thoughts, but it gets easier to process them, when you are in a better state. Give it time. My WH is still on my mind very often, but, again, the thoughts actually flow through now, and I don't get caught up in the 'what if's' and 'I assume...'.

About the kids, well, I would let them have a free, open, honest relationship with their dad; what real harm will come to you. It will teach your kids to use their own judgment, and also to be open and honest. The moment you ask them to keep quiet there is a struggle being put in place. You have nothing to gain by not letting them speak about their day. Really, WH still doesn't know what you are THINKING, no matter what you're DOING, so who cares, right?!

You're right Silent,

WH does not know what I'm thinking, but still I feel as if he has one up on me knowing what we are doing and I don't know what he is doing.

I know, I know, I shouldn't care what he's doing. I can't help it though.

WH always told me that he could care less as to what people think, so I doubt very much that he's giving me as 2nd thought. Guess that's why he appears to have no shame with his OW.

Remember what I told you, Cat...

ALL OF MY ASSUMPTIONS-BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE- PROVED TO BE ABSOLUTELY INCORRECT!!!

He is now a WS..not your H anymore...he is not the same person...

Cat,

Mimi is absolutely dead on accurate! He is a WS! You don't know this guy at all. Do you have any want to know WH? If you came face to face with someone who did the same things to their wife and family, would you want to get to know him? I doubt it.

And that whole, I don't care what people think of me, well, it's a lie! Otherwise, he wouldn't be putting up a front for OW, right? I don't buy it!

Silent,

I'm a bit confused by what you said about him putting up a front for OW. She knows he's still M and has 2 kids. Did I read it wrong?

Also, just a question for you all. Please don't take this wrong, I love my kids more than life itself, but lately I've been very resentful, in that WH is with OW, has no responsibilities, can come and go as he pleases, can come home any time he wants, yet here I am shlepping the kids here and there. Up in the middle of the night when they are ill. I have to arrange a sitter if I ever want to go out. Haven't been intimate with anyone in months. I don't remember saying that when we had kids I would take care of them while he acted single.

Sorry if that came across as ungrateful, just we are both parents and it's not fair.

I know, put on my big girl panties and deal with it!